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to be upset with dh or am I over reacting?

(95 Posts)
RattyRoland Wed 27-Feb-13 22:58:06

I'm going to return to work part time. At the moment all bills are split roughly 50:50 dh and I (I'm currently full time).

Dh earns more than me. I suggested to dh that we could continue paying our bills etc 50:50 but that as I'll be part time he and I would share my loss of earnings equally, I.e if I'm earning £500pcm less than before, he pays me £250 and so we're both £250 less well off.

Dh was up in arms at this suggestion and said he had assumed we'd carry on paying half the bills each, as well as the part-time nursery fees, leaving me with a lot less income and him a lot more. Aibu? I feel he's been really unfair about this, he can easily afford to make up half my loss of earnings, I'm not money grabbing and we both want me to look after ds on my days off, its just I don't see that I should have next to no money and him keep all his earnings...

hmc Wed 27-Feb-13 22:59:52

Totally unfair of him, selfish git. What's his is yours and vice versa - you're married not housemates

IHeartKingThistle Wed 27-Feb-13 22:59:58

He's being a twat. What does he spend his money on?

Possiblyoutedled Wed 27-Feb-13 23:00:14

He's having a giraffe I think op

Fairylea Wed 27-Feb-13 23:00:36

No he is wrong.

All money goes in and all bills come out. What spending money is left is split equally. You should have the same spending money.

LittleRedBonferroni Wed 27-Feb-13 23:01:34

I don't rally understand the way you organize your money together. It should be a pot - you pay all your bills and then you divide what's left between you. I also work PT and don't earn anything like enough to pay half the bills.

I wonder how you reached the decision to go PT - hwo did you discuss that with your dh?

Backtobedlam Wed 27-Feb-13 23:02:04

YANBU-if you were working FT he'd have to shell out for more childcare. He sounds very selfish, you're a family now and I think any income after bills should be shared equally.

maddening Wed 27-Feb-13 23:02:29

Yanbu - I think this is going to take a lot of working out you need a complete revamp of the FAMILY finances and of dh's attitude.

LindyHemming Wed 27-Feb-13 23:02:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RattyRoland Wed 27-Feb-13 23:03:01

He spends his money on clothes and stuff for himself mostly, I buy all dc toys, clothes etc.I've never asked him for money before, now I know why!

Bowlersarm Wed 27-Feb-13 23:04:37

He is wrong and being very selfish and tight. If my DH had that attitude we'd be teetering on the brink.

You need to get this sorted and agreed before it becomes a huge problem between you.

BellaVita Wed 27-Feb-13 23:04:59

Err he is taking the piss OP.

Put all your money into the pot, pay bills, buy clothes for DC etc, take same amount of spends each.

LindyHemming Wed 27-Feb-13 23:05:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

apostropheuse Wed 27-Feb-13 23:05:52

YANBU and he's being ridiculous and selfish.

Presumably you will be reducing your hours to look after a child that is HIS child too!

I would say, though, that it shouldn't he his and your money. If you are a family your combined income should pay the bills and what is left used for all of your benefit. That's how families should work.

KobayashiMaru Wed 27-Feb-13 23:06:01

and you are married to him why?

Whathaveiforgottentoday Wed 27-Feb-13 23:06:29

Yanbu. I have worked pt and ft over the last few years. We've got an arrangement by which we totalled all bills including petrol. Then we totalled both wages and worked out proportion that dh and I earn. We each pay that proportion of the bills.
Currently I earn 45% of the wages so pay 45% of the bills. When our wages change it changes the proportion.
The money left over in each of our accounts is our own to do with as we wish.
It does mean my dh gets slightly more money, but when we first started it, I was earning more so can't complain now!

RattyRoland Wed 27-Feb-13 23:06:49

Euph that's a good point, I've never asked for more money despite him earning more as I like to pay my fair share, it seems he doesn't though, git!

CloudsAndTrees Wed 27-Feb-13 23:06:55

He is BU. But more background is needed to decide exactly how unreasonable he's being.

If you are going part time purely because you want to, then I can maybe see his point. If there are other reasons for you going part time, like problems with your ds or with nursery or whatever, then not so much.

You shouldn't have to buy all the stuff that your ds needs out of your money either way. Your shared child is a shared expense.

Snazzynewyear Wed 27-Feb-13 23:07:06

Not fair. Me and DH have always paid into the joint account proportionally according to what our salary is. And incidentally, we did that at his suggestion, and at a time when he earned a lot more than I did. That is having a sense of fairness and decency.

Bluelightsandsirens Wed 27-Feb-13 23:07:15

We have a joint account and are both accountable for what the money is spent on - mainly DCs clothes and school stuff.

Wold that work better for you in your situation?

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Wed 27-Feb-13 23:07:36


Just - why?

I really don't get this kind of set up AT ALL and fail to see how people get themselves into it.

Either you are a FAMILY or you aren't.

RattyRoland Wed 27-Feb-13 23:09:53

He pays food, about £80 a week, I pay petrol (all for him as I walk to work) £100 a week. Whoops looks like I should have sorted this a while back.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 27-Feb-13 23:10:55


I totally agree, whats wrong with family money that pays bills? I don't understand it either, it must cause such upset that needn't be.
Joint account that pays the bills current account for extras etc.

stealthsquiggle Wed 27-Feb-13 23:11:14

OP - rather than him giving you money directly, a less emotive way might be a joint account that all bills (including childcare) come out of - work out how much needs to go into it each month, and then split that in proportion to your incomes.

(same result, but not him "paying you")

YANBU, though. Not one iota.

RattyRoland Wed 27-Feb-13 23:11:58

Thanks all for reassuring me I'm not bu. I will address it with dh. It was a mutual decision for me to go part time.

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