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Because I OBVIOUSLY requested and earnt/deserved a premature baby (yes it's a MIL one)

(69 Posts)
MiaowTheCat Sun 24-Feb-13 15:32:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Downandoutnumbered Sun 24-Feb-13 18:56:44

Could you got to your Mum's when you have DC2? I do see that you can't physically bar her from your house, but if I were you I wouldn't want to be there. It sounds as though your Mum is more supportive than your DH, sadly.

MiaowTheCat Sun 24-Feb-13 18:59:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Sun 24-Feb-13 19:00:40

Wow OP, I am also suffering with SPD (although now it is labelled as PGP and nobody knows what that is so I say SPD instead grin)

I have had a hell of a weekend in pain, miserable, house bound and quite frankly at the point of telling the world to fuck the fuck off for the next 4.5 weeks til DS is here.

Obviously I am hormonal, in pain and irrational.

I don't have a cow of a MIL to worry about with opinions that are unhelpful and not asked for.

You have my utter sympathy. My advise:

1) Switch Skype off (oh look, you computer is broken...oh what a shame MIL, we'll catch up v.soon --when hell freezes over--)
2) Give DH a kick up the arse and ask him to stop being a dick and support you.
3) No more advice but I find eating chocolate and junk food satisfying (yes i know that will bite my behind eventually but this last weekend I don't care!)

HilaryClinton Sun 24-Feb-13 19:27:31

Well if he doesn't do assertive you'll have to. I think parents and parents in law sometimes struggle to see that their children are Adults. Obviously it is better to be assertive from day 1, but better late than never. Being assertive marks you as someone not to be messed with. If you think DD1 is getting bored calmly say so and walk away. Any digs about premature labour just say "gosh, it comes across that you BLAME me for last time, is that true". Just say to her. I've decided not to have visitors for the first three weeks and deflect all arguments think through what she might say have an answer.

HilaryClinton Sun 24-Feb-13 19:29:05

Sorry did she actually say you did something to cause premature labour the last time?

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 24-Feb-13 19:32:44


So your dh dislikes rocking the boat with his family but he's happy to rock the boat your sat in.

Nothing pisses me off more than this whole ohhh the dads got an equal right to decide who visits when your home from they don't and until they are the ones sat there having pushed a baby out and dealing with the recovery from doing so they won't.

If hospitals weren't such annoying places and it wasnt so impossible with other children I would say bring back the every mother getting to stay being looked after by people with there interests at heart for 3 weeks after.

You should be being protected from this bad behaviour. No matter what stage you deliver.

If it were me I would disengage from her until I was able to cope with her.that means no Skype and no visits

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 24-Feb-13 19:33:28

I'd go nuts at anyone that took my baby out of my arms!

Viviennemary Sun 24-Feb-13 19:37:16

I was ready to sympathise with your mil but once I had read all your post I think you should tell her that she can't come and that's the end of it. No, no and no again. Till it gets through. But try and be nice about it if you can. Good luck.

nickelbabe Sun 24-Feb-13 19:38:56

of course another option is to say to dh, "I'm so fucking fed up to death of you siding with your mother that eitger I am going to take dd and stay with my mum until after the baby is born or you are going to stay with your mother and keep the fuck away from me"

basicalky, your dh needs to step up to the plate, listen to his wife and stand up to his mother.
thestress is not going to do you or the baby any good.

and fucking cut off theskype - you're not beholden to the witch.

nickelbabe Sun 24-Feb-13 19:40:22

also, you could take matters into your own hands and ask the ward staff to refuse entry to the interfering over-the-mark-stepping old cow

LiegeAndLief Sun 24-Feb-13 19:45:33

Your problem is not MIL. Not fundamentally. It's your dh.

I've also had a prem baby and a MIL who tried to make it into my fault. Dh hung up on her and then unplugged the phone socket. If he had said nothing I'm not sure i could have hung around.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 21:10:57

I think you are in denial about the absolute vileness of your MIL and the total wetness of your DP. Until you deal with this you are only going to be a victim. Sorry but that's true.

littlemonkeychops Sun 24-Feb-13 21:44:49

Watch out Op, your last post hints at the cycle i was stuck in - i'd be anxious and stressed about Pil, but then tell myself that oh they could be worse and that often they seemed nice, and that Dh us so lovely in general that his not standing up to them was because he's nice etc etc.

Basically this is trying to talk yourself out of how you feel and leads you to the conclusion that "oh if they're not that bad in some ways it must be me being irrational" etc.

No, how you are feeling is valid and justified and you and Dh need to address it.

It took my anxiety reaching crazy levels, and a lot of reading posts on MN to make me realise that actually i didn't need to out up with it (thanks MN!).

So yes show your Dh this thread, not in a "see everyone thinks you're wrong" way, but as a way of showing him just how stressed and upset by it you are.

If he's lovely as you say then he'll back you up.

Pickles101 Sun 24-Feb-13 22:13:50

Why do you Skype every week?
OP, I am annoyed on your behalf. Smack her round the chops and tell her to fuck off.

No matter how kind she may have been in the past, she's not being very kind now and you are now way indebted to her. If he doesn't get hints, don't hint.

kalidanger Sun 24-Feb-13 22:23:12

littlemonkey Wete you the poster whose PIL used to let themselves into your house while you were chilling out, naked and pregnant? I hope so (!) because its fantastic news that you got everything sorted smile

Yfronts Sun 24-Feb-13 22:23:13

1) Stop skyping and be nowhere in the background while MIL is on skype. Tell your DH he is doing the Skype from now on. Email MIL and DH and say that you are officially handing the skype contact over to DH as you are too tired.

2) Also tell MIL that you look forward to her visit after the birth but that you will need time to bond first and so you request they come the day after you arrive home. Putting it in writing firmly/politely means your needs can be seen. If your DH is too weak to back you, that's his problem as you can tell the midwifes you don't want MIL visit. They will refuse her entry.

2) Just before the MIL arrives put your new baby in a sling. Refuse to move baby as baby is so happy and content there. It's the one sure way of keeping the baby close if you need to bond.

Yfronts Sun 24-Feb-13 22:28:27

Tell your DH you will be going to your mothers/friends house if MIL arrives before you are ready.

EldritchCleavage Mon 25-Feb-13 00:14:15

I would end your involvement in the Skype call as of now. Let your DH do it, if he wants to. It's one thing for her to be insensitive and unkind, quite another for her and your DH to expect you to sit there passively and listen to it.

And I would give DH a taste of what his mother gives him-less discussion about what you want and why, more recitations of what is going to happen and when. As long as you are reasonable and his mother is demanding, MIL is going to get her way. it's less painful for DH to annoy you.

I'm not suggesting you become a complete cow to either of them, just say no calmly and firmly and stick to it. So tell DH what the post-birth plan is, and say that while of course MIL is welcome to visit you just won't wear his mother turning up whenever she wants. Easy for me to say of course, but I do think trying to get DH to understand is too difficult right now-better to work on getting your own way, whether he understands or not.

littlemonkeychops Mon 25-Feb-13 13:36:18

No kalidanger that wasn't me thankfully we managed to dodge the giving them a key issue when we last moved (just the thought of them having a key brings me out in a cold sweat!).

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