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To think mum has ruined 'surprise' baby shower deliberately??

(66 Posts)
chubbychipmonk Wed 27-Feb-13 23:01:38

Ok, so am 37 weeks pg with DC2. My mum has always been very self centred, opinionated, not very maternal etc etc. She's not shown a lot of compassion or helped a lot over recent weeks when both me & my DH have been working full time & it's been a hassle for her any time she's been asked (which is very rarely) to help look after our 3 year old DS. I finish up work this Fri for mat leave after a long, tiring pregnancy.

Anyway. . . Tonight on the phone to her the conversation goes:

Mum ' oh . . I got a text from your friend X today'
Me 'Really, what about?
Mum ' oh , you don't know?? Oh never mind'
Me 'know what mum, what are you talking about??'
Mum ' it doesn't matter, I'll speak to X (my DH) about it tomorrow'
Me ' what are you going to speak to DH about?? I don't understand'
Mum (in a now annoying coy voice) 'have you not been on Facebook lately?'
Me 'yes, why??' (Now starting to realise there's some sort of surprise planned)
Mum ' oh it doesn't matter, just forget I said anything'.

I then came off the phone & relayed the conversation to my DH saying how confused I was & then when I saw his face realised he was in on the 'surprise' too.

End result is my DH then text my friend who phoned really upset, I told her (& DH) that I still technically don't know anything so whatever 'surprise' has been planned is still technically not ruined. Said to friend, was she sure my mum knew she wasn't meant to say anything to which I was told that yes, she was fully aware it was a surprise and a secret. She's not a stupid woman so I'm inclined to agree. My gut feeling is that it's a baby shower that's been planned & I'm really happy that its been arranged for me but am now really sad to think my mum ruined the surprise deliberately! I still don't know any of the details so its still technically a surprise!

My DH is raging, this is the final icing on the cake for him (as I said, long list of previous episodes) but there's a part of me that would like to believe she didn't deliberately ruin the surprise for me, although I know deep down I'm kidding myself.

Why would she want to be so spiteful? Am I being unreasonable to think she ruined surprise on purpose? Sorry for spelling errors, a, typing furiously coz am upset!

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 17:41:43

Thanks for all the replies, horrible to think there are so many people out there who set out to 'ruin' what's meant to be a nice surprise for someone!

Lonelynessie Thu 28-Feb-13 13:36:31

Yanbu. My mum told me that my OH was going to propose to me when I had no idea so she totally ruined the surprise for me. We now don't tell her anything involving surprises as she would ruin it if she knew.

HairyHandedTrucker Thu 28-Feb-13 13:31:21

if dh hadn't called I am pretty sure your mother would have just to "warn" your friend she might have "accidentally" spilled the beans

FakePlasticLobsters Thu 28-Feb-13 12:22:56

My MIL does similar things chipmonk and it got to the point were people don't let her in on things now.

She had a reputation for putting her foot in it or not thinking before she speaks. But she's not stupid either, somehow she always manages to say the wrong thing to the wrong person at exactly the right time to cause maximum upset. Time and again she has spoiled a surprise, used a happy occasion to cause upset or turned a bad moment into an awful one, all with a carefully timed 'thoughtless' comment or two.

People have stopped telling her anything now, unless they want it broadcast to the world.

We actually managed to be on 60 Minute Makeover with the entire family in on the secret, other than DH as it was his surprise, and PILS, as they would without any doubt have told him all about it.

I don't know what they get out of being the party popper, unless it is just that they are not the centre of attention, but eventually it does backfire because people just stop including them in the end.

Pigsmummy Thu 28-Feb-13 11:23:06

Pretend to be surprised and never let on that your Mum ruined this, especially to her. Enjoy your surprise, might be lunch? A gift?

Whitewineformeplease Thu 28-Feb-13 11:15:48

Any time someone gets worked up about the word 'bitch' I think of this:'s%20mom's%20a%20b%20lyrics&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CDYQtwIwAQ&,d.aGc

DeWe Thu 28-Feb-13 10:46:35

It doesn't sound like she meant to ruin it deliberately from that conversation.

At university dh (boyfriend at the time) organised a surprise 21st for me. One of my friends came up and said to me "Sorry, I can't make tomorrow night. Have a good birthday."
Cue everyone else going "shhhh!" grin

fluffyraggies Thu 28-Feb-13 10:05:30

Funnily enough OP we have a surprise in the offing for DD2 at the moment. It's her 18th. DH and i are going to take her out without saying what's happening one evening and 11 members of immediate family and closest friends are going to meet us and we'll all go to see Phantom Of the Opera together.

Needless to say it's taken a fair amount of juggling and switching dates around to get the tickets booked for 11+ people seated together in decent seats on a convenient day and time near her birthday. Hence a fair amount of re arrangement talks.

It's being quite tricky not to bring it up accidently in conversation with the family when DD2 is around. I live in fear of just blurting it out tourettes style grin

But my mum will insist on trying to 'mouth' things to me about it with DD2 right by her, or while we're in the car! I don't know if she thinks DD2s blind or stupid!?

So far - with much frantic ignoring, frowning and micro shaking of head from me - no damage has been done. But yesterday i had to say mum, if you want to talk about the plans for the outing pleeease ring me or at least wait till DD2 isn't sitting next to me! Arrggh.

MidnightMasquerader Thu 28-Feb-13 09:32:39

My best friend and husband are good friends too, chubby - he would've texted her on a heads up basis, as well. smile

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 09:02:15

Already explained that one teacher. . . Because he was prob worried that I was going to phone her & ask her what she was texting my mum about. He prob just wanted to give her the heads up so she had an excuse prepared but then they realised that I'm not stupid & the cat was well & truly out the bag! Think he was in on the planning judging by his disappointment & anger.

teacher123 Thu 28-Feb-13 08:43:54

Why on earth did your DH text your friend to tell her you knew?! You could have just looked surprised and not have told your friend who's done all the organising! I hope you have a lovely time.

MidnightMasquerader Thu 28-Feb-13 08:37:52

Isn't it reasonably obvious that's there's more to it? The OP wouldn't be starting a thread on Mumsnet if there wasn't more to it.

diddl Thu 28-Feb-13 08:35:46

MyBoys-That he's raging!

So OP now knows that a surprise has been organised.

OK, not fantastic for the organisers, but hardly that big a deal either.

But there's obviously more to it, I guess.

lougle Thu 28-Feb-13 08:34:38

When I was a student I was going out with my now DH. I arranged to take him by train to London, kidnapping him first and had tickets to Phantom of The Opera.

I told his parents and explained the whole surprise.

After we'd been, DH said it wasn't that much of a surprise because his Dad had left a pamphlet about Phantom of the Opera on his bed the day before we went angry

It's deliberate.

MidnightMasquerader Thu 28-Feb-13 08:32:37

usual - I was going to call her Mum a 'spiteful old witch' but thought better of it. So it could've been worse. wink

DontmindifIdo Thu 28-Feb-13 08:25:53

BTW - my mum has a habit of making everything about her, I know it upsets my DH, not that what she does upsets him, but that he realises the effect it will have on me, he's upset that she's upset me IYSWIM.

myBOYSareBONKERS Thu 28-Feb-13 08:24:39

DIDDL - I find your husband's reaction very odd though.

which reaction?

And your friend-crying??

so would I out of anger and frustration!!

DontmindifIdo Thu 28-Feb-13 08:24:30

I do like the idea of telling her it's cancelled, then going ahead anyway...

It's sad when you realise that some people do need to have their involvment limited, but it looks like the case here. I guess it's a lesson to you all. It's a pity because she'll miss out, but if she can't be trusted not to make things about her in one way or another, best you do.

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 08:23:32

Thanks whocan, not going to let her ruin it smile

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 08:22:20

Don't get me wrong, friend wasn't sobbing her heart out or anything but there was a wobble in her voice, could tell she was upset. Prob coz she knows this is the most recent in a long line of events like it sadly hmm

Whocansay Thu 28-Feb-13 08:18:24

I think everyone's overreacting a bit here, tbh. It's hardly the end of the world. What your mum did isn't very nice, but you can still go and enjoy the party.

I would tell her nothing in future if she's likely to use the information for her own ends. And I'd tell her that the party was cancelled, so she doesn't go!

I hope you have a lovely time. And congratulations.

diddl Thu 28-Feb-13 08:14:17

Well only you know your Mum well enough to really judge whether or not it was likely to be deliberate.

I find your husband's reaction very odd though.

And your friend-crying??

Still, they'll neither of them tell her anything about anything in future, will they?

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 08:12:47

Like it fluffy! Also liking the idea of telling her its cancelled & then going ahead without her!

chubbychipmonk Thu 28-Feb-13 08:11:11

Usual, of course it's not nice having anyone all your mum a bitch. This is the problem, I always stick up for her, she didn't mean it etc. My DH has been calling her a lot worse names in the last 24hours & I was going down the whole 'may she did it accidentally' road but posting on here sadly makes me realise what my gut instinct was telling me all along, that she is a bit of a bitch & did it on purpose.

fluffyraggies Thu 28-Feb-13 08:07:41

Thinking long term OP i would make a mental note to keep any future surprises for your children or adults in the family a secret from her.

You can enjoy the moment when you reveal the secret to her a couple of hours before the event, saying 'yeah, we didn't tell you because we know you find it hard to remember not to say anything'.

This will prevent her 'accidently' spoiling the surprise or, poor love, her having the awful burden of having to keep a secret. Sadly this will mean she will also miss out on the delicious excitement of the build up too - hey ho, we reap what we sow ay? wink

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