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to contact DBros exF and ask if shes ok?

(17 Posts)
CrapBag Wed 27-Feb-13 16:11:10

My brother was due to get married, he has realised that he doesn't want to be with his (now ex) F anymore and they have split. Nothing major happened but they are both young and I think he has realised he doesn't want to settle yet, entirely his decision and I admire him with having the guts to go through with it tbh. I admit me and the rest of the family think it is for the best, whilst I don't hate his ex, we did get on but I don't think she was particularly good for him at all (wanted things her way, he had no social life and checked absolutely everything with her and if she wasn't available then he wouldn't go either, stuff like that) but I do feel bad for her. Obviously she was getting married soon and she really did love my DBro. Would I be U to get in touch and see how she is? This happened last week and I only found out yesterday through my sister. I have spoken to my DBro and he is ok but still a bit shocked I think at the way things turned out, it was a very intense relationship.

Should I do it, run it by him first or leave it all together? I'm not sure how she will be with me seeing as I am his family and he has left her. Her mum also lived with them and is a massive influence and factor in her life and she is not happy at all about this. WWYD?

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 27-Feb-13 16:13:28

Leave it alone. You don't think they were right for each other, you don't think they should have got married, you are his family. Let her lick her wounds and move on.

OkayHazel Wed 27-Feb-13 16:14:22

It's your brothers issue, not yours. Stay out.

Bejeena Wed 27-Feb-13 16:15:09

I would personally leave well alone personally. Of course a week after being chucked she is probably not going to be ok, especially if she didn't see this coming. But I think hearing from sister of your ex would probably make it worse, at least it would for me.

Just leave it or she will want to stay in touch and question you on his every move.

Leave it alone.

Keepsmilingsunshine Wed 27-Feb-13 16:16:12

If you were friends (i.e. meet up for drinks, text etc..) I would contact her if not I would stay out of it.

HecateWhoopass Wed 27-Feb-13 16:17:58

Do you think that at this point she's going to want to hear from any of you. What would you say anyway? That didn't rub it in/undermine his decision/lead to her trying to get you to talk to him or alternatively her really slagging him off, or maybe you getting a gobfull of abuse?

I certainly wouldn't go behind his back to contact her. That's not going to end well.

I don't know what to suggest to you. There's part of me that thinks it would be really thoughtful of you to send her a 'thinking of you' message but I also think all of the above! Plus doesn't it just give her the impression you think he's wrong to have made what must have been a really difficult and painful decision?

cees Wed 27-Feb-13 16:22:31

I'd leave it as well.

CrapBag Wed 27-Feb-13 16:24:02

Yeah you are all right, it could open a can of worms I think and like others have said, I don't think his decision was wrong (I would never tell her that) so I couldn't give her support in that way. We did keep in touch by text and when I did want to see them I always went through her as it was easier to get a reply so I feel that we got on and they visited together, when we had DD and when they came to see the kids, but like others have said, does she want to hear from her ex's sister.

I just felt that if I don't, she may think we all never gave a shit as there was a massive family fall out (not my side, DBros family-we are technically half brother and sister- and many of his mums family were not coming to the wedding).

I will go with the consensus though and leave it, although if I did I would run it past my brother first.

quesadilla Wed 27-Feb-13 16:33:16

Agree with the consensus. If you do she will probably see it as a possible door opening to get back with your bro (that's the way the dumped brain works). The less contact she has with him and people he knows the faster she can move on.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 27-Feb-13 17:38:33

It's a shame but I agree best not to initiate contact. If on the other hand she texts you, depending on the message I'd think it would be fair enough to reply with something rather than ignore her.

cjel Wed 27-Feb-13 19:06:43

I would drop her a card. Its horrid when someone dumps you, you feel unloved enough as it is. Just one little card may cheer her up. There was no big fall out so you are not disloyal to db.

Heebiejeebie Wed 27-Feb-13 19:32:58

I think sending her a message would be kind.

CalamityJ Wed 27-Feb-13 20:00:12

My DB is getting divorced (his choice over her behaviour-similar to your DB's ExF) & I've been in touch via text on her birthday/Christmas and via Facebook a couple of times when she's posted big life event news (found a new house). I will eventually cut her out completely as the relationship is over & we weren't 'friends' per se but it is compassionate to check she's OK via text for example as it must be hard for her to just be completely cut off from the people who were going to be her new family. It might open a can of worms & you might want to check with your DB but YANBU to feel for her when she's going through a break up.

ErrorError Wed 27-Feb-13 20:46:37

Sending a message would be kind, in theory. But definitely not right now. If any of my ex's family had contacted me at all to ask how I was only a week after the split, I'd be a gibbering wreck and would certainly not appreciate the intrusion. Maybe at some point later after the dust has settled you could enquire after her general wellbeing (making no reference to the split.) But I would also err on the side of caution here too and agree with the can of worms comments. She could still hold a candle for him or still be heartbroken in months to come. Conversely, she could have totally moved on and would rather not want any messages reminding her of the difficult time. Tough call OP. I realise I have contradicted myself massively in this post, as no-one knows how this girl is going to react, so I'd go with the general consensus too and leave her to grieve the relationship in peace.

CrapBag Tue 05-Mar-13 16:09:07

Just in case anyone was interested, I decided not to contact her, for the time being but she contacted me 9 days after the split saying she wanted to be the one to tell me (which I actually think was odd, I would have rather have heard it from my brother anyway). I told her I had heard but hadn't been in touch as I wasn't sure she would want people to at that time. She is devastated but getting through it with the help of her friends. She said she hopes I still want her in her life which I am not sure how thats going to work. I have a feeling her mum is going to get difficult, she wants to take my brother to court for the money that was already paid out for the wedding and she doesn't seem the type to let things go. I'm not sure how my brother would feel about it either and I tried so many times to do things socially with them but she would be up for it then make excuses so I always got the impression she wasn't that bothered about me, but maybe thats just the way she came across. Needless to say, many many people in the family all though similar things about her so I don't think we can all be wrong about the same thing. I won't cut her out, I'll just see how it goes.

Thank you for the advice. smile

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 05-Mar-13 16:19:51

Thanks for updating. If your DB wants to cut ties and leave this completely, I would suggest he pays for the lost wedding deposits. It is the right thing to do IMO.

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