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AIBU?

To consider leaving my husband

19 replies

WomanCalledAlice · 27/02/2013 23:47

We have been together 16 years, married 12. We have 3 dc's. he is very work orientated, loves his job, probably works on average 15 hours a day with rare days off.

I work ft, I do all the housework, cooking taking kids to activities etc.

When he comes home he's tired and grumpy, snaps at us all. Earlier tonight he told ds1 to turn off Xbox and ds protested a bit. Dh said if he doesn't like it he can bugger off (he's 14). That was all the conversation he made with any of the children :( ds2 had been at football practice and was telling dh about the goals he scored and was all proud, dh couldn't have looked less interested. It's horrible to watch, I can't stand it. When I speak to dh about it he brushes it off.

I know he's tired, I'm fucking shattered but I can still take an interest in my children. He stormed off to bed at 9pm because I blanked him after the Xbox thing with ds1. I know he will be all apologetic tomorrow to me but not the kids.

He does have good points but I just wish he would take time with the children, they grow up so fast and after tonight it's got me thinking they probably can't wait to move out away from this grumpy arsehole who doesn't seem to have any time for them. It's so sad.

OP posts:

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anonymosity · 27/02/2013 23:51

YANBU to consider it but I think you might have a long way to go before its the thing to do. You definitely need to find the time and space to talk things through together in a non-grumpy / non-exhausted way. Is there a chance of you being able to find the time to do this over a weekend maybe?

andubelievedthat · 27/02/2013 23:52

Nice , you and him >you and him plus children , him working round the clock =grumpy , so now an Arsehole, and a grumpy arsehole at that ! yup, leave the bastard. a grumpy arsehole ! way to go.

mummymeister · 27/02/2013 23:52

tbh this doesnt sound like you really want to leave him. it sounds like you want things to change things which is a different issue altogether. only you can tell if this is an irretrievable situation or not.from a distance though i would say that you need to talk to him not immediately after a row or when you are both tired but set aside some time. being in a relationship is damn hard work.

WomanCalledAlice · 27/02/2013 23:56

Andyoubelievedthat, I don't really understand your post.

I do love him, he loves me and same with the children. Just sometimes the things he says/does upset me and I think we would be happier here just the 4 of us.

OP posts:

KeatsiePie · 27/02/2013 23:57

andubelievedthat your post is not too clear but from what I can tell that was rather snotty and unhelpful.

YANBU to think of it, but I wonder if he realizes how serious your feelings are or how badly he's affecting the family dynamics. Could you set aside a time to go out someplace (less stressful to sit down and iron things out if not in the house) and sit down and talk together? It might really help.

cantspel · 27/02/2013 23:59

Maybe if the 14 year old did what he was told to without making a fuss then your oh wouldn't be so grumpy.

maddening · 28/02/2013 00:02

There is no way he can achieve a work life balance doing 15hour days 5 or more days a week. He is sacrificing his relationship with his family for work.

How would him scaling back hours impact his job/career/income? Could you as a family take that financial hit? If so I would imagine that would be the way forward.

WomanCalledAlice · 28/02/2013 00:08

Cantspell, in an ideal world yes ds1 would say yes dad straight away with no argument.

Maddening, he worries about money, I think he feels he needs to take all the hours going which is good but as you say his family life is suffering for it. Anytime I try and talk to him it turns into an argument. There is no talking to him. He isn't involved in anything the kids do.

I had such a good day today,I've just returned to work after a serious illness and have been quite depressed for probably the past year. He brings me down in a shot but I know it's not intentional. God it's so complicated.

OP posts:

WomanCalledAlice · 28/02/2013 00:14

Thanks for all helpful replies btw.

OP posts:

IloveJudgeJudy · 28/02/2013 14:36

I suggest that you all sit down to dinner together as much as you can. I used to insist that DC told me about their day. DS1 always has, so it was no bother for him, but DD didn't really want to, but now, if I don't ask her about her day, she tells me anyway. DS2 tells me, too. What I'm saying is that DC used to moan about having to tell me, but now it's matter of course. I'm a great believer in sitting down to meals together as much as possible. I find it's a good time to catch up on people's lives. DH, too, could then tell DC about his day and now they're older, they'll be able to empathise with him if he has difficult people/situations to deal with. I find it helps as the other family members can suggest solutions to any problems anyone has, either with people or work.

Have you tried that?

KellyElly · 28/02/2013 14:42

Andyoubelievedthat, I don't really understand your post. You're not alone there OP

You need to address this with him OP as I think many marriages break up because of a partner who is absent from family life through work. At the end of the day you are a family and should have time to interact as one. He needs to invest time in you and his children as well as his job. If he won't communicate and point blank refuses then you really do have to have a long hard think about what you are getting from this marriage.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 28/02/2013 14:43

"Maybe if the 14 year old did what he was told to without making a fuss then your oh wouldn't be so grumpy."

What the fuck?!

Yes, all bow down to the man of the house when he comes in and comply with whatever he says.

specialsubject · 28/02/2013 14:47

don't tell us, tell him. He is so absorbed in his work that he is not noticing that his marriage is in danger.

tell him flat out.

scarletforya · 28/02/2013 14:47

YANBU

I hate it when workaholics epect others to view them as some sort of hero to be tip-toed around.

It's his choice to work 15 hours a day, nobody makes him. If he wants to be a martyr and waste his life working then that's his choice but he has no right to expect his family to suffer his strops because of his lifestyle choices.

scarletforya · 28/02/2013 14:48

*expect

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/02/2013 15:04

What is your financial situation like? Can you show him that he doesn't need to work all these hours to "protect" the family as you are doing OK?

I am the main breadwinner in our house and sometimes after a tough week I am a bit grumpy by Friday but I always spend the first few minutes after I get in catching up with the children before getting changed. If they've already eaten I'll sit and eat my supper with them whilst they do their homework. I don't expect DH and the children to navigate around my moods most of the time just because I work long hours and bring in the bulk of the cash. The children didn't ask me to do my job nor did DH, I chose it.

HecateWhoopass · 28/02/2013 15:07

Have you told him how you feel and what you are considering?

That is information that he needs to have.

Tell him.

Tenacity · 28/02/2013 15:09

It takes two to tango.
You said you do all the housework, cooking, taking kids to activities etc. It also sounds like this has been so for a long time? Don't you see how you have fed the beast?
By doing everything, (all long) yet also working full time, your husband has had no need to change. Now that the chickens are coming home to roost, you don't like it.
I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband (and mean it) about the dire state of your marriage. He has no right to take his frustrations on his innocent children. They have a right to a good parent who put their needs first. He is certainly not putting their needs first, and this should have been addressed a long time ago.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/02/2013 15:22

Tenacity
Whilst I agree that he is not putting his children's needs first in total I suspect that he does think that he is. If he is someone who values financial security highly or is worried about the cost of University, for example, he thinks that he is putting their needs first by working long hours and bringing extra cash.

OP - I think you might need to get to the bottom of his motivation for working the long hours as he may not be doing it for selfish reasons even if the impact on the family does make it feel that way. Maybe he has got so focussed on providing financially for the family that he has forgotten that the most valuable thing you can give them is your time.

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