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To just expect a bit of loyalty from friends?

(73 Posts)
TassimoQueen Tue 26-Feb-13 12:59:52

I feel I'm a good friend to my friends, and I'm very loyal. I respect decisions friends make or their opinions even though I may not necessarily agree. It'd be nice if friends could do the same for me but they clearly can't.

I have a group of 7 girl friends, and we have regular nights out and meet ups. One woman from this group, to whom I've never been particularly close, has made it plainly obvious in the past few months that she does not like me. She never replies to any contact I try to make with her, gives me the cold shoulder when we go out as a group, ignores any comments I make on her Facebook statuses and photos, and more recently when a family member of mine died she didn't make any contact to offer any support or say she was sorry to hear the news. So I decided after this not to intiate any further contact with her, and to be polite on nights out, but to class her as an aquaintance rather than a friend.

She is due to have a caesarean on Friday with her third child, and this morning another woman from this group of friends, who I do consider a good friend, has phoned me and basically had a go at me as I've not contacted this woman to wish her luck with her section. I said to my friend of course I wish this woman all the best but that she has made it clear we're not friends as such so I was just leaving things be and not making any contact. My friend is now really cross with me and says I'm bearing a grudge, when I'm not, I just don't have time chasing people who don't appreciate me and can't be bothered with me. I have all the time in the world for those that I consider a good friend and who treat me as I treat them, but haven't the time or inclination to try to please everyone.

AIBU to expect a bit of loyalty and respect from my friend?

BodieBolts Tue 26-Feb-13 13:29:53

MN is full of threads about women complaining about how they've been treated by their female friends.

Because it's a forum generally used by women.

Anyway I should stop posting because it;s detracting from the actual OP.

TroublesomeEx Tue 26-Feb-13 13:32:14

So you're interpretting a comment I made within the context of someone you encountered in another country when you were 21.

I think that's where the generalisation lies not in my comment!

What everlong said has summed it up well.

TroublesomeEx Tue 26-Feb-13 13:33:15

But yes, don't want to detract from OP. smile

Acandlelitshadow Tue 26-Feb-13 13:33:47

FFS are the pair of them ten?

Time for a downsize to a group of five I think.

Hullygully Tue 26-Feb-13 13:35:04

You should say, "Oh, did she mind? How awful! I have been very hurt that she has been so cold to me lately and didn't get in touch when X happened, so I was trying to respect her wish for distance and no contact from me."

BodieBolts Tue 26-Feb-13 13:35:12

Nope just using that as an example smile as it wasn't too long ago that happened.

ballstoit Tue 26-Feb-13 13:35:15

Sounds like the pg friend is unimpressed that you havent responded to her rude behaviour. I'd be tempted to say to the 'go between' frienf that you will make an effort and see how it goes.
Then write a 'good luck' message on her fb wall.

Wont cost you anything, and puts the ball firmly back in princesses court.

AnaisB Tue 26-Feb-13 13:36:52

It's a shame so many women seem to be down on other women. Maybe such people are over-represented on mumsnet.

OP you're not unreasonable to have reduced contact with this woman, but I would probably avoid discussing it with others in the group.

TroublesomeEx Tue 26-Feb-13 13:36:56

as it wasn't too long ago that happened Fair enough! 21 is a looooooong time ago for me. sad <wistful>

Maybe I've just had many more years than you to become jaded and cynical grin

TheSecondComing Tue 26-Feb-13 13:37:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goldenbear Tue 26-Feb-13 13:38:46

Sounds like it is just women being typical women- childish, bitchy, blah, blah, blah- try hanging out with just men.

perceptionreality Tue 26-Feb-13 13:40:46

yanbu - why should you chase her when she's made it clear you are not friends?

TassimoQueen Tue 26-Feb-13 13:41:32

SecondComing, whenever I make any contact with her though she doesn't reply. Plus she wasn't bothered about keeping the peace when my relative died....

LRDtheFeministDragon Tue 26-Feb-13 13:42:09

Honestly, would you think it was ok to make a comment like that with any other group in it, golden?

Imagine it.

it is just black people being typical black people - childish, bitchy, blah'

'it's just gay people being typical gay people - childish, bitchy'.

So why is it ok to say that about women?

I'm with TSC. I know some amazing, lovely women and I am very lucky - but I don't spend half my life going on about how women are all horrible so that might possibly have helped.

TroublesomeEx Tue 26-Feb-13 13:43:38

Well considering that those who have excellent friends have described themselves as 'lucky'...

Surely if good female friends were the norm and those of us without that experience are the problem, it would have nothing to do with luck.

minouminou Tue 26-Feb-13 13:44:35

But it sounds like OP has done the right things - made an effort, been rebuffed X number of times, then has backed off and decided to remain civil.

The CS-chum seems a bit attention-seeking, especially if she's told mutual friend about the lack of well-wishes from OP.

Is there anything that you might have fallen out over? Anything you can pinpoint, OP?

LRDtheFeministDragon Tue 26-Feb-13 13:45:01

Good female friends are the norm.

Excellent female friends - that's luck. IMO.

perceptionreality Tue 26-Feb-13 13:45:04

'If the common denominator in all your failed relationships with females is you the erm, maybe you need to look a little closer to home fr the problem.'

The OP hasn't said she falls out with all her female friends - so it's unfair to suggest this must be her fault. I would suggest in a group of 7 women it's impossible for everyone to be close friends.

MannishBoy Tue 26-Feb-13 13:45:58

OP, this is why I avoid "friends" altogether. Some people just can't help picking and choosing when to act like real friends and when not to.

Ignore her and arsey other one.

TroublesomeEx Tue 26-Feb-13 13:46:12

I think that comment was directed at me, perception.

everlong Tue 26-Feb-13 13:46:48

OP how long have you known the friend having the baby? Has she always been off with you? Who is newer to the group?

The fact she didn't contact you when your relative died and that she never comments back to you on Facebook is something that I would take personally if I'm honest. She sounds like she has a beef with you for something.

AnaisB Tue 26-Feb-13 13:47:38

Golden I don't know how to read the last bit of your post. Do you mean:

Try hanging out with just men - you'll see there isn't much difference?


Try hanging out with men - this is an actual suggestion to help you avoid difficult friendships?

Really hope it's the first.....

Goldenbear Tue 26-Feb-13 13:49:41

My response was an attempt to highlight the utter nonsense response of Folkgirl who seems to have written her whole gender off as a waste of space due to their inherent childishness!

LRDtheFeministDragon Tue 26-Feb-13 13:51:37


Clearly I have no sense of humour.

Baroozer Tue 26-Feb-13 13:52:12

YANBU Why should you already have wished her good luck? She isn't having the Caesarean until Friday so it's a bit presumptuous of your friend to be telling you off now.

If you feel you should wish her luck to keep the peace, don't text her. Write it on her FB wall so that everyone can see. That way she can't 'lose' your text and claim it was never sent.

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