To struggle with this lady(60 Posts)
I know I am BU and I can imagine all the " Perhaps she senses you dont like her comments" but if anyone has dealt with this kind of thing and can give me tips I would appreciate it. I Have name changed for this. I am from a rural "ish" village have 2 older dc's 5 and 9 and a five month baby.
With the older two for various reasons I was isolated after thier births, had not joined any groups and really struggled to make friends, I made some wonderful friends eventually through toddler groups and they moved! I do have more of a network now they are older and at school but I had to fight and stuggle to get where I am .
With this baby I was determined to try and get things going from the start. I joined my local NCT group and felt like a new world opened up to me, and considering we have been randomly thrown together by virtue of all having DC at same time, I am so happy that all of them are really nice. We have been meeting up roughly once a week.
However there is one lady who I am really struggling with and its making me feel childish and moody. I am fighting these feelings and doing my best by putting a smile on my face but its hard. The other day she invited another lady from our group out right in front of me, to go on elsewhere and ignored me! So I cleary think she has a problem with me too. She is very strong willed and I get the impression she is chatting to others in the group but not me.
She is new to the area and is utterly desperate to make friends, and I sense that she is pushing me out.
I can't say too much incase she is on here but I am trying to work out why I am taking this too personally and why I can't ignore how she irritates me and rise above it but I find it akward and difficult to talk when she is around, she will often cut you off mid sentance and talk about herself, she does this alot.
We have polar opposite parenting styles, her being v GF. She is very buzy - go go go go go - her mannerisms and movements tire me out just looking at her, which sounds so bitchy of me.
However she has also made digs at me, as far as I am aware I have not made any to her. I get the impression she doesn't like me speaking and cuts me off, or makes it akward somehow to join in. I am terrified of being isolated again, its a small community here and I want to have more luck third time lucky as I feel I missed out alot not getting in at the grass roots with the other two and I want my baby boy to have friends too pre school. All the friendships are still quite new so we are not that relaxed with each other yet. I feel I am struggling then appear to come across as moody or odd to the others.
When we all see each other I try to be as nice as possible, smile, ignore it if she makes a dig ( which is hard as I am quite feisty), and chat to her like I chat to the others.
I get the feeling that she took against me from the off , I don't know how to be in the group now because I also feel insecure.
She's trying to get the better of you .
Just ignore and speak up for yourself.
Its not so much as an obsession as she herself is trying to break up the group away from me.
I saw her on Wednesday and whenever anything came up, she always cuts across and talks about herself, when I am speaking.
We all are still getting to know each other, the others and I count myself here just seem so much more relaxed, when she isnt there the conversation just flows and we all get a turn.
When she is there, its juddery and when " I" am about to - or trying to say something, I feel rushed because she will cut across me at any second. That makes me feel nervous and akward.
I dont judge her at all for being in work mode - but she talks to her children like employees. I have lots of friends, most of them have gone back to work.
I am managing to stay polite but there is another group and one lady knows those ladies and suggested us all joining forces! Nooooooo, please no....
The reason I thought of it is because I know I am INFJ and I find it difficult to get along with louder people who don't care a lot about keeping secrets or confidences and who are self centred,always commandeering the conversation and event around themselves.
I fully realise this is unfair as others seem to like their company but sadly I just find them really shallow and annoying. In turn they find me overly secretive and dull I am sure.
You don ' t have to like her and she may have sensed you don 't like her too which is why she is giving you the cold shoulder.. Either that or she just wants to get the better of you.
Either way you are unlikely to come out of this well unless you stay polite and friendly . Accept she is not your type but try to get along.
Just to offer another perspective - there is such a thing as being too sensitive. Sorry, but there is. I think if someone is low confidence/has been a bit isolated anyway, they are more likely to be that way just because they feel a bit more vulnerable - but it can turn molehills into mountains.
It sounds like this other woman probably doesn't like you, or feel comfortable around you, or you just don't gel. Whatever.
But be realistic. If you live in a small village, and she does too, what are you going to do? especially if it seems other women like her, enough to get on with her?
You are being quite judgy about her (attributing the way she is with her kids to the fact she hasn't adjusted to not being in 'work mode'... hmm. Well, maybe. Would you be comfortable if she judged you for being a sahm/part time worker, or whatever you are? no? Then don't do it yourself).
Try and focus on other things and this friendship issue will loom a lot less in your life. It is VERY common for mum groups to splinter and form smaller groups - it is just how people are. And the world doesn't divide into Incredibly Sensitive And Intuitive People and People with Rhino Skins! Some of us do a lot of work on managing our responses to people. Nothing makes me run faster than adult women who only seem to see relationships with other adult women in terms of the playground (ooh, she's a Queen Bee....don't play her little games... she's out to exclude you, you need to exclude her first, she loves seeing ghat she is getting to you, etc etc etc).
Whatever you do, don't obsess about this woman. it will affect the way you behave, and people do have some antennae for that sort of thing - they will end up steering clear of you and that is obviously the last thing you want.
Wow, I have never in my life heard of this INFJ. I read the profile and was absolutly amazed by it.
When I read it I actually cried and also felt very light as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I can relate to so much there its mind blowing. Thanks so much to the people who mentioned this.
Seeing that profile and now looking at myself in a new light, and I feel so much more confident in being able to put up with this lady!
If that makes sense?
Are there other personality types and does anyone know if there are types that tend to clash with INFJ.
By the way I am a cancerian and I have had alot of friends who are cancerian/virgo who seem to be similar to me.
lainie that doesn't sound like fun re SIL - I tried the opposite with MIL (after the initial sycophancy resulted in worse self-loathing) which is being less friendly than I normally would, and that also makes me feel bad. It comes down to caring less about that person's opinion. Some people I've found just don't expect to be genuinely close to family.
That's interesting. I think that overbearing, bully types read sensitivity - or trying to make someone else comfortable - for weakness and take advantage of it.
I know that with, for example, my sil I act in this toe-curling sycophantic way to her, asking her lots of questions, flapping around and generally looking like a sop. She wouldn't see this as me trying very hard to get on with her; she probably thinks I'm a wimpy nothing who isn't worth the time of day. I have found other people like this: you try very hard to win them over, or play by their rules and they just trample all over you.
Me too, oddly! Wonder if that woman is a personality type that particularly clashes with infj.
Hmm cumfy I can see your point. How do you think the OP should approach it, practically?
By being breezy I guess I meant - don't play her game. Don't empower her by asking her what's wrong or being too keyed into her and her tactics and energies. Keep some distance and deny her your attention.
Definitely easier said than done though, but I've found it a good tactic when I've been in similar situations.
Oh and I'm an INFJ too!
Sorry have been out at work, but as others have said INFJ is a personality type you can google it . I have this type and it means you are the sort of person who senses the atmosphere a lot and can generally divine what is going on beneath the surface, as well as being rather perfectionist or idealistic, and not very extrovert .
I think, from what you've said, that you've let this build up in your head to be bigger than it is.
You don't really get on. Never mind, that happens. There's people I see regularly that we'll make small talk but we'd never go out anywhere together. We don't have that much in common.
It's possible that she's intimidated by you, or something else which means that she hasn't asked you. Have you tried asking her for coffee?
Asking one person to go somewhere afterwards wouldn't bother me assuming you're in a group where it's not where they all go afterwards. Or if you've just said that it's something you really want to go, then it's rude.
I think you've hit the nail on the head with "I just need to relax more" which is easier said than done. But the more it bothers you, the more you (or certainly I find this with me) see slights and irritation in all that's said and done.
Really, really, have to disagree with the "be breezy" advice.
She has started this game of hers and you will be playing right into her hands and the rhino-skinned
bitch will just outbreeze you precisely because its her game.
You care and she doesn't, and she knows it.
She probably has a little sister 10 years younger who she still bullies.
Don't play her game
I'm amazed at that INJF personality type, it's so me.
I too have people in my circle of friends that I don't like. One in particular is my husband's boss's wife who is so full of herself and v annoying. I see her at the religious organisation that we both worship at and at women's club that I belong to which is an offshoot of the religious organisation.
I decided it was worth tolerating her in order to mix with other people there. I just keep my distance and am grateful not to be invited to her house as I wouldn't want to invite her to mine! This could be a way to go for you.
Smile sweetly on the outside and be a lady about it but inside think your own thoughts.
You are the winner as you are getting what you want (social interaction).
Hey OP, her opinion of you is actually none of your business.
I don't mean to sound blunt, just wanting to put things into perspective.
this would really upset me too. So whether its unreasonable or not, i can relate. i would feel awful if someone purposely let me know that they didnt like me like that.
I wonder if its possible to get the perspective of another friend because they may have noticed it too
it's a myers-briggs personality type. they have 16 basic types. you can take a questionnaire and find out what type you are.
here's one. There are lots - the 'proper' one is about 4 hours long.
what does INFJ mean please? someone else said that but didnt say what it was?
I looked up INFJ and it is absolutely me! Can't believe it. I know when people don't like me, or, as BornFree says, sense when other people don't like something. So many people are utterly oblivious to others' sensibilities and it must make life easier to have more rhino-like skin.
My sil sounds like Born's village frenemy. For nearly 20 years she has been making me feel just that little bit uncomfortable. Not enough so that others really notice - dh for example always says "rubbish" when I complain - but I always get the slightly-turned shoulder in conversations, the "oh, you don't need to help, thank you" at family events... just those small gestures that communicate "I don't like you."
Sounds like you are an INFJ. I am so much like you. Go onto the Highly Sensitive Person website and do their personality test. Bet you are a HSP!
Whatever her reasons are for being off with you, they are irrelevant. They are her business and her problem. She sounds like a pain in the arse.
BUT the issue here is you have worked hard to avoid the isolation you felt with your previous DC. So just think, 'I'll be DAMNED if this random woman makes me feel pushed out!' Be firm. Breezily ignore all her nonsense and focus on the other members of the group. The stronger and more confident you are, the more she will expose herself as being childish and moody and others in the group will start to notice and feel less comfortable with her, too.
Stay strong, fight your corner by being breezy and ignoring all her crap. Stick with the group and also strengthen individual friendships. Take the long view with this one. Don't be weakened by her rubbish!
It could be that she's v anxious herself - I do twitchy, over-talktative, not relaxed, interrupting stuff when I've had too much coffee (oddly to feel more confident in social situations) but anyway who cares - trust that you don't enjoy her company. Only thing I've learned: try not to tell yourself stories about what any other person thinks of you, go on the verbal proveable communication only & distract yourself if you start thinking too much. It's helped me a lot. Advice on trying to join more activities is good too - more interaction, less time to worry about each interaction!
I have a friend for instance who can walk into someone's house with OCD, and not notice them twitching about shoes on, cups on wood ( cup ring marks), and be cheerful and upbeat and carry on being themselves.
I walk into someones house with OCD I notice, I notice the twitching, the hand movements, the pursed lips, the sharp in takes of breath. I notice and I feel akward and unable to relax.
I want to be like my friend!
Oh thanks Janey will look up those books.
I think it comes from having a much older sister who used to speak for me and interpret what I felt or how I was feeling and she was always way off the mark. She was extremly domineering too and it was hard to make my voice heard.
For instance I would be sat thinking about happily about apples in a little dream world, she would come along and say outloud to people " oh look at Born, what a face on her - isn't she rude, sitting there with a face like a cats bum when we are all out for a meal".
She was over ten years older than me and was always making comments like that or telling my DM how to parent me!I used to internalise things then went the other way - really standing up for myself.
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