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Mum-in -law and Sister - in- law ganging up on you?

(83 Posts)
mgrg Mon 18-Feb-13 22:55:14

I lost my lovely Mum recently, totally unexpectedly through a heart attack. My Mum was my my main carer for my daughters under 9.I have a job and my Mum helped me to keep the plates from falling. My husband and I both work. On the day of my Mum's funeral my mother-in-law said she would help me with my girls in the school holidays. Neither she nor my SIL (who lives away) have ever had a job at the same time as having children. Any way, my manager is asking me about time off for the Easter holidays. My Mum in law then says that she can't look after her granddaughter because she has to go and look after her daughter's dogs.
My daughter Vs Sil' dogs.
What would u do ?

Yfronts Tue 19-Feb-13 13:21:44

Don't rely on them. Book them into a county council holiday scheme at your local leisure center. Will be reasonable. Alternatively advertise for a student to child mind in your home during the hols.

Yfronts Tue 19-Feb-13 13:27:07

It must be really hard having lost your mum. Your IL's sounds unreliable and awful though. Don't expect them to take over the childcare. Ignore SIL's texts and get your DH to deal with them. He needs to support you.

MrsBeep Tue 19-Feb-13 17:50:06

Looking back on my post I feel I was a bit harsh, particularly if the OP is not in the right state of mind since losing her mother. I can't begin to imagine how you feel OP and I do hope that you can find an agreeable situation for your childcare needs.

I wonder how your Dad feels about Childcare? Does he feel up to looking after his GC at all? I don't know that particular situation.

Worra was trying to help you, and she has now explained her perspective. I do hope you can come back to MN and find some comfort in the support here.
Also just noticed I typed "you are not in a difficult situation" in my last post...I did NOT mean the "not", I meant "you are in...". I've been typing on my phone, huge apologies.

Seabird72 Tue 19-Feb-13 18:09:55

The point is that you hope that families would want to help each other out and at a time when you are upset and depressed you need to feel you can rely on them more than ever. Whether you gave your MIL the dates or not the question is why would she choose to take care of the dogs over her own grandchild? People get very upset when you think that parents or in laws might actually be expected to help out with their grandchildren every so often - the argument they're your children so your responsibility cropping up but so many people rely on that extra help from families and often it's not forthcoming - why? Why don't they want to help out with grandchildren? Yes kids are hard work but it's family - I've never received help from family either side so I am extra sensitive to this kind of argument because every attempt to get my parents or the in-laws involved with the children has resulted in an accusation of just wanting free babysitting - no it's not - I don't work - I don't need free childcare, I just want my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents. You do need help with childcare but that is not a crime - unfortunately I think people make promises and offers they have no intention of keeping - of course your child should take priority over her dd's dogs - you and your child are still family and why can't they have the dogs and your DD? The answer is because they don't want to and probably never will but if they ever do you will be made to remember it and be forever thankful - do as others have suggested and try to make alternative arrangements, perhaps a local school has a holiday club she can attend? I know a childminder could be difficult at short notice if the hours aren't going to be a regular thing but you never know.

allybee201494 Thu 04-Dec-14 12:32:40


I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mum. This is a very late reply but I was really shocked by the many responses which in my opinion, lacked any emotional sympathy for you or understanding. I just don't get the responses at all ? Am I missing something ? Do people not think about the issue any deeper ?

I can imagine that losing your Mum and devoted Grandmother to your daughter and a supporter would have been really hard. All families have different dynamics and while many people do have to go it alone and pay for childcare, you have come to rely on your immediate family.

I can imagine that this is an upsetting time for you - losing a parent is very traumatic. I think that morally it is fairly reasonable to expect people to help with meals, childcare or in anyway way they can when you have lost someone so close and important. It was a time of change and the very least other relatives could do is chip in temporarily.

Added to this, you're MIL stole the rug from under your feet by offering and then taking away that offer.

It is also highly insulting that she would consider dog sitting to be more important than caring for her granddaughter who has just lost her close grandmother. Also, I would think it is more important to support your family during this time of change. She is not obliged to help you but the fact that she offered and left you with a sense of security, only to take it from you for dogs, when you've lost your Mother is just so gross.

I love dogs but I love children TOO and I think that would have been such a difficult time for your little one, you and her granddaughter and if she has the time to care for dogs, would have been better to help smoothen the transition. Surely her daughter could find a house sitter, dog sitter, kennel etc.

Yes, you need to look at longer term options but I just don't understand why people would not sympathise with you and expect a basic level of compassion, morality and help from your MIL. I just don't get why you wouldn't be doing everything you could to help someone who had just lost their Mum.

Clearly the people that have responded have no idea how emotionally traumatic and harrowing it is to lose a parent and how difficult it is just to get to work, to care for others, to make everything work and adjust to change.

spidey66 Thu 04-Dec-14 12:45:35

This thread is almost two years old....why has it been resurrected?

SparkleZilla Thu 04-Dec-14 14:13:15

it would be interesting if the OP came back and gave us an update not the threads been ressed

SparkleZilla Thu 04-Dec-14 14:16:42

**now not *not

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