Advanced search make my husband do this?

(39 Posts)
scarlettletter Tue 26-Feb-13 18:04:05

I am a regular and have named changed so as to not out myself, but have a major life changing decision to make for me and my family and just don't know which way to go. Sorry but this is a long one...

I moved away from home after university to the city I live in now, for a great job but never intended to stay for long. It has nice parts, but it also has lots of deprived areas and is known as a bit of a hole in general (don't want to say which city as I don't want to offend anyone).

My sister lives about an hour away and I just thought why not? I met my husband in the first year (he's from the same country as me), we fell in love and five years later got married. Life was good. Great jobs, really nice house. We were so happy. We fell pregnant quickly at this point we jointly decided that we were ready to move home to bring up our kids near our families, we both had great childhoods, know the schools, still have loads of friends there, etc, etc.

We were getting ready to move and all was good, until our daughter was stillborn and our world fell apart. I had a bit of a breakdown and gave up my job and pretty much lost a year of my life. I became totally focused/obsessed with having living kids and for the last three years we have had two beautiful and much cherished little girls. They are my world. Although it has been in the back of my mind, moving slipped into the background. Although I will never fully get over losing our daughter, the girls and time has been a great healer for us both and we have been kept busy with the craziness of having two under two. While previously being majorly career focused I was content to give it all up to be with them.

Now that our head is above water, we are still keen to move home but have really missed the boat as the arse has fallen out of the economy completely and there are no jobs. NONE. My husband has tried, really tried to find something but at the moment there is nothing. Nada, zip.

My husband wants to move home as his an only child and his parents are in their mid 70's and every time we visit are noticeably ageing. I know this really hurts him, he is really close to them and he feels that although they would never say really need him now. The kids adore them and vice versa and I would love for them to spend more time with them. Moving home would be wonderful, but we have tried and it is just not happening, and we cannot afford to move without a job for at least one of us.

I REALLY want to move too, I don't have many friends here, the city kinda gets me down (suffered with PND after dd3) and it is now ten years, since I moved here - TEN years in this shithole, here I never really wanted to be in the first place.

My husbands company has an office in the city that my sister lives in which is about an hour away. They city is cool, lively, inspiring and fun. I would love to live there. We have the option to move into a much smaller flat in a great area, with great schools right in the city. I have put this to my husband but he sees it as a step back. We currently live in a lovely house with a garden and we would be moving to a flat with nightmare parking and all the interesting challenges that come with living in a big city. I see the downsides but am willing to put up with them so we can get out of here. He is making all the excuses in the world but I know the real reason that he doesn't want to move anywhere but home.

Sorry this is so long, it has really helped me organise my thoughts and write it down. If you have got this far thank you.

He doesn't seem to get that I am miserable and I really need to get out of here.. Am I being unreasonable to make him move and uproot the family? I am getting so frustrated we have been through so much as a couple that could tear a family apart and this is affecting our relationship so much that we had flight a few nights ago (after a few to many glasses of wine and I told him I was prepared to go without him). sad

MichelleRooJnr Tue 26-Feb-13 18:11:38

Could you move closer to your families and commute to the nearest city/ town which has jobs?

scarlettletter Tue 26-Feb-13 18:15:49

The whole country is screwed. No jobs anywhere

soaccidentprone Tue 26-Feb-13 18:20:29

does your sister live nearer to or further away from your dh's parents?

scarlettletter Tue 26-Feb-13 18:24:28

My sister lives an hour away from where we live at the moment. We are both Irish and would like to go home to Ireland to be near our parents. We don't care where really, either Dublin or Belfast.

scarlettletter Tue 26-Feb-13 18:26:56

We currently live in Scotland.

SilverClementine Tue 26-Feb-13 18:29:06

I'm going to hazard a guess that you're in Liverpool and your sister in Manchester?

Sorry, that's irrelevant really.

It sounds like you're ready for a change, and why wouldn't you be, you've been thru a hell of a lot!

It needs to be a good move for the whole family, not just you, and I can see why your DH would want to be near his parents. To be honest, its just something you're going to have to calmly talk thru together.

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 26-Feb-13 18:30:15

I agree with your husband.

I can understand that you are miserable, and so is he. Moving towards your sister will temporarily ease that sadness, but you'll still not be where you want to be. And you'll have to move again quickly, because pressure (and guilt, if that's what he's feeling) will only grow as your DH's parents age.

I can see that it's a temporary move to make you happier, but in all likelihood it'll just delay the bigger move. There are still a lot of costs involved with moving.

I know how soul destroying it is to be somewhere that you absolutely hate, but if the primary goal is getting back to Ireland ASAP, moving an hour away will just prolong and delay.

ecclesvet Tue 26-Feb-13 18:32:19

I think you would be unreasonable to unilaterally demand that a four-person family move into a small flat. The grass is always greener. Discuss it, and find something that works - can you move closer to this new city but in commuting range, so you can still have a decent sized house?

KobayashiMaru Tue 26-Feb-13 18:34:46

Ah its not that bad. There are jobs around, they are just harder to get. Its a great time to rent as the market is cheap, even better time if you have cash to buy, there are cheap houses all over now.
What does your DH do?

PlentyOfPubeGardens Tue 26-Feb-13 18:36:09

Thing is, moving is a very expensive business, whether it's a 'step up' or a 'step down' so if the ultimate aim is to move back to Ireland to be near ageing parents, it doesn't make a lot of sense to do another move in the meantime.

I'm sorry to hear what a rotten time you've had.

Also, I can sympathise with you living somewhere you hate, I've spent years living in a place I hated in the past. I made it tolerable by joining a few local community groups - helped me feel more settled and make more friends. I was still out like a shot when the chance arose.

Hope something turns up for you soon.

soaccidentprone Tue 26-Feb-13 18:36:38

I think you have already answered your own question really.

you need to move cities for your own sanity, ideally you would like to move to be nearer both sets of parents, however as the economy is so poor ATM this isn't realistic.

now all you have to do is sit down with your dh and do a pros and cons list between staying and moving to nearer your dsis.

good luckgrin

julz09 Tue 26-Feb-13 18:41:02

I agree with everything caja said i think you have to stay put for the opportunity to do the 1 main move that will take you both back to Ireland. I know how you feel about being somewhere you hate im in the same position and in Scotland sad Are we neighbours? grin I hate the place we stay and it is soul distroying and mentally draining but you just need to support each other through this and keep eyes and ears open for any jobs to make the move home possible.

AmberLeaf Tue 26-Feb-13 18:41:22

I think YABa tad U

Your idea will sort of solve your problem, but is no way nearer to solving your husbands which is I think 1 wanting to go 'home' and 2 wanting to be nearer his aging parents?

Its a good point that your husband could transfer to that city, but I can see his point about housing.

sarahtigh Tue 26-Feb-13 18:45:49

my guess is your siter lives in edinburgh and you are maybe in Dundee your Dh wants to go to Ireland, though edinburgh is very nice it is the most expensive place to live in Scotland could you compromise and move to a village half way between the two so 30 mmins to DH office and only 30 mins from EDI but if you really want to go to ireland that is hard if no jobs

fairimum Tue 26-Feb-13 18:48:34

could you rent out your house and rent in the city??

squiddle Tue 26-Feb-13 18:51:25

I would move. Life is too short to be somewhere you hate. Living in a flat is easier when your kids are older.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 26-Feb-13 18:52:01

What is your husband's solution? The options are:

1) Stay where you are with nice house but you both homesick (esp DH) and depressed.

2) Move near your sister, have smaller cramped flat. Be happier about some aspects eg company and social life, but probably sad (in time) about lack of space. Your problem is half solved, your husband's isn't at all.

3) Move home without a job. Your husband's immediate problem solved but poverty will soon make you both miserable.

Sorry that's probably not particularly helpful but I just wanted to lay it out. Is there any possiblity of making a plan to move home but change careers/start a business in the meantime? In areas where things are hard a lot of people are self-employed <speaks from bitter experience>

scarlettletter Tue 26-Feb-13 18:56:07

My question is how long should I wait for this to happen?

We have to idea how long this will take. I am terrified that I am going to find myself another ten years down the line, with the inevitable unknowns that is life and still in the same fecking place resenting my husband for the time lost, stuck here cause I don't want to be selfish and move when the kids are settled in their schools/ have best friends etc.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 26-Feb-13 19:04:10

TBH I think the only thing you have to lose by moving is space. It doesn't have to be forever and you sound like you might be getting depressed by your location at the moment. On the other hand, you might just be depressed (sorry) and this may not change with a change of place. You know that awful thing about "wherever you go, there you are" - just worth asking yourself the question.

ecclesvet Tue 26-Feb-13 19:14:04

"My question is how long should I wait for this to happen?"

Another 15-20 years if needs be. Part of the deal when having children is that you can no longer make as bold or risky moves, like changing cities or moving without a job. There must be an adequate income. There must be adequate living space. There must be stronger reasons to move than to stay. Can you really fulfill these conditions with any plan you've come up with so far?

maddening Tue 26-Feb-13 19:29:18

What about other areas of ireland?

Are you both applying for jobs in ireland?

scarlettletter Tue 26-Feb-13 19:42:19

Ideally Dublin or Belfast (one set of parents in Dublin the other in Belfast), but we would be open to anywhere. We are both applying, but as I have been out of work for a few years my salary potential has taken a big hit and my husbands job would be the majority share.

See I don't see the move to Edinburgh as a massive down step. Granted the house/flat would be a bit smaller but we would still have the same number of bedrooms and our standard of life would be better. I would also be more likely to get a job there too.

Elephant your post struck a wee cord there for me, and I have thought about this a lot. I definitely was depressed and it is in my nature is to run away. Where as my husbands is to hunker down and ride it out. I guess we just both deal with things differently but I just hope that it doesn't tear us apart.

The thought of living here for 15-20 years gives me cold sweats...

Broodzilla Tue 26-Feb-13 20:09:58

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through and that you're so unhappy ATM.

I have been in a similar situation... Living somewhere I had only intended to be for 3 years, feeling trapped in a house with negative equity, in an area where I didn't want my children to grow up in (and desperately wanting another child, but DH saying no more under those circumstances).

We put the house on the market, had viewings, only offers we couldn't even consider. Work situation was dire (for me, DH had a good job). I felt like the walls were caving in on me, the house, life...

We had a constant run of bad luck and bad health (DS) that was badly managed (NHS cock-ups, one after the other, starting with the birth that gave me PTSD...)

After 9 months, the house sold. then the sale fell through. I cried buckets, sure we'd be trapped for 15 years. After a year (51 weeks...) on the market, the house sold again. We did what someone above said you just don't: packed up the house, DH quit his job, and we moved.

We had no house or jobs to go to, as it was all so last minute and right before xmas - we moved in with my DM and her H.

The job hunt was so much easier once we were where we were applying, IYSWIM.

Two months later, we moved out, into a rented house and I started work. DH found a job soon after. Then I got pregnant. Now, 2 years after the original move, it feels like a lifetime.

And in a way, it is...

Now we live where we always dreamt of, with 2(!) DC, and we both are working and happy.

Lots of people thought we were crazy , but I don't think they quite realized just how miserable we were... And now, we're not just happy, we're grateful and will never take what we have and where we are, for granted... We worked hard to get here smile

I know it sounds like I'm peddling cosmic ordering or something... I'm not. (Am I?) just trying to say that sometimes the not-done is the right solution.

Broodzilla Tue 26-Feb-13 20:15:47

Have to say: we were lucky that it was xmas time and us living with DM kind of blended in with the general holiday-crazyness... And of course, lucky that they took us in for a non-specific time. But don't underestimate the importance of being in the area, and available for interviews!

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