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Because I OBVIOUSLY requested and earnt/deserved a premature baby (yes it's a MIL one)

(69 Posts)
MiaowTheCat Sun 24-Feb-13 15:32:51

So frustrated I could explode at the moment (and no hope of support from DH on this one either). Just had the weekly horror of the "grandchild expected to be sat on Skype so I can sit in splendour, do naff all actually WITH her and chat AT her about how nasty her mummy and daddy are making her sit here and be bored" call with her. I was always a relative defender of MILs - knowing and admitting mine was, at times, very annoying - but she became increasingly ridiculous last pregnancy - and my tolerance dropped a helluva lot. She was a great help - but still her behaviour just made a really tough time (DD1 was the best part of 2 months prem, I had a horrific hospital stay with her, horrible case of birth trauma and just generally a very very dark time in my life - to the extent I regard our "family" life as beginning when we drove out of the hospital carpark together)... from the absolutely awful hystrionics when she first saw DD1 (who was an exceptionally cute looking baby, utterly perfectly formed - just on the dinky side), to shoving me aside so I didn't get to participate in the first bath (I had asked some of the ward staff to help me get my head around the logistics of bathing a baby that came in XXsmall!) and spent it shoved into a corner feeling like utter crap. I had her quizzing me with my expressed breast milk yields like some kind of fucking dairy cow - just total scrutiny all the time.

Since then I've had ridiculous amounts of pressure piled on regarding weaning and comments about how she MUST eat the couple of things I dislike or it'll be some kind of picky-eater armageddon - EVERY SINGLE FUCKING WEEKLY CALL. Hubby made the mistake of mentioning that DD wasn't too keen on her first taste of salmon - that became some massive source of inquisition for weeks on end (hell - this is probably the least-picky eater child I know out of any in my social circle)... and teeth - because obviously we're purposely withholding teeth out of spite (and it ain't for lack of drool/cheeks you could roast marshmallows over they're so hot and red), crawling - everything like that she basically goes into utter denial shutdown talk-over-you mode if you dare mention that she might do these things slightly later than the "norm" (or indeed the perfect other grandchild) because of the prematurity thing. She doesn't have a single photo on-show of DD in her house prior to her feeding tube being removed - it's ridiculous, and it makes me quite cross because I REFUSE to have DD feel stigmatised or any degree of shame over the fact that she came early and had to go in a special box to keep her warm and safe like in mummy's tummy for a little while till she was big and strong. Yet if we visit her - it's like this black hole in time where she simply didn't exist till she was aesthetically pleasing enough to be shown in public. We won't even add in the endless comments about how DD is being pretty much expected to be pulling the dogs' tails - both sides of that equation are kept very very well segregated and being taught from the outset how to get along and act acceptably toward each other - I refuse to allow a toddler aggravating a family pet to be viewed as inevitable or acceptable behaviour. We've said this time and time again it gets ignored.

Anyway - I'm pregnant again, absolutely racked with SPD and in horrific pain, struggling to physically cope because of this - my mum's running up and down the country trying to balance helping me out along with her own committments... I'm almost at the point where labour started last time - so understandably I'm bricking it about that... so on our weekly Skype today, as well as the endless jibes about how unfair and boring we are to make DD sit on there (when SHE bloody well demands it), we had loads of comments basically digging away that I must have done something to cause the prematurity last time - that I need to rest because that'll stop it this time (I was knackered last time, had packed in work and was doing nowt BUT rest - that didn't help then lol - and this time I have a 10 month old to deal with), then loads of "oh I hope we don't see you for at least another month" (note the assumption I want her down here when this baby's born - I really don't want the stress, the judgement, scrutiny and the undermining of confidence that she's been up to ever since DD1 was born)... just dig dig dig dig about the fact that I dared (and of course it's my fault - I feel like saying "just for once blame your son it might have been him delivering wonky sperm") to go prematurely last time.

Hubby refuses to back me on this - so I'm on my own and will get no choice in her coming down at all - she'll steamroller in, grab the babies (out of my arms if needs be) and shove me bodily out of the way (I've literally had to change a shitty nappy before with her head 2 cm away from DD1's face and me trying to change it down the business end - she didn't take the polite hint of "can you just be careful there, I don't want to get any of this on you" at all and just continued).

Last fucking thing I need to deal with right now - and I can't be assertive with her - because a) it just gets ignored anyway and b) they've given us so much help we're kind of indebted to them.

littlemonkeychops Mon 25-Feb-13 13:36:18

No kalidanger that wasn't me thankfully we managed to dodge the giving them a key issue when we last moved (just the thought of them having a key brings me out in a cold sweat!).

EldritchCleavage Mon 25-Feb-13 00:14:15

I would end your involvement in the Skype call as of now. Let your DH do it, if he wants to. It's one thing for her to be insensitive and unkind, quite another for her and your DH to expect you to sit there passively and listen to it.

And I would give DH a taste of what his mother gives him-less discussion about what you want and why, more recitations of what is going to happen and when. As long as you are reasonable and his mother is demanding, MIL is going to get her way. it's less painful for DH to annoy you.

I'm not suggesting you become a complete cow to either of them, just say no calmly and firmly and stick to it. So tell DH what the post-birth plan is, and say that while of course MIL is welcome to visit you just won't wear his mother turning up whenever she wants. Easy for me to say of course, but I do think trying to get DH to understand is too difficult right now-better to work on getting your own way, whether he understands or not.

Yfronts Sun 24-Feb-13 22:28:27

Tell your DH you will be going to your mothers/friends house if MIL arrives before you are ready.

Yfronts Sun 24-Feb-13 22:23:13

1) Stop skyping and be nowhere in the background while MIL is on skype. Tell your DH he is doing the Skype from now on. Email MIL and DH and say that you are officially handing the skype contact over to DH as you are too tired.

2) Also tell MIL that you look forward to her visit after the birth but that you will need time to bond first and so you request they come the day after you arrive home. Putting it in writing firmly/politely means your needs can be seen. If your DH is too weak to back you, that's his problem as you can tell the midwifes you don't want MIL visit. They will refuse her entry.

2) Just before the MIL arrives put your new baby in a sling. Refuse to move baby as baby is so happy and content there. It's the one sure way of keeping the baby close if you need to bond.

kalidanger Sun 24-Feb-13 22:23:12

littlemonkey Wete you the poster whose PIL used to let themselves into your house while you were chilling out, naked and pregnant? I hope so (!) because its fantastic news that you got everything sorted smile

Pickles101 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:13:50

Why do you Skype every week?
OP, I am annoyed on your behalf. Smack her round the chops and tell her to fuck off.

No matter how kind she may have been in the past, she's not being very kind now and you are now way indebted to her. If he doesn't get hints, don't hint.

littlemonkeychops Sun 24-Feb-13 21:44:49

Watch out Op, your last post hints at the cycle i was stuck in - i'd be anxious and stressed about Pil, but then tell myself that oh they could be worse and that often they seemed nice, and that Dh us so lovely in general that his not standing up to them was because he's nice etc etc.

Basically this is trying to talk yourself out of how you feel and leads you to the conclusion that "oh if they're not that bad in some ways it must be me being irrational" etc.

No, how you are feeling is valid and justified and you and Dh need to address it.

It took my anxiety reaching crazy levels, and a lot of reading posts on MN to make me realise that actually i didn't need to out up with it (thanks MN!).

So yes show your Dh this thread, not in a "see everyone thinks you're wrong" way, but as a way of showing him just how stressed and upset by it you are.

If he's lovely as you say then he'll back you up.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 21:10:57

I think you are in denial about the absolute vileness of your MIL and the total wetness of your DP. Until you deal with this you are only going to be a victim. Sorry but that's true.

LiegeAndLief Sun 24-Feb-13 19:45:33

Your problem is not MIL. Not fundamentally. It's your dh.

I've also had a prem baby and a MIL who tried to make it into my fault. Dh hung up on her and then unplugged the phone socket. If he had said nothing I'm not sure i could have hung around.

nickelbabe Sun 24-Feb-13 19:40:22

also, you could take matters into your own hands and ask the ward staff to refuse entry to the interfering over-the-mark-stepping old cow

nickelbabe Sun 24-Feb-13 19:38:56

of course another option is to say to dh, "I'm so fucking fed up to death of you siding with your mother that eitger I am going to take dd and stay with my mum until after the baby is born or you are going to stay with your mother and keep the fuck away from me"

basicalky, your dh needs to step up to the plate, listen to his wife and stand up to his mother.
thestress is not going to do you or the baby any good.

and fucking cut off theskype - you're not beholden to the witch.

Viviennemary Sun 24-Feb-13 19:37:16

I was ready to sympathise with your mil but once I had read all your post I think you should tell her that she can't come and that's the end of it. No, no and no again. Till it gets through. But try and be nice about it if you can. Good luck.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 24-Feb-13 19:33:28

I'd go nuts at anyone that took my baby out of my arms!

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 24-Feb-13 19:32:44


So your dh dislikes rocking the boat with his family but he's happy to rock the boat your sat in.

Nothing pisses me off more than this whole ohhh the dads got an equal right to decide who visits when your home from they don't and until they are the ones sat there having pushed a baby out and dealing with the recovery from doing so they won't.

If hospitals weren't such annoying places and it wasnt so impossible with other children I would say bring back the every mother getting to stay being looked after by people with there interests at heart for 3 weeks after.

You should be being protected from this bad behaviour. No matter what stage you deliver.

If it were me I would disengage from her until I was able to cope with her.that means no Skype and no visits

HilaryClinton Sun 24-Feb-13 19:29:05

Sorry did she actually say you did something to cause premature labour the last time?

HilaryClinton Sun 24-Feb-13 19:27:31

Well if he doesn't do assertive you'll have to. I think parents and parents in law sometimes struggle to see that their children are Adults. Obviously it is better to be assertive from day 1, but better late than never. Being assertive marks you as someone not to be messed with. If you think DD1 is getting bored calmly say so and walk away. Any digs about premature labour just say "gosh, it comes across that you BLAME me for last time, is that true". Just say to her. I've decided not to have visitors for the first three weeks and deflect all arguments think through what she might say have an answer.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Sun 24-Feb-13 19:00:40

Wow OP, I am also suffering with SPD (although now it is labelled as PGP and nobody knows what that is so I say SPD instead grin)

I have had a hell of a weekend in pain, miserable, house bound and quite frankly at the point of telling the world to fuck the fuck off for the next 4.5 weeks til DS is here.

Obviously I am hormonal, in pain and irrational.

I don't have a cow of a MIL to worry about with opinions that are unhelpful and not asked for.

You have my utter sympathy. My advise:

1) Switch Skype off (oh look, you computer is broken...oh what a shame MIL, we'll catch up v.soon --when hell freezes over--)
2) Give DH a kick up the arse and ask him to stop being a dick and support you.
3) No more advice but I find eating chocolate and junk food satisfying (yes i know that will bite my behind eventually but this last weekend I don't care!)

MiaowTheCat Sun 24-Feb-13 18:59:09

Yeah - next time I'll pray that one of the babies fires off the pee cannon grin

I know I need to have a talk with DH whenever he's in an amenable mood - probably not today cos he'll just be prone to disregarding what I say as a manifestation of my SPD pain.

Annoying thing is - I know she generally means well and just has lapses in sensitivity with things like yanking the baby out of my arms and stuff... but the prem stuff's been bubbling on the backburner for ages - I knew she had some issues from the lack of photos thing, but didn't realise it's obviously been playing on her mind that she felt I had done something to cause it (she's obviously smarter than all the docs who never figured out why it had happened).

I mean compared to some of the really malicious characters you hear about - she's a saint in comparison really - and her son IS a lovely kind, gentle character - albeit one with the assertiveness of a soggy marshmallow.

Downandoutnumbered Sun 24-Feb-13 18:56:44

Could you got to your Mum's when you have DC2? I do see that you can't physically bar her from your house, but if I were you I wouldn't want to be there. It sounds as though your Mum is more supportive than your DH, sadly.

quietbatperson Sun 24-Feb-13 18:41:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lotsofcheese Sun 24-Feb-13 17:51:34

Miaow - I really feel for you, having been in a similar position with a premature child, a DP who wouldn't stand up to his DM & am 6 months pregnant.

Firstly, have you been offered any counselling regarding PTSD & it's effect in your current pregnancy? Your GP, obstetrician or midwife should be able to refer you.

Secondly, I agree with opting out of Skype with MIL. Why put yourself through that?

Thirdly, perhaps think about some boundaries eg only seeing MIL in DH's presence ie weekends, no unplanned visits (ensure you're out unless you expressly have agreed to it?).

I'm determined not to find myself in the same situation again & am defining my boundaries now. MIL will get one chance only this time & I'm not prepared to put up with crap again. I was very vulnerable the last time (who leaves a NICU experience unscathed mentally?).

Good luck

Ps I really hope your DH grows a backbone (and mine!) xxx

diddl Sun 24-Feb-13 17:48:54

Anyway, soon you´ll be too busy to prat about skyping every bloody week.

Let your husband do it-or not!

TheBigJessie Sun 24-Feb-13 17:40:41

I feel like saying "just for once blame your son it might have been him delivering wonky sperm".

Sounds like a great idea to me!

HerrenaHarridan Sun 24-Feb-13 17:39:27

There are w hole bunch of nasty issues going on here and I feel for you.
You and dh need to sit down and agree ground rules. Which you both enforce.
I suggest
Only he does the Skype
Mil comes when invited after birth and only by prearrangement after.
If she does the overbearing snatchy thing you need to tell her no. And repeat.
Is she says any cruel shit about the preterm thing being your fault you need to say something along the lines of "wow, did you mean that to be so hurtful."
If the myriad of advice here doesn't do the trick maybe we can reword your op and send it as a letter.

Nanny0gg Sun 24-Feb-13 17:35:17

And make your 'D' H read this thread.
He has no right to put you through this.

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