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Don't know what to do, please help!

(59 Posts)
Emmon Tue 05-Mar-13 09:49:58

This may be a bit off topic to go in aibu, however if mods can think of a better place, feel free to move it there.
My husband and I are both classified as severely disabled-although to be fair neither of us view ourselves as having disabilities and we do our best to live our lives to the full.
I have bipolar and my husband has a very severe form of a genetic blindness called retinitis pigmentosa or rp. Rp normally causes blindness in the late teens or early twenties but my husbands form is so bad he was registered blind at 10 months and now has no vision.
As rp is hereditary any children we have get a 50/50 chance of the disease. We already have one son who at 19 months is showing no signs of visual impairment and the doctors say it is now very unlikely he has the faulty gene.
Only problem is husband now wants child number 2. I don't. It is not just the risk of blindness. It is the fact I would have a 30% chance of a bipolar relapse and at 37 I feel too old. Also I run a business and work 90 hour weeks-it is a labour of love and the reality is if I had a child I would have to leave home and go live in my office for 3 months or so as a baby would slow me down (and yes I know may people may think that is a disgrace but I am a workaholic).
I cannot have an abortion or IVF with prenatal diagnosis for religious reasons.
What should I do?

LadyBeagleEyes Wed 06-Mar-13 22:53:50

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

squeakytoy Wed 06-Mar-13 23:11:50

"My biggest problem is when I see my husband with my son. He is a loving doting dad and I know being a dad is a wonderful experience for him."

That seems to have changed in the last few posts..

Get off the internet and sort your child out. He barely knows you from the sounds of it.

Poor bloody kid.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 07-Mar-13 00:06:52

You have said you were abused yourself OP and your MIL's notion of parenting left a lot to be desired. You have been very candid and I hope you return here. You are a very intelligent person and I don't want to sound patronising.

I understand you were upset at being assessed by social services in regard to your parenting ability. Your last few posts regarding your son and his father's care of him are worrying. At the very least could you and your husband review arrangements for looking after DS? On a practical level a 19 month old is a handful. Please consider his needs and as someone suggested, perhaps allocate part of his care to a nanny or au pair or fix up a childminder, better for stimulation and socialisation than £50 toys.

Any able bodied adult in sole care of a child gets tired, frustrated, worn down.
I realise working such long hours must be exhausting for you but H will also be taxed. Do you spend much time with DS or do you see H as totally in charge of childcare? You said you see yourself turning into your grandmother for whom work was a driving force, a form of escape.

You were adamant about not wanting a 2nd child. It is so sad that early bonding with DS was severely hampered. If you distance yourself from DS does your H pick up all the slack? I'm not talking about late bedtimes and television, I'm not getting at you but latterly there are some concerning aspects of this thread.

TheChaoGoesMu Thu 07-Mar-13 00:45:01

Hi Emmon, is it possible you could get a nanny to take the strain off of you and dh? Some people cope with not being able to see far better than others. My dh is pretty good, yet one of his sisters really struggles with it all. Also of my best friends has rapid cycle bipolar, and she ended up walking out on her children, a decision (?) she desperately regrets these days. Things are a bit harder for you than they might be for the majority. I'm thinking about her experience as I talk to you. Recognise its not your fault. If you can afford some help it would probably be good. Be a little less harsh on yourself and dh, it does get a little easier after the early years.

ll31 Thu 07-Mar-13 00:59:53

i dont get it tbh, r u doung 90 hr weeks now? if ur not having sex, how much of a marriage have you?

wiltingfast Thu 07-Mar-13 08:19:33

Sorry, isn't your husband blind? How the hell is he managing to mind the child at all never mind watch Deal or No Deal on television? [Confused]

firesidechat Thu 07-Mar-13 08:40:18

wilting - my parents are both blind and thay bought up three children with no outside help at all. We didn't get away with anything while growing up!

They also have a tv. They can hear the sound and these days there is a facility for a helpful voice to tell you what is happening on the screen ie "Mary leaves the room and slams the door behind her". It's perfectly possible to watch and enjoy tv.

firesidechat Thu 07-Mar-13 08:44:26

they brought obviously.

Where's that edit feature again?

firesidechat Thu 07-Mar-13 09:03:01

Sorry, I don't think my comment above was much help in the context of the OPs posts. The situations are obviously completely different. My parents were hard working and quite traditional in outlook. Despite his disability, my dad worked full time as a self employed piano tuner, while my mum stayed at home to look after us. Travelling by public transport was very time consuming and we never had much money, but they were very independant people.

OP, I think that your difficulties may go beyond mere disability. Another child would seem a very bad idea until a few things are sorted out.

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