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Buying MIL a Mothers Day Card

(29 Posts)
Woodruff Sun 03-Mar-13 16:28:37

DH was just looking at the kitchen calendar and said to me: ?Don?t forget to pick up a Mothers Day card for my mum this week.?

It?s my job to buy cards and birthday presents etc so this isn?t an especially weird request ? I usually buy the Mothers Day cards for both sets of mothers and grandmothers. However, my mum died almost exactly a year ago ? the first anniversary will fall on Mothering Sunday.

There is no way I can go into a card shop and buy a Mothers Day card for his mum this year (or any year, actually) I just can?t. And I can?t believe that he thought for even one second that I could.

He normally supervises the DC in making homemade cards for me so he will have to make a special trip that he wouldn?t normally make to get his mum her card, but is that really such a big hardship in the grand scheme of things?

I?m not even so upset about the fact that he asked (well I am - how could he not think I wouldn?t mind?) but I?m hurt and furious that he can?t see why I?m upset and that he thinks I don?t have a right to be. He?s now annoyed at me for ?overreacting?. He?s said he?ll get the card himself, and I only needed to say ?no?, not make a mountain out of a molehill about it.

I want to kick him in the balls right now. AIBU?

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Mon 04-Mar-13 05:59:58

I'm so sorry about your mum.

AdoraBell Mon 04-Mar-13 03:12:00

shock bloody insentative of him and no, YANBU. Tell him to get his own mother a Mother's day card, plus birthday and Xmas cards when the time comes, and make it clear why you have no intention of doing it.

I'm very sorry for your loss and wouldn't blame you at all if you want to ignore Mother's day this year completely, or do something that marks the anniversary and maybe doesn't involve DH's mother.

FWIF I don't buy cards on my OH's behalf, he got used to it and so can your DH

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 04-Mar-13 02:09:47

no chance, yanbu. my mum died in November I am dreading mothers day and avoiding all the shops. dp is getting his own card despite it normally being something I do or he won't be getting one at all. hope it passes by as easily as possible for you

EldritchCleavage Mon 04-Mar-13 01:56:52

I think your DH is being thoughtless, and instead of going on about you 'overreacting' he should just apologise.

Last year I got nothing for Mother's Day-DH hadn't organised anything (our children are too small to do it themselves). But it was only the second Mother's Day since MIL died. He was avoiding thinking about it, and completely overlooked me. I didn't get angry with him. I understood-it's one of those days that can be surprisingly hard after your parent dies, even if it wasn't a big thing when they were alive.

aquashiv Sun 03-Mar-13 20:22:03

Tell him how you feel Op. Hugs to you. You have every right to feel as you do.
Much as it grates me I bought hers today in Lidl for 99p its easier that way he wont buy her one and it will hurt her feelings so I just do it.

Enfyshedd Sun 03-Mar-13 20:20:47

Is it possible that he hasn't even realised the clash of dates?

Clawdy Sun 03-Mar-13 20:06:55

I'm afraid I always picked up Mothers Day cards for both my mum and MIL when they were alive. DH always wrote in his mum's card though! Just a habit we got into,mainly because he probably wouldn't have remembered if I hadn't,though I know that's no excuse. It didn't really upset me buying only one for her after my mum's death,although I felt saddened. I think not buying any as I do now would have felt worse.

ChoudeBruxelles Sun 03-Mar-13 19:52:10

I normally buy presents/cards for everyone. DH's dad has not had a father's day present for the last two years - as I refuse to buy them now my own dad has passed away. i suspect MIL won't have anything this year as I've not bought anything (my mum died last september).

diddl Sun 03-Mar-13 19:20:14

Oh my goodness, that is so awfully thoughtless.

I could never have bought my MIL a MD card even when my own mum was still alive.

You could have just said no??

He could have just not fucking asked!

Dinosaurhunter Sun 03-Mar-13 19:12:41

Sorry for your loss . I think this is one of them things that is personal to the individual and their expectations of a situation , my mum died 9 months ago very suddenly and I sometimes feel I'm drowning in sadness but I can honestly say I have no problem buying my mil a card( like I always do ! ) as she has been a great support to me . I have also brought my mum a card which I will write and take to the cementry on Mother's Day . However I do think men are very different creatures and see things differently so don't be too hard on your dh . I think unless someone has been through loss it's very hard for them to understand .

Guitargirl Sun 03-Mar-13 19:07:15

YANBU and your DH is being very insensitive.

It might not be the healthiest way of dealing with things but I try to treat anniversaries of difficult and traumatic events by pretending that it's 'just another day'. Like I said, probably not healthy but it's the only way I can cope with days like that sad.

CatsRule Sun 03-Mar-13 19:06:46


Your dh probably just didn't think! I get all the cards in our house too, including cards for my fil after my Dad died. It wasn't until a few years later that my dh actually realised that it is hard for me. It's still hard 7 years down the line. Dh didn't mean it, I know he didn't, and he is generally very thoughtful but it just didn't occur to him.

Why doesn't your dh order it online, that way he doesn't have to go out!?

newcastle34 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:00:45

So sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 2 years ago. The anniversary is the day after mothers day. I am dreading it. I think i was numb the 1st year and actually did buy mil a card but have not since. Dh is not the most sensitive one and wouldn't ask me to. Yanbu.

RVPisnomore Sun 03-Mar-13 19:00:00

Sorry for your loss but I can see what he says with saying you should've just said no.

yaimee Sun 03-Mar-13 18:57:15

God I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm afraid to say that it sounds like your dh needs a pat on the head, with a shovel. What an arse!

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Sun 03-Mar-13 18:55:17

I had the same issue with my DH last fathers day. It fell on the same day nd at first he didn't understand just how hard it would be for me.
I sat him down and explained to him why I couldn't do it which did help him understand.
Stick to your guns and tell him to get his own.
Sorry for your loss

getmeoutofthismadhouse Sun 03-Mar-13 18:35:21

Yanbu but men just never seem to think before they open their mouths and I suppose until you lose your own mum you don't realise how sentimental days like these are! I won't be spending mothers day with my kids this year and normally I would rush past all the tat and Mothers Day would be another day but this year I'm more aware and had to stop myself crying in the super market at all the mum gifts. Being without your Mum is highlighted on these days . Sorry for your loss !

Yfronts Sun 03-Mar-13 18:34:50

It's his mother and so he can organise the card. It's too much for you considering your loss. Don't budge. If you have explained this to him it must be a huge disappointment that he can't empathise at all. I think that would make me question things.

pinkpaws Sun 03-Mar-13 18:20:14

Its not a case of reading your mind in order to know how you might feel but is a case of taking the time to ask if your ok with buying a card or would you rather he did it as he knows this might be hard for you. You have every right to be upset with him

EchoBitch Sun 03-Mar-13 16:52:41

It's horrid isn't it.

This is the first year i won't be buying my Mum a card and sending flowers.

DC have mentioned Mother's day but i am not in the least bit interested.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 03-Mar-13 16:50:12

Well, I don't think you can expect him to have read your mind, it's not an automatic given that you wouldn't want to buy a card. It's a given that you will feel especially sad around that time, yes, but that doesn't necessarily translate into it being difficult to buy a card.

He might have a point that you only needed to say no without being angry at him.

pinkpaws Sun 03-Mar-13 16:47:23

Hi men can be dicks he should know how hard mothers day will be for you. And to say you are making a big deal out of it is worse. I hope you have a good with lovely memorys of your mum . To be honest from now on i wouldnt buy another birthday mothers day card again his mum his job and he owes you a BIG boxs o nice chocs.

lurkedtoolong Sun 03-Mar-13 16:45:55

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling particularly with the anniversary falling on Mothering Sunday.

Your DH is being a completely insensitive arse and should be ashamed of himself.

derektheladyhamster Sun 03-Mar-13 16:45:29


All the supermarkets, petrol stations sell them. Or couldn't your kids make her one whilst they are doing yours?

jennybeadle Sun 03-Mar-13 16:45:26

YANBU. I was in a similar position and have found that this year, 3 years on is the first time I have managed to buy MILs card without major heartache.

My DH honestly hadn't realised how hard it was for me. I hope yours is as understanding when he realises you're not just having a tantrum. Anniversaries are hard, and for yours to be at this time must make it doubly difficult. I hope that time makes it easier on you, as it has me.

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