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to think I should see this as the first warning sign in our relationship?

(128 Posts)
MackleMore Tue 19-Feb-13 23:03:43

I have been dating someone for just over a month, so obviously not been together long, but all going great and we have already said I love you etc.

I was bored tonight and on Facebook and starting browsing through his photos. When I saw a photo of his family - he only mentioned his brother and father to me and there was another man and woman in the photo (both tagged with the same surname as bf)

I clicked on the mans and realised it was bf's older brother and the woman is his SIL - again not friends on facebook. The odd part is they are not friends on facebook - even though they clearly were 2 years ago.

This couple have children, two girls who are his nieces and so he has clearly cut off contact with them too.

I know facebook isn't everything and you delete people all the time - but to delete a sibling?

I don't know whether to find this odd.

AgentZigzag Wed 20-Feb-13 00:15:04

I don't think you're unreasonable to hope what you feel for each other is long term, I have a long lasting marriage which began a bit too quickly, but you would probably dismiss what I thought because you'd disapprove of me having members of my immediate family that I'd cross the road to avoid.

And it's pretty shit to bring in what you think of sqeakytoys other posts onto the thread, point scoring.

ceeveebee Wed 20-Feb-13 00:15:49

Yes I understand that you have worked out that he has a sibling but to assume he's cut him off just because 1) they are not FB friends and 2) he hasn't talked about him during your long meaningful relationship - just not a link that I would ever make myself.
When I was "dating" Facebook didn't even exist so we couldn't stalk our new boyfriends in those days. Perhaps that was a good thing

Dottiespots Wed 20-Feb-13 00:23:38

May I ask how old you are?

Pandemoniaa Wed 20-Feb-13 00:48:31

I think to cut family out of your life is a big thing.

It is. But you don't use Facebook, of all things, to draw any sort of valid conclusions about the family life of people you didn't previously know existed.

Don't judge your bf based on internet bollocks. Have a sensible conversation with him.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 20-Feb-13 00:55:57

You can't even be sure it's a sibling without asking. It could be a cousin or even a friend with the same surname (unless the surname is very unusual).

Actually, for all you know, the 'brother' and his wife and kids could all have died in a bizarre gardening accident and that's why your new BF doesn't like to mention them to you.

But you do sound a bit of a drama llama. Are you 15?

MockingBirdJay Wed 20-Feb-13 01:01:09

SolidGoldBrass the OP already explained that they had listed the other brother as his brother and have the same mum - and same surname so probably have the same dad.

Brother and wife are most probably still alive if they both have Facebook too hmm

TraceyTrickster Wed 20-Feb-13 01:06:32

My sister cut me off after she was annoyed because I requested a repayment of some money I loaned her daughter...does that make me someone to be wary of?

Don't let FB get in the way of real life.

MechanicalTheatre Wed 20-Feb-13 01:16:51

I think you're reading way too much into this. They could have left FB, left then rejoined, one of them said something a bit dodge and decided to delete the other, one of them had a tantrum and unfriended in a fit of pique and never got round to refriending.

I'm not friends with my SIL on FB. I don't hate her or anything, I'm just not friends with her. Also my mum friended me, I accepted, she commented on a photo of me smoking, INSTANT defriend. It meant nothing, I just didn't want her commenting on every photo like that.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 20-Feb-13 01:21:26

What makes you think he deleted them rather then they deleted him?

They might have chosen to stop using Facebook all together.

anonymosity Wed 20-Feb-13 01:44:01

I would say you stalking online is a warning sign to him that you're a bit odd.

ThreeWheelsGood Wed 20-Feb-13 08:38:47

I still maintain you don't know that they were ever friends on Facebook! Why not ask him then come back and update us?

Helltotheno Wed 20-Feb-13 08:45:04

I think to cut family out of your life is a big thing.

And I for one am very glad you don't have the sort of family you need to cut off. You should have a look at the stately homes thread to give you some insight into what it's like for people who do.

Saying 'I love you' after a month? Is that supposed to mean something? See how the actions bear out over a longer time period OP, rather than putting too much store in played out verbal cliches....

Adversecamber Wed 20-Feb-13 08:45:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArbitraryUsername Wed 20-Feb-13 08:49:17

I have cut swathes of my family (including my father) out of my life and seriously limit contact with the rest. This is because they are a shower of difficult (and in some cases outright abusive) bastards for the most part. It's a good thing that I have done so.

plantsitter Wed 20-Feb-13 08:51:52

An old friend and I had an argument recently - the crux of it was that she thought I didn't know anything about her life because I hadn't asked her; she thought she knew everything about my life because I post on Facebook quite a lot (but she hadn't asked me either).

FACEBOOK IS NOT REAL LIFE. It doesn't tell you anything very much at all about somebody's real life. They might put a joke or a photo up or make or break friends with people or be in a relationship or not in a relationship with someone. But this is just Facebook not real life.

The truth was I'd been quite depressed, but I was hardly going to update my status with 'just concentrating on getting through the day today' or 'managed to only cry 3 times today well done me' was I??

YouOldSlag Wed 20-Feb-13 08:56:16

This shows that you cannot communicate with your new BF. Just say "who are these people?" instead of jumping to a hundred conclusions in your head and complicating everything.

FWIW, DH and I cut his brother out of our lives as he did some things that we were found utterly reprehensible. If I told you, you'd agree with me. It's no reflection on our characters that he is not a FB friend of ours.

ScentedNappyHag Wed 20-Feb-13 08:56:40

I've deleted family from Facebook as they post those bloody annoying 'share if you are a massive dick' things- no falling out or anything, still close, but just hate their online presence grin I'm sure people have done it to me too.

ArbitraryUsername Wed 20-Feb-13 08:57:29

I think the worst thing about FB is that it gives you the illusion of contact with people and, in doing so, can actually make you/them more isolated.

fluffyraggies Wed 20-Feb-13 08:59:17

Haven't read whole thread only OPs responses.

'I think to cut family out of your life is a big thing.'

Yes, it is. IF that is what has happened. If it is what has happened he may decide to tell you about it once he's known you longer.

A month is nothing.
'i love you' is irrelevant.

MunchMunch Wed 20-Feb-13 09:02:34

I've deleted and blocked my db! We have not fallen out and see each other a lot but the reason I've done it is because of SIL, she is a fruit loop and even though we weren't friends on fb (or rl) she had access to his fb and anything I wrote on it.

She goes on db's fb and writes a status then goes onto her fb and answers "him". confused

weegiemum Wed 20-Feb-13 09:02:55

I have a perfectly happy marriage.

I don't speak to my mother (very toxic) or my sister (supports mother).

I'm not convinced it's a red flag. In fact, for me, cutting out a very toxic relation was the healthiest thing I could do.

Whocansay Wed 20-Feb-13 09:03:00

Just ask him. I don't understand the drama. We can all speculate any number of reasons why he hasn't mentioned them. Maybe they were all killed in a car crash and it's too painful to talk about it? Who knows? I don't know why you have a problem with being honest about this.

AKissIsNotAContract Wed 20-Feb-13 09:04:33

I cut my dad out of my life, it hasn't impacted on my ability to be a good partner.

Hissy Wed 20-Feb-13 09:06:55

saying I love you after only a month is one of the most reliable "warning signs" there is...

You do need to be very wary of this. Ignore the 'but it worked for us' posters, they hit the million-to-one jackpot.

You don't know this guy, not at all, he could be anything/anyone and you won't know.

By saying ILY in the first 5m of a relationship, you are committing yourself to stick around, no matter what. A VERY dangerous place to be.

Why not read the links above Relationships, the Domestic Violence links? That'll give you a list of red flags.

That's the other thing I meant to mention. Your instincts.

If they are telling you something, LISTEN.

Did you click with this guy more than anyone ever before? Some scientists say that's instinctual FEAR, and needs to be acted on, by leaving and regaining control over your feelings/emotion.

Also, can I ask what your previous relationships have been like? That'll help us to tell you what the odds are of this being similar.

Ultimately, it may be OK, but atm, the odds are stacked against that. You don't know this guy at all. So be careful. THINK, and ask (us) questions.

SomethingProfound Wed 20-Feb-13 09:08:27

OP your BF might not of been the one to tag them it could of been the brother you were told about.

I have three siblings, one half, one full and one step. I'm very close to my sister (full) she is my friend on FB, the others aren't due to different interests having very different lives not wanting them to see photos of me pissed it doesn't mean I have "cut them out of my life", when people ask me about my siblings I often only mention my sister as she is the one who is prominent in my life, and I don't always want to go into the ins and outs of my family dynamic.

Don't jump to conclusions, he might not have mentioned them due to a strained relationship there might be a huge backstory and you have NO IDEA what it might be.

Your BF will tell you when he is ready.

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