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AIBU?

Fed-up of being used

17 replies

lilly40 · 19/02/2013 22:12

Over the years I've helped out countless friends/colleagues etc and been happy to do so. Just recently I asked a colleague for help and she totally ignored my request, even after I'd helped her out a few weeks previously. I often get asked for help and willingly oblige. Why is it that when I ask for some help its not forthcoming? I'm so fed up of what now feels like being used, or AIBU?
I recently spent a long time researching information for someone, and she didn't even say thank-you or acknowledge the help. Why when I need some help is it different?
This has really knocked my confidence and I'm feeling extremely down today, un-motivated and tearful :(

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MsAkimbo · 19/02/2013 22:14

Yanbu. I have been there myself. Unfortunately, not everyone cares about reciprocity.

Teach them a lesson and start saying no.

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CharlieBlanche · 19/02/2013 22:17

Would you mind me asking how you phrased the request?

I've learned over the years to be pretty direct (while being polite of course) if I want something.

I find if requests are phrased in a wishy washy or indirect way it's easier for people to a) misunderstand b) think you don't really need the help or c) slope out of stuff.

Don't know if this is helpful but I hope you feel better.

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thebody · 19/02/2013 22:23

Ah you sound lovely. However woman up!!! Don't be a doormat helper and be more direct with your requests..

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Tulahoob · 19/02/2013 22:28

Do you find you have some/one friend in particular that always asks for favours and takes the mickey a bit? If so I would just start saying No to them when they ask for favours. You don't have to give reasons or excuses, just a 'no I can't do that' will work fine.

What you will probably find is if you start saying no, people that are takers and are using you will just drift away from you and onto someone else, which is no great loss for you at all. I used to do loads of childcare favours for a woman at my DCs school and one day (after she dropped her DD with me for one hour when I had a bad chest infection and was actually gone for 8 hours on a SPA DAY) I just started saying no to her. She barely acknowledges me now, which is cool with me as she was clearly just using me in the first place.

I don't tend to do many favours for people these days, and I rarely ask for favours either. People are often quite self absorbed so at least if I don't give much in the first place it doesn't leave me with any expectations of getting any favours in return.

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Minshu · 19/02/2013 22:30

You do sound lovely and I don't know why some people are so ungrateful.

On the other hand, I have in the past been the recipient of unrequested favours, then the recipient of bitching about not reciprocating when I didn't know the "beneficiary" had wanted my assistance.

Not suggesting this is anyone's fault - just that both sides need to be clear about favours being asked and granted.

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lilly40 · 19/02/2013 22:34

WOW! I'd never thought of myself being indirect or a doormat helper. How does one be more direct with requests? I guess I'll have to learn to be more direct.
A colleague had to write a case study on a client, and asked for my help. I asked her the same and she didn't even respond.
How do I ask in a more direct way without being 'wishy washy'?

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CarnivorousPanda · 19/02/2013 22:37

Some years back, after one request too many, I made a conscious decision not to be so available to people who were not particularly good friends anyway. For my good friends, I will still help out whenever I can and I know they would do the same for me.

Some people are just users, I realised its not about friendship. And if your colleagues won't help you after you've been helpful to them, then just don't offer to help them again.

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SquinkiesRule · 19/02/2013 22:41

I know the feeling OP. Dh and I helped many friends to move, helped fix cars etc at their request. Yet last time we moved, not one soul helped us, we asked directly, it was a weekend they were all off work. So pregnant me and Dh moved house alone. Sod 'em.

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CailinDana · 19/02/2013 22:42

You say in your OP that you've helped people out and have "been happy to do so." That's not true. You've helped people out in the expectation that they will help you out in return. So your help comes with a price. Not only that but it seems that when it comes to getting the person you helped to pay up, you're not very clear about it.

IMO a genuine favour is one that you don't ever expect to have repaid. If you want a reciprocal sharing of help then you need to make that clear from the start, as in, "Of course I'll help you with your case study, but I'll need your help with mine too in the future if that's ok?"

I don't accept offers of favours because IME people who offer to help often have a tit-for-tat idea about how friendships work. I don't operate like that - if I do something for someone I do it because I genuinely want to help, with no expectations of payback. If I don't genuinely want to help, then I don't help. If I ask for help I will always offer something in return - as in, "Could you mind DS for me Saturday? I'll have your DD on another day to say thank you."

Doing a "favour" and then silently seething because the other person hasn't guessed that their debt is due is childish behaviour. Doing favours for someone who clearly doesn't really like you and doesn't help you out at all is asking to be taken advantage of. Just state clearly what you want and then you'll get it.

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Tulahoob · 19/02/2013 22:50

lilly, I would just make a mental note not to help that colleague out again if they ask you. I have another friend who repeatedly asked for favours which I did do willingly but then I found out she wasn't as good a friend as I thought she was due to various reasons and her not being there for me when I needed some support. As a result I reassessed the friendship. She is still my friend now, however I don't do any favours for her now and I do keep her at arm's length

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lilly40 · 19/02/2013 22:55

caulindana I think you've misunderstood me a little. I don't help out people with any expectations. I'm happy to help if asked in most cases and have said no in the past.
You have been brutally honest though and I've learnt a lot about myself from your post

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CailinDana · 19/02/2013 23:03

I don't mean to come across harshly (but think I did a little!). I suppose my point is that you need to set your own boundaries and expectations and then be clear about them. The people I get on best with in life are the people who will tell me outright if they're not happy about something. They are great friends because you never have to walk on eggshells around them, they will just let you know if something is wrong so you can just go ahead and be yourself. It's much more fun and relaxing being around someone who will say "Right you owe me a favour," and tell you what they want, rather than someone who suddenly goes funny and you have to wonder what you did wrong. There are definitely users out there, but a lot of what you're complaining about is people just genuinely being a bit useless rather than deliberately setting out to use you. A good rule of thumb is, do a favour because you genuinely want to, then if it gets repaid, it's a bonus, if it doesn't so what. Don't run around after people who aren't genuine friends - there's no point in it.

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CharlieBlanche · 19/02/2013 23:16

Lilly you said she didn't respond? Did you ask by email?

Your colleague might just have been busy and didn't get round to responding (not very polite but I've done it myself when I've been busy.

Go see her face to face or call her and ask her directly? "If you don't ask you don't get"

Sometimes people need some gentle prodding to move you up the priority list. If you don't follow up prople will iften assume you no longer need the help.

Another thing that helps is giving people deadlines. "I need with this befire next Friday. Can you make time for that?".

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CharlieBlanche · 19/02/2013 23:17

at the typos above! Clearly time to go to bed.

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lilly40 · 19/02/2013 23:56

I'm learning so much about myself from the responses I'm getting. Thank you all so much! It's obvious to me now, and I feel quite silly, but, some people have been nice to me just to get what they want. All well and good as I genuinely like helping out most of the time. BUT, there has to come a time when if I am in need of help I should be able to get it too. I do have any expectations of tit for tat helping. I work in the caring industry and thrive on it.
I'm so glad I posted this thread as I feel so empowered and have genuinely learnt so much about how I treat people and more importantly how I am treated.
A very valuable lesson

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CharlieBlanche · 20/02/2013 00:26

Lilly so pleased to see you so much more positive! Well done you!!

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lilly40 · 20/02/2013 08:38

It's almost a revelation reading some of the responses. I hadn't realised that I can tend to be too helpful at times. What does that say about me? Wanting to please, afraid of confrontations, or a need to be liked? Whatever the case I am taking stock of all that was shared in this thread.
I'll in future help out within reason, without being a martyr (think that's how you spell it). I do need to be clearer in my communication style and to be much more assertive. Setting boundaries, saying no and expecting nothing in return will prevent being used as a doormat. Not taking things too personally and being tougher too I think. Getting the balance right might take a bit of time but I've nothing to lose.