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To go on holiday and NOT take DD?

(129 Posts)
akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 17:16:08

I haven't had a holiday for 6 years. I haven't had a holiday without DC's for even longer. I haven't EVER had a holiday with a RL friend.

I'm 53 and divorced for 2 years. I had to sell the family home to enable ext to fund a private 6th form course that my DD and her DF arranged between themselves. I now live in a rented house and I have equity for another house if I can raise a mortgage (at my age, WTAF). I am saving towards that too. I work very hard F/T and always have done.

My friend says it's been a long hard slog for me and she wants us to book a holiday in Zanzibar for later this year. It looks fab. I want to go. But I think my DD will be angry and upset that 1. I'm not taking her as well (despite her preferring to spend all her spare time with her partner and/or friend) 2. I have said I can't afford to pay insurance on a car she wants to buy.

So AIBU if I just book this holiday? Or am I selfish?

ENormaSnob Sun 24-Feb-13 17:42:50

She sounds absolutely horrible. Really really unpleasant.

I hope for your sake you wont let this ridiculous behaviour continue.

Tbh, if my eldest started this kind of shit I would be packing him off to his dads.

Wereonourway Sun 24-Feb-13 17:44:40

I definitely think you should go, and u think you should use it to set a precedent for future behaviour.
It's sad that dd changed when you separated BUT I take it this wAsnt your fault and have since done everything to make life good for her.
If she is almost 18 I assume she will want a holiday herself(with friends of her bf) very soon
Is she going to ask you to go with her?
It seems that you very much deserve this, let your ex h take the reins for a week or 2 and if she huffs and puffs and stamps her feet then let her.
And also if she uses the car insurance against you tell her to get a job and work for it, like I and lots of other people her age have to.

Wereonourway Sun 24-Feb-13 17:45:23

Sorry for all typos, on phone!

frogspoon Sun 24-Feb-13 17:46:32

YANBU to go on holiday without her but...

It sounds like your DD has has had alot to cope with recently: her father moving out, moving house etc., and so have you, although that isn't an excuse for her bratty behaviour. Talk to her about your holiday as the mature adult you want her to become.

Also help her to get something set up for herself whilst you are away (holiday away with friends or boyfriend, stay with her DF). I'm guessing you will be away for a couple of weeks, and whilst she probably won't admit it, she will probably get pretty lonely on her own. She has had her dad walk out on her a year ago, and to her it may seem as though you are doing the same.

ChasedByBees Sun 24-Feb-13 17:47:47

Go go go! And she can move out if she wants total silence past her bedtime.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 17:48:30

cocky no I haven't mentioned it yet. RL friend only came around yesterday and insisted that we look up where we would stay, flights, dates etc.

TBH I think DD will play up even though she wouldn't want to go. That's the depths to which our relationship has deteriorated. But actually, I don't think I will mention it. If I decide I can afford to go I will book it first and then I won't be able to cancel it.

Yes I was forced to sell the family home. It WAS mine and ex's but he would have stopped paying anything toward the mortgage and DD so I really felt I had no choice. That seems to have started something which now feels never ending.

It's not about a holiday then, is it? sad

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 17:51:13

Only a couple of RL friends know how it has been.

I finally admitted to my DF last week that she is this way. I did it because he was going to buy her a car (!) and asked me how I felt. I had to tell him. His response? "Well she's not getting one, she doesn't deserve it and you should have told me about this sooner".

I was ashamed. i feel like I've let her down though christ knows why.

squeakytoy Sun 24-Feb-13 17:51:38

Why does she not go and live with her father? I would not put up with being spoken to like that by my daughter. She has no respect for you and you are enabling this I'm afraid. Time to put your foot down or you will be a doormat for a long time yet.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 17:52:56

She thinks her DF is a knob and he lives with the OW and her 4 DC's. No place for DD. I've said this to her in anger before and she bursts into tears and then I'm the baddy. FFS!!

nannyof3 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:56:32

Ur daughter should stand on her own two lfeet...

Why should u pay her insurance...

Go on holiday.. Have fun !!!!!!

lougle Sun 24-Feb-13 18:00:17

This isn't about a holiday, it's not even about you. It's about control. Your DD feels wronged and you are going to pay. Every single time.

I know this because I see it several times per week in my poor parents. I don't think they'll ever escape it, because they'll never get to the point where they say no and mean it enough to follow through.

If you don't sort this now, it'll be even worse when your DD has children and expects to keep her pre-child freedoms at your expense.

NotGoodNotBad Sun 24-Feb-13 18:01:55

She tries to tell you when to go to bed? shock

Go on holiday and don't come back. grin

Awizardsstaffhasaknobontheend Sun 24-Feb-13 18:06:14


livinginwonderland Sun 24-Feb-13 18:07:23

i think people are being quite harsh on dd. she lost her dad, and although he might still be "around", he still walked out on her, and he clearly has no real time for her - like you said, he has the OW and her kids now, and unfortunately, they're his priority.

i think DD needs some help dealing with her feelings re. the divorce - have you considered therapy or counselling or something to help her deal with things more productively? she's obviously very angry about the situation and she's taking it out on you because you're there (hence the wanting quiet time, demanding money, not being happy about the new house) and i think she would benefit with some help - maybe get her into a sport or an activity to help channel her anger?

a lot of people are saying "who'd go on holiday with their parents/mum at 18, how sad!" but i just got back from a weekend away with my mum and i'm 24. you're definitely not obliged to ask her along, but make sure she has someone there for her when you're away - grandparent, neighbour or family friend, perhaps, or let her have her boyfriend to stay. two weeks alone at 17/18 can feel pretty lonely, even though she'd never dare admit it. good luck smile

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 18:09:02

lougle that's how I feel most of the time when she's here. I know I'm not a shit DM but I often FEEL shit. So taking a holiday <sharp intake of breath emoticon> feels like a shit thing to do.

notgood that's the first time I've laughed about this because I guess to an outsider it's a ludicrous situation.

goodygumdrops Sun 24-Feb-13 18:09:19

Agree with others. If she was a small child a would say YABU. But 18 - i think she will be ok with you going, and if not, she should be.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 18:13:34

Good God !

Go on the holiday and leave your daughter behind

A few lessons in understanding other people's situation is what she needs, so this is a perfect scenario

She will be ok in the long run, they usually are. But she needs to know her mother is a person in her own right, not an extension of herself. You are going, no further argument will be brooked, ok ?

EnjoyResponsibly Sun 24-Feb-13 18:13:47

Please go. Your thread has made me sad and angry. You really do deserve some fun. Can I Drive you to the airport?

SkinnybitchWannabe Sun 24-Feb-13 18:15:05

I think you should definitely go on the holiday. You've put your dd first throughout her life and it's time you did something for yourself.
When I got my first car I would never have expected or allowed my dp to pay the insurance..and as for the tv noise, you're the adult of the house and you need to make her very aware that you make the rules. If you want to stay up watching tv then you damn well should, next time tell her to buy earplugs.

KatieMiddleton Sun 24-Feb-13 18:15:09

Go. Have a fabulous time. It will do you both the world of good.

I quite fancy a holiday without my dd but I have to wait until she's weaned. Then I'm off! for a weekend

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 18:15:20

I will let you borrow my fabulous sundresses < shows age >

hermioneweasley Sun 24-Feb-13 18:20:01

Agree with others saying you should go, but also agree with Living that your DD is coping with a lot at the moment too (as you are). She may be looking to test you and get you to prove that you won't abandon her (amateur psychologist) - assuming she wan't a spoilt brat before the divorce? Your DH sounds like a twat.

pippinsmum Sun 24-Feb-13 18:20:29

Go, you deserve it.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 18:23:48

livinginwonderland I know. I paid for private therapy and went to some sessions with her to talk it all out. I understand what she's going through and I know how it must feel. She can't take it out on him (although she gives him a hard time) because he holds the purse strings and she's afraid he'll pull out of funding her education. She feels she's been replaced by someone else's kids. All that is understandable but very, very difficult to live with and I just don't have the answers or the solutions to make it right for her.

I've had to sort out what I am angry with him about and what I feel angry with her for. I don't blame her for feeling how she does, but I posted here today because I am running out of ideas as to what to do.

And I will go on holiday.

akaWisey Sun 24-Feb-13 18:25:48

I keep x posting. Sorry.

Yes please a lift to the airport, sundresses, offers to sit on the luggage so I can shut it all appreciated. grin

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