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to ask how SAHMs buy gifts for their DP and keep it a surprise

(78 Posts)
pizzaqueen Wed 20-Feb-13 21:34:20

This is something that I've always wondered but more so now that many of my friends are SAHMs. If your partner is the sole earner how can you buy him gifts or surprise treats for birthday/Xmas/fathers day without him knowing a) how much you've spent and b) where you bought it as it will surely appear on his bank statement so he'll know what it's likely to be. Then isn't it just like he buys his own gifts so isn't really being 'treated' by you at all as he paid for it?

This isn't meant to be a dig at SAHMs at all - good on you for being able to make it work. Financially I don't have any option but to go to work but I'm fortunate its only 3 days a week and I mostly enjoy my job, although I'd love to have more time at home with DS.

DP and I both put an equal amount of money in a joint account every month to cover mortgage, bills, food etc and anything we have left over is our own to pay for our own cars, phones and general spending money (I'm left with about £50 a month). So if I want to treat him or DS or buy gift for my mum I can do this without him knowing and it'll be a total surprise, surely not like this if you're completely reliant on his finances?

I enjoy having some financial independence and if it was all in one pot I think it would cause friction e.g. I like to buy clothes, go out for lunch which he thinks is unnecessary and he likes the odd flutter at the bookies which I think is wasteful. But it's our own money to do with what we SAHMS need to ask their partner about every purchase and spending decision?

So tell me if I'm being unreasonable and you have some kind of logical solution to this part of sharing finances that I can't get my head around.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 20-Feb-13 23:17:54

I've always wondered that too, MsVestibule. AND, does it mean that the higher earning partner will have a larger retirement income? If I earn twice what DH does but spend more thriftily, does that mean I retire with wads of cash and watch him eating value catfood?

I'm not necessarily opposed to any way of doing it, but I can't envision having a different standard of living to my spouse. And surely, that's the logical end point of these arrangements?

aldiwhore Wed 20-Feb-13 23:21:47

I was a SAHM. I am not anymore. Both of us put everything into our accounts, everything is ours, we both have what we wish... we take OUT £100 per month each in personal spends (we actually spend more or less on ourselves depending on how well off we're feeling).

Since marriage, our money has been ours. We feel it's the only 'fair' way, a percentage would of course have left me penniless and my DH loaded. Everything goes into the pot, we both take out an agreed share (that can change).

My DH has never known about any surprise gift I may have bought for him, often it's gone over my personal agreed monthly budget, but y'know, I did that old fashioned thing and saved up. So did he.

whiteandyelloworchid Wed 20-Feb-13 23:24:52

All money into one account then the same amount of free/spending money into our own accounts, which we spend on whatever we fancy going out clothes books etc

Always been the same, even before when we both worked ft

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