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To be pissed off at the way my mum mollycoddles my brother.

(56 Posts)
CelticPixie Sun 24-Feb-13 15:32:59

My brother is almost 30 and still lives at home with my parents. Despite having a good job he lives there rent free and does pretty much sod all to help about the house. My mum does everything for him. She cooks, does his washing and his ironing. He apparently cannot do these things for himself even though you could train a performing chimp to operate a washer and iron some clothes. He can't even make a doctors appointment for himself, she has to do it for him.

He treats the house like a hotel coming and doing as he pleases. He drives a top of the range almost new sports car, holidays several times a year, eats outs with his girlfriend several times a week and wears designer clothes all the while telling people that he can't afford to move out! But you can't reason with my mum at all about it, she is blinkered when it comes to her golden boy. She refuses to criticise him and jumps on anyone who does. I know my dad agrees with me because he's told me as much when my mums not about but has learned to keep schtum for a quiet life. If he starts on golden boy he's accused of picking on him!

I get on well with my mum most of the time, but I hate seeing her used a personal maid when she's not getting any younger herself. She has bad arthritis and has been ill with depression and stress in recent years. I'm struggling to hold my tongue, but I know if I say something my brother will never speak to me again because he's that kind of person.

What to do?????

GreenShadow Sun 24-Feb-13 16:10:13

You know, as my children get older (one already at university), I'm beginning to get to the point where I wonder what it'll be like when they all go. I have mixed feelings at the moment, but can well imagine that there will be a very large 'boy-sized' hole when they do all go.

Maybe, your DM simply likes having him there and doesn't want him to go, so does everything to encourage him stay. I assume she is retired, in which case, she might like the fact that it gives her more focus in life. Maybe she worries what it'll be like at home with just your DFather left. After all, cooking/cleaning for one more doesn't actually make that much more work.

Not saying I agree with her way of dealing with it, but you have to think of it from her point of view too.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 24-Feb-13 16:10:17

I do feel really sorry for you. He sounds like an arse!

It's not all men but generally those that have been spoilt rotten by their parents.

I doubt very much if there is a single thing you can do because everyone else is buying into this set up. :-(

CelticPixie Sun 24-Feb-13 16:13:02

GreenShadow my mum still works part time. I think you might be onto something regarding her needing someone to look after though. My issue is that he really don't seem to appreciate it.

akaemmafrost Sun 24-Feb-13 16:14:18

"probably end up an alcoholic and a suicide"

That's some crystal ball you've got there pessarypam.

Sadly op I don't think there's much you can do, my ex MIL is like this and her ds (ex H) is about as entitled and misogynistic as its possible to be. He's a bit better after being dumped by me, says he realises that women won't put up with it but I don't actually see much real change. I don't think he's capable of it, too deeply ingrained. Your Mum quite possibly may have ruined him for a healthy, equal adult relationship. But maybe that's what she wants? The mother/son dynamic can be a strange thing.

GreenShadow Sun 24-Feb-13 16:14:19

I bet he doesn't appreciate at all. What happens when they go on holiday?

HoleyGhost Sun 24-Feb-13 16:14:22

Stop feeling sorry for your Mum, this is what she wants.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:16:21

I do aka, I have seen this play out many times. Boys need to be turfed out by 30 or they are farked.

HoleyGhost Sun 24-Feb-13 16:16:49

Why should he appreciate it? She is not doing him any favours. She is mollycoddling him because she likes to.

CelticPixie Sun 24-Feb-13 16:20:18

When my parent go on holiday his girlfriend moves into the home with him. He struggles to get up for work in the mornings(that's something else my mum has to do, get him up for work) so the GF stays over to make sure he's up at a decent time.

Spoonful Sun 24-Feb-13 16:20:32

Feel sorry for your brother.
Your mum and dad have not given him the life skills to live in the normal world, and most likely denied him the opportunity to have a happy family of his own.

cantspel Sun 24-Feb-13 16:22:36

Your mum is probably quite happy with the way things stand so why should she change just because you dont like it?

If they are happy then really it is none of your business.

ilovesooty Sun 24-Feb-13 16:25:49

When my parent go on holiday his girlfriend moves into the home with him. He struggles to get up for work in the mornings(that's something else my mum has to do, get him up for work) so the GF stays over to make sure he's up at a decent time

Does she have his tea on the table and do his laundry as well/

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:26:28

When your DM dies he will not be able to cope. You should tell her she is intentionally raising a disabled son and being really pants at her job. It's not all about her. These people are so evil.

iworemyfringelikerogermcguinns Sun 24-Feb-13 16:52:20

I could have written this too, OP, although my useless bro has no intention of getting a job. He does zero, leaving my elderly parents to cook, clean, garden and lets them pay eg a window cleaner for things he could easily do but is too damn lazy.

My dad hates it but shuts up because my mum gets shirty and produces the "what am I supposed to do, kick him out to live on the street" line. So now he's nearly 40, unemployable (never had a job, lacks basic skills, poor personal hygiene etc), no woman would come near him. Mother seems happy being a martyr, I've given up.We used to get on well; he's smart, articulate, could be a skilled craftsman, but his future will be bleak. Well done mum.

maddening Sun 24-Feb-13 19:08:48

What does.your dbro say when you say he is out of order?

PacificDogwood Sun 24-Feb-13 20:20:42

I could've written your OP too - quite shocking how many of us are familiar with this set up hmm.
To be fair, my DB is not an entitled wanker much grin, but just v passive and just 'let' my mum pick up his dirty laundry, carry to the basement, wash it, hang it up, take it down, fold/iron it, put it in a little basket, with some chocolate on top and drive it back to his house shockangry!!

TBH, I was cross with him for 'allowing' it and cross with her for never questioning that this was right. He was about 35 at the time.

He married aged 39 a very needy, at times unwell woman who cannot/does not contribute to the running of the household. So he works full time, shops, cooks, does laundry, cleans, picks up their daughter etc etc. He truly does not have an easy life, but kind of passively slithered into that situation just like he did with my slightly overbearing mum hmm. Weird? Or Karma? I am not sure...

CelticPixie, you have no choice but to stay out of it. I gather you don't live at home? She is doing what she wants to or at least is conditioned to do and anything you say will be seen as critisism and as uncalled for. Your DB will either grow up. Or not. Nothing you can do or say will make a difference.
I have been glad over the years that I live several hundred miles away from them.

PacificDogwood Sun 24-Feb-13 20:22:59

I have 4 boys btw and my parenting is entirely designed to make myself redundant grin.
My DH moved out from home aged 17 and is well-skilled at all household chores. His shirt-ironing skills far outperform mine and I do not mind one little bit grin.

MewlingQuim Sun 24-Feb-13 20:36:39

My DM is like this, it is her way of being in control. My eldest brother moved out at 40+ (to live with a woman who has spent her whole adult life caring for sick parents) and younger bro is still there, now also aged 40+.

DM has only come to visit my DD (her only grandchild) 3 times in the year since she was born, apparently she can't come because she has to be home to make my brother's lunch. hmm

midoriway Sun 24-Feb-13 20:49:46

Are you me OP? 34 year old younger brother still at home, letting mum get up in the dark so she can get to her job, so she can keep paying his broadband bill. He used to be so clever and friendly and handsome, now he is a boring arse. I can not see a woman of any taste or substance shacking up with him.

I ask dad through gritted teeth when the hell they are kicking him out, dad just looked sad and said he has given up talking about it with mum.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 21:18:41

midor we see loads of these geniuses at the pub, always with a fantastic story about their towering intellect and why they can't work. Always cadging drinks and running up tabs too. They think they are so clever it's sad.

PacificDogwood Sun 24-Feb-13 21:25:18

MewlingQuim, I agree that a lot of this is about control and maintaining a purpose in life for some middle-aged/older mothers. It's v sad.
I left home, then buggered off to live abroad, and my mum maintained such an intense relationship with my DB that it is interfering with his marriage and their relationship to my Dniece. They live 2 miles up the road and are barely on speaking terms, yet she will still do their gardening/bring pre-cooked meals/take away laundry and bring it back as a way to gain access to their lives. Aaargh!

Your DM is the one who misses out on getting to know her granddaughter because she 'has to' look after an adul male hmm.

kelhen Sun 24-Feb-13 21:28:33

This sounds sooooo like an Irish Mammy. They worship their sons (am daughter of an Irish Mammy).

midastouch Sun 24-Feb-13 21:35:14

I think i will be you in a few years time except my brother is a lazy f***er who hasnt even got a job, and mummy pays for his cars and repairs it is incredibly annoying but theres not a lot you can do, one day he may regret takign the p**s out of your mum!

CelticPixie Sun 24-Feb-13 21:50:33

No I've not lived at home for over five years now. I can't see my brother leaving at all in the near or distant future.

It's very interesting how many other people on this discussion have had similar experiences though, good to know I'm not alone.

PacificDogwood Sun 24-Feb-13 22:08:22

Why should he leave?? He's got it made, doesn't he?

This is what used to make me so cross with my brother: the fact that he tolerated and thereby encouraged it. So little dignity in it IMO. It was really important to me to be independent of my parents as soon as practical. They supported me through a long university course, so I really felt I had to get off their payroll as soon as possible, if that makes any sense, and he had no inclination at all. I still cannot fathom it tbh.

It is hard to just stand back and let them get on with it, but I really thing that is your only choice; it certainly is if you want to maintain a civil relationship with them.

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