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Is my sister BU?

(79 Posts)
LikeAWire Sun 17-Feb-13 22:41:23

NC as talking about our salaries etc. Our parents didn't earn very much and sacrificed a lot, particularly financially, so that we could have the best experiences growing up. As they have got older they have got progressively worse-off and now earn just under the average.

In contrast, my sister and I did very well out of their efforts and she earns £22.5k plus bonuses and will earn more once she qualifies. I earn £23k and am looking forward to a substantial promotion in the summer if all goes well. We are 24 and 25 respectively. DP comes from an extremely well-off background and is very generous. This is all relevant.

We have a kitchen gadget that my DM fell in love with over Christmas. It is approx £100 so not too much money to either DSis or me/DP, particularly in light of how much our parents have given us/continue to want to give us even though we stand on our own feet. Her birthday has gone, Christmas has gone so I suggested that we buy it for Mothers' Day. DSis refused on the grounds that it's too much. Meanwhile DM is talking about buying a v cheap version -all she can afford - and I am fuming that we can so easily buy her a good version, save for DSis holding out (our presents are always joint - if DP and I buy it family WW3 will break out). Eventually I have persuaded her that, if DF contributes what they would have spent, we will make the difference up.

Now it's their major anniversary coming up at the end of the year. They want to go away with us for the weekend. DM says maybe they'll treat themselves to a non-Travelodge stay. So I said to DSis that their present could be a nice hotel stay, just a normal nice hotel, nothing extreme (they are strictly caravan/Travelodge people, as we were until I met DP and DSis got her job - DSis gets to stay in some v swanky places for work and was bitching about being put in a Premier Inn last year). DSis said fine but it "had to" have a family room she could stay in with DParents as she wasn't forking out for a single room plus the share of their room. I don't think it's nice that it's their anniversary and they have to share a room with their adult child hmm so I have agreed with DP that we will split the cost of her room and ours three ways. He is fine with it as he wants my parents to have a good time but a bit hmm with my sister after all the fuss about the kitchen gadget - it has taken me since Christmas to get her to part with more than £10 on a gift for my Mum.

Is DSis BU? She has the money, we have the money and we are in this fortunate position thanks to the boost my parents gave us. I'm not suggesting we go OTT but I think we can afford to treat them now.

ZillionChocolate Sun 17-Feb-13 23:18:08

I agree you need to stop with the joint presents. It's plainly not working for you or her.

SIBU trying to share a room with your parents. Weird.

uptherear Sun 17-Feb-13 23:18:11

I too agree with previous posts that the problem lies with the joint present buying. I'm afraid I'd just say 'dh and I are going to buy XYZ for Mum and Dad, do you want to chip in? No worries if not, we will get it and you can buy what you fancy for them'.

Think she is BVU wanting to sleep in their rm on their anniversary. blush

TheSecondComing Sun 17-Feb-13 23:18:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

£22.5k well off confused not really. YABU

So is your mum getting the Panasonic bread maker or not <wondering if my Colombo style hunch is correct>

StuntGirl Sun 17-Feb-13 23:44:51

I reckon its a kitchen aid babies grin

fatnfrumpy Sun 17-Feb-13 23:49:19

I think your Dsis is being tight however that is her perogative.
If I were you I would treat my parents without help from Dsis.
If you feel that your parents sacrificed a lot for your future then don't feel ashamed of spoiling them now!

Corygal Sun 17-Feb-13 23:49:25

Yr sis is earning well under the average, and is single and self-supporting to boot. She sounds like the worst-off member of the family by rather a lot.

YABU - do the no joint presents thang and spend whatever you want. And I'm assuming you gave her a very expensive Xmas present...

For £100? Where can I get a kitchen aid for £100?!?!?! <getting excited> they're 4x that aren't they?

GrowSomeCress Sun 17-Feb-13 23:53:53

YANBU, £22.5k is quite a bit with bonuses especially as she has no children (from what I gather)

but I do think you need to stop with the joint present thing.

MrsKeithRichards Sun 17-Feb-13 23:55:31

Did you miss a zero of your figures there op?

breatheslowly Mon 18-Feb-13 00:10:29

YABU -you really shouldn't look for ways to spend other people's money, it isn't yours to spend. 22.5k isn't a huge salary and you look to be spending about £200 of her net wage on these things.

JeeanieYuss Mon 18-Feb-13 00:29:44

Erm, sorry but YABU to do joint gift's and moan that your sister wouldn't contribute to the kitchen appliance, therefore your Mum had to wait etc/taking you ages to get DS to agree to help pay for it.. All that could of been solved if you had just paid for it yourself.

I couldn't imagine having to share present buying with an older sibling and them moaning about ho much it cost and all that palava. If my DM was alive I would just buy it and whatever else I wanted to treat her too, I think it's all rather odd really and maybe if you say she wanted it that much why didn't you just get it for her? No, seriously, why not?

JeeanieYuss Mon 18-Feb-13 00:30:15


GW297 Mon 18-Feb-13 00:30:53

I'm guessing it's a kitchen aid too! When you are on your own and have to pay for everything yourself it's really tough financially. Couples don't always appreciate this. Why not ask your sister for a contribution if you want the gifts to be from both of you rather than half? She needs her own room in the hotel though for sure!

VenusRising Mon 18-Feb-13 00:43:39

You are no longer joined at the hip.

Do your own thing.

And let your DSis do her own thing.

No judging.

RougePygmy Mon 18-Feb-13 00:43:57

It was decided between my siblings that we would be getting my mother an ipad between us for xmas one year.

Now, I love my mother, and at the time, i was probably earning the most on paper, and had the whole "but you can afford it" malarkey. This was when they were brand new and still very very expensive.

But it had been decided by other siblings that this was what we were doing.

It turned out with me having to order it and pay for it in full, (since I apparently had loads of money) and then I would get their share back straight away. Took me 3 months to get that money back.

And no, we could not afford even our fair share, as I had just gone back to work after mat leave, dh had been made redundant while i was on mat leave, so we had no savings, and a few CC debts we were paying off, and had had to start paying huge childcare bills as we were both back at work just before that xmas, and we could barely afford Christmas for ourselves as it was.

But I paid out full price for the ipad, and myself and dh got each other nothing for Xmas that year, and Ds, for his first xmas, got a £10 gift. He was 11 months old, and as such, it could be said he did not need anything more, but i was very upset, esp as his Birthday was in January, and because my siblings did not give me the money back straight away, we did nothing and could get him nothing for his 1st bday.

But I had to go along with it, as they had told my Mom, before mentioning it to me, that this was what we were doing, and promised to transfer the money to me the same day i bought it.

Now, my siblings are usually lovely, they just got caught up with a moment of insanity that year, with an idea that ran away with them, they have never before or since done anything like that since, but fuck me was it annoying and I am still quite bitter years later.

Never ever presume to tell anyone else what they can afford!

ArseBandit Mon 18-Feb-13 04:51:26

Why would it cause WW3 if you and hubby just bought your own gift??

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Mon 18-Feb-13 05:02:48

Agree with the "stop the joint present buying" brigade. You are 24 and 25, time to move on and do things separately.

Buy the £100 present yourself is it means that much to you, or give your mum a gift voucher for half the price, so that she can buy it herself?

You have a partner now, buy things with him, not with your sister.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 18-Feb-13 05:22:28

Your sense of having done well, for both of you, seems to be based on future earnings. Maybe your dsis is more of a 'bird in the hand' person, without reserves, whereas you are gearing up to spend your future salary, courtesy of your DP.

If you're the eldest I suspect this is about attitude too and that you feel more grateful and responsible about what your parents have given you, now as a fellow adult, whereas in her head your sister is still a child, who is used to being given things.

Her attitude to the hotel room certainly suggests that, though goes beyond childish into quite weird.

Lavenderhoney Mon 18-Feb-13 05:23:52

Agree with the joint present buying. Sounds very stressy to me. Just get your dm what she wants if you can afford it. Why would your dsis begrudge her having it just because it's not a shared present? Or she thinks it's too much! I don't like that comment tbh.

And she shouldnt crash your parents night in a hotel! How would she feel if she was with a dp and dm wanted to share? Your parents might want to get it onsmile

Just book a double for them with the flowrs etc and see what the price of a single is. You can work out the price difference from the cost of a triple and the cost of a single. The hotel might do a deal. Your sis might not be so well off, but it's up to each of you what you choose to do with your money.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 18-Feb-13 05:33:43

On the hotel thing, your parents have said they'll treat themselves. Are they expecting you to pay for your rooms, or is that their treat to you? Maybe they want to choose where they go for their anniversary. It sounds a bit like you're trying to take over. Couldn't you cover extras that go beyond their usual budget or experience; a meal, flowers, nice wine, a spa or other activity treat, whatever.

GingerBlondecat Mon 18-Feb-13 06:08:40

Unless you missed a couple of 000's in your post................

I gather your DH also brings in an income. So you get twice (at least) the income She does.
you did not mention a partner for her.

She is Not ur about spending less. but, it is time to start getting seperate pressies. You two are adults now. And on totally different incomes.

Pendipidy Mon 18-Feb-13 06:21:41

It seems very strange to me that at your ages you are still giving joint gifts! It is something 10 and 9 year olds would do. When she has a partner is it going to carry on then? Seems excessive stress and messing about for what reason?
Why do you still do it?

ENormaSnob Mon 18-Feb-13 08:39:08


This would irritate the shit out of me. I wouldn't tolerate a sibling constantly money for mum and dad.

Oh and 22.5k is really not a big salary.

Narked Mon 18-Feb-13 08:47:07

'It seems very strange to me that at your ages you are still giving joint gifts! It is something 10 and 9 year olds would do'

^ This. You're adults. Stop buying joint presents when you clearly disagree on appropriate gifts.

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