AIBU to be completely blown sideways by this message...(50 Posts)
I've just got a message on facebook from a really old friend and I don't know how to feel about it.
It was from a girl who I was best friends with from the age of 11 until my mid 20s. We went through everything together. We grew apart a bit when Uni came along etc, but we still stayed in touch a lot, and saw each other a lot.
When we were around 24/25 we both went to a friend's wedding. She got too drunk and had a massive row with my DH (then my boyfriend, we'd been together a few months). She was having sly digs at him all night and he ignored it, tried to take the high road etc until it just got ridiculous. They ended up having an argument and it got quite heated. Basically she'd been a bit of a shit friend for a couple of years and he told her a few home truths. I don't know why she was being so nasty to him, and I can't exactly blame him for getting to a point and snapping.
The next morning he was very apologetic for getting angry and said he shouldn't have. I sent her an mail to let her know that things shouldn't have gone like that, and he was very sorry, but that she also had a big part in what happened. She was digging him out ALL night and he kept trying to walk away but she was goading him.
She has a few problems, and I do think part of it was feeling guilty at being a bad friend to me. Like he is the new part of my life, and she is the old part etc
I can't go in to everything the argument was about in massive detail as it would take me even longer than this (epic...sorry) post. Suffice to say, she was out of order....he took it for a while but then snapped and shouldn't have...he was sorry for what happened...she wasn't. I felt very much stuck in the middle of it all.
Anyway, her response was really hostile and she blocked me on FB and I haven't heard anything since.
I've just got a message after nearly 5 years. She's really apologetic, says she regrets everything and knows what happened was her fault. I don't know what to think. I still miss her like mad....I don't know what to do.
Sorry this is a bit of a ramble, sorry if this sounds all abut juvenile...I'm just really shocked to hear from her. I want to hear her out, but my life has moved on so much since then...
After five years I would be cautious that she has really changed because her behaviour sounded pretty nasty and spiteful, you did your best to make amends and she ended up blocking you on facebook and disappearing for five years. What are her motives after all this time, you have moved on and you say you have missed her, but you probably miss her because she goes back a long time and you have history. She might well be nasty again once she meets you and sees how happy and settled you are. Maybe meet her in a cafe and really keep your distance before you can trust her back in your life again. I agree what others say that life is short but on the other hand none of us need negative and spiteful friends in our lives.
Sorry, I see someone suggested that upthread.
I'd accept the apology and move on. Life is too short, she misses you and you obviously miss her too.
I will definitely be cautious. She was wild and crazy, and I used to be, but I'm not any more (married and have a child). If she is still doing the same things, then I doubt we can go back to how things were....but it would still be nice to be on friendly terms.
Doesn't she need to apologise to your husband? I'd discuss with him first and tell her to apologise to the person she offended, then go from there.
OP of course you cant go back to the way things were and perhaps neither of you want to. sometimes we say things, back ourselves into a corner and stomp off then regret it and want to sort it out but never do. i would take this cautiously at face value. thank her for getting in touch, tell her you still have some great memories, tell her about your new life and how much you have changed and then leave it to her to take the next step ie meet up or whatever if she wants to.
Could she be an alcoholic and doing step whatever of a 12 step programme where she apologises to people she has wronged?
I don't think you should let this woman back into your life. I can't explain why but there is something about your post that makes me feel uneasy on your behalf. I agree with the posters who suggest it sounds like she had a crush on your DH... or maybe there's another story that she wants to tell. She might be genuinely sorry but she might also want to be back in your life for malicious reasons.
i would just accept the apology but not try to recreate the friendship.
I don't think it's possible to do such things. When things end badly and so much time passes and you all become different people - you find that it's just too hard to go back. All that you have is the past, the memories of who you used to be. But you're unlikely to be those people any more.
I wonder if it could work.
Is it possible to really forget when someone's shit all over you and welcome them back into your life and not remember and feel differently about them and be wary?
I also have a bad feeling in my guts about this woman. That she could be so nasty , no matter what her personal demons were, is a case of 'leopards can't change their spots' to me. There are ulterior motives behind her contacting you after 5 years of no contact and no apologies for her nasty behaviour. It may have been directed at your DH, but you were there too. And you said she had not been nice for some time before then.
I wouldn't reply. And don't understand why you miss her. I'd have been glad to get rid of such a venomous friend.
Well, you've had the apology. Why not just leave it for a bit, and see how you feel after you've thought about it. Really take some time and talk to dh about his reaction to it.
She's had 5 years to apologise. You don't need to react immediately.
If you really miss her I think I would forgive her and try and move forward slowly. 5 years is a lot of time and she probably has grown up and reflected lots during the years. There is probably a lot of catch up on too.
do you think she could have been depressed or jealous when you met at the wedding?
I would reply and thank her for the apology but would leave it there. Five years is a very long time and I would be wondering why now? What does she want from me? I grew apart from a friend and we just stopped talking and out the blue she messaged me to meet up. I had a funny feeling about it and declined. I later found out through someone else that she had found out she was pregnant and wanted to practise on my four month old as I was the only person she knew with a baby. So I might be a bit biased.
I also notice you say you missed her like mad while on the other hand she could cut you off without a second thought over an argument. That suggests it wasn't really a balanced friendship (like mine wasn't in hindsight) and friendships like that just aren't good in the longterm if you are the friend who invests more. She was a shit friend for the last few years you were friends so why open yourself up to that again. I know people say people change but some really dont.
do you think she could have been depressed or jealous when you met at the wedding?
Nope, I had a jealous friend (more of a frenemy tbh) who I lost touch with. A few years later I saw her and her mum and her mum was obviously angling for me to let her back into my life because she was a bit of a loner by then (there was good reason for that) I wasn't totally comfortable with it but went along with it thinking she'd have grown up by then and maybe a spell of a few years without friends had made her have a rethink about the way she had treated people.
Within weeks I found out she was seeing a casual boyfriend behind my back. Ironically if she'd said she liked him I'd have stepped aside because it was going nowhere and I just wasn't that into him. Then I realised it had been what she wanted all along, every issue we'd ever had had been down to boys/men - she just seethed with jealousy that I had boyfriends and she never did (probably because she was so bloody sour all the time).
Of course your experience may be different but if you've moved on and are living your life quite happily without her in it, then leave it be and don't invite potential trouble into it.
Accept her apology, and meet her for a coffee. What do you have to loose? If it doesn't work, and you don't get on any more, then you haven't been close for five years, so it wouldn't be too hard to say ''Sorry, this isn't working''. But if you miss her, it's got to be worth trying.
Me and a friend fell out for around 8 years, we have now been friends again for the last 10 years. She is one of the most supportive friends I've got and has helped me through 2 really difficult years. Some people do change
My friend and I fell out for a few years over a holiday ! She made the effort to get back in contact, we are good friends again but don't see each other as much.
Everyone needs friends maybe she's grown up ? Take it slow, go for coffee and see how she is
I'd pick up the offer of friendship with caution. It IS possible to rebuild.
When I was in my teens I had a friend (lets call her X) who, looking back, monopolised me. I was her handy singleton friend. The one who could be over at a moment's notice, the one to vent to, the one to be at her beck and call. We were friendly, and I didn't feel at the time that I was being taken advantage on, but in retrospect, I was a bit of a time-filler for her.
When I eventually got a boyfriend, she wasn't keen. Spent a lot of time picking holes in my relationship with him for various reasons. He was nothing other than polite and courteous to her. One day it all escalated, and she and I had a massive slanging match on the phone, and didn't speak to each other for 7 years.
We were both vaguely aware of what the other was doing through a mutual friend (who will be 'Y'). X and Y got on very well. Y and I got on very well. But we could never be the three of us together.
X and Y went on holiday. Y was taken ill and died. Suddenly and unexpectedly. At a very young age.
Despite what had happened with X and I, I couldn't help but worry how traumatised she might be about the incident, and got in touch by letter to express my sympathies and offer any help she might need. According to her mother, on receipt of my letter, she was able to let her grief out. I was unable to attend the funeral but a few months afterwards had a tentative communication from X.
Another 8 years on and we're on a fairly even keel. Not close friends, but mature enough to put the past away and deal with the every day.
(Sorry for long story and monopolising)
I'd give yourself a little time to think about it before replying but I think your instinct is telling you that you do want to reply?
Life is way too short to carry bitterness forward - I'd definately give her the benefit of the doubt
Thanks a lot for giving me both sides.
When I say she was a bad friend for a bit...she wasn't nasty, she just didn't make much effort. It was always me that was making the effort and I just assumed that we were drifting apart.
At the wedding, she seemed to blame my DH for the fact we'd drifted apart (not true) and my DH basically turned round and said it was down to her not him (probably not in those words...he said some things he shouldn't have as well, he'll admit that).
I know she was going through some tough times, and I put her behaviour before the wedding down to that, so although things weren't brilliant between us, I was still shocked at her behaviour. We'd been friends for well over 10 years and she'd never been like that before.
I think it might have been jealousy....not because she fancied my DH (not her type at all) but because things were going well for me and not for her.
Some of you may be right...it may be too much water under the bridge. I'm happy to be at least on civil terms though....I hate bad feeling and conflict.
Thanks again to everyone who took the time to reply. I've spoken to DH about it and he's happy to support whatever I want to do. So I'm going to sleep on it.
Maybe she had a life scare or someone close to her has died its may of made her think of you and finish up any regrets she has
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