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To be really upset about this?

(104 Posts)
extremepie Sun 24-Feb-13 18:30:54

My parents have just phoned to tell me they are coming for a surprise visit in 3 days time.

Ok, little bit annoyed that we didn't have more time to prepare but we moved to a different part of the country just before Christmas so I haven't seen them in about 6 months and am happy that they will be visiting, especially since DS really misses them.

The problem us DH doesn't exactly get on with my parents and basically had a massive screaming fit when he found out saying that he has no say in what happens in his own house. He is now demanding that I phone them back and tell them they can't come.

Essentially he is making me choose between offending my parents or upsetting him.

AIBU to be upset? What should I do?

usualsuspect Sun 24-Feb-13 21:40:30

Glad it's all sorted OP. Have a lovely time with your mum and dad.

mathanxiety Sun 24-Feb-13 21:38:07

'Stressed out lately' my elbow.

No smoke without fire. He has some sort of chip on his shoulder about an Englishman's home being his castle.

he doesn't really get on with his parents so he just said he would have told them to get stuffed
What does he have against his own parents? He sounds rude and inclined to take himself very seriously.

What do you mean by critical when you say your parents are critical?

HearMyRoar Sun 24-Feb-13 21:25:20

argh x-post.

Sounds like that weekend could be OK then smile

In future though I would ask your parents to give a bit more warning.

crunchbag Sun 24-Feb-13 21:25:15

chickens Crunch, why should the Ops husband be forced out of his own home because people have taken it upon themselves to invite themselves to stay?

Because the OP wants to see her parents, they have the space and time for them to visit. If he finds that so hard to understand and cannot be civil he can sod off for a few days. It's not just his house or his feelings.

WorriedTeenMum Sun 24-Feb-13 21:25:11

They are your childs grandparents! - So what? This does not give them the right to demand board and lodging.

WorriedTeenMum Sun 24-Feb-13 21:21:56

I think the people who are saying that their family just turns up and are greeted with open arms are entirely missing the point that this is not about their family.

OP's DH is being told that he has to suck it up not because this is what his DW wants but because his interfering, ill-mannered in-laws have decided to land themselves on them all.

If my DPiL were to so forget themselves and behave in this way then I would be checking my stocks of hemlock.

HearMyRoar Sun 24-Feb-13 21:21:32

I love my parents to bits and get on with them amazingly but if they phoned telling me they where coming to stay in 3 days I would be aghast. I know some people like to have people over a lot but I would find this situation incredibly stressful even with people I like and feel comfortable with. I just need time to adjust to the idea of having people stay for what to me seems like a significant amount of time.

If I was your dp I would also be furious to be honest. Just the thought of being told that someone I find difficult to be around at the best of times is going to be arriving in a few days with no discussion or consultation is enough to make me break out in a cold sweat. If I were him I would probably be booking a hotel and leaving you to it.

lunar1 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:15:40

My DH would think id gone crackers if I asked his permission for someone to stay. its our house, if any of our family turned up on the door step to visit with no notice they would be welcome to stay, as are friends.

I just dont see how we would function as a family having to ask permission for such trivia. They are your childs grandparents!

extremepie Sun 24-Feb-13 21:15:23

Hmm, it is a tough one about the DC's, they will be delighted to see them but it could possibly affect them afterwards when they leave - DS1 has had a hard time lately missing his GP's and his old life while trying to settle here.

He's calmed now and we've talked about it - he apologised for over reacting but he has been stressed out lately so I understand.

As it turns out the weekend they are coming down coincides with a weekend DH was going to go back to visit some friends so it looks like everyone might just end up happy after all :D

CarlingBlackMabel Sun 24-Feb-13 21:07:17

All v awkward.

Ideally of course your DH would have had a chance to be consulted etc, but he really is over-reacting. Does he like lots of routein, structure, and warning of change?

I would take a softly softly approach. Explain to him that you feel incredibly awkward, and this isn't the way you would have chosen to have done it. tell him you are sorry that it has been landed on him fait accomplit.

But tell him you know the DC will be pleased, that you have had no chance to see them, that it is MUCH better than you making the trip there, etc etc. Your parents intended it as a noce opportunity to take you out for ther anniversary etc.

And if he still won't relax about it, tell him you have a right to see family in your own home and if he doesn't like it he can go to a Travelodge for 3 nights. Because he really is over-reacting.

(I have MIL from hell or thereabouts, and still know that DH has the right to see his family, and when all's said and done, family is family)

Softlysoftly Sun 24-Feb-13 20:55:36



<<gives up>>

Softlysoftly Sun 24-Feb-13 20:54:11

I'm with usual my parents are here at the moment, they stopped off on their way back from somewhere and staying until Tuesday with no notice. We are living having them and yes in laws could too.

Can I just say you're DH "feeling they are a little critical" should not equate to SCREAMING at you! Unless they've done something truly horrific like murder your cat he needs to put up with them for your emotional happiness.

coppertop Sun 24-Feb-13 20:53:09

Will your ds2 be okay with the sudden arrival of his grandparents?

If there's likely to be fall-out from this, then your dh may well feel that as primary carer he will be the one bearing the brunt of it - and that's without factoring in a pair of critical in-laws who may well be judging you both if there are any meltdowns etc.

chickensarmpit Sun 24-Feb-13 20:52:23

widow, i haven't seen my parents in awhile but i would still expect them to call and ask if they could visit for a few days. Not just tell me it's happening.

My parents and my pil will always be welcome in my home, but it's my home and my rules. If i don't want them there then that's my choice, same for the Op and her husband.

MamaMumra Sun 24-Feb-13 20:47:12

There I go agreeing with usual again...

MamaMumra Sun 24-Feb-13 20:46:44

chickenarmpit - they aren't people they are OPs parents.

I don't get all the formality about family coming to visit.

usualsuspect Sun 24-Feb-13 20:46:29

They are not just 'people'

They are the OPs parents.

WidowWadman Sun 24-Feb-13 20:42:21

chickensarmpit - when have you last seen your parents? OP hasn't seen them in 6 months, and it's the only opportunity to see them in a while.

chickensarmpit Sun 24-Feb-13 20:36:06

Crunch, why should the Ops husband be forced out of his own home because people have taken it upon themselves to invite themselves to stay?

I find it incredibly rude and my sympathy lies with the husband.

Backtobedlam Sun 24-Feb-13 20:33:00

The short notice thing could work in DH's favour. If he doesn't want to be in he can just say he's very sorry but already had plans with x/y/z and head off to the pub, or suddenly have lots of work to do. I don't think your family are being out of order, they've given you 3 days notice, how much prep could you actually do for a visit?! If you already have plans to do things just tell them and they can tag along or not. Maybe they could babysit while you and dh go for a meal together? Lots of ways that this visit could work out well for everyone!

chickensarmpit Sun 24-Feb-13 20:32:56

I'd be fuming if my parents rang up and invited themselves into my home for 4 days. As much as i love them i can't stand bad manners and that is exactly what that is.
I completely understand why you Oh is annoyed, i would hate to have to spend time with people who are judgmental to me in my own home.
You must speak to your parents before there arrival and let them know to be on there best behaviour because if my pil started being judgmental to me, i would kick them out. 300 miles away from home or not.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 24-Feb-13 20:21:18

OP - My advice, as someone who would have felt like your DH, is to leave it for tonight. Let him sleep on it and get used to the idea and then raise it again tomorrow. Tell him the reasons they really want to come this week. But then say if he's still uncomfortable you'll tell them it's not convenient. He'll probably come round to allowing them to visit. If not it will let your parents know that your DH isn't the sort of person who enjoys a surprise visit. A valuable life lesson I'd say...

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Sun 24-Feb-13 20:20:52

um, I mean 'time', not 'ride'.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Sun 24-Feb-13 20:19:44

I would be furious if my ILs phoned and announced they were coming (not asked if they could come) with 3 days' notice and dh just accepted it without consulting me. The OP's dh is getting a really unjustifiably rough ride on this thread.

crunchbag Sun 24-Feb-13 20:10:57

Oh dear, we told MIL on Sunday that we were coming over to hers the next day. In our families (both sides) we never have a problem with short notices and visits always involve over night stays because of disances.

Your DH is unreasonable, tell him to book himself a room elsewhere if he has such a problem with it.

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