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Another thoughtless example of DP's selfishness

(114 Posts)
mumstonic Mon 18-Feb-13 22:42:12

Its my birthday tomorrow. .

DP turned to me a moment ago and said "so, what do you want for your birthday then?"

Translated this means: I haven't got you anything, but I have asked so don't say I didn't try.

My obvious look of disappointment then prompted him to sulk like a child. No doubt my fault for not giving him clear present buying instructions. Arse.

AIBU to be just a little bit pissed off?

purrpurr Thu 21-Feb-13 08:09:29

TSC, what a horrendous reply. And a shrug as well. How disgustingly patronising and cold-hearted.

Chocolatemilkshake Thu 21-Feb-13 09:13:37

Just wanted to wish you a belated Happy Birthday thanks

I can completely understand how you feel OP as I'm married to a selfish arse too. How long has he been like this? I'm not sure what to suggest but you really mustn't let things carry on this way. I'll be keeping an eye on this thread to see what other people suggest as it might help me too.

I've had 13 years of it and I feel so much bitterness towards my DH. I should have said something sooner but in the back of my mind I wanted him to make me feel special because he wanted to and not because I nagged him. He forgets my birthday, never bothers at Christmas and mothers day doesn't exist. I hate all special occasions now as it just reminds me of how little I mean to him.

LisaMed Thu 21-Feb-13 15:09:15

I get reminded just how little I count three times per year - birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day. I refuse to celebrate either Valentines or our anniversary as I cannot bear the humiliation of it.

There is never much you can say, as 'you are being over-sensitive' and 'birthdays/Christmas' are for kids' and 'you can't upset ds about 'his' gift' but the obvious lack of care is incredibly corrosive and rots a relationship.

Snazzynewyear Thu 21-Feb-13 19:21:57

Choc and Lisa - that's really cold. Can I ask, do you do anything for partners' birthdays and Christmas then, or have you now given up if you never get anything?

You've both hinted that you now say very little about this. Did you try a while back, and what did your partner say in response?

LisaMed Thu 21-Feb-13 19:50:13

I make a fuss of his birthday/Christmas/father's day.

It's not worth the battle - it is always some reason why I should appreciate it, and it's polite to accept gifts graciously. I now smile, nod, put it to one side, get on with things.

OP - hope you are okay and that his parents will be nice to you.

LisaMed Thu 21-Feb-13 19:53:17

I usually get something - last birthday is a book that I told him I would never read and a book like one of my hobbies but that is nothing like he has ever seen me do.

blush I have just taken ds to one side and showed him on ebay something for him to get me. He is six, but quite capable of insisting dh gets it for him to give to me. I insist on presents for me for the sake of ds's future partner. Otherwise I wouldn't bother.

Chocolatemilkshake Thu 21-Feb-13 20:04:22

I always do something for DH whatever the occasion. It's not always much but I often give it a lot of thought and make sure it's something he'll like. I buy him a present for his birthday and Christmas. For his birthday I cook him his favourite meal and the kids help make a birthday cake. For Father's day I help the kids make cards and a present and dh loves receiving something that they've made. I don't want to treat my dh the way he treats me as I don't want my dcs to think that not making an effort for people you care about is the right thing to do.

I suppose it's my own fault for letting it go on so long but I don't think he'll change.

Jux Thu 21-Feb-13 20:17:59

Oh, please don't waste too much more time on him. He can go and live with his mummy and buy her flowers.

You're not happy now, you won't magically get happier, and as the children get older it will be much harder to do anything about it.

Squeakygate Thu 21-Feb-13 20:28:04

I feel very sad reading this. What about your dc growing up thinking his behaviour is normal? You deserve better than this.

Lara2 Thu 21-Feb-13 21:26:00

My DP used to do this every mother's day always saying "But you're not my mother" when I got upset. Until one year on father's day I got him nothing, invited my parents for lunch and conspicuously gave my dad his presents. DP looked pissed off and said something about it being more than he'd got. So I smiled sweetly and said "But you're not my father!" He never did it again! grin

Snazzynewyear Thu 21-Feb-13 21:51:19

Choc I totally see your thinking that 'I don't want my dcs to think that not making an effort for people you care about is the right thing to do' but I think it is very plausible that the actual message they get from what happens is: 'Dad's really important and we need to make a fuss of him with cards and presents. Mum isn't important and doesn't deserve presents, and we don't need to bother because Dad never does and that's just how things are'. And that's what they may take into adult relationships, which would IMO be even more sad.

Lara2 yes, it's the asymmetry of it that is worst. There are some people (women as well as men) who are genuinely not that bothered about getting presents, so apply that logic to their partner. That at least is fair if not particularly loving or generous. But the expecting to get presents yourself, yet not bothering to reciprocate, takes the biscuit for me.

onceisneverenough Thu 21-Feb-13 22:29:40

I thought it was just my DP who was like this. It's my birthday in just under a fortnight and today I was looking through my watched items on Ebay and DP noticed and said "oh I will get you that for your birthday" about something that's been on for a while with a buy it now price. I was happy.... Then no longer than an hour later he purchased something himself on Ebay, meaning that as he doesn't get paid again between now and my birthday he cannot afford my present. Not only that but he THEN asked ME if I would lend him some money. Words fail me.

OhCobblers Thu 21-Feb-13 23:29:36

That there are people out there who quite happily lap up the attention on birthdays, Xmas, etc, and accept the presents, but then do nothing to reciprocate for the person they're supposed to love and cheish more than anything????? Well words fail me they really do.

I feel really quite sad to read some of the posts above.
I'm afraid I also agree with snazzynewyear's post about what the children might learn from it.
Christ this is a really sad thread sad

mumstonic Fri 22-Feb-13 15:58:15

Chocolate that's so sad, but I can completely relate. I remember my first Mother's day with DD2. We were at his parents for the weekend and on Mothers day, SIL and MIL were both given gifts, cards and breakfast in bed by DP's dad and siblings. I had bought MIL a book she really wanted and some flowers on DP's behalf. FIL prepared breakfast and BIL prepared lunch. They both got really spoiled and deservedly so.

DD2 was just a few months old and I was still quite tired and emotional. DP hadn't got me anything not even a card which of course upset me, but it was the embarrassment that got me more. PIL's were disgusted with him and told him so, which made things worse as I then got really upset and cried at the dinner table (was a bit PSD at the time).

Lisa his parents are lovely by the way.

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