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to think this waa an awful way to behave? re: estranged DSC

(282 Posts)
alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 12:35:36

DP has two children with ex wife. When we first met he had lots of contact, his ex moved 50 miles away and contact gradually reduced because of that and starting school etc. His shift meant he could only have them for weekends every six weeks or so but then it could be several in a row plus plenty of annual leave in school holidays to have them. His ex insisted he have them alternate weekends which he couldn't do so she said he'd have to take her to court to formally sort contact. This was 16 months ago and he's done nothing to resolve contact. I have encouraged and supported but he is burying his head in the sand big time and actually believes the kids will grow up and decide to live with us.
Anyway,yesterday we were at an ice skating/swimming pool venue with my elder DD and the DD we have together when DP saw his exes dad, making it very likely his children were there with him. DP wanted to leave, despite having travelled sixty miles to get there. I didn't know what to do for the best but in the end I took my children swimming while DP pretty much hid. It just left me thinking how awful it would've been if DSC had seen DP from a distance playing happy families with our children, or wondering what he'd do if he/we did bump into them and whether his children would even recognise him. I could see him physically relax as we drove away and it makes me so sad for his children :-( his parents live between us and where DSC live so bumping into them at local events is always going to have the potential to happen. AIBU to think it's an awful situation that needs resolving for all involved sake, obviously particularly the children.

Samu2 Mon 25-Feb-13 17:33:56

You had children with this man?

I am amazed that my dad has managed to father 14 children he doesn't see. His partners all assumed that he would be different with their children.

Ha, what a joke!

WilsonFrickett Mon 25-Feb-13 17:11:31

He's not weak at all. I suspect you need to think that he is weak because then you can 'fix' him. But he's not weak, his manipulative. I also suspect he hid from the FIL because the FIL would have looked right through him and walked right past him - why on earth would the FIL want him in his GC's life? - but that wouldn't fit in with the view of himself he wants you to have.

pinkyredrose Mon 25-Feb-13 15:35:05

How are you today OP?

swallowedAfly Mon 25-Feb-13 08:05:40

he's a vampire basically. or as my friend says - in life there are drains and radiators.

some people add to life, some people just take away and will suck the life out of anyone willing to offer them a jugular to sink their teeth into.

WhatKindofFool Mon 25-Feb-13 07:36:17

I've just read the posts about a "cocklodger". Great expression! This ex of mine was one of those too. He also left me with no warning and with serious financial problems which were incurred because of him.

WhatKindofFool Mon 25-Feb-13 07:22:04

The mother sounds like an idiot but the father has not fought for his kids. The 2 year old will have forgotten him. Unfortunately, I've seen fathers behave like this before. In fact, I had an ex boyfriend who had behaved in a similar way. He had his excuses and I wanted to see the good in him so I fell for them. He turned out to be someone who was lacking in basic human qualities in many other aspects of his life and was very destructive to many other people around him as a result. He was a total coward who put his own needs way ahead of anyone else's.

now that I see him for who he really is I despise him.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 25-Feb-13 01:50:25

What on earth are you getting out of being with this man, OP?

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 25-Feb-13 01:41:35

" He isn't charming and devious, he's weak and fears confrontation more than losing his children."
He appears to be is whatever it takes to get what he wants. Which seems to be living a life with no responsibilities. What confrontation could he possibly fear with a woman who wants him to see his children every other weekend and midweek? She didn't stop him having access, he did that. Please please please, look at what he does rather than listen to what he says.

BratinghamPalace Mon 25-Feb-13 01:40:20

OP I am going to sign off but just wanted to wish you luck with all of this. It seems to me that he landed on his feet with you. Cannot be easy to have the world thrown at you on this thread and all through you stood your ground and seemed to face it head on. You showed a lot of courage. Now you have so much to reflect on. If a man won't hold his baby for 15 minutes, not only but manipulates you by making her cry then I think you have all your answers. Your future should be about you and your DCs. However you implement that I wish you the best of luck.

Bobyan Mon 25-Feb-13 00:48:55

He's not weak he's a shit and unfortunately it looks like you're in line to be the next woman he uses.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 24-Feb-13 23:56:11

My dad is a weak man: I suspect that my stepmother was responsible for our relationship, not him. She warned me when he divorced her for an OW that it would be up to me to maintain contact.

He calls me once every 2 or 3 years. I despise his weakness.

marfisa Sun 24-Feb-13 23:25:42

He may be 'weak', but he's not doing too badly for a weak person.

He doesn't have to do any looking after his own DC; his wife and his girlfriend (you!) are doing that for him. He's also able to stay at yours on a regular basis without contributing to finances, domestic duties, etc.

The stance of being 'weak' is allowing him to get away with a hell of a lot. He sits around passively, doesn't divorce his ex, doesn't parent his DC, doesn't lend you a hand around the house.

He is going to keep being like this until you stop letting him get away with it. You aren't responsible for the way he's dumped his first two DC, but you're responsible for the way he's treating you and your DDs. You're LETTING him do it.

It sounds to me like you effectively have three DC instead of two.

MidniteScribbler Sun 24-Feb-13 23:17:19

You're deluding yourself if you think that he will be any different with your children than he is with his other children. He doesn't want to see them, that's why he has no contact. Everything else is just a piss poor excuse to make you think that he is the one that is hard done by and the victim. He'll find plenty of excuses to not see your children, and he'll be telling the next patsy who he manages to knock up all the same things that he told you. WAKE UP!

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 24-Feb-13 23:16:24

His way won't work for the children because he's not interested in there needs he's only interested in his own so he will keep chopping and changing moving the goal posts until you snap because its actively harming the children and then he can do exactly the same and blame you for his lack of commitment to his kids.

OptimisticPessimist Sun 24-Feb-13 23:16:22

I'm pretty sure that if you split, no matter how reasonable you were he'd find a way to stop seeing the child/ren you have together and make it your fault.

Spero Sun 24-Feb-13 23:13:13

When they are weak, believe me, they stay weak. That way, they never have to take responsibility. It sounds as though it would be less exhausting without him, at least then you won't be held to ransom to a future that likely doesnt exist.

Weak selfish men just carry on, until they have run out of victims.

alisunshine29 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:12:21

The thing is, if we were separated I would give him contact on his terms if that was working for the children. Having a years notice of dates to plan around would be fine by me.

alisunshine29 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:08:33

I am coping with a lot alone and yes, I'm exhausted. Talk is always of how it 'will be' but it feels so far away. He isn't charming and devious, he's weak and fears confrontation more than losing his children.

PatriciaHolm Sun 24-Feb-13 23:01:47

"he said 'please let Me always be their dad."

He's already setting you up for a future in which he's not around. For when you wise up, and he moves on to the next younger victim, and tells her you are mad/mean/vindictive etc and won't fall over yourself to give him access on his terms.

Come on; what do you actually get out of this relationship?

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 24-Feb-13 22:53:39

I expect that he looked absolutely great to the OP when she met him, swallowedAfly. He'd have made very sure of that.

swallowedAfly Sun 24-Feb-13 22:51:02

how was life when you met him OP? were you happy? secure? self confident? what was it you saw in him and made you able to overlook all of this stuff? or was it that this stuff only emerged once you were pregnant and needed to believe he was perfect/it would all be wonderful?

i think you need to do some reflection on this whole thing.

MidniteScribbler Sun 24-Feb-13 22:49:32

My opinion hasn't changed. He's a fuckwit of the highest order of fuckwittery.

I think the ex is lucky to have him out of her life, and probably would be quite happy for him to disappear in to the distance (and start sponging off yet another woman) leaving her children without his horrible influence in their lives.

Grow some balls and ditch this arse. If not for yourself, but for your children's sake.

MustafaCake Sun 24-Feb-13 22:46:41

HR person here....

Your DP does have the right to request to work flexibly in order to have regular time for his kids. This is NOT just a walk in and ask the boss for weekends off type of thing though.

It is a formal request and will be explained further in the Fire Services' flexible working policy. His union rep will be able to assist him in making his request - it should be made to HR and his manager in writing and there is a process set down in law which must be followed.

If he really wants the changes, he should head off any argument his employer could use to turn down his request, there are 8 business reasons they can turn down his request

But he hasn't done this has he? And he won't do either as he is a selfish twat of the highest order who doesn't give a shit about his kids.

What exactly is it that you like about this man?

swallowedAfly Sun 24-Feb-13 22:44:41

he doesn't have contact with those kids because he doesn't want to. he doesn't even want to spend 15minutes with your baby - how the hell would he take care of two young children for whole weekends? he doesn't want to.

swallowedAfly Sun 24-Feb-13 22:43:30

OP he can't even take responsibility for his own child for 15 minutes so that your dd can have a story with her mummy at bedtime. THAT is how selfish and uncaring and disgusting he is.

he can't sit in the living room with his baby for a quarter of an hour to let a five year old have her mummy to herself for a tiny bit of time.

wake up to what he is. even just that fact should tell you everything you need to know about him.

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