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Re OH going out

(65 Posts)
AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:11:18

My OH drunkenly kissed a girl from his work over a year ago now. I decided to forgive him and our relationship has been mostly very good since. She no longer works there, and I've had no cause for concern about him cheating since.
Anyway, because of this, I do not want him going on any sort of works night out. This includes drinks with colleagues, socialising with colleagues and clients and general work dos. I said that to him at the time, so he's always known this. I have no problem with him going out with friends etc, in fact he's just got back from a lads holiday.
Anyway, he just sprung a colleague/client night out on me. It's tomorrow, he's already paid and is claiming he told me about it ages ago. I don't think he did as I'd have told him straight off that I didn't want him to go. I've told him I don't want him going, and that I'm not budging on that one. Basically, if he goes I'll assume he has a complete lack of respect for me, and it's not something i'd be happy to just ignore.
AIBU to think like this?

maddening Tue 26-Feb-13 14:28:18

What about saying he can go but he must not drink - I take it he wouldn't have snogged office girl if he hadn't been drunk?

I would have been more worried about a "lads" holiday than works evenings. Personally would think being sober at work events would be better for him apl round.

In the long run you do need to learn to trust him - counselling would be a good start as this snog will likely hang like a cloud over your relationship if you don't sort it out.

What else has he done to reassure you that this snog was a one off event?

wannabedomesticgoddess Tue 26-Feb-13 14:28:45

No man only cheats with work colleagues or only cheats with strangers.

If hes going to cheat he will cheat. If you cant trust him then banning certain nights out isnt going to change that.

catlady1 Tue 26-Feb-13 14:30:59

I don't understand how you can trust him on a lads' holiday but not a drink with work colleagues. Does he just have a fetish for women he works with or something? I understand your insecurities, I honestly do, but much worse things go on on your average "lads' holiday" than on a Friday night drink after work.

Still18atheart Tue 26-Feb-13 14:31:17

So you'd rather him go on a lads holiday, than for him to go on a night out with collegues. Now if this was me I'd be the opposite

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 14:31:30

I think you probably need to discuss this a lot more.

I completely understand why you feel the way you do but it's not going to work. If you are so sure that the workplace setting is the problem, I'd be more inclined to ask him to change jobs rather than forbid him to go on any work-related events. TBH, I'd have thought that the biggest risk for him behaving badly would be the lads' nights out, which don't seem to bother you. confused

The main problem as I see it is that you haven't dealt effectively with the breach of trust from last Christmas. Why is that do you think? Is the lying to you indicative of things in your relationship generally? If so, I can see why you haven't been able to rebuild that trust. Trust is based on much more than fidelity and not going on works nights out. Are you an insecure person generally? Have you been able to fully express your anger and humiliation at his betrayal? It comes across in your post (quite understandably), so I'd hazard a guess that you haven't moved past it yet. What could you or he do to help that?

Perhaps relationship counselling would be a good way forward for you.

Bejeena Tue 26-Feb-13 14:31:47

Personally I would say that since he was drunk when he kissed the girl and is sorry about it you can blame the booze (we all do daft things after we've had a few after all!)

What I would do is firstly calm down and take a deep breath.

Then I think the answer here is simple, he goes but he takes the car so he can't drink. Or he just doesn't drink.

That way you are not harnessing his career and he is showing you a bit of respect to your wishes.

That seem like a good compromise?

yaimee Tue 26-Feb-13 14:33:18

Yeah, that's an interesting question, do you intend to end your relationship if he goes against your wishes, or just make his life a misery for a bit?
He shouldn't be trying to trick you, but then he shouldn't feel he needs to either.
Conditionality (I'll for give you, but only if you do x,y,z and don't do a,b,c) doesn't sound like a great way to live!

Dahlen Tue 26-Feb-13 14:34:43

I'm sorry Bejeena, but while I think your compromise for the night out is a good one, I have to completely disagree about blaming the booze.

I've got in some terrible states over the years, but I've never been unfaithful/broken the law/behaved otherwise totally out of character as a result of being drunk. Alcohol does not change personality, it simply lowers the threshold at which a person shows their true colours.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:34:52

I think I probably am punishing him a bit, however he agreed to not going on the work dos when I t. He's by no means on a 'short lead', nor is he controlled. We have kids, and he goes out a hell of a lot more than any other dads I know.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:35:12

When I told him it would make me uncomfortable, that is meant to say.

yuleheart Tue 26-Feb-13 14:37:05


You trust him on a lads holiday but not on a works night out?

I think you need to take a step back and re-read your post, you obviously don't trust him at all, you haven't moved on from the 'incident' and are taking every opportunity to punish him.

squeaver Tue 26-Feb-13 14:41:07

Aah, the classic AIBU...

Everyone says you're BU, except for one poster who you're going to latch onto for dear life.

Sense the tone of the thread, OP, sense the tone....

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:42:21

I'm sorry, who did I latch on to?

AnaisB Tue 26-Feb-13 14:43:08

Yabu, either you trust him or you should end the relationship.

Sugarice Tue 26-Feb-13 14:43:41

Did he confess the drunken snog or did word get back to you from another source before he admitted it?

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Tue 26-Feb-13 14:44:20

If it isn't about trust and it isn't about punishment is it about you thinking that you will look like a twat in the eyes of your ex colleagues for letting him off the leash after what he did? If so I think you should start prioritising yourself and your relationship over the possible idle musings of others. Sorry if I'm way off but it must be about something.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:44:24

Also, he doesn't drive so taking the car would not be an option. He's literally just back from his holiday yesterday, is going out tonight and works thing is tomorrow. I've had no break from the kids and have barely seen him. I suppose that is having a big impact on how I'm reacting.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:45:00

And no, he didn't tell me about it. The other girl did.

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:45:23

And had she not told me, one of my colleagues was going to the next day.

squeaver Tue 26-Feb-13 14:45:57


AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:46:15

Ithinkofhappy, I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

TantrumsAndBalloons Tue 26-Feb-13 14:47:26

But for how long is it forbidden? Forever?

Its not really practical is it?

AmyCooper Tue 26-Feb-13 14:47:51

I hardly latched on to what she said, I agreed with her point. I didn't then go on to say that I was of course being reasonable and I would be ignoring everyone else's opinions.

MrsMorton Tue 26-Feb-13 14:49:29

You sound like my H, a lifetime of punishment for something I'm not sure I even did (now I know he's a gas lighter). I'm not saying he didn't do it but you need to either "LTB" or get on with your lives.

I hate my life, I'm like a caged bird, not allowed to even see my parents... what is the logical conclusion to this?

Sugarice Tue 26-Feb-13 14:50:54

What are you going to do if he insists on going?

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