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AIBU to use the mumsnet friendship rules to determine if I want to continue with a friendship or not.

(19 Posts)
AllDirections Fri 22-Feb-13 18:46:50

Twice in the past few months I've been badly let down by people I thought were good friends. But when I've looked at these friendships I've realised that I've been putting up with shoddy behaviour from them for a long time. I'm much more assertive than I used to be due to advice that mumsnetters have given each other and what behaviours not to tolerate from other people.

So I've decided to use the mumsnet rules of friendship to determine if I should try to save a friendship or not. I will walk away from any friend that does any of the following;

Constantly makes snide comments
Makes nasty remarks about my parenting (cos they're obviously perfect parents hmm )
Shows an obvious dislike for one or more of my children or is nasty to any of them
Tells my DC off for something they don't tell their own DC off for (cos their DC are 'no bother' hmm )
Expects me always to pander to their (and their DCs) whims rather than compromising on things we want to do
Makes passive aggressive comments about me on public forums
Sends nasty text messages
Has me walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting them
Refuses to talk face to face about any issues within our friendship that seem to be upsetting them

AIBU not to put up with this type of behaviour from so called friends?

FastidiaBlueberry Fri 22-Feb-13 18:55:28

No that all sounds reasonable

wannabedomesticgoddess Fri 22-Feb-13 18:57:34


But those arent just MN rules surely?

herladyship Fri 22-Feb-13 18:58:00

Crikey! I would certainly not consider anyone acting in the way you describe to be a 'friend' shock

parakeet Fri 22-Feb-13 19:31:46

What has this got to with MN? From the very first item on your list, I thought to myself: "What sane person would put up with any of this, from anyone?"

ThreeBeeOneGee Fri 22-Feb-13 19:39:31

A lot of the things on your list sound like relational aggression to me. There's an interesting book written about it, called 'Odd Girl Out', by Rachel Simmons (I might have got the author's name wrong). She studied it in female adolescents, but either gender is capable of it at any age.

AllDirections Fri 22-Feb-13 19:50:57

I know what you're all saying but these behaviours started off being very subtle and it's only been reading threads on mumsnet that has made me realise how bad I let things get sad If it wasn't for mumsnet I'd still be thinking that I somehow caused their behaviour.

It was only when I backed off from the last friendship (due to her intentionally upsetting my youngest DC) that she started with the passive aggressive comments and then nasty texts.

I'm obviously not as assertive as I give myself credit for or I wouldn't have put up with this behaviour for as long as I did.

ThreeBeeOneGee Fri 22-Feb-13 19:57:05

A lot of relational aggression is about power and control. By backing off, you are no longer letting your 'friend' control you. She feels threatened by this, hence the unpleasant comments and texts.

I'm afraid I have very little tolerance for this sort of behaviour. It is on the same spectrum as bullying and emotional abuse.

AllDirections Fri 22-Feb-13 20:04:09

I think I'll get that book Three. What you say makes a lot of sense and I think I probably have form for putting up with this kind of behaviour. Maybe the book will give me some strategies to help prevent this happening again.

ThreeBeeOneGee Fri 22-Feb-13 20:08:15

You have said that you are becoming more assertive which is a start, and your radar for recognising this type of behaviour has got stronger, which is good too.

As well as doing this for yourself, remember that you are now modelling good self-esteem for your children, so by not putting up with controlling 'friends', you are setting a positive example for their future friendships.

rayeames Fri 22-Feb-13 20:19:09

it's not looking good for my mother based on those rules.

AllDirections Fri 22-Feb-13 20:24:48

rayeames sad

My problem is that I don't like confrontation so I let the small things go. By the time they get bigger I think that I should have dealt with it in the beginning. But in the beginning those things didn't seem big enough to make a fuss over....

ThreeBeeOneGee Fri 22-Feb-13 20:36:21

That's why I started a thread in AIBU a while back about whether I could try 1-2-3 Magic on my parents, as it's a system that deals with the small stuff before it builds up.

hettyflowers Fri 22-Feb-13 20:39:30

Erm, what's 1-2-3 Magic? <looks blank>

AllDirections Fri 22-Feb-13 20:42:27

I think it's a behaviour management technique, normally used with children. Did it work Three ?

someoftheabove Fri 22-Feb-13 20:48:16

Lol, love the idea of using 123-magic on parents!
Btw, it's "effective discipline for children aged 2-12". Google it - lots of children's centres in our area run courses for parents.

hettyflowers Fri 22-Feb-13 20:50:00

Thanks all - will Google smile

ThreeBeeOneGee Fri 22-Feb-13 20:51:00

They are in their seventies, so it might be a bit late to try modifying their behaviour. However, I was able to modify how much of it I was prepared to put up with. Results have been positive so far. smile

AllDirections Fri 22-Feb-13 20:53:41

Wow, off to google it

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