Am I a bad friend, or is she a bridezilla?(33 Posts)
I just need to get something off my chest, and get a non-biased reaction.
A close friend got engaged just before Christmas and I was thrilled for her. I've offered to help her with a few things, as she was really helpful in my wedding, and a mutual friends & we wanted to repay the favour.
Now b2b has taken to booking wedding appointments, but rather than asking her friends if we can come, has been sending rather blunt text messages telling us of the appointments and telling us to turn up. I have tbh and say I don't like it when people assume like this, and it's really narked me. Both myself and a close friend have young babies, and she's been scheduling multiple appointments for us, no consideration for towing a baby around for hours. I'm close to speaking my mind, but I know I'll get 'you've had your day and you're being selfish about mine' response. This is absolutely not true, I love helping with occasions like this, but am not liking her attitude. Help! How can I diplomatically deal with her, she was lovely before she got engaged!
I don't mind giving her attention, think its quite natural to give a bride attention, I was just narked as since she's gotten engaged she has forgotten her manners a bit. Saying things like 'please could you come with me on these dates' or 'would you mind' would make a big difference. It's not just me, other friends have noticed this, but as I said, I think she acknowledged that shopping with a baby for several hours is hard work, and makes her bridal fitting experience less enjoyable having all her friends trying to entertain my dd rather than expressing how lovely the dresses look on her. I'd happily go with her again, but would just ask that she checked it was a time I could get a babysitter so dd isn't being towed round, and I can concentrate on helping her find the dress of her dreams. I really only want a tiny bit of consideration.
There's nothing wrong with 'expecting' (or needing) attention in some situations, and for others to give you it. The difference is between the people who demand it as part of your friendship with them, and those who have been caught up in the situation and are beyond their normal, reasonable boundaries.
By the sounds of how you've talked about her being a close friend and lovely, it's the latter.
But then, if you're expecting her to not like having her nose put out of joint by your baby being there, does that say anything about the way you feel about her realistically?
Agent zigzag, think b2b is loving the attention tbh! ;)
I'm not a bridesmaid, just a close friend. I'm hopeful that after today's experience of shopping with my dd, it's dawned on b2b that shopping isn't fun for babies, and takes the attention off her. I think she'll check babysitter availability before she asks if I can come again! ;) Happy with this outcome!
and <scared> at 250 MILs!
That would make for an interesting occasion wouldn't it?
Not the resolution you were perhaps looking for.
What makes you think she'll not ask you again because she resented the attention being deflected from her?
Sounds as though the people helping to entertain your DD were doing it so the btb could get on with her dress fitting, wouldn't she be grateful for that so you could be there with her?
Ha 250 miles, not MILs - 1 MIL is enough for me thank you
Yes, I was wondering what all these appointments were and why friends needed. Other than 1 visit to 1 dress shop I didn't ask anyone to come and do anything to help plan our wedding , was mostly done on the Internet and on the phone anyway as we got married 250 MILs from where we live
Ok, so to update situation. Went to 2 dress fittings and lunch with b2b and dd (dh away for weekend). Feel situation has sort of resolved itself. Whilst dd was fairly well behaved given long scheduled day, she did kick off a bit, and other ladies in group kept trying to help me keep her happy, as did quite a few of the bridal shop ladies. Result, attention deflected from b2b. Don't think she'll ask us along again, at least without checking dh is available to take dd.
In total I had one bridesmaid come to one wedding fair with me, a different one go bridesmaid dress shopping, and the other one went to look at wedding dresses with me (once). Plus the relevant dress fittings (for their dresses). So in total 2 appointments each at which I asked when they could make. I think she's being a bridezilla.
More than one wedding fair? I went to one and it is one of the joys of being married that I shall never have to attend another.
She is milking it - helping with a few things does not mean join her in her bridezilla madness.
YANBU - tell her what you say in your post. I had a friend who did very similar and because we all jumped through hoops to keep her happy (for however long before the wedding) she kept up the behavior and expectations THEREAFTER. Now, if nothing else, that is something to be avoided. Good luck.
Cowardly but I'd just 'miss' 1 text in 3 and be enthusiastic about
orders invitations that do give adequate notice. Take it in turns with your other pals to avoid wedding fatigue.
It's really exciting for her but it's asking a lot to crack the whip many months or weeks before the Big Day and expect everyone regardless of jobs or babies or life in general to leap to attention.
Well as you haven't said anything to her yet, I can't really gage if she IBU or not. Her reasonableness(?) can only really be judged by how she reacts to people who can't make it IYSWIM
I can't get my head around the idea of bands of friends going along to a dress fitting, or to multiple wedding fayres, even if they were all child free and had no other commitments. I wouldn't necessarily say it was 'bridezilla' though, just odd
It's asking a bit much. I would be surprised if everyone else can make all these appointments, never mind people with young babies. I think you should say that you will need notice of dates to arrange childcare. The just telling you when to turn up isn't on.
I only took my mum & mother in law to dress fittings & I remember I got carried away once and didn't say thank you to the shop lady and my mum slapped me right back down to earth and made me appolergise on the spot. I think I'm gonna have to take a leaf out of her book! ;)
Dress fittings, wedding fairs etc. I have been to a wedding fair with her already, but it would seem she wants our group to attend several?
You'll just have to start saying no to longer trips and when they aren't convenient.
Maybe those that need to attend the meetings state when they arw free and she chooses the mutually convenient one.
What are all these "wedding appointments" for, that need to involve various friends ?
Thanks ladies, really puts things in perspective. Just to give a few details, there are only 4 in our little circle, inc b2b, and we have a 3 month old and a 9 month old. I take on Holly's point about the restaurant, but tb faire we've arranged get together s which have been dare I use the word sabotaged in favour of dress fittings, so our restaurant has been switched under our nose! I guess I'm going to have to give her the next few appointments and subtly hint that it is very difficult with a 9 month old, maybe she'll get the hint if my baby has a few tantrums in her presence? But yes you are right, I need to man up and state what I can attend and make it very clear the reasons why.
I thought that Holly
The btb is probably just sending out the text then holding her breath/crossing her fingers that everyone will just jig themselves together and it'll all go off without a hitch.
Is she just sending a generic text to all of you at once?
I don't think you're being unreasonable being miffed by it, but I would just let it go and focus on what you've had in the past with her and what you'll have in the future when everything's back to normal.
It is a really stressful time and I suppose it's possible some people justify acting in a way they wouldn't normally, thinking that people will understand because they understand how difficult it is 'organising' so many people at once.
Be calm and reply the the person you know her to be, ignoring everything else
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