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to find my friend annoying when she judges what I eat?

(72 Posts)
BodieBolts Mon 25-Feb-13 23:06:45

My friend has always been very into healthy eating - absolutely nothing wrong with that in the slightest, and good for her.

We went out on a day trip together and when it came to lunch, she said "I really need to eat some vegetables" and it ended up being my choice (between 2 places) of where to eat (there was 4 of us) and I chose a pizza place. She left the crust and said afterwards - all that grease will keep us warm now.

I also dared to buy a bottle of coke on the way home whilst she bought some fruit. She asked what I bought and said I told her and she just laughed.

Now I eat healthily 90% of the time but on rare days I generally don't give a shit and will enjoy pizza without getting upset about it. Life is too short to worry or deny myself certain food all the time.

I don't mind if she wants to be healthy 99% of the time but I don't want to be judged for what I decide to eat.

mamapants Tue 26-Feb-13 14:12:49

I don't think anyone is saying that its ok to rudely comment on what people are eating, what we 'bandwagoneers' are saying is that we can't see that your friend did comment snidely on what you were eating. The only thing that might be construed that way is laughing about the coke but I'm not convinced you aren't reading more into that than there was since apparently saying you fancy veg is some kind of slur against you.

Otherworld Tue 26-Feb-13 14:00:38

It's an interesting point. Like atthewelles I read the first page of comments thinking am I the only one who thinks you are over reacting.

So, I decided to add my thoughts because (in my opinion) you are over reacting. It's not bandwagoneering.

DontmindifIdo Tue 26-Feb-13 13:58:15

People who spend a lot of time on self denial really find it hard to see other people not doing the same, it becomes a moral issue.

It's not just food either - for a case in point, get over to style and beauty and read the thread where a woman has £800 to spend on a handbag, amongst the suggestions for bags there several woman who felt the need to comment that they can't imagine ever spending that much on something just for themselves, that it's wasteful, why not get a £50 bag and give the rest to charity or spend it on a family holiday, not just something for you .

It's not enough that they make this choice, they have to comment and point out the alternative choice is wrong. That they are morally superior. Food is very similar to a lot of people, language about 'good' and 'bad' foods, 'treats' etc just feeds this view that it's about what a good person you are as well as fuel for your body.

Another possibility is that if you are fatter than her, it could be she sees you as her fat friend, the one she can use to inspire her self restraint (eat like OP, look like OP) and she keeps you around as someone she can feel better than.

If you are thinner than her, it could be she can't help commenting because she wants to look like you but while she's denying herself the 'treat' food, you aren't and still are better looking, her comments come from an internal dialogue that "it's not fair".

atthewelles Tue 26-Feb-13 13:54:21

OP by the time I came to this thread there was already a page or so of comments. I read the first lot with bewilderment wondering why I was the only one who thought you WBU. Then I saw, with some relief, that other people were giving a YABU reply. I was not jumping on any bandwagon. You could just as easily say that the first respondent said YANBU, and everyone else jumped on that bandwagon until someone had the courage to disagree.
Seriously, its a ridiculous comment. If someone disagrees with me and any other posters concur then they're all just 'jumping on the bandwagon'. hmm

Quodlibet Tue 26-Feb-13 13:52:39

You are being ludicrous about the bandwagon OP. Some people agree with you, others won't. Lots of people add to the thread without necessarily reading through all the responses. Allow other people to have their own independent opinions!

I don't see that she's 'commenting' on what other people eat any more than you are commenting on her food choices. If someone actually says 'I think that food you are eating is grim and I wouldn't touch it' that's one thing, but she didn't say anything like that. I don't think it's unreasonable to comment on food you have both eaten, is it? Asking what you got and laughing is either making light conversation or a deeply judgemental critique of your food choices, depending on the way YOU interpret it. I honestly think you've blown a couple of things she said out of all proportion and that it says more about your own food insecurities than it does about her being judgemental.

BamBam21 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:48:40

Oh that's fine fillyjonk, and I wouldn't criticise anyone else who wanted something healthy to eat. It works both ways, and it's rude of anyone to comment. FWIW I don't think the OP shows any particular rudeness from the friend, but perhaps it's just the latest in a long line of wee digs that the OP is picking up on.

BegoniaBampot Tue 26-Feb-13 13:41:31

Bodie - so the majority who started off saying YWNBU were bandwagoneers too then?

Fillyjonk75 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:37:01

But, apart from laughing at the Coke, was anything a comment on what other people eat?

I've heard people call others fat, jokingly, for having a large portion or something like cake, but it doesn't seem to be in that league.

Fillyjonk75 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:34:07

Well I have used it, BamBam, as I love vegetables, and really notice if I don't have enough, especially on holiday or after Christmas.

BodieBolts Tue 26-Feb-13 13:33:35

Begonia It started off with the majority saying I wasn't BU. That yes it's rude to comment on what people eat. If she wants to be healthy 100% of the time she can, but should understand others are not the same.

Then one person disagreed and the rest of the comments that followed were that I was BU.

People can read back and see for themselves.

Now I have mentioned the bandwagon there is a more mixed response.

BegoniaBampot Tue 26-Feb-13 13:28:59

Are the bandwagoneers those who thought you were BU or NBU?

BamBam21 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:26:40

Personally, I have never uttered the words, "I fancy some vegetables/salad/fruit", and would be a bit confused at anyone who did, because I would rather have pizza/pie/chocolate. It explains my svelte physique!grin I wouldn't think someone was being rude if they said it though, as long as they let me eat my pizza/pie/chocolate in peace.

Fillyjonk75 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:21:23

I don't see why commenting about pizza being fatty and keeping you warm, or not eating the crust indicates she was bothered about eating it.

God, hate to think about all the times I've said/done similar and have horribly offended my friends by leaving something on the plate hmm

Fillyjonk75 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:17:00

I think you've taken her comments a bit more personally than they were meant, OP, unless there is more to it. I don't particularly see a problem with them to be fair, apart from perhaps laughing at the Coke.

Viviennemary Tue 26-Feb-13 13:14:32

Those types really annoy me. She was being selfish and rude behaving like that when out for a meal. And so silly and childish. You have the right idea. Healthy eating most of the time and a few treats sometimes.

atthewelles Tue 26-Feb-13 13:11:36

In what way are people jumping on the bandwagon? Some people have agreed with you, some people have not. That's all.

BodieBolts Tue 26-Feb-13 13:10:35

Wow this thread is funny, and my eyes have been opened to people jumping on the bandwagon.

I'm not going to drip-feed, there was 4 of us and we only had two choices of where to eat. It was a restaurant where it was very cheap (water, food, salad and dessert (apples/yoghurt) all for £5.00.

One line there was pizza and the other we had no idea. Each of the three people said "Oh I don't mind which one we eat" and then they all said "you decided". No idea what was in the other line so I chose pizza and the other two seemed happy with it.

We all had a side salad and drank water with our meal. The pizza had olives, pepper and onion so not disgustingly unhealthy.

I'm not obsessive or insecure about my food, I just don't like people making me feel bad for what I want to eat.

I don't care that she likes vegetables. That isn't an issue and I'm not sure why people are making it one. I would never feel the need to comment to her on what she eats.

I shouldn't have mentioned that she left the pizza crust though as it's not relevant - so I was being unreasonable for that.

But yes bandwagon wow...

atthewelles Tue 26-Feb-13 12:16:21

I don't see anything particularly offensive about her behaviour. She remarked that the pizza was greasy (which pizzas often are) and just laughed when you said you'd bought a bottle of coke (as opposed to making disapproving comments or a cats bum face).

Also, if she said she wanted some vegetables why did you choose a pizza restaurant?

MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill Tue 26-Feb-13 12:07:05

I never moan about my weight, I could probably do with losing a stone or two but after having triggered a bout of all consuming OCD while on weight watchers, a few years ago, I've got to the stage now, where I just think lifes too short to be worrying about what I eat.
So I was pissed off and slightly hurt the other day, when I overheard my mum and sister bitching about how much I and a cousin eat and 'the quality of 'the food we consume.
I actually think for the most part my diet is healthy, I just sometimes have a tendency to over indulge my sweet tooth.
Anyway commenting on what people eat, in my book, is the height of rudeness!

Fillyjonk75 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:05:13

Also I don't think it's weird to leave the crust on the pizza. I sometimes find it too dry to eat and would rather eat the middle with the nice topping if I'm getting a bit full. It isn't obligatory to overstuff yourself.

Fillyjonk75 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:03:48

I'd like somewhere where I can get vegetables normally, but I wouldn't like to unduly restrict or comment on someone else's choices of food. I don't find the comment about the grease offensive though - surely just a normal thing to say? But laughing at the coke is a bit off.

mamapants Tue 26-Feb-13 11:59:49

Wow was so confused on the first page with everyone saying your friend sounded like a bitch. Can't see any rudeness or judginess tbh. She made a joke about the pizza that's all. I feel sorry for her if you pick on everything she says like that. I can't see that she was mean at all.

EldritchCleavage Tue 26-Feb-13 11:49:04

Making negative comments on other people's food is always rude, I think EXCEPT: people who constantly moan about weight, diets, willpower etc but continue to eat unhealthily do test the patience and then a small comment about it is forgivable. Monitoring other people's food intake for them is super-rude.

If your friend though pizza was greasy, she should have ordered something else. And why bother asking you what you bought? She got fruit, you got coke, everyone was happy. Equally, unless she does this relentlessly I don't think it is worth getting cross about. Ignore.

Otherworld Tue 26-Feb-13 10:28:44

You are being unreasonable by over reacting to a fairly harmless couple of statements.

Is she really a friend. Someone you like?

Quodlibet Tue 26-Feb-13 09:42:48

That's another one that is always been thrown at people who eat healthily - we are 'obsessing' over our food choices - the logic being 'they didn't have a biscuit/cake/coke so they must be locked in a battle of denial and really miserable'. It's not always true I'm afraid - some people just don't like that stuff. If you don't habitually eat a lot of sugar a coke can taste really unpleasant, same with overly greasy or salty food. Quite possibly the friend hasn't given it a second thought; its the OP who is obsessing about what they respectively chose and what it means. Who knows if the friend feels superior? There's a lot of presuming she does - but that's just as likely to be other people projecting their insecurities.

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