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to de-friend a work colleague from my Facebook account? (Bit long, sorry).

(47 Posts)
crushedintherush Sun 03-Mar-13 13:59:19

...I haven't done it yet, btw.
In January I posted a thread about me being bullied by my work colleague. I don't know how to link the post on here for you to read for background reasons, not very tech-y, I'm afraid, but if you wish to read it, it comes under employment issues and titled bullied by work colleague, sly tactics, stress levels highsad.

Update: Since my last post, the bullying has upped a level. When my dh found he had testicular cancer, I was off work for a couple of days to help him post-op, very stressful, and while I was off, she told everybody it was because I was stressed about my job, that I was finding it hard!! When I came back to work, I was puzzled that nobody asked me about dh, and did I need help with my job, and to try to relax more. In front of other colleagues, she made a big thing about swapping my day off to tally with dh's hospital visits, all very sympathetic, but when we are on our own, she is horrible. She said ' you should be grateful, at least your husband is alive'. Her dh passed away a year ago last November.

Also she has started complaining to managers about the workload we have to deal with, constantly questioning then about why we have to go through such & such procedure to do this, that and the other. She is also undergoing a complaint made against her by a patient which has gone up to high level and the chief exec has been made aware. I only know this because our operations manager rang up our dept and asked for her, she wasn't in at the time, so told me about it to let us know it cannot happen again. I'm finding this really disturbing: if she carries on making mistakes, the pair of us will be kicked out of the dept. I feel she is doing all this deliberately just for that reason, that if she goes, so do I. She is dragging us both down.
Anyway, what I forgot to mention in my bullying thread was, the work colleague and I became friends on a long while back, before the bullying started. We send messages via fbook messenger for work purposes only, in case of emergency sickness cover. She has a few friends that I know on her account that work together in the same dept, and lately, they have sent me fbook messages this week, separately on different days, asking if I still like my job. One of them even sent me an email with a link which I opened, about working from home... I feel she put these friends up to this to see what my replies would be about my job, but it has made me feel violated. Thats why I want to defriend her, but would it look like she's got what she wanted, a reaction? Please advise...I'm in a state..

fuzzywuzzy Sun 03-Mar-13 14:03:39

Block her and start telling people what's really happening if you want to share.

Also complain to management about her behaviour, keep a diary and go to hr. don't quietly put up with it.

HollyBerryBush Sun 03-Mar-13 14:03:58

Defriend immediately - infact remove all your collegues. Unless you are in a profession that requires social networking NEVER have collegues on your face book. Business and pleasure do not mix.

Also for her to discuss with other collegues why you were off work is a big no-no and a breach of trust. It would be a gross misconduct where I work if a line manager were giving out that information. (Even though yours is giving misinformation re stress it amounts to the same thing).

You feel you are being bullied, diarise, speak to your union, then speak with the manager over her head.

Squeakygate Sun 03-Mar-13 14:04:14

Yanbu. Defriend all of your work colleagues.
speak to a more senior manager abput her attitude and behaviour.

MagicHouse Sun 03-Mar-13 14:07:04

I don't understand why you would both be dismissed from work if she is the one making mistakes? If you feel you're doing what is expected of you at work, you could make sure people are aware of this by sending emails to state what you're doing/ how YOU are ensuring mistakes aren't made and cc the right people.
As for FB - If you want to unfriend her then do. Personally I would also want to write some very upbeat brief reply to your mutual friends about enjoying your work thanks/ thanks but you're not interested in working from home and you're not sure why the friend thought that.... etc

ImperialBlether Sun 03-Mar-13 14:10:59

She sounds absolutely vile. She should be the first to understand your distress over your husband.Defriend all of your work colleagues, as the others have said. Do you have any friends outside work who know her and have her on FB?

If you know you're going to be alone with her, I would record what she says. Would she notice if you're doing that? You could practise recording at home, so it would look like you'd checked a text but really you were switching on your recorder.

Call her on everything she says. It's the only way to treat a bully. Did you tell your colleagues about your husband or expect her to tell them?

I hope your husband is OK now. It must have been a really worrying time for you both.

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 03-Mar-13 14:15:59

Screenshot all the weird fb stuff and include it in your file of BAD THINGS on her. Also include work emails, notes of anything that happens including comments (time/date/details) etc. And defriend and block all the work people!

maddening Sun 03-Mar-13 14:17:29

Have you made a complaint about her yet? If not I yhink

maddening Sun 03-Mar-13 14:18:17

Think you should (sorry pressed go to soon)

crushedintherush Sun 03-Mar-13 14:22:26

fuzzy, I've blocked her on the actual fbook site, so she can't see any comments/posts, (not that I talk about work on my fbook pages, anyway) but for some reason, fbook messenger won't let me block her. Sorry, should have said thats where her friends contacted me, not on the actual fbook site. I was thinking if I defriend her, neither she or her friends would be able to contact me on messenger, because she'll cease to be a contact.

I have kept a diary, thanks. I feel if she was kicked off our dept, she would make sure that I was too. Hell would freeze over before she would accept me being still on there, after her being kicked off, if you know what I mean.

I did complain to my supervisor a while back and she thought I was BU ,as the poor thing (supervisors words) had lost her husband. Totally dismissed me.

I will try hr on Monday. I was just hoping that she'll get kicked off anyway without me saying anything, but this thing with her friends has made me feel uneasy..

fuzzywuzzy Sun 03-Mar-13 14:25:24

Defriend ad block her completely on FBI.

Go to he with your list of complaints, pull her up on everything.

Don't go down with her.

Montybojangles Sun 03-Mar-13 14:30:30

Im assuming you work for the NHS, go and speak to either your line manager or HR about her and her behaviour. That way there is a record of your concerns.
It sounds like she is projecting how she feels about the job onto you. Good luck

crushedintherush Sun 03-Mar-13 14:39:49

holly-my other colleagues on Fbook don't post/comment about work, its about family and home only with them. And they are lovely, so I feel awful to unfriend them just because of her.

magic-I'm bothered that the managers may decide to allocate other people in our places if they think the dept is not running properly, they don't look at the one person making mistakes, they look at the dept as a whole, not the individual. There has been swapping going on in other depts before, thats why I dont think it'll just be her. And they might still swap us if I complain anyway, which is what I 'm going to do.

As for the replies, it hasn't been too hard as I've just said back 'I'm on annual leave this week, so talking about work is strictly out of limits' and put a wink at the end. So it doesn't look unfriendly. And it wasn't a lie, I am/was on annual leave. Not looking forward to goung back next week, thats for sure.sad

crushedintherush Sun 03-Mar-13 14:47:59

monty- yes, I do work for the NHS.

When my line managers come to visit our dept, (once in a blue moon), my colleague pretends everything is fine, that we work well together, that we keep the place going etc etc, like we're best of friends, and I have to sit there and grit my teeth. Grrrrr

crushedintherush Sun 03-Mar-13 15:02:33

oops sent too soon. Anyway, I was going to say I'm bothered that if I did go and see the line managers, they'll think I've got a problem, what with my colleague gushing about our 'wonderful working relationship' when they visit the dept, then me saying, 'well quite frankly, no, its horrible'.

At the end of the day, who are they willing to believe, just to keep things smooth. If it gets swept under the carpet, it'll leave me looking like a troublemaker.

I'll see uf I can record things on my mobile, but we're not allowed to use them in the clinic,so if I record something she says, I'll be in trouble, but you wouldn't have known that, but thanks anyway smile

crushedintherush Sun 03-Mar-13 15:06:31

imperial-thanks, dh is ok, he is undergoing chemo in a couple of weeks to stop the cancer coming back so a good oytcome, but yes, its been horrible.
Luckily I have had a wonderful support network in MN, who have helped enormouslysmile

moodymai Sun 03-Mar-13 15:33:56

If you decide not to defriend her you could put her on your restricted lists which meaans they can't see anything you post but are still "friends" with you

aldiwhore Sun 03-Mar-13 15:43:46

Defriend. Seriously, I feel for you but why is she still on your friends list?

FB is not a standard messaging point for work colleagues. She is not your friend. Get rid. If she sends you a friend request after that, leave it as a request, sort out your restrictions so she can't see much at all, change your settings in relation to her.

Don't BLOCK her, because then you won't know if waht she's commenting to others.

You also need to sort out a meeting with your operations manager ASAP.

oldraver Sun 03-Mar-13 15:50:51

The people that contacted you via FB..I assume your friends as well ? so maybe they were not 'put up to it' by her but acting in your favour as it sounds as though she just slates you to other people ?

I would defriend her but not necessarily the other friends

crushedintherush Sun 03-Mar-13 15:58:51

Moodymai, I've already done that, but what I'm doing is defriending her so that I will cease to be in her facebook contacts list that is sync-ed with her fbook messenger account. That way, her or her friends cannot send me messages anymore. Hopefully.
I know I can just ignore them but I'd rather get rid altogether. I cannot delete fb messenger either as i use it to message family members. Thanks anyway.

ImperialBlether Sun 03-Mar-13 16:05:24

They'd be mad to believe her or anyone who says everything's fine when someone else is saying, actually no, I'm being bullied by that person.

crushedintherush Sun 03-Mar-13 16:11:45

One of them was on my friends list, oldraver, but we fell out a long time ago, over something unrelated to my colleague and she defriended me. She had since got back in touch with me on fb messenger to say hi as she was moving away and didn't want to part as enemies which was lovely, but never sent a friend request. Then I didn't hear from her til now. My colleague interestingly said last week that she was not her friend anymore on fbook, but when I looked, she was, (thats how much I don't trust my colleague)

Viviennemary Sun 03-Mar-13 16:14:52

When I saw the heading I first thought don't bother defriending her on FB. But now I have read this I think lyou should just do it. Also I lthought FB was a social thing and not for communicating with work colleagues. I also think you should make a point of telling your manager about her behaviour. Because if you don't and something else cropped up they will say why didn't you say this was going on before.

AnnieLobeseder Sun 03-Mar-13 16:15:54

The short answer is that you're never unreasonable to de-friend anyone on FB - it's your account, you should only have people on there who actually mean something to you and who you want there.

As for all the rest, she sounds like a right piece of work, and all I can suggest is to keep records over everything and keep reporting. Hopefully she'll be gone soon and you can get on with your job in peace.

crushedintherush Sun 03-Mar-13 16:17:22

I know imperial that they may listen, the problem is, they have only been in this role for about 3 months after they were swapped with other managers, and don't really know us well.....I know I need to speak to them though.

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