To invite just my mother out for lunch on Mothers' Day?

[OhWesternWind]

I've arranged to take my mum out to lunch on Mother's Day, and my two children will be coming as well as they want to be with me on Mothers' Day. This is the first time I'll have done this as we used to live away and didn't tend to see my mum on Mothers' Day as she used to spend it with my late grandma.

Now my mum has asked if her partner can come along too and is cross with me for not inviting him in the first place. I don't really want him to come because

a) I really can't afford to pay for him and he always, always orders the most expensive things on the menu if he's not paying, which he rarely is. However, my mum has said she will pay for him so he can come;

b) I wanted to do something with just our family, and he has made it clear that he doesn't see himself as part of the family, doesn't want the children to call him grandpa etc etc (he decided this after about six years of them calling him that, so it's kind of stuck, but that's the sort of man he is), doesn't come to their birthday parties, doesn't do cards or presents etc (although we do for him);

c) he is grumpy and antisocial and won't talk to us. My mum brought him along on my birthday meal and he didn't say two words, let alone happy birthday. He was in my house yesterday and didn't even say hello.

I will probably end up having him along just to make life easier and avoid an argument with my mum, but I feel the niceness has gone from this occasion and I don't really want to do it now. AIBU to just want a meal with my mother on Mothers' Day?

[meddie]

No

[HopAndSplash]

Maybe say to your mum "Oh, we can do a meal a different day then if you want DP to come too, I want to do something for mothers day with just the girls in the family so you're welcome to come along with me and DD's if you want still as well as the other meal"

[ladymariner]

YANBU. Explain to your mum you want it to be a day for just you and her. No way should you have to put up with him coming along and spoiling it

[Eskino]

YANBU. It's Mother's Day. Not 'Mothers plus their miserable partners' day.

[crashdoll]

YANBU, stand your ground on this one!

[diddl]

If she's cross because you didn´t initially invite him I'd be tempted not to bother & have a lovely day with your children tbh.

[CressidaFitass]

Well, you either put up with the rude, selfish, ill-mannered old git to humour your mother or you don't.

If you don't it might affect your relationship with you mother. How important is that to you?

He obviously doesn't want to share you with her.

I would at least put the facts on the table for discussion, without too much emotion, and try to get a happier outcome for you and yours rather than putting up with his behaviour.

[CressidaFitass]

Should be share her with you

[Bogeyface]

He doesnt want to come, he just doesnt want her to go. He will have laid it on thick about not being invited in the hope that she doesnt go, and she is trying to keep him happy whilst also seeing you.

I would invite him and totally ignore him, make a huge fuss of your mum and pretend that everything is super. That way your mum gets to see you, which she obviously wants to or she would have refused the invitation, and he has to spend a lunch out with you when he doesnt want to.

[OhWesternWind]

My mum is pretty mad with me about this one, says I've put her in a very awkward position by not asking her partner. I could see that if it was just a general going out meal, maybe, but this is Mothers' Day. The clue is in the name. I also wanted to do something special as a big thank you for my mum (not her partner) as she has helped me out a lot over the last year with looking after the children after school.

The problem is, my mum will sulk unless I invite him, and she can keep it up for weeks. I usually end up giving in just to keep the peace but I do get fed up with it. It's very childish behaviour, but very hard to deal with.

[OhWesternWind]

He does want to come, he'll get a free meal out of it, which is worth putting up with us for.

[OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly]

Can you ring him/speak to him in front of your mother and say "That's great that you want to treat Mum for Mother's day, I'll cover myself and the DD's bill, see you at X restaurant at 1pm" - pick a nice expensive one!

[Bogeyface]

Well in that case I would say that you are doing it as girls only and if she wants to come then it is at X place, but otherwise you will go with your girls alone.

That way SHE has made the decision not to come, not you. She wont see it like that, but atleast you will know. And dont give in! Thats why she does it, because she knows that eventually you will give in. The best way to deal with tantrums is to ignore them.

[MrsKoala]

Will your mum enjoy it more if he is there? If so you could see it as doing something for her, which would make her enjoy her treat Moreno Mothers Day, and as an extra thank you. If your intention is to do something nice for her, then isn't this it?

If she won't enjoy it more and is just doing it because he is bullying her, then maybe stick to your guns, but surely if she is with a twat, who will make her suffer for it then it isn't going to be much of a treat for her is it? He sounds like an arse, but if this is a thank you to her, then it isn't about what you would prefer iykwim.

[MrsKoala]

*er Moreno, not sure wtf that even means! I meant more.

[Zaphiro]

YANBU, I've been in similar situations myself. My DM's ex wasn't so much mean as we had nothing in common and he was a VERY fussy eater, so we could only eat in cheap pubs he liked, and then he'd still complain. Ruined loads of meals that should have been nice.

[Whocansay]

Just do something with your kids. If they both come one or both will now sulk and it will spoil it for your kids.

[CressidaFitass]

Sounds like you need to arrange a spa day instead - just you and mum - don't think Dcs would fit in with that unfortunately but surely he def won't want to come.

[INeedThatForkOff]

I can see where your DM is coming from TBH. Like it or not, he is her DP and presumably she enjoys his company. It'd natural to assume that a family-oriented event like this would include all family members. It'd the fact that you, understandably, don't like him that's the issue, and that's the conversation you need to be having with your DM. It may unfortunately come to a choice between her with him, or not at all, and you may have to suck it up, particularly if you hope to continue benefiting from her childcare.

[OhWesternWind]

Erm, well, half the time (at least) they have fallen out with each other and aren't speaking properly. My mum is often in a mood or a sulk with him too, and they will go for days without talking. It has always seemed like a very difficult relationship to me and I think my mum has stuck with him because she thinks she won't find anyone else, not because she loves him. But that's another thread . . . But, anyway, it can be another reason why it's difficult to be around both of them together. They don't argue in front of me and the children but they will make nasty comments to each other, mutter under their breath, walk out etc. All very uncomfortable to be around.

[Emilythornesbff]

What a pain.
Is your dp going to be there? If he is i think you just have to suck it up.
If not, i would cancel the mday meal (just go with your dc) and all go out on a different day. Then you can all split the bill and you won't feel he's intruding on your event with your dm.
If you want it to be just her you might need to do a spa day next year.

[MechanicalTheatre]

YANBU

I took my mum for afternoon tea last year, just us. We have a bit of a difficult relationship, but it was nice.

[Springdiva]

Perhaps introduce her to online dating

[ENormaSnob]

I would cancel tbh.

[OhWesternWind]

Well, apparently he doesn't want to come now anyway.

I asked my mum if she'd rather do something else but she heaved a big sigh and said no, seeing as I'd organised the meal then that's what we'd do.

Feel a bit sad and fed up. Can't cancel now and if we go ahead it will be sulks and sighs and muttering. Why does it all have to be so difficult?