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To be a little sad we can only afford one child

(155 Posts)
filibear Fri 01-Mar-13 20:18:30

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Ragwort Fri 01-Mar-13 20:36:52

If you have really decided that you cannot afford another one then I would agree, focus on your one lovely child, rather than what you haven't got. We have an only child (by choice, to be honest we could afford more) but we love having an only child, we can focus entirely on him, enjoy activities, do things together etc etc - we make sure he has plenty of other children to socialise with. Be positive, there are lots of good points to having an 'only' child.

Belugagrad Fri 01-Mar-13 20:39:35

Thanks for your post crikeysmile

Loving the syndicate idea filibear!

Belugagrad Fri 01-Mar-13 20:42:50

Ragwort, great post smile

WillSingForCake Fri 01-Mar-13 20:48:29

Good for you though, difficult decision to make, but so many people have children they can't afford.

CatsRule Fri 01-Mar-13 20:52:13

I can sympathise...we can't afford another either, not right now anyway.

Ds is 1 tomorrow and I would have liked a smallish age gap if we were able to have another but I have to accept that won't happen. We have a small 2 bed new build style house, ds's room is tiny, it wouldn't fit a double bed it is really small, and to add to that we don't have cupboard space or loft space. We would need to move!

To afford the childcare, waiting until ds was in school would be our only option. The problem with that would be my age and his age to share a tiny room with a 5 year age gap, with bigger difficulties if we had a girl sharing with him...hence why we would need to move.

It's a difficult one and having a sister and bil who can't have children makes me realise how lucky I am to have at least 1 dc but it doesn't stop me wanting another!

I feel for you and yoy don't want regrets.

KirstyJC Fri 01-Mar-13 20:59:27

We had a gap of 5 years between the first and second, and that really helped with keeping the costs down as the first was not in childcare by the time the second came along. The year off work on Maternity leave meant it was coming up to the second year of school before we needed any childcare for DS1 at all, and that was only out of hours club and holiday club, both of which were loads cheaper than nursery had been. And while DS1 was at school DS2 and I had the whole day to ourselves, so I didn't need to share him and he got lots of 1 one 1 Mummy time

Is a second child an option for you if you leave a longer gap, so it would be cheaper?

Oh, and kids LOVE sharing a room. Even 5 years apart, they loved sharing. DS1 did 'shows' for DS2, by dancing on his bed and singing. It was lovely! They were upset when we moved and they had separate rooms.

(Although we did go on to have DS3 as well......seemed like a good idea at the time....)

bluer Fri 01-Mar-13 21:05:08

I think we'll only have one! We have a lovely house but our mortgage is such that we will both have to work. That's our choice etc. I will have a year off and go part time after but that's only because we've been able to save a substantial sum. Once that's gone we'll not be able to save a similar amount before i'm of an age where getting pregnant is more difficult etc. we have no family who can do childcare so we'd be looking at around eight hundred per child a month. We simply can afford one but not two.
Fwiw i'm happy with this...we'll be able to be financially comfortable, will be able to give one child the life and opportunities it deserves. The people who say two costs the same as one and why don't you give up work obviously don't get that childcare is expensive and not every couple can make do with one salary.

mrsjay Fri 01-Mar-13 21:06:32

cats your son is just a baby who knows how you will feel in a few years time,

4ys 10 months between mine and they share a room it can be done ime

MyDarlingClementine Fri 01-Mar-13 21:13:35

My dd has been v v lonley and Its broken my heart to see how lonley she has been and her looking at other children with siblings etc was hard.

We have had another and we have less incoming now than when DD1 was born and we have managed absolutly fine.
She has been overwhelmed to get a sibling, a few days later she said in a low voice, " MUmmy, thank you for x".

VivaLeBeaver Fri 01-Mar-13 21:14:39

We couldn't afford another and then by the time we could I decided the age gap would be too big.

To be honest if we had had two we wouldn't be able to afford the lifestyle we have now. Just everything from days out, weekly food bills, holidays would be more money.

We couldn't have afforded the childcare for two. And like you Filibear we'd have needed to move house.

I am a bit sad we only have one but me and dd are very close which is nice.

mrsjay Fri 01-Mar-13 21:15:10

She has been overwhelmed to get a sibling, a few days later she said in a low voice, " MUmmy, thank you for x".

Aww bless her that is lovely smile <welling up>

Phineyj Fri 01-Mar-13 21:20:16

Don't do it just because you think they'll appreciate the sibling -- for everyone I can think of who adores their brother(s) or sister(s) I can think of several who can't stand them!

MyDarlingClementine Fri 01-Mar-13 21:24:48


But on the other hand dont not do it because they might not get on.

Alligatorpie Fri 01-Mar-13 21:27:43

We waited until dd1 was in school before having another. We couldnt afford childcare for 2 or we would have had a smaller age gap. I was 40 when dd2 was born and was a bit concerned about my age, but everything was been fine.
Dd1 says she cant wait for dd2 to sleep through the night, so they can share a room.

blacktaildog Fri 01-Mar-13 21:28:33

i would have one more anyway if i wanted another, you will find a way money wise

duende Fri 01-Mar-13 21:29:03

We couldn't afford to have two in full time childcare and we couldn't afford for either of us to quit work. But I was really sad thinking hat DS would be an only (I know it's the right decision for some families and I know plenty of only children are happy etc, etc). We decided to go for a bigger gap - there will be 4 years between our two, DS will be starting school when I'm on mat leave. I'm 18 weeks pregnant now and sooo pleased we made that decision.

1991all Fri 01-Mar-13 21:33:15

I would never let this be a reason not to have another child, unless you were literally homeless or penniless

Viviennemary Fri 01-Mar-13 21:38:54

Unless you have huge childminding bills, I don't think a second child costs that much more for the first few years anyway. Until they start demanding designer trainers and I-pads and the like and you can always say no! I'm an only one and always said I wouldn't have just one child if I could possibly help it. But it's up to everyone to decide for themselves. Some folk love being only children.

gaelicsheep Fri 01-Mar-13 21:43:08

Why can't you afford more than one child? Because you'd have to sacrifice your current lifestyle, is that it? I thought I would never have more than one child because I couldn't bear to go through pregnancy or labour again, I mean I was terrified. But in the end I realised I also couldn't bear for DS to grow up alone, and that was worse. The financial side of things was not a consideration, and we do not have a lot of money.

However I guess everyone has their own priorities. I would not choose to have a third. I am blessed with two healthy children, and a third is too much of a risk in all kinds of ways.

GinghamChic Fri 01-Mar-13 21:52:44

How can so many of you be saying that 2 is not more so is!!
2 x...
Childcare in the early years...a killer
Then 2 x....
School dinners, swimming lessons, football, dancing, shoes, school trips, Christmas presents...need u go on?

We couldn't afford 3, knowing how much of a jump going from 1 to 2 is...shock

Fridgedooropen Fri 01-Mar-13 21:58:55

I'm quite encouraged by all the posts saying 2 is more affordable than it might seem. I would like a second and we were going to go for it a little while ago and then a few things went wrong and our income plummetted so it's on hold. However, our plan was for a gap so that DC1 will be in school and so we would only be back to paying one lot of childcare fees. Still have buggy etc. We also have the room so am definitely tempted if things stabilise in the next few months.

However, OP, what I would also say is that I am an only child myself and had a great childhood. So if you decide it will just be one DC for you, then I know you will have to come to terms with that on your own account but don't feel bad for your DC - there are so many upsides to one child and I truly had an idyllic time of it.

gaelicsheep Fri 01-Mar-13 22:00:53

It can be more expensive yes, it depends on the decisions you make. But there is more to life than money and if you can afford one you can find a way to afford two. No one should feel they can't give their child a sibling because of money. If the OP feels like she's being dutiful to society in some way, then I think she could quite rightfully tell society to piss off.

Trills Fri 01-Mar-13 22:02:04

"A little sibling for DS" is not a good reason to have a child.

Siblings don't necessarily enhance each others' lives.

gaelicsheep Fri 01-Mar-13 22:02:15

I would also say that having struggled and struggled to have one, the concept of planning a child, on financial terms or otherwise, is totally alien to me. DD was a happy accident that we kind of wished for but never thought would happen.

MyDarlingClementine Fri 01-Mar-13 22:04:12

Siblings don't necessarily enhance each others' lives.

But siblings dont necessarily not enhance each others lives either.

And when they do get on and love each other, and support each other, and have children, and help each other through life - what price can you put on that?

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