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To be so angry at comments about nurofen/calpol

(164 Posts)
ariane5 Thu 21-Feb-13 22:51:14

My 4 dcs-dd1 (11), ds1 (6), dd2 (3) and ds2 (10ms) all have a genetic condition EDS causing them pain on a daily basis.

Ds1 also suffers from migraine requiring painkillers and all 4 frequently get viruses and infections (usually throat/ear) that gives them extremely high temps.

Ds1 has been very very poorly for the last week, temp up to 104f at one point and I thought he would have a fit it was terrifying but we got it down eventually with nur/calpol.

Dcs physio recommened these medicines for the joint/muscle pain they all get and gp always says to give calpol and nurofen even today adjusting ds1 dose to try and stop his temp going so high.

MIL has always made comments that my overuse of painkillers is the reason the dcs catch every bug going and are such sickly children.

She said it again today and I just lost my temper then cried. She is making out it is my fault then went on to say they are all on anti b too much as well. I have had enough of it-she is talking rubbish isn't she?

MIL is adamant these painkillers are causing dcs ill health but the gp/physio/consultant wouldn't keep telling me to use them surely if they were contributing to the problem?

dondon33 Sat 23-Feb-13 11:33:57

Christ almighty OP - I'm in awe of your self control and patience to tolerate this god damn awful, poisonous stupid woman. You're a better woman than me because I'd have asked her long ago to provide me a copy of her medical degree smile
'What? really, you don't have one mil? - then please kindly stfu about my children's health'
I'd of probably also went on the counter attack a little too smile

'Dr's know what they're talking about mil - they're educated and intelligent and studied a very long time- people who are not/have not - shouldn't really have such rigid opinions regarding what's what with meds' smile

' OMG!! (laughs wildly) mil! are you serious? tickling an under 1 yr olds feet will cause a fit (again laugh wildly) What the hell was in women's brains back in your day to believe such clap trap? was it because you drank too much guinness to up your iron stores' smile maybe this is a tad too much but you get my gist.

Ignore her although I understand it's easier said than done - you've checked this out for your own peace of mind - the GP is not going to lie to you.
You sound like a fantastic, loving mummy doing a great job btw x

DorisIsWaiting Sat 23-Feb-13 11:56:45

I think that you need to practice some conversation closing techniques (that and get help with your self esteem which is (understandably) taking a bashing.

If she is phoning you to berate or even brings it into the conversation, you cCAN (and need to) get off the phone sorry MIL got to go somethings come up... (phone down). If she phones your dh and moans pre-empt him by telling him this IS what you are going to do as you will no longer tolerate it.

I she is in you home leave the room. If she follows you tell her it's not something you are prepared to discuss and if she continues she will be asked to leave (yes this is NOT unreasonable for you not to be abused or insulted in your own home!.

Your MIL is massively part of your problem and not helping when you are cping with so much. The effort to stand up to her in the short term may help massively in the long term as you are not wasting energy being stressed about her.

cory Sat 23-Feb-13 11:59:39

Here is a salutary tale for your dh:

when dd's EDS problems started, dh and I were fully supportive, but she was continuously undermined by other trusted adults (school) suggesting that her pain wasn't real or that she didn't need/shouldn't be having support

8 years later, dd is completely messed up: she is so confused about the issue of pain that she can't tell the difference between a rupturing ovarian cyst (happened just before Christmas) and the slight headache that comes with a cold in the head.

after all, if trusted adults have told her her joint pains are imaginary, maybe all pain is imaginary- or maybe all pain is serious?

she simply doesn't know

so in a situation where she might have to explain to somebody other than dh and me that she is in pain and can't do something, she freaks out completely; she would literally rather jump out of the window than confront her fears

she has made two suicide attempts within the last 7 months, both triggered by this kind of situation; she has been self-harming, vomiting, school refusing

if I had a time machine, I would go back 8 years and apply the Death Stare to anyone who attempted to make unhelpful comments in dd's hearing

your dh needs to shut his mother up every time

dondon33 Sat 23-Feb-13 12:19:31

How sad Cory it's disgusting and unacceptable that your Dd's school have caused her such confusion and distress, how dare they! I don't imagine any of them are qualified Dr's neither angry

your dh needs to shut his mother up every time - this comment couldn't be any more neccessary/important.
If she can't leave this subject alone then she shouldn't be allowed to be around any of the DC's.

elliejjtiny Sat 23-Feb-13 12:26:46

My 3 children all have EDS (ds1 mild, DS2 severe and DS3 somewhere in between). Also pregnant with DC4 who is already showing signs of EDS and has recently been diagnosed with a cleft lip as well). So I have experience of family members who think they are experts because they have watched casualty/one born every minute or because of various other daft reasons (did you know that being qualified as a teacher means you are an expert in everything child related?)

I find the best way of dealing with these people is to smile, do a really annoying laugh and say what a good thing it is that there is more understanding of EDS now than when DH was younger.

cory I'm finding this with DS2 (4) that people don't believe he is in pain. From now on I will be more confident in ignoring people who tell me to stop pandering to him and start practicing my death stare.

cory Sat 23-Feb-13 14:29:43

You stand up for him, elliejjtiny! Good on you and the power of Mumsnet is behind you! grin

I think when dd was 4 it still felt as if the thing I wanted to avoid most was people judging my parenting skills, seeing me as a weak or over-indulgent or "difficult" parent.

Now I know that the one thing I wanted to avoid was an 11yo sobbing on the phone to emergency services because he had come home and found his sister semi-conscious on the patio... sad

ariane5 Sat 23-Feb-13 16:38:46

I lost my temper today. We had to take dd2 out to an appt but ds1 has been very ill this week. Severe infection, temp 104f on anti b, palpitations and swollen face-the most ill I've ever seen him and he is bedridden. The gp told us 2 days ago he is also so underweight (3 stone and is 6) and prescribed neocate advance for him.

Dh asked MIL would she sit with ds1 for an hour while we took others to dd appt as ds1 couldn't get up and needed to sleep. She came round and proceeded to mock me for "pampering" ds1, saying all he has is "a tickly winter cough" and there's nothing wrong with him and he isn't underweight.

The poor child is a wreck, he is grey and terribly poorly, so so thin and in pain every day anyway with his joints but this latest illness has completely floored him.

I couldn't help it I completely lost my temper then burst into tears.

Really had enough sad

cory Sat 23-Feb-13 16:48:04

You know, I sometimes think Mumsnet ought to run a small throttling service for the putting down of unhelpful relatives/medical professionals/school staff and others.

Really sorry to hear about your ds, ariane sad Poor little lad.

I do remember that grey look so well, and how helpless it made me feel. Funnily, I haven't really seen it so much lately: perhaps getting the pain management under control actually has helped dd's immunity issues. That and getting past the pre-puberty growing stage.

Now we only need to sort out her anxiety issues.

Was your dh there when you burst into tears? He must do something, he really must.

cory Sat 23-Feb-13 16:48:45

Oh and have thanks. And wine

ariane5 Sat 23-Feb-13 17:06:01

Thankyou cory

Yes dh was there, he knew it wasn't going to end well when she started accusing me of pampering ds1.he kept quiet though and has been subdued since.

Wikileeks Sat 23-Feb-13 17:11:14


cory Sat 23-Feb-13 17:18:07

He must not keep quiet, ariane. Tell him that listening to this could do your ds irreparable damage. Show him my first post about dd.

TheBigJessie Sat 23-Feb-13 17:18:15

I knew a woman like this once. Very strong opinions of pain-medication. Used to talk about how doctors were "irresponsible" for prescribing painkillers to her relatives with life long pain.

Twenty years later, she's got a little problem with constant pain. And guess what, she's necking exactly the same painkillers she used to say should be "banned" for other people. And she's actually regretting being so dismissive.

It's easy to disregard others' pain when you have no empathy, innit.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 23-Feb-13 17:19:50

OMG Ariane i wanna bitch slap your MIL with a hot frying pan, how fucking dare she minimise your sons illness, i had a tickly cough, although annoying, i was not grey and immobile.

Get your bitch on girl and give that evil bitch a taste of her medicine by critizising her and kick your DH up the fucking arse too.

Uppermid Sat 23-Feb-13 17:20:05

Your mil is a nasty bitch but you need your dh to help you here, he has to show his mum that your are united in doing the best for your children.

buildingmycorestrength Sat 23-Feb-13 17:34:11

You are doing a great job and it is a GOOD THING you lost your temper. Seriously, so what if you start WWIII? She is really ruining your life.

If your DH won't see it, he is no kind of husband. He needs to put you and your seriously ill children first.

You may be relying on them for some logistical support but it is costing you your sanity. Shout as much as you need to til the message hits home, since she won't hear sense.

ZebraOwl Sun 24-Feb-13 01:18:32

Hell's bells & buckets of blood is the woman living in a bubble that warps her perception of the world? That's about the only thing I can think of that explains her behaviour!

The business about foot-tickling is ridiculous on a quite epic scale. After coming out with that I think you're well entitled to disregard any&everything she says!

Bit concerned she's so upset your DH no longer drinks alcohol. No-one "needs" alcohol to relax: if you feel you do, you have a serious problem. I can't drink because of the cocktail of drugs I'm on & yet I manage to relax despite all the reasons I have to be constantly wound as tight as a violin-string on the verge of snapping...

Am sorry to hear that the wee ones are so much poorlier than usual. It is so hard when an already low baseline gets dragged into the depths by what for most people would be a non-issue.

Can you talk to your DH about the fact that his wish to avoid conflict is causing you serious problems? I can understand his not wanting ructions, but he needs to look at the bigger picture: there's not the same explosiveness but it is causing you a massive amount of distress & I fear may make you unwell yourself if something doesn't change sad

atrcts Sun 24-Feb-13 08:32:24

It seems that the message coming through is DH will not stand up to his Mum?

I can't work out if you're patiently waiting for him to see what's going on and work it out for himself, or whether you have spelt it out clearly and asked for his support, but not got anywhere.

If that is the case then there is PLENTY you can do to change the situation. You are not a sitting duck waiting for this woman to harass you (and the children, who will hear every criticism from her and soon feel hurt by it just like you are!).

I would consider sending DH to the gp alone with the kids while you stay back with your ill DS. It might not be your preferred option but at least it doesn't subject you to lady poison. It also sends out a strong message to both DH and his Mum - that it is unreasonable for you to be placed in a situation where you are constantly bullied like this, and you are doing something proactive to stop it - even if no one else is!

I suspect your DH has grown up accustomed to MIL poison and has probably never stood up to her, but that is his journey, not yours.

Someone posted a suggestion that you find ways to build your confidence (which I am sure has taken a regular hammering), and I think that's a good idea.

And remember no one likes change and so to begin with, expect a lot of resistance. But eventually people have a begrudging respect even if they never admit it. At the worst they will sulk for a bit and then settle down, you just need to hang in there and hold your ground!

ariane5 Sun 24-Feb-13 10:43:12

I have asked DH time and time again for support over various issues involving his mother but he will not argue with her.

He makes excuses for all her nasty comments and things she does, he will not stick up for me at all and says that its not her fault she is just set in her ways now and there's no point him saying anything.

This causes a problem where she makes comments (that she knows are wrong) and because he's too scared to speak up she assumes he agrees with her stupid opinion or is condoning her behaviour and then she gets all smug and I then get upset.

Horrible horrible situation

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sun 24-Feb-13 10:53:55

Your problem is that your DH is a wet wimp.

Tell him that from now on his mother does not come to the house unless HE is there and preferably he goes to her house to see her.

Tell him that if he chooses to back her and not you when she is there, that he'd better be prepared to go and live with her because that is what will happen after you have told her to 'Fuck Off' - his choice.

Tell HER she is not to ring you or text you, only DH.

Do not ask her for a single favour - find a friend, pay a babysitter or whatever, but do not ask her for a single thing.

Your kids will get over a family arguement/drama in time - they will not 'get over' having a Mum who is constantly belittled and spoken to like this.

Stand up for yourself - stop putting up with this vile woman.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 24-Feb-13 11:11:46


Cut this woman from your and DCs lives, i would smack the shit out of anyone who minimised my DCs illness, dont be afraid to start this war, because MIL has had it coming for a long time.

Uppermid Sun 24-Feb-13 13:39:19

Whatmyhead said. I would rather create ww3, (actually you aren't creating it, she is) than let my children grow up thinking this is ok and have them belittled. This situation is not good for you, your children or your marriage.

Maybe your dh to read this thread.

cory Sun 24-Feb-13 13:43:55

Ariane, tell your dh that it isn't about your MIL and how she feels, it isn't even about you and how you feel: it is about your ds and the risk that he will grow up psychologically damaged through these mixed messages.

I am the world's greatest appeaser, I am really am, and grown up in a family-means-all-atmosphere, but taking risks with a growing mind to respect somebody's right to be stuck in their ways- no, it's just not on.

And it is taking risks. The rates of anxiety and depression (and yes, suicide too) are higher among EDS suffererers than among the general population and though some of it is thought to be due to chemical imbalances, there is no doubt that being misunderstood plays a big part.

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:43:34

coryYou know, I sometimes think Mumsnet ought to run a small throttling service for the putting down of unhelpful relatives/medical professionals/school staff and others.

So want to volunteer for this!!

PessaryPam Sun 24-Feb-13 16:46:25

Actually OP read some Agatha Christie and off the old bitch, it's not so hard. Some people shouldn't live (only joking I think)

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