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Is my sister BU?

(79 Posts)
LikeAWire Sun 17-Feb-13 22:41:23

NC as talking about our salaries etc. Our parents didn't earn very much and sacrificed a lot, particularly financially, so that we could have the best experiences growing up. As they have got older they have got progressively worse-off and now earn just under the average.

In contrast, my sister and I did very well out of their efforts and she earns £22.5k plus bonuses and will earn more once she qualifies. I earn £23k and am looking forward to a substantial promotion in the summer if all goes well. We are 24 and 25 respectively. DP comes from an extremely well-off background and is very generous. This is all relevant.

We have a kitchen gadget that my DM fell in love with over Christmas. It is approx £100 so not too much money to either DSis or me/DP, particularly in light of how much our parents have given us/continue to want to give us even though we stand on our own feet. Her birthday has gone, Christmas has gone so I suggested that we buy it for Mothers' Day. DSis refused on the grounds that it's too much. Meanwhile DM is talking about buying a v cheap version -all she can afford - and I am fuming that we can so easily buy her a good version, save for DSis holding out (our presents are always joint - if DP and I buy it family WW3 will break out). Eventually I have persuaded her that, if DF contributes what they would have spent, we will make the difference up.

Now it's their major anniversary coming up at the end of the year. They want to go away with us for the weekend. DM says maybe they'll treat themselves to a non-Travelodge stay. So I said to DSis that their present could be a nice hotel stay, just a normal nice hotel, nothing extreme (they are strictly caravan/Travelodge people, as we were until I met DP and DSis got her job - DSis gets to stay in some v swanky places for work and was bitching about being put in a Premier Inn last year). DSis said fine but it "had to" have a family room she could stay in with DParents as she wasn't forking out for a single room plus the share of their room. I don't think it's nice that it's their anniversary and they have to share a room with their adult child hmm so I have agreed with DP that we will split the cost of her room and ours three ways. He is fine with it as he wants my parents to have a good time but a bit hmm with my sister after all the fuss about the kitchen gadget - it has taken me since Christmas to get her to part with more than £10 on a gift for my Mum.

Is DSis BU? She has the money, we have the money and we are in this fortunate position thanks to the boost my parents gave us. I'm not suggesting we go OTT but I think we can afford to treat them now.

LikeAWire Sun 17-Feb-13 22:43:16

Sorry, just seen the time. I have to get up at 0545 tomorrow so will be back tomorrow afternoon to check replies. Thanks in the meantime smile

DeepPurple Sun 17-Feb-13 22:44:18

May be she has less money than you think she does?

LikeAWire Sun 17-Feb-13 22:45:58

She doesn't. I know because she loaned me some money three years ago so I could complete a professional qualification (at the time DP and I had only been together a year and we weren't at that stage of sharing). I know how much she has because she let me know when we worked out how much I could pay he back in installments.

wannabedomesticgoddess Sun 17-Feb-13 22:46:30

Really a bit confused.

I think YABU. Its her money really and not up to you how she spends it.

I think you need to get round the joint present nonsense. If you can afford the gadget then buy it.

Though surely a hotel break costs more than £100 <baffled>

She is BVVVU for wanting to sleep in their room. And a bit weird.

cees Sun 17-Feb-13 22:47:13

Cause ww3 and just get them your own gift, break the pattern and you won't feel like your always at your sister for money for this and that gift. You and your partner are a couple so just do gift from likeawire and mrlikeawire.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel Sun 17-Feb-13 22:47:22

YABU I think. If you want to buy your DM something or spend money on her then I think its unfair for you to decide and just expect your DSis to pitch in the amount you specify. Why not just buy what you want yourself and leave your DSis to buy her own presents?

I'm guessing she doesn't share every aspect of her financial dealings with you so she might not be able to afford it.

StuntGirl Sun 17-Feb-13 22:48:02

Buy the presents seperately. You clearly have different ideas about presents. I would also be financially generous in your position, but she clearly doesn't see it the same way. Do your own thing and let her do as she will.

VBisme Sun 17-Feb-13 22:48:56

I'm sorry but I think YABU, you have a well off DP, your sister does not and isn't really earning very much if she lives alone and pays bills.

I think it's nice you want to treat your DParents, but you don't need to drag your sister into it.

She is BU for wanting a family room with your DParents.

squeakytoy Sun 17-Feb-13 22:49:27

bizarre.. confused

CloudsAndTrees Sun 17-Feb-13 22:50:00

The problem isn't what your sister wants to spend, the problem is that you have to do every gift as a joint thing.

Is that really going to last forever?

I'd have a chat with your sister and gently say that as you can't agree on what you get your parents on special occasions, you'd prefer to be able to do your own thing which leave her able to spend whatever she is comfortable with. She isn't in the wrong for wanting to spend less than you, you just have different, equally valid, opinions.

maddening Sun 17-Feb-13 22:52:11

Is she single ? Life for a singleton is more expensive than life as part of a childless couple - so 22.5 k would have to cover more and if she travels for work am sure she gets extra personal expenses she can't claim back.

Maybe going foeward do presents separately. As for the weekend away you set the standard by the smallest budget - if it's special and you want a higher budget then it is reasonable for df and yourselves to chip in as it is important she is there and you are stretching beyond her budget.

MumVsKids Sun 17-Feb-13 22:53:39

All sounds a bit odd really. Just buy the gadget for your dm for Mother's Day and be done with it.

Let sis sort out her own gift and if ww3 breaks out because you didn't go joint on the present, them i think you are all being unreasonable unless you really have nothing else to worry about.

NotAnotherNewNappy Sun 17-Feb-13 22:53:44

YABU as you seem to think your single sister should be contributing the same to your parents gifts as you and your v well off DP, when a fairer split would be more like a 3rd each.

It sounds like your attitude to money as changed since you met your minted & extravagant DP? Whereas your sister is still being careful with money, as your sensible parents probably taught her to be. Lay off her and think of your own treats for your parents, if that's what you want. But don't assume she loves them any less than you do.

Pancakeflipper Sun 17-Feb-13 22:54:31

Stop the joint present stuff cos you are not happy and she is not happy.

I don't understand why the fact she had money to lend you 3 yrs ago means she cannot have financial issues now. Or perhaps she is tight with money when it come to present buying but that's her issue.

And she really wants to stay the night in the same room as your parents on their W/Anniversary? Really?

StuntGirl Sun 17-Feb-13 22:55:14

Also three years is a LONG time financially and a LOT can change. You know nothing about her finances OP.

Megatron Sun 17-Feb-13 22:55:37

I find it odd that two adult siblings in their twenties are still buying joint presents to be honest. I can understand it for the anniversary one but not birthdays or Christmas etc. Stop all that and buy your parents what you want.

She may be struggling financially on £23k if she has bills and rent etc and doesn't have a wealthy DP like you have.

LikeAWire Sun 17-Feb-13 22:56:02

Okay, I accept I'm being U about asking her to spend her money on stuff she doesn't want to get. When we both didn't have money it was a way of buying a nicer gift and we had fairly equal ideas about what to get.

I have offered to let her contribute whatever she is comfortable with and I would make up the rest but she didn't want to do that.

Since the kitchen gadget is sorted (she has already called Dad and spoken to him) I will phrase it as cloudsandtrees suggests for the anniversary and beyond.

And I did a very lame job of going to bed when I had a live AIBU thread grin

Confuseddd Sun 17-Feb-13 22:56:47

I agree with the others, that WW3 might be in order! You might feel liberated if you just give up the joint present thing.

Uppermid Sun 17-Feb-13 22:56:48

Why do you have to get joint presents?! You get what you want or your mum, let your sister get what she wants. End of.

deleted203 Sun 17-Feb-13 22:58:39

It's difficult. I can see why you think DSis is being unreasonable, but unless you are fully conversant with her finances it's hard to demand she cough up a sum that you have deemed is affordable.

I gather you are with a partner and sister isn't? So you also have DPs salary to rely on (and you say he is well off and generous). DSis may well not have very much at all left over at the end of the month.

FWIW my Sister is a bit like you - she is forever phoning me and suggesting we pay for this/that for my parents. This year we went halves on their Golden Wedding party (about £400 each) which nearly crippled us. Then she wanted me to share in an expensive Christmas present for them both and I had to say I couldn't afford to. My sister doesn't seem to be appreciate that she and her DH both work full time in professional jobs, have a small mortgage and no children. DH and I both work - but we have a large property in need of a lot of work and 5 DCs! We are permanently strapped for cash. Sis just says huffily, 'Well you both work! Surely you can afford to chip in for Mum and Dad? They would love this...'

It makes me feel mean- but I genuinely can't afford it.

itsakindarabbit Sun 17-Feb-13 23:01:16

I don't consider your sister well off. I was earning that at her age 10 yrs ago and living in a hovel!! Its not for you to dictate howshe spends her money.

MidniteScribbler Sun 17-Feb-13 23:04:23

I think it's time you just said no to buying joint presents. You're a grown up now, so just say no. If she kicks up a fuss, that's her problem. Presumably she has figured out that if she says no, that you'll put in the majority of the money and she gets to look she chipped in fairly. Just put a stop to it.

Book two rooms at the hotel, and make sure that they are both only doubles. Tell her the name and phone number of the hotel and tell her to book herself if she wants to come. Tell your parents the gift is from you and your DH. She can buy something else for their anniversary (or not if she prefers).

Buy the kitchen gadget and just give it to your parents "just because". You don't need to wait for specific present giving opportunities to buy something for them.

Thingiebob Sun 17-Feb-13 23:05:48

Perhaps she has far more financial issues than you realise?

I think YABU to expect your sister to divvy up money if she doesn't want to spend it. She might be stingy but it is her money to be stingy about iyswim.

My income is far more than your sister's but for various reasons we are really counting the pennies.

As someone once said on here 'It's not your income, it is your outgoings that matter'.

mantlepiece Sun 17-Feb-13 23:10:12

noooo you need to stop the joint present giving NOW. You are now in a partnership, you have moved on. That is the crux of the matter, just leave her to sort her own arrangements re gift giving.

YABU to try and make her contribute to anything.

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