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to not tell MIL i go in to labour..

(85 Posts)
rodandtheemu Tue 26-Feb-13 11:37:01

Im due in 8 weeks and it's DP first child. MIL is very head strong and has assumed/demanded that she will be also at the hospital too. As she was with her other dgc.

I went to talk to SIL who said she was in and out every 5 mins during labour, going for smokes then actually started banging on window when she was actually giving birth so DH would come out and speak to her. He ignored her and MIL kept knocking.

MIL actually told me the knocking story too but said she was knocking on window as no one came out and told her what sex the baby was. She was quite bemused at this as to why they would be so inconciderate!

I feel i cant trust her to sit in waiting room so dont actually want her at hospital at all!

Also i dont want her grabbing baby when she is born stinking of fags.

I've spoken to DP last night about it and suggested NO one comes to hospital then me and DP can bond with her and then just have every one come to house when i get back some every one can meet her together.

The thing is MIL will be absolutly devostated if she cant come up, we are planning on not telling any body when i go in labour. She will freign the wounded puppy and make the whole birth about her. I dont know wether to tell her no one will be there before hand or just smile and nodd when she brings it up.


FellatioNels0n Tue 26-Feb-13 11:39:44

Stick to your plan. Unless you have to make arrangements to have a younger child looked after there is no reason you need to tell anyone at all until it's all over.

I'm not sure why you need to ask really. You have the answer right there.

EldritchCleavage Tue 26-Feb-13 11:40:23

If your DP tells her what you want, will she respect your wishes? If yes, tell her and manage teh reaction now so the upset is minimised. If not, don't tell her when you go into labour and just deal with the fall-out afterwards.

You really really don't want drama and intrusion while you are giving birth. It will detract from the whole thing, may cause you problems and I can tell you there are a lot of posters here who have not got over this being done to them even years later.

DIYapprentice Tue 26-Feb-13 11:41:08

Give into her now and you will be setting yourself up for years of this sort of behaviour!

I would tell her, but only if you are sure that your DP will stand firm. No point you saying no and him sending her a guilty txt or making a quick phone call because she has put him under pressure for the previous 2 months.

LemonBreeland Tue 26-Feb-13 11:43:19

If you think she will not respect your wishes then just don't tell her when you go into labour. You can always feign being caught up in the moment and not even remembering that people wanted to know.

It is your right to have a private birth. As for poor SIL. Why the hell didn't the mws chuck her out?

FellatioNels0n Tue 26-Feb-13 11:44:13

But why bother even taking the risk that she may not respect your wishes? confused Why put yourself in a situation where you have to say no, or for your DP to turn her away at the door of the labour ward? Just don't tell her until it's over. It's very simple - there is no need for her or anyone to know. Just let them all get a nice surprise phone call afterwards. Telling her in advance that she is not welcome there is just setting yourself up for a row.

YouTheCat Tue 26-Feb-13 11:45:49

You could get it put in your notes that you do not want any visitors (other than your dh)?

That way, if she does find out some how, they'll not let her in.

Or tell her the wrong hospital? wink

MannishBoy Tue 26-Feb-13 11:47:42

Your baby, your body, your way. I agree with don't tell her anything til it's over and have DH under strict silence instructions.

SirBoobAlot Tue 26-Feb-13 11:47:55

I'd tell her now that you're going to work out the birth plan closer to the time, and then when you do go into labour, just don't tell her. Also tell the midwifery team at the hospital that she is NOT to come in, in case she takes it upon herself to turn up.

I'd also tell her that you don't want her touching the baby when she's just been smoking.

KatAndKit Tue 26-Feb-13 11:48:58

Don't most hospitals only allow one birth partner? where I gave birth she would not have even been allowed through the doors of the delivery ward - women were allowed 2 partners if they wanted but those 2 had to be ones you had said you wanted and they had to sign in and get special stickers. So just say and write on your birth plan that it is to be you and DH only. Simple. If she doesn't like it then that is her bad luck. She can come and visit you later on the ward, or the next day if you prefer. It should't be a case of not trusting her to stay in the waiting room. Labour and Delivery usually have a security buzzing in and out system.

NomNomDePlum Tue 26-Feb-13 11:51:08

yep, don't tell anybody. really the last thing you need when you're giving birth is somebody about who needs it to be all about them.

and definitely no to her going near a newborn when still exuding cigarette smoke.

NinjaChipmunk Tue 26-Feb-13 11:51:56

i'd agree with fellatio, if you tell her now it will cause you grief. I would also add something in your notes and speak with the midwife if you are worried.

DeWe Tue 26-Feb-13 11:53:13

Tell her that sadly your hospital will only let one person in and don't have any place for people to wait either.

Anyway, you went into labour too quickly to phone her didn't you?

FryOneFatManic Tue 26-Feb-13 11:53:48

I agree with not telling anyone when you go into labour.

I also recommend that you let the midwives know and have it your birthplan that you don't want anyone other than your DP to be present.

Reason I suggest this is that if she's the sort that wants to be in on the action, then she's likely to be phoning you a lot around your due date to see if things have started. And if she can't raise you on the phone she may assume your labour has begun and make her way to the hospital anyway to try and get in.

rodandtheemu Tue 26-Feb-13 11:54:09

Thanks for the replies. Dp is a love and will go with what a ask. He wont ring or tell any one. I think I'm just going for a yay or ney on the telling her before hand so not to have drama and sulking afterwards. Also what to do about her stinking of fags?? Also I would love to tell her not to smoke before she comes or is that going over board

mameulah Tue 26-Feb-13 11:54:21

Absolutely don't tell her.

And don't feel bad about it, not even for a second.

FryOneFatManic Tue 26-Feb-13 11:55:32

I donm't think you're going overboard in telling her not to smoke beforehand.

rainand Tue 26-Feb-13 11:55:43

Yanbu. Don't tell her, you can always make an excuse afterwards if you really need to, such as phone was not charged or midwife said only partner could come in

rodandtheemu Tue 26-Feb-13 11:58:52

cross posted this bloody internet is so slow today?

digerd Tue 26-Feb-13 11:59:05

Nobody should demand anything from anyone else. That is bullying. MIL should ASK , but has been allowed to get away with her unacceptable behaviour. She is not showing you or her son any respect by being so domineering.

Ignore her emotional blackmail as you know it is all show. Your DP must stand up to her, although I know many sons cannot do that, including my DH.

Your wishes have priority as you are giving birth and they should be respected by MIL.

Bogeyface Tue 26-Feb-13 12:00:12

Dont tell her until afterwards if only because if she has a strop she is likely to "punish" you by not visiting at all (YAY!), so get even more peace and quiet.

As for asking her not to smoke for 20 minutes before seeing your child and washing and changing her clothes is not OTT, it is medical advice.

Draw your lines in the sand NOW, otherwise as others have said, she will walk all over you. This is YOUR birth, YOUR baby, YOUR life.

mameulah Tue 26-Feb-13 12:00:23

Give her a pamphlet about the smoking thing. Stand your ground, especially if your dp is on board. You are definitely NBU!!!

YouTheCat Tue 26-Feb-13 12:00:31

Isn't there some thing about not smoking for a certain amount of time before holding a baby and also washing hands?

If you can find anything, print it off and tell her how it is so that she knows from the start. And I say this as a smoker. It should be your wishes all the way.

AgathaF Tue 26-Feb-13 12:04:18

Don't tell her, and when you go in make sure the mws are aware of your wish to have no-one else in to see you.

Tell about the smoking too.

You will need to stand your ground with her from the beginning, she'll just trample all over you otherwise.

Chattymummyhere Tue 26-Feb-13 12:10:03

With the smoking just bring it up in a baby convo.

"Oh yeah we are going to be really strict on that NO ONE is going to get near the baby if they have smoked within the last 30minutes and they need to wash theirs hands! Don't want to risk anything when it comes to little beans health"

Then is she does the well you will let me won't you though?

" why are your fags less harmful than other people's? No person is taking priority over beans health"

Also just don't tell her when in labour although be prepared for dh to still tell anyway.. Mine had agreed to not tell till I was ready 1 hour after giving birth they where at the hospital I was not aware they had even been called!!! Que arguments over 2nd birth and guess what the spineless man that is my husband bloody well did it again this time a home birth!!

If I have a 3rd I swear I'm not even telling the hubby or I shall hide the phones...

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