AIBU to be completely blown sideways by this message...(50 Posts)
I've just got a message on facebook from a really old friend and I don't know how to feel about it.
It was from a girl who I was best friends with from the age of 11 until my mid 20s. We went through everything together. We grew apart a bit when Uni came along etc, but we still stayed in touch a lot, and saw each other a lot.
When we were around 24/25 we both went to a friend's wedding. She got too drunk and had a massive row with my DH (then my boyfriend, we'd been together a few months). She was having sly digs at him all night and he ignored it, tried to take the high road etc until it just got ridiculous. They ended up having an argument and it got quite heated. Basically she'd been a bit of a shit friend for a couple of years and he told her a few home truths. I don't know why she was being so nasty to him, and I can't exactly blame him for getting to a point and snapping.
The next morning he was very apologetic for getting angry and said he shouldn't have. I sent her an mail to let her know that things shouldn't have gone like that, and he was very sorry, but that she also had a big part in what happened. She was digging him out ALL night and he kept trying to walk away but she was goading him.
She has a few problems, and I do think part of it was feeling guilty at being a bad friend to me. Like he is the new part of my life, and she is the old part etc
I can't go in to everything the argument was about in massive detail as it would take me even longer than this (epic...sorry) post. Suffice to say, she was out of order....he took it for a while but then snapped and shouldn't have...he was sorry for what happened...she wasn't. I felt very much stuck in the middle of it all.
Anyway, her response was really hostile and she blocked me on FB and I haven't heard anything since.
I've just got a message after nearly 5 years. She's really apologetic, says she regrets everything and knows what happened was her fault. I don't know what to think. I still miss her like mad....I don't know what to do.
Sorry this is a bit of a ramble, sorry if this sounds all abut juvenile...I'm just really shocked to hear from her. I want to hear her out, but my life has moved on so much since then...
Why not just take it at face value? That she is genuinely sorry? It takes a lot to admit that you were wrong.
Looks like you have your friend back!
I'd accept her apology and move forward.
Does she live near you? If she does I think I'd go for a coffee with her and see what she has to say. It sounds like she is offering you and olive branch and you can either be friends again or at least part ways on friendly terms. I'd give her a chance since she's apologised for what she did
5 years is along time ago and water under the bridge now. I would just leave it alone as it may open up old wounds as the row will always be in the background waiting to raise its head at some point. Very random of her to message you tho.
Accept her apology. Sometimes people act in a certain way when they are going through a bad patch in their lives and when they come through it and look more clearly at their behaviour try to make amends. If you don't want to be close friends then don't be but it's the right thing to do to accept her apology and have some closure on the situation.
Lifes too short to block contact with someone who you have loads of history with and admit to missing.
Reply. Get to know her. If you're no longer compatible distance yourself. Or maybe you'll get an amazing friend back. Who once had a bad week, too much to drink and said something she regrets... Who hasn't?
Oh I do think she's sorry...she's very proud and wouldn't say sorry unless she meant it. She did say she's been wanting to write for ages.
I was gutted when it all happened. She was very much of the "it's him or me" type of argument....whereas DH would never make me choose like that. He's said many times over the years he would never have an issue if I still wanted to be friends with her, but she took away that option.
I hope we can sort things....I find it very hard to make friends and she was a good one many years ago. I'm hoping she's had some time to sort her head out.
I would accept her apology too. It sounds like she's grown up a bit and realised that her behaviour was unacceptable.
Accept the appology and move on? Life is too short!
Hmm, tread carefully. You say you miss her like mad, so it might be good to get back in touch, but I hope you don't find out something you'd rather not know - like why she was goading your DH so much. Have you told him about the message? How did he react?
Oh I hope it works out for you. Treat it like a relationship (which it is I guess). Go out on a few tentative 'dates'. You'll probably find you have a right laugh and talk about old times. Just take it slowly and I'm sure it'll be fine.
What BIWI said.
It's brave of her to admit she was wrong and she's obviously been missing you too. Might be lovely to catch up or you might find you have nothing in common any more. What do you have to lose?
I'd take things at face value, and see her. Hear her out.
It may be (and this is wild speculation), but your original post said she got too drunk - and I wonder if she got drunk a lot. If so, she may now be going sober, with all that entails. Apologies to those you have hurt is part of that.
I haven't told him yet Musomathsci - he's having root canal surgery right at this very minute. I will tell him later.
I've had feelings why she was being out of order, but we never really got the chance to sort it out.
Her relationship was breaking down...she wanted children, her DP didn't...me and DH were in the deliriously happy "honeymoon period" - I think it was mostly down to jealousy to be honest.
I've randomly facebooked people from my past when I've simply thought about them, or they've popped into my head. Mostly the messages are simple hellos, but I have apologised to two people, randomly, and seemingly out of the blue. Partly it was selfish, because I wanted to find peace. Partly it was unfinished business. Mostly it was an olive branch in itself.
She misses you. She's probably thought about you loads over the last few years, and it's simply taken this long to put hands to keyboard and write to you.
5 years is a long long time, and I suspect you have both been U for letting it continue so long... she may well have been in the wrong, but you both could have tried harder to get past it. I was wronged by a friend who blocked me from FB, but I kept sending birthday and christmas cards, the lines for communication were always kept open by me, even though I was 100% in the right.
Reply from the heart. Even though the fall out was many years ago you can accept her apology. Briefly. Then move on to catching up.
I can't say for sure whether your friendship will be instantly as great as it was, it may even be awkward for a long time, but whatever the outcome, you can find a certain peace.
If you miss her so much, then you should meet her. There's really no need to go over the past though, just accept the apology and move forward. I am sure most of us regret certain things we have done and to apologise after all this time means she must really mean it and it has affected her a lot. There are things I'd like to apologise for tbh, sounds like she has courage.
Accept the apology and move on. Life's too short! If it turns out your lives are in different places you've lost nothing. If everything slots back into place you've gained your friend back!
Possibly CarpeJugulum - alcohol was a problem. Her Mum has bi-polar and is an alcoholic, and I often worried she was heading down the same path (sorry not trying to drip-feed).
I would give her a chance. You said you were mid 20's when all this happened so chances are she has done a bit of growing up over the last 5 years
Definitely accept the apology and meet with her. Neither of those things is a commitment to necessarily be close again but it opens a door. You say she had problems. She's now accepting responsibility. I would say that there's an opportunity here for you to get a friend back.
See what she says.
Perhaps she's doing the 12-step programme?
You're probably right Crinkle77 - I've changed a hell of a lot!
Thanks for the advice people....just needed to sound off about it and DH isn't here so didn't know who to talk to
I'd be careful. I'd want to know exactly why she was goading my dh. Were there jealousy issues, do you think?
Years ago I lost my best friend because if something was going well for me, she could never just be happy about it - there was always some resentment/jealousy because her own life was harder.
Maybe I'm projecting a bit, but it's hard to be friends with someone who doesn't genuinely wish you well. I think you need to know more about her reasons for behaving as she did, before you decide.
I must admit, the first thing I thought upon reading your post was that she had some kind of crush on your dp.
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