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to think this waa an awful way to behave? re: estranged DSC

(282 Posts)
alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 12:35:36

DP has two children with ex wife. When we first met he had lots of contact, his ex moved 50 miles away and contact gradually reduced because of that and starting school etc. His shift meant he could only have them for weekends every six weeks or so but then it could be several in a row plus plenty of annual leave in school holidays to have them. His ex insisted he have them alternate weekends which he couldn't do so she said he'd have to take her to court to formally sort contact. This was 16 months ago and he's done nothing to resolve contact. I have encouraged and supported but he is burying his head in the sand big time and actually believes the kids will grow up and decide to live with us.
Anyway,yesterday we were at an ice skating/swimming pool venue with my elder DD and the DD we have together when DP saw his exes dad, making it very likely his children were there with him. DP wanted to leave, despite having travelled sixty miles to get there. I didn't know what to do for the best but in the end I took my children swimming while DP pretty much hid. It just left me thinking how awful it would've been if DSC had seen DP from a distance playing happy families with our children, or wondering what he'd do if he/we did bump into them and whether his children would even recognise him. I could see him physically relax as we drove away and it makes me so sad for his children :-( his parents live between us and where DSC live so bumping into them at local events is always going to have the potential to happen. AIBU to think it's an awful situation that needs resolving for all involved sake, obviously particularly the children.

Booyhoo Sat 23-Feb-13 13:59:16

what shit excuse for a father. those poor children. all of them, yours and the ones he has with ex wife. they all deserve so much better. i'd be having serious words if i were you.

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 13:59:34

You all think the hiding part is worst but realistically - what if we had bumped into them and they'd been reminded of him only for him to still make no effort to arrange contact? That'd be worse in my opinion. He thinks they'll be choose him when they're 10/11. Lafaminute - that's precisely how he's looking at it. He also uses the no money for a court case excuse but realistically he could self represent and getting any contact would be an improvement on none.

Booyhoo Sat 23-Feb-13 14:02:44

no i dont think hiding is the worst part. but it will have been the most shockingly hurtful part for his children if they did see him (does he even know if they did?)

does he have any contact at all with them now? even on the phone?

AnnieLobeseder Sat 23-Feb-13 14:12:04

WTAF does he think they'll choose him later when they will have no idea who he is?!?! confused

You're right in that it might have been worse if they'd seen him and then been hurt when he made no effort afterwards, but if he was making any fucking effort in the first place that wouldn't be an issue, would it?!?!

I may need to hide this thread, it's too personal to me (and this is 25 years later!) and upsetting me too much.

AnnieLobeseder Sat 23-Feb-13 14:13:09

Gaaaah, I just can't leave it alone. How on gods green earth can anyone just not be bothered to see their own children?

cory Sat 23-Feb-13 14:13:17

My dh does an 80 mile commute every single day and still has the energy to interact with his children at the end of the day. I have plenty of students who travel that far every week to attend a single lecture.

Using a 50 mile distance as an excuse not to see your own children is beyond pathetic. Particularly if you are happy to travel 60 miles to go ice skating. hmm

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 14:14:00

No none, not even birthday cards. Not sure if the children were there or saw him - assumed ex FIL would be with them as it's a children's venue and no other grandchildren.

alisunshine29 Sat 23-Feb-13 14:15:40

Again, distance isn't the reason as I've already stated.

pigletmania Sat 23-Feb-13 14:18:02

That is appealing behaviour from your partner. I would be careful he does not do the same thing to you

Booyhoo Sat 23-Feb-13 14:20:12

he's a fucking ballbag.

aren't you worried/pissed off that the only reason he bothers with your children is that they are conveniently located in the house that he lives?

swallowedAfly Sat 23-Feb-13 14:24:50

the reasons (whatever you say about the ex not doing it 'his' way) are that he does not see his children as his priority. they don't govern what work he does, where he lives, what he does with his time or how far he is willing to drive. because he just doesn't give enough of a shit about them to be a parent.

parenting isn't easy. it involves lots of sacrifices and doing lots of things you'd rather not do. for me it means living somewhere i don't really want to live for example because it's the best place for my ds.

you know the real reason is just him and his choices and them not being important enough to him to actually do anything about or for. and his small little self would rather hide or run away than face the reality of their little faces.

i know you will think we're being harsh on him and you need to think that seeing as you live with this man and have had a child with him but everything else is just excuses. it is how it is because he's happy to let it be like that. his kids just aren't that important to him.

cory Sat 23-Feb-13 14:35:17

How is distance not an issue, OP? Just because he couldn't always have them at weekends, why couldn't he drive up there and back and have a cup of tea with them or go to a school play or something? How come he is not spending his leisure time organising his court case and sorting things out? Is he writing to them? Emailing them? Doing anything at bloody all?

My 12yo is putting more effort into cheering his elderly gran in her nursing home at the other end of the country than this man is putting into his own children.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 23-Feb-13 14:38:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Losingexcessweight Sat 23-Feb-13 14:40:21

Op is there more to this story? You say his ex is hard work and difficult with compromise over contact. So he may want to move on, see the kids when they are older?

Whats the point in having a miserable life because of an ex?

Sometimes its best to see the kids when they are older without their mothers input.

I understand why your dp hid. He didnt want the kids to notice him, get upset as contact is unstable etc and making himself known at the swimming pool would of confused and upset them

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 23-Feb-13 14:41:12

Why would they choose a stranger?

Sugarice Sat 23-Feb-13 14:43:08

I take it he knows how much your respect for him diminished as he hid and scurried from his ex FiL and dc's at the venue?.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Sat 23-Feb-13 14:47:57

sad shock angry That's dreadful, dreadful of him. I would really worry about how he'd treat your kids if you split. And OMG I hope neither DSC spotted him trying to hide from them.

pinkyredrose Sat 23-Feb-13 14:50:20

Sorry but to me 'burying his head in the sand' equates to 'not bothered if he sees his children or not.

If he's got time to go ice skating he's got time to 'phone them/go and see them.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 23-Feb-13 14:50:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairPhyllis Sat 23-Feb-13 14:50:43

Hang on OP, have told/are you planning to tell the child you have together that they have half-siblings? Or is he planning to keep that a secret so your child never wonders why they don't see their sibs?

thegreylady Sat 23-Feb-13 14:51:01

Oh what a weak nasty man he sounds.No one is going to choose him over a loving mother and grand parents.
There is no excuse for any of his behaviour from not 'managing' alternate weekends through no birthday cards to actually hiding from them.Why on earth would you want to be with such an excuse for a father.It takes a lot to get me furious on here but he has managed it!
angry angry angry

If my dh treated my dsc like that I would be kicking his ass out the door, I couldn't love or respect a man that treats his own children like that. You know that could be your kids being on the receiving end of that behavior one day right?

Does the useless tosser at least contribute financially?

ProphetOfDoom Sat 23-Feb-13 14:53:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunner Sat 23-Feb-13 14:57:05

My DCs bumped into their father once, having a beach party, when he told them he was at work so couldn't see them. <mind boggling>

They see more of his parents.

Sounds like your DP and my ExH are in the same 'Can't be arsed to look at my role in any of this' place. Hiding from guilt. Hiding from responsibility. Hiding from effort.

elastamum Sat 23-Feb-13 14:58:31

The poor children. The truth is their father has then so far down his list of priorities that he cant be bothered to do anything about seeing them sad

That tells so much about the kind of man he really is

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