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to nearly be caught short in waitrose in the loo department.....TMI alert..

(99 Posts)
wintertimeisfun Sat 23-Feb-13 17:42:17

by being so embarassed. had an orange in the cafe in ikea with dd which for some reason decided to not stay for long. was in w'rose and had to RUSH with dd in tow to the ladies. one loo not working. by the time it was my turn there was another two women in the queue. i couldn't keep it in so in a feeble attempt to disguise the sound i asked dd to check what was on my shopping list (she was the other side of the door). i was crying with laughter nearly as she was reading out the most ridiculous stuff from my shopping list as the same time i was desperately trying to disguise what was going on the other side of the door.........i felt so sorry for the other women waiting patiently to go in. tbh if i had been her i would have done anything NOT to have gone in after me sad

Sparklingbrook Sat 23-Feb-13 21:26:19

I think it must be easier to poo in public loos if you are a male digerd. sad

BreadForMyBREADGUN Sat 23-Feb-13 21:32:05

Is this what the poo troll looks like? grin

digerd Sat 23-Feb-13 21:46:36

Oh yes, Sparkling it was your DH - I've just burst out laughing again.

ShoutyHead Sat 23-Feb-13 21:53:08

For those saying food can't go through you so quickly, perhaps not if you have normal bowel functions. However prior to surgery my body used to simply reject certain foods.

If I ate takeaway pizza from one shop I knew I had to be near a toilet because 15 minutes later I would be running to the toilet and the explosions were epic.

I was a living breathing poo troll. However a botched c section knicked my twisted bowel and found the problem grin

Illgetmegoat Sat 23-Feb-13 22:08:25

Winter - please don't feed your DD a mouse sad that would give anyone the squits!

I have Crohn's and toilet shyness - this is a combination I wouldn't wish on anyone. However, I now have a sphincter of steel due to sheer force of anxious will power <insert bumsex joke here>. I also have a great 'penguin on a hot rock' walk for those tricky times.
I have had to use shop loos to do terrible burning acid poos before now and have hidden, in silence, until the room was empty before sneaking out and blending into the crowd because I am pathetic.

I rarely go into Marks now because I always have a terrible experience in their toilets - one was a poor elderly lady that had pooed her knickers and it was all up the stall wall (she got it everywhere trying to remove her soiled goods poor lamb) and was in the cubicle forlornly doing that quiet shout 'can someone help me please? Can anyone help me?' she was very embarrassed, luckily my shame empathy helped us both out even though I nearly got collared for stealing some big pants and a new skirt to take to her. The next was getting hit on my bare ankle by the next door cubicle's used tampon - it took a second to recover from that. The third was walking in to a woman copiously vomiting in the sink and it splahed down my sleeve. Fourth was sitting waiting for my mother when some women started to use the sinks for blowing out all the snot in their bodies, blocking one nostril and blowing down the other, for several minutes; then wiping their faces, doing their make up and leaving the sink, side and mirrors covered in snot and spit. I was sat there at 7m pregnant just gently retching and weeping to myself and the cleaner was looking at me like we'd been through some kind of horrific experience together - we were snot sisters. I did help her clean up though and bought her a cuppa. Jeez I could go on - always M&S, always awful, your emergency, actually in the toilet poo wouldn't phase me at all!

fuckwittery Sat 23-Feb-13 22:11:09

Loo paper down first to mask plop sound and flush as you plop. helps with unpleasant smell as well. It's a loo though, people kind of expect people to take a shit in them? Poo with pride woman!

JeeanieYuss Sat 23-Feb-13 22:44:20

Haven't read whole of thread but toilet roll in the loo before you 'drop' <snigger> is your friend, pile it up high n it masks the sound!
I used to suffer from I.b.s, so I feel your pain..

JeeanieYuss Sat 23-Feb-13 22:45:09

Teach me to not read whole thread, fuckwittery beat me to it smile

Fakebook Sat 23-Feb-13 22:55:30

I've never pooed in a public toilet ever. After reading this thread I am so thankful for that!

HumanDancer Sat 23-Feb-13 22:57:02

Toilet roll in the bowl masks the plop but not the explosion sounds.

wintertimeisfun Sat 23-Feb-13 23:04:16

fuck 'poo with pride' smile Illge i don't think i will ever look at m&s in the same way again! blimey. i can't believe women 'blowing' their noses into the sinks in a public place AND not washing it away and that poor lady who had messed herself. not sure how i would have reacted but i would like to think i would have done as you did, i probably would have in knowing what i am like. i have suffered acute panic attacks all my life. one of the main symptoms for me has always affected my needing to go urgently. made for some interesting moments over the years.

Illgetmegoat Sat 23-Feb-13 23:16:40

Winter - with my Crohn's any kind of strong emotion - getting anxious, stressed, angry or in one case blush blush luckily with DH, an amazing orgasm - has made my bowel play silly beggars and it's horrible. I have total sympathy - it's quite hard trying to explain the anxious/need the loo/more anxiety re situation/need loo more catch 22 to someone that has either never had it or just poos freely wherever! My DH now quantifies my crossness with 'are you angry angry or shit the bed angry?' lol, not that I have ever done that but most of our few arguments are enacted through the bathroom door!

Seriously, don't go to Marks' - we couldn't believe it either but I guess some people have no shame about anything!

I used to always get an upset tummy from broccoli cheddar soup at this local cafe - which happens to be the only damned soup my kids will touch, and a favourite meal, so I got used to having 30 minutes to get home before losing it. Once it was even faster than normal, and I could barely walk the few blocks home, clenching and stopping every few paces and trying to stagger back before losing all control.

I made it, slowly and excruciatingly, up the two flights of stairs to my front door. I was starting to feel safe - I was there! So close... I unlocked the door and was about to run in, when it didn't open. My bastard husband had double locked it. I can never open the bottom lock in less than five minutes.

I should have made him wash my clothes >:-(

Jacksmania Sun 24-Feb-13 05:58:46

It's a toilet. People don't queue up in a loo and expect to hear the sound of angels singing...

grin grin grin

scratchandsniff Sun 24-Feb-13 08:56:48

I've been crying with laughter at these.

For some reason the concentration of picking out a birthday card is guaranteed to get me doing the 'poo jig' to the nearest loos.

This will probably out me if she reads mumsnet - on a trip to London with a friend to visit another friend we walked along the south bank and had some lunch and then went for a wander. My friend bought some of those warm honey peanuts sold by a street seller on one of the bridges. Shortly after we were on the tube. Approx 10mins in to the journey I looked up at her and she'd gone deathly pale and had beads of sweat on her brow. Through staring intently and sign language of a sort (packed carriage) we deciphered that she felt unwell. The next stop was Euston station. We got onto the platform where poor friend collapsed on to the platform clutching her tummy. Oh god we thought this looks really bad. She managed to mouth that she needed to get to a loo NOW. We managed to prop her up and help her up the escalator. I stood behind her as feared an accident would be imminent all the while thinking it was not good that she had on pale trousers. We just about got her into a toilet cubicle after paying 10p. She was in there for nearly 2 hours. Whenever we checked her we were retching with the stench. Other people walked in and promptly walked out. One of us was despatched to boots to buy wet wipes. We seriously wondered how on earth we were going to get her home. It was awful at the time as she was so violently ill so quickly, but we do all chuckle about it now. We think it must have been the nuts. Oh and this is a friend who normally only poops once a week.

rockofages Sun 24-Feb-13 09:47:14

Hilarious thread. At the end of a dinner party with dh's work colleagues and wives ( who I did not know well) I decided to go to the downstairs loo before the drive home. Needed to go but struggling and all guests chose that moment to come and stand in hall right outside loo door. I was in there a while as gone beyond point of no return. Cue noisy splashes. Flushed loo three times, having to wait for cistern to refill each time, to try to get rid of persistent floater. Really embarrassed by now and dh making unhelpful comments, giggles from other guests. Floater still in toilet bowl so what's a girl to do? Picked floater out, wrapped it in loo paper and put it in my handbag! Emerged red-faced into hall and said thanks, goodbye, made a hasty exit. Moral of the story - always take your bag into the loo.

Imaginethat Sun 24-Feb-13 11:35:25

You took your poo home in your bag? Really?! Wow.

My brother's girlfriend had a poo attack on a bus in India and had to rip bits off her dress to clean up as they hurtled along...

redandyellowandpinkandgreen Sun 24-Feb-13 15:22:33

This is the best thread ever grin

WildThong Sun 24-Feb-13 15:49:43

I love a good poo thread.

It's happened to the best of us. For me it was in Queen St station in Glasgow, I was beyond desperate the cold sweat running down my back and tummy doing somersaults. I managed to shimmy to the loos without moving my bum to discover a frikkin TURNSTYLE and coin entry. Correct Change only of course!

Made it to the cubicle but unfortunately not the actual pan. Floor and walls looked like CSI Investigation, spatter everywhere. Pants and tights ruined so stuck them in the sanitary bin. Talk about the walk of shame, that was a cold journey home. And draughty. I will never forget it so totally sympathise when it happens to others.

wintertimeisfun Sun 24-Feb-13 17:50:43

my dh is awful when it comes to hogging the loo. i am perimenopausal and as one of the many symptoms, so i have been told/read, find it hard to keep No. 1 in at times. point is, if i need to go i must go. fair few times i have as of late had an accident once i have come home and put my key in the lock. can't get there quick enough. odd really as i manage to hold it in for however long but mentally as soon as the front door opens it seems my mind connects with my bladder. dh thinks this is all funny which at times it is but not very practical (or charming). have been tempted with some nappy pads smile

Moominlandmidwinter Sun 24-Feb-13 18:53:02

This thread is so funny! I have been getting some weird looks. I will never, ever use M&S toilets. Have just remembered another story.

I was 14, and had just got home from school. Unfortunately, I realised that I'd left my key behind that morning, and parents wouldn't be home for at least an hour. Then I realised that I quite desperately needed a poo. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't do a wildy, as my parents garden goes around the side of the house, is fenced but still quite exposed. There was no option, to ask the miserable bastard next door if I could use his loo. He reluctantly showed me to his spider-ridden outside toilet. The relief was immense, but of course there was no toilet paper. I had to wipe with my pants and socks, then hid them in my school bag until I could bury them in the wheelie bin.

Kaida Sun 24-Feb-13 19:15:38

To the posters who queried it, of course food doesn't go through that quickly, but the gastro-intestinal reflex can certainly make it seem like it has! It's that reflex that's often a bit squiffy in IBS sufferers. Common triggers are fatty foods, caffeine, insoluble fibre and stress. I'm really happy to be reminded it's not just me who goes hot and cold and panics whilst calculating distance to the nearest loo. That said, my IBS has been better recently (touch wood) since starting some hypnotherapy.

flangledoodle Sun 24-Feb-13 19:21:02

Am loving this thread, my 7 and 10 yr olds keep insisting I tell them what I'm laughing about and have had to dispatch one to go and get my inhaler as all the laughing has set me off wheezing. Class.

pinkyredrose Sun 24-Feb-13 19:43:56

When I was about 13 I had a morning paper round. I overslept one day so just threw clothes on and ran out the door.

Halfway through delivering papers I suddenly needed a wee really badly, it was actually painful. In my 13yr old wisdom I decided to take the opportunity to pee in someones porch. Halfway through a monumental piss the porch door opened and the house owner walked in!

I literally ran pulling my jeans up as I went. I gave up the paper round after that

BlackholesAndRevelations Sun 24-Feb-13 19:44:30

Nothing too embarrassing really but I once blocked my friend's loo in her studio apartment style student residence. She was right outside the bathroom on her bed. The poo was Lodged in the tiny u bend and I flushed and flushed and in the end, had to shove it with the loo brush. Then rinse the brush with another flush... When I came out I was shaking! I said, "er, I blocked, er..." and had to lie down for a rest!! She just said "was it a big one?" grin

I am the type who struggles to poo anywhere but at home, which = constipation whenever I travel away from home... Not good!

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