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To not tell my ex that he's going to be a dad?

(196 Posts)
BlessedDespair Mon 18-Feb-13 11:59:53

Regular but have name changed

My ex is not the sort you would want to have any involvement with a child. If I let him know that I'm pregnant (to late really for an abortion and who knows if this will be my only chance to have a child or not) he'll want to be involved and will insist we get back together and be a 'proper' family.

He was very controlling while we were together to the point of dictating where I shopped and who I went with as well as who I could and couldn't speak to. I don't want him to have that sort of hold over me again or for him to develop that sort of control over my child.

I'm not putting his name on the birth certificate and if we bump intro each other and he asks I'm planning to tell him that someone else is the father. Since he already thinks I'm a whore who'll spread my legs for anyone (because I worked up the courage to leave him) I'm sure he'll believe he isn't the father.

perplexedpirate Thu 21-Feb-13 11:47:10

Good for you OP, and congratulation on your pregnancy.

Goldmandra Tue 19-Feb-13 19:19:10

It was horrible at the time but he doesn't remember it and seems none the worse for the experience. He has not seen his father again.

Thumbwitch Tue 19-Feb-13 19:17:26

Blesseddespair - good call. And I hope you can come up with a decent cover story for when your family start wanting to know what happened, because they will be unlikely to accept "I'm not telling you" and just keep pushing.
thanks and brew for you - hope you enjoy your pregnancy and congratulations!

Thumbwitch Tue 19-Feb-13 19:15:27

Oh Gold, that's awful! sad and angry - hope the baby was ok in the end? Shocking that anyone could do that to such a tiny helpless little baby, urgh.

McNewPants2013 Tue 19-Feb-13 17:19:45

You sound very sensible good luck with the future and wish you all the best with the pregnancy.

I think you are a very brave women thanks

Goldmandra Tue 19-Feb-13 16:21:42

The OP asked because she needed to hear different experiences and opinions in order to help her see all sides and make a reasonable, balanced decision. IMO it was a good idea, she listened and has made the best decision she can for her child based on what she read on here plus a hell of a lot more experience and information than she could possibly share on this thread.

MN isn't about being told what to do. It's about asking and listening to people who can sometimes help you see things from a different perspective.

Most people who have personal experience of an abusive relationship think she has made the right decision. Having, myself, cared for a 4 week old baby who had multiple fractures from being thrown across the room by a man who sounds very like the OP's ex, I too think she has probably made the right decision.

I very much hope that in the future her child will understand and agree with her.

CountTurdula Tue 19-Feb-13 13:37:55

Why does your need to know your father trump your mums need to be safe? I am actually gob smacked that you think that her being physically assaulted is less important than you wanting to know the prick that did it!


The safety of the mum and her baby are the priority imo. Fuck him.

LittleEdie Tue 19-Feb-13 13:17:19


HerrenaHarridan Tue 19-Feb-13 13:12:02

Wtf is with people " don't know what she bothered asking meh meh meh meh meh"

Just because your argument was not convincing enough to sway her doesn't mean she shouldn't of asked.
She made in clear on the op that she had decided what to do and was wanting to be sure.
I think she listened very reasonably.

It really bugs me when people do that

Sorry to hijack your thread with a rant op. just listen to your heart, you clearly already know the answer!

HerrenaHarridan Tue 19-Feb-13 13:04:11

Hi op,
As a daughter who has father unknown on her birth certificate...
as a daughter who has to this day never seen a picture of her dad never mind spoken to him...
As a daughter who will never know her biological dad...

I would like to say to you

Under no circumstances should you lie to your child, the truth in increments will suffice.

There were many times in my childhood I cried for the daddy I didn't have. I would have given anything to know him

As an adult I have no desire to contact him at all, anyone who could treat my mum like that has no part in my life. I am not even slightly screwed up (about that smile)

As a woman and fellow dv sufferer I say only you know for sure.

If you do decide to keep this to yourself please write a will stating a guardian and enclose for them a letter with everything you know about xp so that if your dc want to go looking they can, even if something unexpected happens to you.

See you in lone parents section smile

Sugarice Tue 19-Feb-13 13:00:01

You've made the right decision Blessed.

BlessedDespair Tue 19-Feb-13 12:52:50

Lottikins I posted as I was unsure but yes I've decided not to inform him. Not sure why you think that's wrong?

Is my and my childs right to a safe and happy life somehow less than his right to control every aspect of both our lives? As that is what will happen if he knows for sure that my child is also his. He's very good at making you believe that he knows best and that you are nothing more than a wayward child in need of guidance or a trip over his knee to make his point clear. Mutual friends don't know why I left him as 'we seemed to be such a good couple'. Yes because you were carefully selected and approved friends. My real friends see him for what he is and support my decision.

My child will know who their father is and how to find him so they will not be denied the opportunity. If they do choose to meet him, knowing the reasons why we split then I will support their decision and help them as much as possible. Hopefully they won't have too many issues relating to not knowing their bio father and will understand why I have made the decisions I have.

To all those offering congratulations and words of advice - Thank you it's nice to know that I'm not quite so alone smile

Lottikins Tue 19-Feb-13 11:53:30

Ok well I'm bowing out now,I don't know why she bothered asking when she had already decided.
But just to say I think what she is doing is fundamentally very very wrong and is going to come back to bite her on the bum bigtime!

SolidGoldBrass Tue 19-Feb-13 10:19:02

THere is also plenty of time before the child will ask questions, so the OP's best option is to get on with her life, avoid contact with this man (she can block him to the point of taking out a non-molestation order if necessary to prevent him contacting her in any way). As to 'needing to know your bio-parents', this isn't necessary. I was adopted as a baby, have never traced my bio-family and it simply isn't a big deal (I am nearly 50). Some people get all whiny-arse about their 'roots' but it's only a problem if you make it one.

As I said, OP, take advice from Women's Aid on protecting yourself legally from this man, enjoy your pregnancy and best of luck.

Goldmandra Tue 19-Feb-13 09:52:13

you are going to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder

Crikey Lottikins! Don't you think she's doing that already?

Telling people who have been in a abusive relationship that they should still run their life around not making the abuser angry is tantamount to saying they are responsible for the abuse.

The OP needs to make the right decision for her baby and shouldn't be scared into doing something which sentences her and the child to further abuse.

Lottikins Tue 19-Feb-13 09:38:53

From a practical point of view- have you anyo mutual friends/aquaintances?Are you planning on moving to a new area?
I just think ,aside from the moral duty to tell him, he is going to be furious down the road to find out he has a DC you never told him about, and you are going to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder

diaimchlo Tue 19-Feb-13 08:59:50

What a nightmare position you are in OP and I believe YANBU in not wanting to share the news of your pregnancy with him based on his abusive behaviour.

In an ideal world not telling the father would be the correct decision, but after a lifetime of risk assessing I think there is one issue that I don't think has been brought forward that is in the interest of the safety of your unborn child. God forbid that your DC will develop a medical condition that requires your ex's or a member of his immediate family's physical input to ensure recovery. It may be a difficult situation if in a few years down the line you all of a sudden announce to him that he has a child that requires his input.

I wish you all the best xx

Goldmandra Tue 19-Feb-13 08:33:14

Say nothing because it is nobody's business but your own.

Inertia Tue 19-Feb-13 08:25:25

Not sure that it's a good idea to go down the road of naming sperm donor clinics TBH - too public. Think I'd be inclined to go down the road of the father being a man you were with a short while , didn't get to the stage of introducing him to people, he did a runner when you found you were pregnant.

TheFallenMadonna Mon 18-Feb-13 23:04:28

I don't know my biological father, and am thankful for it, as my mum married a fab man who adopted me, and I have a younger brother and sister.

My mum did however keep his details, so far as she knew them, but I never wanted them.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 18-Feb-13 23:00:08

Correct legal way?

Just going by the legal way. Its all down to the absent parent to chase contact nothing at all is down to the rp until such time as a request has been made.

Its perfectly legal for a unmarried mother to not disclose any thing about a pregnancy to anybody,it is also perfectly legal to refuse to name a father. There is no legal obligation to inform or to do anything involving the other parent.

And a father who is not named on a birth certificate has no responsibilities towards a child.(certainly last year fathers name section was left blank as opposed to unknown for those who are interested)

So thats a perfectly correct legal way.

The legal way that involves arranging things with regard to orders ect is only relevant if both parties know of the existence of a biological child and the absent parent desires contact.

op if your of an age where by you could legitimately say biological clock is ticking loudly you could have used a sperm donation clinic and got lucky first time. Its a good rumour to start.

If anybody that's likely to repeat anything to The ex just knock a few weeks off how far along you are,if asked directly about him being the dad by anybody at all just say of course not.

Avoid places he hangs out,and don't post anything on fb unless its in several months and its a status that says "wow xyz clinic is brilliant donation worked first time".

Lafaminute Mon 18-Feb-13 22:58:03

DH is adopted - he has no idea of his biological background. This is something he has had to make peace with and so he has done. This happens. I also know someone who was too drunk to remember which guy she slept with when she became pregnant (nice!) so these things happen. Not ideal but nor is it the end of the world.

NomNomDePlumPudding Mon 18-Feb-13 22:52:22

don't even think of telling him. you can tell your child about him as you deem it appropriate, until then, spare both of you the upset.

TheChaoGoesMu Mon 18-Feb-13 22:51:45

I wouldn't tell op. but you would have to tell no one at all, just in case.

SirBoobAlot Mon 18-Feb-13 22:45:21

YANBU. Not at all. He's not a dad, he's an abusive prick.

Take care of yourself and your baby.

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