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Dp not wanting me to see male friend

(148 Posts)
SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 07:59:58

Going to try not to drip feed because I hate that.
Please be gentle with me!
Years ago, I had a best friend. One that I have loosely kept in touch with, but it looked like I'd have a child free evening today, so asked this friend for a catch-up drink.
This friend is male. We were best friends for about 3 years, together every day and when I moved from the area we lived in, he came with me for a while (separate bedrooms).
Ok, we did engage is sexual activity at times but that was way before dp and that was not what our friendship was about, and it definitely is not what anything is about now.
Dp thinks it's weird to keep in touch with an ex, although this guy is not an ex, we were never together as a couple and no romantic feelings were ever there. Dp still talks to his ex wife, I have never said anything about it.
My own fault for asking if it'd be ok and not just telling him really.
I said to him "I'm going to go see X tomorrow night for a catch up. Is that ok?" he got all umpy and grunted "please yourself" so I asked him what the problem was and he came out with all this shit about how I shouldn't want to see anyone else, and do I keep this guys number just in case etc etc etc.
I'm really angry as I feel this shows that dp doesn't respect or trust me.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 23:24:41

Thanks. It really is nice to see that I am not alone in my attitude towards casual sex and then future platonic relationships.

lakeswimmer Sat 02-Mar-13 23:13:19


I'm amazed at how many people on here think because you've had casual sex with someone years ago that you might still want to do it even though you're in a new relationship.

When I met DP I had a lot of male friends. I'd had a long term relationship with one of them and had slept with a couple of others, whilst others had always just been friends. They are now DH's friends too, most of them came to our wedding and they have their own partners and children too. I have no interest in sleeping with any of them and I would think my DH had gone nuts if he objected to my spending time with any of them

howdoo Sat 02-Mar-13 21:51:28

Ok, sorry, understand now! (Still love saying Heavens to Betsy though!)

howdoo Sat 02-Mar-13 21:49:23

Come again?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 02-Mar-13 21:48:50

How I know that, im not stupid. dont dance, aint no fire.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 21:48:44

I think Greg meant that dp was annoyed that he had to work and not spend the time with me. That's how I took it anyway.

howdoo Sat 02-Mar-13 21:47:25

Heavens to Betsy, Greg, the DP was working that night (for the umpteenth time)!!

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 21:47:15


GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 02-Mar-13 21:43:16

Maybe he was having a shit day, or maybe he was annoyed that he couldnt spend a child-free evening with you.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 21:39:59

Maybe howdoo I hadn't thought of it like that. Interesting idea.
I told dp when we first got together about this friend. I had arranged for my new boyf (dp) to meet some of my friends and I didn't want him to be the only one to not know the details of my friendship/history with this person because I didn't want anyone to think that they could mug him off.

I still don't really know the reason behind him getting the ump, but I'm not going to bring it up again.

howdoo Sat 02-Mar-13 21:33:38

Silvery, I don't think your DP doesn't trust you, I think he doesn't trust your friend. You have said your DP is laid back, and friend is outgoing etc. I think your DP thinks your friend is a twat and that, by going out for the evening with you, friend is "flexing his muscles" if you like. I know it's not PC, but I think I lot of men are quite competitive with each other, and I think that is the root of this.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 02-Mar-13 20:58:58

And in answer to the question about texting, no we don't text flirty, just stuff like hi hope you're well etc

Then theres no issue, he probably just had a little blip, its obvious just a friendship, your DP has obviously knows he was being silly.

BinksToEnlightenment Sat 02-Mar-13 20:04:36


WafflyVersatile Sat 02-Mar-13 18:07:44

That sounds reasonable. Most people aren't 100% secure so I can understand that he might have a bit of a wobble but well done for talking it out and also standing your ground while offering some compromise to make him feel more comfortable.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 17:48:14

Sorry went into town to do some shopping.
I have spoken to dp again about it. He says I'm not seeing it from all sides and if it was reversed I'd have a problem with him going out.
I wouldn't. Not really. The rational part of my brain trusts him and knows he wouldn't be unfaithful.
He still says he thinks it's odd but he said he never said I couldn't go.
I told him all the things that I put in my last post about how I am in a committed relationship and that I am hurt and offended if he is implying he doesn't trust me and that I don't know how to behave in male company.
I told him that I will arrange to see friend next saturday before a girls night and I can check in with him to let him know when I've left etc. He laughed and said that won't be necessary.
I think I just need to show him it'll be ok and I'll come back.
And in answer to the question about texting, no we don't text flirty, just stuff like hi hope you're well etc.
I spoke to my friend and apologised for the message I sent about dp being a knob.
Thanks for all your replies, all sides.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 02-Mar-13 17:05:07

Thing is, he hasnt actually said she couldnt go, he just wasnt happy, if OP goes, then he'll have to get over it.

idococktailshedoesbeer Sat 02-Mar-13 16:59:27

This has happened in reverse with me, my DP going out for drinks with a girl he used to be very close friends with, they slept together on and off but were never a couple. I honestly wasn't bothered. Your DP is obviously feeling insecure about you seeing this guy. It's fine if he needs reassurance, but he shouldn't be able to dictate who you're friends with.

RatPants Sat 02-Mar-13 16:48:55

I don't mean to say you are all wrong for sleeping with your friends btw grin.

It's just that my friends are my friends because I don't want to sleep with them, if I did then they would be more than friends iyswim.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 02-Mar-13 16:45:50

Next he will be coming out with the old line

"I trust you I just don't trust him"

RatPants Sat 02-Mar-13 16:45:47

I just wouldn't sleep with any of my male friends, full stop really. It's a different kind of relationship for me.

motherinferior Sat 02-Mar-13 16:17:16

Still thinking about this one. So, if you and a friend - of either gender - once in a fit of drunken boredom gave it a go, and it was all a bit of a disaster so you went back to being good friends, at the point where one of you started having regular sex with someone else you would have to break off your friendship on account of this one disastrous shag?

SpringtimeForHitler Sat 02-Mar-13 15:21:08

Can't believe this thread.

Just because you once had sex with someone you should never speak to them again once you're married?!
I went out with a guy for 6 months, split up and then met DH, my ex boyfriend is one of my closest friends 8 years later, I don't think of him in that way at all, and it's never awkward.

We go on holiday together (as part of a larger group) without DH and everything. He is my friend, the fact we have seen each other naked years ago doesnt matter. confused

motherinferior Sat 02-Mar-13 14:22:45

Oops. I've got friends I see sometimes, male and female, that Mr Inferior doesn't even know I've shagged in the distance) because weirdly enough we also manage to maintain sexual continence these days). Should I give him a list?

And just to make sure, what about snogging? The odd drunk one-off 22 years ago? People you fancied the pants off but never managed to get into bed? It's a whole new minefield.

PleasePudding Sat 02-Mar-13 13:37:59

YANBU. It is about insecurity.

I don't think it's any sort of LTB but good idea to make sure he knows how much you love and fancy him. I can see that if you've ha a long run of night (which can make you feel shit) the idea of working in the cold while your DP has fascinating conversation with someone she's previously been attracted to could cause anxiety.

However of course people can be friends with people they've slept with.. I don't want to jump back into be with any of my exs. But I still find their jokes funny, their company good and we have a good understanding of each other.

When I was first going our with DH he went on holiday with an ex who he was friends with, having broken up with about five years previously and it didn't bother me at all - I knew that he was massively into me. However I have to admit that 38 weeks pregnant with DC3 and a good 8 years of normal domestic drudgery gone by I'm not quite sure I'd still feel so wholly secure that he thinks of me as some sex goddess. smile

Maybe we all need some top-up security from time to time

RatPants Sat 02-Mar-13 13:10:16

My general rule of thumb is if I have slept with them, they probably aren't real friends. I have several close male friends who I could never entertain having sex with precisely because they are my friends iyswim

If you didn't have that history, it probably wouldn't be an issue for your husband but the fact that you have complicates the relationship a bit I think.

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