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to be upset with dh or am I over reacting?

(95 Posts)
RattyRoland Wed 27-Feb-13 22:58:06

I'm going to return to work part time. At the moment all bills are split roughly 50:50 dh and I (I'm currently full time).

Dh earns more than me. I suggested to dh that we could continue paying our bills etc 50:50 but that as I'll be part time he and I would share my loss of earnings equally, I.e if I'm earning £500pcm less than before, he pays me £250 and so we're both £250 less well off.

Dh was up in arms at this suggestion and said he had assumed we'd carry on paying half the bills each, as well as the part-time nursery fees, leaving me with a lot less income and him a lot more. Aibu? I feel he's been really unfair about this, he can easily afford to make up half my loss of earnings, I'm not money grabbing and we both want me to look after ds on my days off, its just I don't see that I should have next to no money and him keep all his earnings...

EMS23 Thu 28-Feb-13 20:11:53

Girloutnumbered - I have a stepson so do indeed pay maintenance out of 'my' money that is in 'our' pot. Especially when my DH was out of work for 3 years and we didn't reduce maintenance payments at all.

GirlOutNumbered Thu 28-Feb-13 20:19:51

Is it awful that I don't want to pay for that..... Or his car loan? I also don't want to pay fonrhis credit card either. He is happy with the way we do things, plus we always but each other things or help each other out if necessary

EMS23 Thu 28-Feb-13 20:24:28

Of course it's not awful, it works for you and that's the important thing.

Eliza22 Thu 28-Feb-13 20:40:43

He's joking, surely?

Years ago, I met and married a man and we both worked full time. We had separate accounts and paid half of everything. We had a child. I went on mat leave and eventually went back on part time nights. He still expected me to pay half of everything. Out of guilt (he didn't want children) I used every last bit of my personal "rainy day" savings I'd put together, even before I met him. When they ran out he mostly referred to me as a "millstone around his effing neck". He left, when my son was 4.

I had 4 years as a single parent. I am now remarried to a man who sees us as a partnership. I don't work as my son is disabled and DH works abroad a lot. However, he NEVER makes me feel like I'm a burden and I work hard at home and the time we do get together isn't spent catching up on cleaning and ironing. I'm very lucky, I know.

I don't know what to say to you but I'm sad for you, in that situation.

Noideaatall Sat 02-Mar-13 23:56:16

I am in a similar position OP - but my DP thinks it's quite reasonable for me to pay for the place we live, all the bills, and half the food and childcare although he earns more than me. This is because he moved in with me and so he thinks he should only pay what it's costing me for him to live there - and nothing for the children. So he pays what I used to charge my lodger. I think this is totally unreasonable but if I bring it up we just argue. As the relationship is OK otherwise I put up with it. But it f**ks me off tbh.

Noideaatall Sat 02-Mar-13 23:59:26

ps I could actually cry looking at how generous some other DPs are.

Bluelightsandsirens Sun 03-Mar-13 00:11:54

No it doesn't need to be an argument he isn't a lodger he is a father and in a serious relationship, no?

I've no issue with the my account, his account, joint account. I also have ,y own account and transfer my wages on pay day into the joint account which we all live out of but all monies are pooled and spent togeather.

My DH nor I are generous but we are working togeather for our relationship and DC.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 03-Mar-13 00:25:08

Noideaatall shock
You say the relationship is OK otherwise - how can it be? He wants to pay towards the household as if he is a lodger - but he isn't a lodger, he is a family member. Or is he? TBH, if he wants to play sillybuggers, there would be as much logic in him contributing how much it would cost him to live elsewhere as there is with this current arrangement. And frankly, I would be putting it to him that if he is not going to contribute fully to the household finances, then he can fuck off set up his own household and pay for that instead.

To take the stance that he has, he just cannot respect you, or care for your welfare, or the welfare of your children. Your relationship, believe me, is not OK. If there is no respect, there is no anything. Sorry sad.

nightowlmostly Sun 03-Mar-13 00:29:05

We have all our salaries paid into one joint account and everything is paid out of that. We just don't take the piss and spend too much money, and it works for us. My DH has just gone part time and I'm full time as we had a baby, I wouldn't dream of thinking ou money is mine because I earn most of it, it's family money and belongs to both of us equally.

OP yanbu, stand your ground and don't let him get away with impoverishing you because you had HIS baby.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 03-Mar-13 02:35:20

Noideaatall it's not generosity. It's fairness, equality and love. If he wants to pay what a lodger pays, he can have the love, respect, sex-life, hugs, affection, care and inclusion that a lodger would have. i.e. none.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 03-Mar-13 08:01:21

Noideaatall, so they are not his children and he is making the point that he intends to keep the relationship that way? He will be your boyfriend (not partner, don't kid yourself) but not a dad to them. Sounds like he'd rather be an extra child himself. That's shocking.

Plumandpears Sun 03-Mar-13 08:21:58

There is nothing wrong with keeping finances separate once married, but this doesn't have to be the only way forward. I have lots of friends who get daily phone calls from their DH asking why they spent so much in Tesco's, or have to 'ask' before making a big purchase for themselves. So for that reason I am very supportive of keeping things separate to some extent.

However, your financial arrangements need to be FAIR. At the moment it sounds like they are not fair. The whole family should take a hit for the lost earnings, not one person.

You need to sit down and discuss everything for scratch, salaries, bills and what you will prioritise like holidays or a new car. Also discuss different ways you could work. Maybe you should look at all your outgoings and then pay in proportional contributions based on your salaries. In this situation you will pay in a lot less because you work part time. You may also want to set up a separate account which you both pay an agreed amount into for your children so that you don't struggle to buy clothes, toys or days out.

This isn't a personal dig, but I am surprised at how many couples do not discuss these things in advance.

SizzleSazz Sun 03-Mar-13 08:42:08

We have a joint account (for mortgage/food/bill/dc) which used to be 50/50 and has moved around since dc's depending on me working pt/contracting/sahm.

We still have separate accounts too as dh likes to spend all the 'free cash' available and I like to squirrel. We pay for our own cars/fuel/clothes/nights out etc from our own accounts

I have just realised he is paying 100% of monies into the joint account and me none. Oops. I have just gone back to work after a sahm period and haven't reinstated a dd to the joint account. When I do it will be proportional.

Hope those of you in unequal situations get something sorted soon smile

lottiegarbanzo Sun 03-Mar-13 09:19:46

Noideaatall, coming back as I found myself thinking but... I've read many more shocking and upsetting things on here bit your set up may be the most blatantly absurd.

Thing is, a lodger does contribute to bills, proportionately, as they occupy only one room. (Does you BF divide cleaning the same way - I'll Hoover my room, you do the rest of the house?). They shop and cook for themselves and stay out of the way. Is that what he wants?

You hold all the cards here, the nice, comfortable house, so there's no need for him to agree to a discussion, you can just tell him you are revising your terms, he may stay if he pays his share, otherwise he should find his own place.

Assuming you don't want to move, to buy together and pay equally (I'd want to get his attitude sorted out first.)

At the moment he is telling you he expects you to pay for the privilege of having him as your BF. The unpleasant question is, would you be such an attractive GF to him if you were not subsidising him?

FierceBadIggi Sun 03-Mar-13 09:32:09

DinkyStinky that'sa just not fair. Though maybe you should get together with my dh? I'm on ML, we do the paying equal % of income into joint account and then having equal spending money. While on ML, I've been able to use my SMP for the spending money, and all the joint money comes from him. Have now reached the point where I get no SMP - does dh think therefore an adjustment needs to be made so I have some cash? No he does not. I will get it, just seriously pissed off that he is being so thoughtless. He doesn't 'get' that the money he pays into joint account actually pays for his life, I think! Not really a grown-up.

StormyBrid Sun 03-Mar-13 09:57:24

I don't think you're being unreasonable about the outcome you're expecting, but I can see why your husband wasn't that enthusiastic. You've basically asked him to top up your wages so you can afford to work part time - it does seem a bit weird when it's phrased like that. Another conversation, phrased rather differently, would perhaps get a better result. Seconding the many suggestions to work out what percentage of the family income you each earn and then apply that percentage to divvying up the outgoings.

The nursery fees are a bit more of an issue to my mind though. That's not just a miscommunication problem, it's outright unfair - by reducing your hours he's paying less for childcare, so in effect you lose money in order for him to gain it. That definitely needs pointing out to him, repeatedly, until he recognises it as a problem.

JackieTheFart Sun 03-Mar-13 10:04:42

YANBU. I don't understand how people can allow their other half to suffer because they're so selfish with money!

DH is out of work, so my salary, jobseekers and TC are our money in. As soon we knew DH was being redundant, I had my salary changed to be paid into our joint account and all the benefits as well. Why should I control the purse strings because I'm the main earner? I'm not the one who has to (eg) do the shopping every day and keep things ticking over!

teacher123 Sun 03-Mar-13 10:08:36

DH and I cover things proportionally to our wages. He pays all rent and car loan plus his personal bills, mobile phone, gym, car insurance out of his wages. He then takes an amount to spend on himself, which covers lunches at work, drinks, hobbies etc. this varies depending on how much we have left. Any other money goes into savings. Then I pay all household bills, council tax, water, gas etc and a personal loan that is in my name, phone bill and car insurance. I am currently on mat leave and the SMP has run out. So he's putting all left over money into the joint account and I'm distributing it as necessary. We are properly skint until I go back to work in April. But we're BOTH skint. Nothing new for either of us until I go back to work.

quoteunquote Sun 03-Mar-13 11:59:10

Over the last twenty years, sometimes I have earned considerably more than my husband, sometimes he has earned more,

We have always just chucked it into a communal pot, from which everything is paid, we share everything, because we are a team, it would never work other wise, it can't, or you then start to argue who is responsible for what.

Trills Sun 03-Mar-13 12:01:42

If you are a team you should have equal money to spend on yourselves.

One joint account, you both agree how much it needs, pays for all household and child-related expenses (inc food etc). You both have access to this.

A savings account - you both agree how much it needs - neither of you touches this without consulting with the other.

Two individual accounts - remaining money is split equally between them, you only have access to your own and can do as you please with it.

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