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AIBU? Because I honestly think I might be, but I'm still cross. Hen do, wedding related

(18 Posts)
Scarletskies Sun 17-Feb-13 19:34:14

I have felt cross about this for a few hours, so partly want to vent but also to know whether I am being unreasonable, because at the moment, I feel like a bit of a cow.

So- Friend A is getting married. The venue is minimum 5 hour drive from any of her family, friends, including me. I am a bridesmaid along with Friend B (and two others).

To give background, because the wedding is so far away, people will need to spend the night before the wedding and the wedding night in hotels, bride has expressed desire that hen do does not cost a fortune. However, this week, Friend B has posted thread on Facebook (which I don't really read religiously) including ALL hen do goers, with a plan for hen do in a town in the north. Near to where she lives. I, bride, and another BM live in south, and asking everyone to transfer her money to pay for booking spa, hotel and other activities over the weekend. We are talking probably..two hundred and fifty plus for the weekend.

Now I am not one to be stingy, and I like both Friend A and Friend B v much. But I feel upset and narked not to have my opinion asked, added to the weekend being...well- really awkward, and expensive for those that are coming from so far, soon before the wedding when we'll all be going in the other direction.

Have voiced these concerns and Friend B has basically said she's looked into it, is the best there is, everyone else has agreed - and that's that.

AIBU to consider not going?
<Disclaimer: I know there are more important things in life than hen parties.>

aldiwhore Sun 17-Feb-13 19:39:36


Is this supposed to be a surprise for the bride? I hate these sort of things as it means the bride rarely gets what she wants and other invitees have to deal with people they don't necessarily know.

I would ask friend B to contact the bride. OR I would contact the bride and just say you can't tell her what is planned but it's way out of your price range so can't go... then see if you and the bride can do something together at some point.

I was one of the sheep that went along with plans. I didn't know the 'bridefriend' who was organising it, and it was strictly a surprise. It cost me about £400 in total (in dribs and drabs, the costs kept increasing!!) and the bride was really upset. The potential friendship and bonding was ruined when people eventually refused to spend more, leaving the organising friend seriously out of pocket (her own fault).

Good luck!

Trills Sun 17-Feb-13 19:40:15

YANBU to not go if you can't afford it.

YA also NBU to say that it's too much money and see if a cheaper alternative is suggested - "everyone else" might be saying yes when they'd also prefer something cheaper.

snowmummy Sun 17-Feb-13 19:41:23

If Friend B was asked to arrange the hen do and the bride is in agreement with the plans then there's not a lot you can do but you would not be unreasonable to explain that you cannot afford to go.

BlatantLies Sun 17-Feb-13 19:41:54

I wouldn't go. It sounds too much on top of the wedding costs.

NorthernLurker Sun 17-Feb-13 19:43:47

YANBU. Tell B you can't afford it and tell the Bride you're sorry and can you take her out to afternoon tea somewhere nice before the big day. Perhaps other BM can come too and you can treat your friend without it costing an arm and a leg.

Trills Sun 17-Feb-13 19:43:51

"Please transfer me money" is not the point at which you should first find out about the approximate cost.

HecateWhoopass Sun 17-Feb-13 19:45:15

Why don't you contact the other attendees and find out what they actually think, rather than just taking her at her word.

She may be telling all of you that everyone else is happy with it.

Scarletskies Sun 17-Feb-13 19:45:17

It is not so much a case of affording it; the wedding is more than 6 months away, the hen do about 6 months away- I could do it. But I think I should have been asked.

Friend B wasn't asked to do it. Hen do will be a suprise and we would all be paying for the bride.

aldiwhore Sun 17-Feb-13 19:46:41

Then book somewhere for that weekend WITH the bride?? wink mwhaha.

squeaver Sun 17-Feb-13 19:46:58

What does the bride think?

(don't go)

squeaver Sun 17-Feb-13 19:48:34

Oh sorry, x-posts.

Do you know the other bridesmaids? What do they think?

Sparkletastic Sun 17-Feb-13 19:49:04

How close are you to the bride? And how keen is she on surprises? Either talk to bride or consult other hens tactfully on what they think.

BillyBollyDandy Sun 17-Feb-13 19:49:16

Ask bride where she would like her hen do - thereby not ruining any surprise. Tell friend B what she says, and if you were mean could then organise cheaper weekend and also email that around all hen do goers.


simplesusan Sun 17-Feb-13 19:53:08

YANBU to not go. I can however understand friend B organising something near where she lives especially if she has to travel such a long way to the wedding.

Why is the bride getting married at that specific venue?
Does the groom's family live there or something?
Whilst there is nothing wrong in getting married exactly where you want, you cannot expect guests to travel for 5 hours, that is ott.

TiddlyOmPomPom Sun 17-Feb-13 19:54:20

I wouldn't go, I like Northern's idea of taking her out for afternoon tea with the other local bridesmaid.

Weddings are expensive enough to go to without people extorting money from you for something you weren't consulted about.
IMO the hen do is not the important event, so don't worry about offending. As long as you explain nicely to the bride, you needn't feel bad about missing it.

Trills Sun 17-Feb-13 19:55:16

You can still talk to the bride.

At the very least the bride will know that something is being arranged, and what date it is on.

So you can still have a conversation of "B is arranging something that costs a lot of money and is a long way away" without disclosing any details.

Scarletskies Sun 17-Feb-13 20:11:35

Am going to say to Friend B that it just doesnt work for me and I'll speak to the bride about doing something down here.

No reason for far away venue, they know no-one down there.

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