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Dp not wanting me to see male friend

(148 Posts)
SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 07:59:58

Going to try not to drip feed because I hate that.
Please be gentle with me!
Years ago, I had a best friend. One that I have loosely kept in touch with, but it looked like I'd have a child free evening today, so asked this friend for a catch-up drink.
This friend is male. We were best friends for about 3 years, together every day and when I moved from the area we lived in, he came with me for a while (separate bedrooms).
Ok, we did engage is sexual activity at times but that was way before dp and that was not what our friendship was about, and it definitely is not what anything is about now.
Dp thinks it's weird to keep in touch with an ex, although this guy is not an ex, we were never together as a couple and no romantic feelings were ever there. Dp still talks to his ex wife, I have never said anything about it.
My own fault for asking if it'd be ok and not just telling him really.
I said to him "I'm going to go see X tomorrow night for a catch up. Is that ok?" he got all umpy and grunted "please yourself" so I asked him what the problem was and he came out with all this shit about how I shouldn't want to see anyone else, and do I keep this guys number just in case etc etc etc.
I'm really angry as I feel this shows that dp doesn't respect or trust me.

CloudsAndTrees Sat 02-Mar-13 08:04:01

The test is, would you be happy to invite your DP to go with you? Is this the sort of friend that you spend time with when you are also with your DP?

I can see where your DP is coming from either way. If you have a rare evening without children, you should want to spend that having adult time with your partner instead of with someone else.

Flisspaps Sat 02-Mar-13 08:04:16

I knew a few of my male friends 'rather well' before I met DH. I am still friends with them and I would be fucking raging if DH suggested that I was friends with them now 'just in case'

Words would be had about his clearly low opinion of, and lack of trust in me.

mrsbunnylove Sat 02-Mar-13 08:07:46

you think you're entitled to male friends you've had sex with, when you're in a relationship

you haven't invited this bloke to your house with your partner, you've said you'll go out to meet him

you think your 'dp' doesn't respect you. after you've shown a total lack of respect for him by maintaining a relationship with a former sexual partner

you want you dp to sanction your meetings with your former sexual partner

your dp 'talks to' his ex wife. why? about children or shared property? or because he wants to keep that relationship going?

by all means go about your life your own way. it wouldn't suit me but that's fine.

livinginwonderland Sat 02-Mar-13 08:08:34

why wouldn't you want to spend a rare child-free evening with DP?

Blankiefan Sat 02-Mar-13 08:09:07

Has your DP spent anytime with your friend? It might be worthwhile getting them to do this (with you too) so DP can see there's no chemistry. (assuming there really is none...) Doesn't solve your immediate issue but maybe would help in the longer term.

Try not to see it as him not trusting you - it's probably more of a reflection of how he thinks he'd feel about a close female friend. Does he have any? (other than his ex?)

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:09:08

Clouds yes I would invote dp with me. He has met this friend before. Is why I told him about the extent of our relationship because when they were due to meet years ago, I didn't want dp to be the only one there who didn't know as I didn't feel there was any reason to keep it from him.
I can't spend the evening with dp because he will be at work. he works nights. My dad asked if he could have the ds's afternoon and overnight.
Flisspaps Exactly how I feel. What am I supposed to do?
I tried to have the conversation with dp last night about how I can see his side, but there really is no issue. And if he said he wanted to go for a drink with Julie (made up person) I'd be fine because I wouldn't expect him to go out with a friend and be unfaithful.
He just told me to please myself. We are not talking and I have told my friend that I can't go because dp is being a knob.

LeaveTheBastid Sat 02-Mar-13 08:09:27

What mrsbunnylove said.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:13:32

Him and his ex have no children together or property or anything like that. I don't know why they talk, they just do. I don't really have a problem with it.
mrsbunny I don't think I'm showing a lack of respect for my dp by wanting to see my friend, no. I saw this friend many times after me and dp became an item just haven't seen him for a long time because we moved, had children etc.

HollyBerryBush Sat 02-Mar-13 08:15:59

I can imagin the responses if it were the DH meeting an ex sexual partner for a catch up - would be totally different set of responses to the ones the OP is getting.

As always, it's about boundaries. Perfectly fine to keep up old friendships, if thats what they are. Once you bring sex into the equation that puts a whole different spin on it. Go out as double couple by all means.

Your DH still talks to his ex wife - but clearly they don't go out for a drink and a reminisce about the good old times though, which is what you are planning to do.

You say your husband has no respect - I'd say it's you disrespecting his feeling on the matter.

Also this highlights trust issues between the two of you. Not trust = no relationship

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:19:31

I'm not going (well at all now) to reminisce about the good old times. I was going to see my friend, see how he is, what he's up to etc.
Like I said, I had seen him many times after getting with dp and we never spoke about anything like that. I can't see that we would now.

Lovecat Sat 02-Mar-13 08:20:14

mrsbunnylove, the 1950's called and they want their attitude back... hmm

It is possible to remain friends with 'former sexual partners' (although I don't think that it sounds like this relationship was ever that formal) and see them platonically afterwards. It doesn't mean that the OP doesn't respect her husband. DH is still good friends with his university girlfriend, they shared an important part of their life together and I don't see why he should lose that because he's with me now. Does that mean he doesn't respect me? What a load of nonsense.

OP, he doesn't trust you, does he? That's the main issue here. I would find that both insulting and rather worrying.

I'm sorry you've felt that you have to cancel your night out.

lollilou Sat 02-Mar-13 08:22:42

Blimey I'm surprised by some of these posts.
Actually I am in a similar position except my dp hates my male friend. We did have a short relationship but it was 22 years ago! I do enjoy going for a drink with him about once every six months and I get the moaning ect about it. My friend is part of my history and we can chat for hours also I would never go there with him and dh knows this.
I totally disagree with mrsbunny.
Yanbu it's a drink and a catch up fgs.

ExasperatedSigh Sat 02-Mar-13 08:26:35

I would have no problem with my DH meeting an old friend, with whom he had once had sexual relations, for a drink.

I would also expect to be free to do this myself. A few sexual encounters don't supersede all the other aspects of a longstanding friendship.

I think you should go and meet your friend anyway. If your partner is still off about it, encourage him to have a calm and sensible talk with you about his feelings.

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:26:38

Thanks LoveCat. No, it appears that he doesn't trust me.
I cancelled because it would be out of order for me to still go knowing that dp doesn't like it.
I asked because when I told him about it, his face changed. I didn't ask him before I spoke to friend because I didn't think there'd be an issue.

Surely he'd know that if I wanted to be unfaithful, I could go and do that with a guy I could meet anywhere, at anytime even if I go out with the girls.
I wouldn't even call this friend an old sexual partner.
Dp has no reason to feel threatened b this person. Even if (and he wouldn't) this friend said how about it, me, dp and friend all know that we'd be on the floor laughing at just the thought. It just wouldn't happen

HollyBerryBush Sat 02-Mar-13 08:26:54

Let me think, if there was a thread entitled 'My Dp wants to go out with an ex fuck buddy for a drink' - which is really the situation here, would everyone really be waving their partners off with a smile for the evening? I don't think so!

I absolutely see why the DP is pissed off.

Also by telling the friend this: I have told my friend that I can't go because dp is being a knob. it shows what the OP thinks of her partner. Have a disagreement by all means but you don't take it outside of the house and involve Uncle Tom Cobbley and his dog in it.

angelinterceptor Sat 02-Mar-13 08:27:36

I would be annoyed if me DH didn't want me to see an old friend.


Theicingontop Sat 02-Mar-13 08:28:35

If your DP did go for a drink with his ex wife, would you mind?

livinginwonderland Sat 02-Mar-13 08:31:00

i agree with holly

TobyLerone Sat 02-Mar-13 08:32:30

Goodness, we shouldn't be friends with people we've previously had sex with?

That's my list of friends down to about...1, then hmm

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:35:07

Yes, I agree I shouldn't have told my friend that, I was angry and couldn't think of an excuse to cancel.

I would be fine if he wanted to see his ex wife. They spent 12 years together. He is in a committed relationship with me. I wouldn't assume he wanted anything else

SilveryMoon Sat 02-Mar-13 08:36:42

And yes, at the moment, I do think he's being a knob.

pictish Sat 02-Mar-13 08:37:09

Yanbu. I think you should be going to meet your mate with his blessing.

All those on here who clutch their throatas at the thought of their dh's going out for a drink with someone the used to have sex with are putting way too much onus onto the sex part.

I'm not even slightly jealous or possessive, and I would be completely fine with this if it were him, and I'd expect him to be just as fine were the tables turned.

It's about trust isn't it?

Theicingontop Sat 02-Mar-13 08:38:12

He's jealous. It's as simple as that. Unacceptable, yes, but not a sin (well technically it is, but whatever).

I would stand my ground, while trying my best to make him feel better about it, but standing my ground nonetheless. You love him, so you don't want him to feel bad, but at the same time it's a bad idea to start letting him dictate who you socialise with.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Mar-13 08:38:34

I think you are both BU to some extent.

If your DH is a controlling arse then this is not on, if he is feeling a bt worried or insecure then a bit of a chat or reassurance wouldn't harm.

In an ideal world everyone feels really secure and unthreatened. In reality, we are human and your DH may be feeling a bit worried.

I think it is fine t have friends of the opposite sex, includng exes, as long as it is handled with care, because it can be tricky.

Not sure I could get any further onto the fence on this issue!

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