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Because I OBVIOUSLY requested and earnt/deserved a premature baby (yes it's a MIL one)

(69 Posts)
MiaowTheCat Sun 24-Feb-13 15:32:51

So frustrated I could explode at the moment (and no hope of support from DH on this one either). Just had the weekly horror of the "grandchild expected to be sat on Skype so I can sit in splendour, do naff all actually WITH her and chat AT her about how nasty her mummy and daddy are making her sit here and be bored" call with her. I was always a relative defender of MILs - knowing and admitting mine was, at times, very annoying - but she became increasingly ridiculous last pregnancy - and my tolerance dropped a helluva lot. She was a great help - but still her behaviour just made a really tough time (DD1 was the best part of 2 months prem, I had a horrific hospital stay with her, horrible case of birth trauma and just generally a very very dark time in my life - to the extent I regard our "family" life as beginning when we drove out of the hospital carpark together)... from the absolutely awful hystrionics when she first saw DD1 (who was an exceptionally cute looking baby, utterly perfectly formed - just on the dinky side), to shoving me aside so I didn't get to participate in the first bath (I had asked some of the ward staff to help me get my head around the logistics of bathing a baby that came in XXsmall!) and spent it shoved into a corner feeling like utter crap. I had her quizzing me with my expressed breast milk yields like some kind of fucking dairy cow - just total scrutiny all the time.

Since then I've had ridiculous amounts of pressure piled on regarding weaning and comments about how she MUST eat the couple of things I dislike or it'll be some kind of picky-eater armageddon - EVERY SINGLE FUCKING WEEKLY CALL. Hubby made the mistake of mentioning that DD wasn't too keen on her first taste of salmon - that became some massive source of inquisition for weeks on end (hell - this is probably the least-picky eater child I know out of any in my social circle)... and teeth - because obviously we're purposely withholding teeth out of spite (and it ain't for lack of drool/cheeks you could roast marshmallows over they're so hot and red), crawling - everything like that she basically goes into utter denial shutdown talk-over-you mode if you dare mention that she might do these things slightly later than the "norm" (or indeed the perfect other grandchild) because of the prematurity thing. She doesn't have a single photo on-show of DD in her house prior to her feeding tube being removed - it's ridiculous, and it makes me quite cross because I REFUSE to have DD feel stigmatised or any degree of shame over the fact that she came early and had to go in a special box to keep her warm and safe like in mummy's tummy for a little while till she was big and strong. Yet if we visit her - it's like this black hole in time where she simply didn't exist till she was aesthetically pleasing enough to be shown in public. We won't even add in the endless comments about how DD is being pretty much expected to be pulling the dogs' tails - both sides of that equation are kept very very well segregated and being taught from the outset how to get along and act acceptably toward each other - I refuse to allow a toddler aggravating a family pet to be viewed as inevitable or acceptable behaviour. We've said this time and time again it gets ignored.

Anyway - I'm pregnant again, absolutely racked with SPD and in horrific pain, struggling to physically cope because of this - my mum's running up and down the country trying to balance helping me out along with her own committments... I'm almost at the point where labour started last time - so understandably I'm bricking it about that... so on our weekly Skype today, as well as the endless jibes about how unfair and boring we are to make DD sit on there (when SHE bloody well demands it), we had loads of comments basically digging away that I must have done something to cause the prematurity last time - that I need to rest because that'll stop it this time (I was knackered last time, had packed in work and was doing nowt BUT rest - that didn't help then lol - and this time I have a 10 month old to deal with), then loads of "oh I hope we don't see you for at least another month" (note the assumption I want her down here when this baby's born - I really don't want the stress, the judgement, scrutiny and the undermining of confidence that she's been up to ever since DD1 was born)... just dig dig dig dig about the fact that I dared (and of course it's my fault - I feel like saying "just for once blame your son it might have been him delivering wonky sperm") to go prematurely last time.

Hubby refuses to back me on this - so I'm on my own and will get no choice in her coming down at all - she'll steamroller in, grab the babies (out of my arms if needs be) and shove me bodily out of the way (I've literally had to change a shitty nappy before with her head 2 cm away from DD1's face and me trying to change it down the business end - she didn't take the polite hint of "can you just be careful there, I don't want to get any of this on you" at all and just continued).

Last fucking thing I need to deal with right now - and I can't be assertive with her - because a) it just gets ignored anyway and b) they've given us so much help we're kind of indebted to them.

DebbieLovesDallas Sun 24-Feb-13 16:18:51

I think your DH needs a big fucking shove up the backside to be perfectly honest with you. shock It's is appalling that he has allowed his mother to treat you in such a disgusting manner! He should be ashamed of himself! angry He's the one who needs to grow a bloody pair, he should be protecting you, not calling you bloody irrational! FFS! You have a 10 month old, who was 2 months premature, you had a traumatic birth AND you're heavily pregnant again! He should not be letting this happen.

Can you ask your mother to have a word with MIL and tell her to back the fuck off? You are very vulnerable right now and you need the people around you to be supporting you, not vilifying you and calling you irrational. hmm In fact give me your MIL's email and I'll tell her to bloody well back off, cheeky cow! (Her, not you). angry

Dawndonna Sun 24-Feb-13 16:24:48

Tell her she is welcome to come.....
to an empty house, because if she turns up or threatens to turn up uninvited by you then you will be at your Mother's place. And go.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:29:03

Yes DebbieLoves(Does)Dallas, he is a pathetic excuse of a man. OP please show him this.

YouTheCat Sun 24-Feb-13 16:30:13

Yes, show him, Miaow. Not one person who has posted thinks you are being unreasonable to want a bit of space with your baby away from the mil.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 16:31:57

My little sister was also 2 months premature, so i knew that having a premature baby is a terrifying experience, you dont need this stress with the new baby coming.

You need to have a really honest discussion with your husband, because he should be atleast telling his mother to stop.

littlemonkeychops Sun 24-Feb-13 16:35:20

Oh OP i can so sympathise!

My Pil (who i previously got on ok with) have been awful since DD was born, nowhere near as bad as your Mil but still for me it's been bad.

I'm due with no.2 in May and was suffering such anxiety that i've beenfor counselling. My Dh previously struggled to be supportive and it had gotten to the point where i felt i was being irrational and it was all "my issues" causing it.

Counselling has given me the strength to realise it is not my problemscausing this and i am allowed to feel like this. I've discussed it all with Dh and he knows now that we need to be a team, i basically said that either we are a team and my happiness and that of our little family comes first or this will become a big issue in our marriage.

But, and it's a huge but, i will not be relying on Dh to handle it, i am going to be decisive and confident in my own right. Eg this week i just said nope to skype, said he was welcome to do it by himself (whivh he did) but as i knew it would leave me feeling anxious i didn't want to. End of. And i will be setting the rules when the baby comes, i will say when i feel up to seeing people, what others want does not interest me. If we draw the curtains and switch off the phone so be it.

Sorry for the long reply, i guess what i'm saying is you are not being irrational, how you feel is perfectly valid. Explain to Dh exactly how you feel, very clearly, and how you want him to support you, but don't rely on him, take back some control yourself and if they try and engage in arguments about it just disengage and ignore.

Good luck.

Euphemia Sun 24-Feb-13 16:37:27

Time to put your foot down. YOU are the mum now, not her. You are the chief female in the family, not her.

If DH tells you she's coming, clear off out. No Skype. Shutdown time.

diddl Sun 24-Feb-13 16:37:40

"He doesn't do assertive or protecting his family naturally"

How convenient for him!

Have you anywhere you could go to if they turn up?

Obviously if he wants his parents there at some time-OK-but it´s got to be suitable for you both.

And if he's going to piss off to work & leave you-then no bloody way.

If you´re the one at home then you get to say who visits you!

maidmarian2012 Sun 24-Feb-13 16:45:32

These should be the happiest times of your life OP. Please dont let your MIL spoil things for your own little family. She sounds like a bully to me.

How dare she treat you in this way. Please stand up to her.

Sometimes a good bollocking does people good. Honestly. smile

ChristmasJubilee Sun 24-Feb-13 16:47:35

"I'm sorry, that won't work for me." And repeat.


PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:52:50

Yes yes Christmas, if he won't man up you will have to do it for him OP.

kalidanger Sun 24-Feb-13 16:54:22

littlemonkey Good for you thanks

sittinginthesun Sun 24-Feb-13 17:01:16

I think you need to take control of this.

Your MIL is only a woman. You do not need to bend over backwards trying to please her. Do what you feel is right, and if doesn't like if, then it is her problem. Her issue.

And what she says or gossips to your SIL is irrelevant. Just ignore it.

Work out what you want - when do you want to talk to her, when do you want to see her after the birth, and for how long. Then tell your DH that you have been thinking about it, and made a decision. He'll probably be glad that you are taking charge, if he's not keen on it himself.

My MIL tends to take over, but there are times when I have had to lay down the ground rules. To be fair, she sticks to them.

You are in control here!

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 17:04:07

Sometimes you just need to put people in their place, dont be scared too, your perfectly in your right to do it.

MarkGruffalohohoho Sun 24-Feb-13 17:15:13

brew thanks

His Mum - He can skype with baby on lap if need be - Where are you? As per her unwanted advice, you are resting.
If she does the 'Naughty daddy making you sit here bored' bullshittery he agrees with her and brings baby to you, leaving him with mother-son time (EVIL CACKLE)

or as someone else suggests find an excuse to ditch skype and he makes the weekly calls to Mommy dearest. She sounds delightful.

You also need to make it clear no visits til you are ready - no she won't like it but tough tits. I said no visitors for 3 weeks then relented - bloody stupid of me. Second time round no visitors for 6 weeks, stuck to it and had a 3 week babymoon. Will be doing the same with the next one.

If people don't like it and it makes me a selfish cow sorry but tough and I'd rather be selfish with a bonded happy baby than stressed and depressed and resentful.

Good Luck x

leeloo1 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:17:00

Can you not think of sarcastic replies to her rudeness on skype?

So each time she says 'oh poor DD, why is mummy so mean to make you sit there getting bored?' then either take DD off to play or put her down with toys so MIL can't see her, saying 'you're right MIL, DD is getting a bit bored we'd better put her back with her toys. Off you go DD'. - After all, what can MIL say when she's the one who commented on her being bored? grin

If she says 'you need to rest so you don't have another premmie.' Say 'Wow MIL, is that what caused my early labour??? I must tell the Drs as they said it was due to xyz/didn't know what caused it.'

It must be so frustrating and upsetting for you, but you need to find a way to stand up for yourself if no-one else will.

littlemonkeychops Sun 24-Feb-13 17:23:45

Thanks kalidanger.

Honestly Op, at first it feels like a massive deal to be assertive, but once you start you realise, as sittinginthesun says she's just a woman and actually has zilch control over you. It's quite liberating.

You have nothing to lose, you Mil in law won't change her behavioyr and nor will your Dh it seems, but you can change your behaviour.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 24-Feb-13 17:27:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBigJessie Sun 24-Feb-13 17:35:04

Wow. You have the self-control of a saint. One of my relatives (alternative health therapist, thinks she's God's gift to obstetrics) told me ONCE that I'd caused the twins' prem birth, (strangely enough, she totally contradicted my consultant grin ) and I nearly told her she was a thick, insensitive, arrogant know-it-all!

Time to take the advice of wiser people than me up above. I think you need to have a little less self-control, now!

Nanny0gg Sun 24-Feb-13 17:35:17

And make your 'D' H read this thread.
He has no right to put you through this.

HerrenaHarridan Sun 24-Feb-13 17:39:27

There are w hole bunch of nasty issues going on here and I feel for you.
You and dh need to sit down and agree ground rules. Which you both enforce.
I suggest
Only he does the Skype
Mil comes when invited after birth and only by prearrangement after.
If she does the overbearing snatchy thing you need to tell her no. And repeat.
Is she says any cruel shit about the preterm thing being your fault you need to say something along the lines of "wow, did you mean that to be so hurtful."
If the myriad of advice here doesn't do the trick maybe we can reword your op and send it as a letter.

TheBigJessie Sun 24-Feb-13 17:40:41

I feel like saying "just for once blame your son it might have been him delivering wonky sperm".

Sounds like a great idea to me!

diddl Sun 24-Feb-13 17:48:54

Anyway, soon you´ll be too busy to prat about skyping every bloody week.

Let your husband do it-or not!

lotsofcheese Sun 24-Feb-13 17:51:34

Miaow - I really feel for you, having been in a similar position with a premature child, a DP who wouldn't stand up to his DM & am 6 months pregnant.

Firstly, have you been offered any counselling regarding PTSD & it's effect in your current pregnancy? Your GP, obstetrician or midwife should be able to refer you.

Secondly, I agree with opting out of Skype with MIL. Why put yourself through that?

Thirdly, perhaps think about some boundaries eg only seeing MIL in DH's presence ie weekends, no unplanned visits (ensure you're out unless you expressly have agreed to it?).

I'm determined not to find myself in the same situation again & am defining my boundaries now. MIL will get one chance only this time & I'm not prepared to put up with crap again. I was very vulnerable the last time (who leaves a NICU experience unscathed mentally?).

Good luck

Ps I really hope your DH grows a backbone (and mine!) xxx

quietbatperson Sun 24-Feb-13 18:41:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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