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MIL organising honeymoon

(203 Posts)
Lanzagrotty Thu 28-Feb-13 21:29:50

I've namchanged for this as i suspect I may be being a bit bridezilla so would like to know your opinions.

I'm getting married at the end of August and a couple of months ago my soon to be MIL told us that she would pay for our honeymoon as a wedding present - she also said she would choose where we go and it would be a surprise. We had to choose five places in Europe and she would choose one.

Apparently this is a family tradition and although I know it is well meant and very generous I'm really unhappy about it.

My reasons are that we had an idea where we wanted to go before she made the offer and it wasn't in Europe. Secondly, and this might sound a bit strange but I think it would kind of feel like she was on honeymoon with us. i think a honeymoon is a very personal thing where the couple spend time alone away from families. So to me this it seems odd for my in-laws to choose where we're going.

But the main problem is that my finace let slip that she had told him where we are going and it turns out it's Lanzarote! This wasn't one of the five places we chose and apparently its because she couldn't get Mallorca (one of the places we DID choose)within budget. I went on a girls holiday to Lanzarote a few years ago and my image of it is definitely not that of a honeymoon destination.

What on Earth do I do without causing major upset just before I join the family. Am I being unreasonable?

ladymariner Thu 28-Feb-13 22:50:46

I'm obviously going totally against the grain here but I think YABU. If you didn't want your inlaws to do this then you should have said so at the time. As you didn't, then I think you'll just have to go along with it and use the money you would have spent on your choice of honeymoon on a fantastic first anniversary holiday to the place of your choice.

And I'm not a MIL sympathiser, hell would have frozen over before I let mine choose our honeymoon.....hell is actually where she'd like to send me!!!! grin

5Foot5 Thu 28-Feb-13 22:53:09

I think YAB a bit U

Ok so it might not be the destination of your dreams but at the end of the day it is just a holiday. You have the rest of your married life to go to all those places you might have dreamt of. After the stress of a wedding you might just be ready to relax and chill out anywhere.

True - MIL booking the honeymoon might be unusual but if it is a family tradition it is not such a bad one. For the sake of future good relations I would go along with it for good grace and consider that the money we had saved for not paying for our own honeymoon could be used for that dream tripanother year.

SnotMeReally Thu 28-Feb-13 22:54:24

ladym - but she hasn't got what she agreed to - she agreed to MIL paying for one of their 5 choices - so it would still be somewhere they wanted to go, but an actual surprise which place till nearer the time - this is NOT what they have got. They dont want the place she has booked. It was not even suggested to them as a possible alternative to guage reaction - just booked, no wonder OP is feeling a bit down about it all.

Its like asking for a scarf / bag / perfume for christmas and gettting a box of roses instead

SnotMeReally Thu 28-Feb-13 22:56:26

Gin said - I would say something now because if you don't then you are setting a very unhealthy precedent and will end up doing things you don't like to keep the peace for the rest of your marriage.

^^I agree 100% with this!

sicutlilium Thu 28-Feb-13 22:57:11

OP, are you sure the booking has been made? Wouldn't it have required your soon-to-be-DH to have given his mother your passport number? Assuming it's got that far, she may also have made some assumptions about the name you intend to use when you're married and booked you in as Mrs Lanzagrotty rather than Ms Exotic-Destination, which might result in you being unable to board...

Lanzagrotty Thu 28-Feb-13 23:01:38

Oooh gosh no. There's been no mention of passport numbers. I'm not planning on changng my passport in time for the honeymoon. My DF isn't in on it. I think his mum just mentioned the destination to him as it wasn't what we'd originally chosen and he just said yeah fine. He says it doesn't matter as long as we're together - very sweet but doesn't help any!

Jelly15 Thu 28-Feb-13 23:02:01

I think it is not on and if I was the MIL I would have just given you the money for you to choose, plan and book your own. However, it is done now and it will ruin the whole wedding if you stir it all up now. Put it down to a lesson learned, enjoy your free holiday and, as someone else said, save up for your real honeymoon on your 1st annviversery, so you will still have something to look foward to after the wedding and holiday are over.

Now you will be prepared for the future and don't let your MIL get control again

buzzy1 Thu 28-Feb-13 23:02:05

Speaking from my experience I made the mistake of letting my MIL pay for our wedding photos, so she she saw it as her prerogative to choose the photos that went into our wedding album..I ended up doing a DIY album in the end as wasn't happy with her choices!. And it didn't stop there, she lives in the country where we were getting married so DH gave in to her wish that the wedding list be from a department store over there, meaning that she even went as far as choosing our wedding list, and for some reason I let her!! After nearly 10 years of marriage it still makes me mad that i let her control so many aspects of our special day, and I think it's probably affected my feelings towards her. And its affected my memories of the a long winded way of saying don't let her do it!

RIZZ0 Thu 28-Feb-13 23:12:40

Yanbu. I don't think you're being unreasonable at any stage, as you only agreed to this, albeit begrudgingly, because you felt assured it would be one of five places you were happy to go to.

Lanzagrotty is not on that list. Controlling behaviour on her part and personally I think if not in this case, then certainly in others situations that may crop up soon, you should calmly and kindly assert yourself and let her know her place.

P.s. if you do end up going, there's a nice restaurant called Ikarus you should try. Lovely food and wine, we hid out there for most of the week as we didn't really enjoy the rest of the island and the weather was rubbish (winter break).

Christelle2207 Thu 28-Feb-13 23:16:53

Given that she's chosen somewhere not on your list, (and you can say you've been before and didn't like it) you have every right to make a fuss. Get your dp to sort it. I never would have agreed to this tbh.

PopeBenedictsP45 Thu 28-Feb-13 23:19:23

I don't think you're being silly - I would be really upset.

Is there anyway to refund the tickets, or pay extra to have the destination changed? Apologies if you've already answered this question.


MyDarlingClementine Thu 28-Feb-13 23:21:40

" Save your money for a dream holiday later and call that your honeymoon. Spend your time in Lanzarote planning it."

I found this ^ hillarious!

i love that its taken as a given that all you can do there is plan how to get out of it - and yet its a really popular destination.

surely there must be some more upmarket part and stunning hotel etc...that no one has seen on thier younger girly hols?

I def think they are pulling your leg btw.

Doha Thu 28-Feb-13 23:34:53

I hated Lanzarote when l went with the family 3 years ago, can't think of any nice thing to say about it. The best part was the flight home.
Wild horses would not drag me back there. OP if you really don't want to go--and really it is not a honeymoon destination-ask your DF to man up and speak to his mum. She has been VVU not booking one of your European destinations.

TastesLikePanda Thu 28-Feb-13 23:37:01

My MILtobe made me the same offer... And then turned up at my house with all those 'holiday for £10' vouchers from the sun and told me to pick my holiday park, and not to worry about travelling there as they (she and fil) would drive us anywhere.

I am normally polite and gracious but I couldn't disguise the look of horror on my face....

and I reckon she would have turned up as a surprise as well

Snazzynewyear Thu 28-Feb-13 23:41:47

Definitely find out what has been booked so far, and look at the possibility of cancelling it and - though you will lose some money - transferring the rest of the credit to a place you will enjoy. I would sort that and and then, in a few months' time, come up with some story about how the travel agent contacted you to say there'd been some disaaster where the hotel has had to close suddenly so they have offered you a choice of other destinations instead. So you've ended up with Mallorca after all, how funny, eh? grin

I've been and it was fine - good value break some years back. But that doesn't make much difference if you will spend your honeymoon being hacked off that someone else chose it for you and picked something you didn't want. So I would work on changing it without a direct confrontation.

Snazzynewyear Thu 28-Feb-13 23:42:25

Panda shock

KD0706 Fri 01-Mar-13 00:39:10

We went to lanzarote on holiday a few years ago and actually quite enjoyed it blush

But i think YANBU - it's odd mil selecting and booking your honeymoon and even more bizarre that she's chosen somewhere that wasn't on your list.
Given the reason that's been given is budget constraints I would be worried you'll end up in some shitty resort and miserable.

Get DH (DF?) to have a word and sort it.

MumofWombat Fri 01-Mar-13 01:30:17

I think your future DH needs to go and have a word with his mum. He needs to say that in passing he mentioned Lanzarote to you and that you said that you had been there before, didn't really like it etc and so now he is worrying about it being suitable as the honeymoon destination. There is plenty of time of change to the booking, perhaps he could offer to her to help pay the extra to make it into one of the places you would really like to go to. He should do this as he was the one that stated to her (without checking with you) that it would be fine. He needs to take it on his shoulders.
So talk to him, he really needs to see your point of view, and he needs to deal with MIL.

FairPhyllis Fri 01-Mar-13 02:41:16

Actually I think YANBU and seeing as this will be a special time for you you should not be railroaded into this, especially as it's not what you agreed to. You may end up in some hotel which is horrible.

I would also worry about creating a precedent for this sort of controlling behaviour from your ILs. ILs paying for a honeymoon not necessarily weird, but choosing the destination and going against what you'd agreed is very strange. If the wedding is months away then you can get this sorted now and let any bad feeling dissipate before the wedding.

When were you supposed to find out the destination? Right before you went away?

Lavenderhoney Fri 01-Mar-13 03:53:05

It sounds a bit odd to me. If its a family tradition, who else in the family has done it and where did they go? Has no one ever mentioned it?
What about when you get married and start your own family traditions, like Christmas day at your house?

It's very generous of her, but if you don't want to go there for your special time then it won't be something to look forward to. And there is so much pressure nowadays to have a dream honeymoon destination and if lanzarote doesn't feature on yours or dh to be then it won't be much fun.

Can you google where you might be staying? It might be lovely, you never know.

Oh, and don't let your mil get involved again in big decisions. It's a slippery slope. ( experience)

echt Fri 01-Mar-13 06:46:51

Hire a car and drive round Lanzarote looking at at all the Manrique museums/restaurants/galleries; they're beautiful. There's a fab cactus garden and the Cuevos Verde. A trip round a volcano is good.

On the other hand, I don't think YABU because Lanzarote was not what you asked for and you positively don't want to go. Tell DH-to-be the deal's off; I'm sure somewhere else can be booked between now and August.

Now I think of it, with a world recession on, I'd be amazed if all the places you wanted were booked out. Do a bit of checking yourself.

NorksAreMessy Fri 01-Mar-13 06:59:03

We had the worst possible honeymoon, we had hardly any money, Terrible hotel, no car, nasty food, ear infection, just dreadful.
It hasn't affected our marriage smile and we laugh about it.
But even we would not want to knowingly go on a holiday we didn't want to go on.

Please say something NOW, forget surprises and family traditions, just talk about it openly like adults.
I am sure your MIL, if she loves you both, would want you to be happy. This is not making you happy.
Please talk to her

ZillionChocolate Fri 01-Mar-13 07:23:33

I had two honeymoons, both surprises, both fantastic. Both booked by someone who was thinking about what I'd enjoy.

I think you can enjoy a honeymoon anywhere, certainly my parents/grandparents never had anything flash. I agree with the suggestion of just making the best of it and then going to your preferred destination later on. That said, if you're likely to brood over it so not be able to make the best of it, now is the time to sort it out. I think it's DF's responsibility. He's the one that put MiL's convenience over your wishes. I'd modify the tradition so that it's a surprise to only one of you. Can you trust DF to sort out a holiday? (I'd call off the wedding if you can't wink)

ZillionChocolate Fri 01-Mar-13 07:31:10

Is the Maldives your dream destination OP? I've just read a thread on here that makes Lanzarote look infinitely more civilised.

ChasedByBees Fri 01-Mar-13 07:34:50

Oh yuk how awful. I was going to suggest what mumofwombat has said

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