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To ban my daughter from seeing 2,of her friends

(63 Posts)
northcountrygirl Sun 17-Feb-13 11:54:12

My 12 year old daughter has two friends. I'll call them Molly and Jane. I don't like Molly anyway and never have. I think she's rude and seems to run wild as her parents don't seem to know or care where she is. She has made my daughter cry on numerous occasions as she seems quite spiteful.

On Friday all three girls were involved in an incident that I found completely unacceptable. They trespassed on a neighbours driveway and were hanging around in their garden along with approximately 12 other children ranging in age from 12 up to 15. This was just after school on their way home. The neighbour came out and told them all to leave her garden as they were trespassing. The children then starting hurling abuse at the poor women, calling her names such as "fat bitch" and "racist" (not sure where that one came from).

I left work as soon as I could and took my daughter round to apologise for her part in all this. My own daughter was one of the quieter ones but she was rude to this lady. The lady was clearly still upset by this and said she would be reporting to school. She appreciated my daughters apology and I assured her my daughter would be punished at home and I would support the school if they also issued a punishment.

I am best friends with janes mum so I told her what had happened. For reasons I absolutely do not understand janes mum is angry at the neighbour fir being rude to her daughter and doesn't have a problem at all with her being rude to an adult and shouting and screaming on the street.

This is the 3rd time Molly has been cheeky to a neighbour. On one occasion she was trespassing and the second occasion she was bullying a much younger child. Each time when "told off" by the adult Molly has shouted abuse back at the adult.

I am disgusted that my own daughter seems to be heading down the same path as these other girls and have told her she is not allowed any contact with these other girls until they apologise to the neighbour. I am worried about my daughters attitude and the fact she got involved in a situation that she should have known was totally out of order.

My friend now seems to have fallen out with me as I've banned my daughter from associating with hers. What else can I do though? I don't want my daughter being known as "one of the 3 asbo girls". I cannot trust my daughter to make the correct decision when these other girls behave badly. My daughter does have other friends who behave well and I don't want her jeopardising these friendships by associating with "wrong UBS"

mrsjay Sat 02-Mar-13 17:49:31

oh a few at DDs school dont support school intervention at all some of dd1s classmates parents were very precious of their Dds , but at least you are supporting it, and she has moved on to new friends. I have a nearly 20 yr old who works away sometimes I worry myself sick about her,

northcountrygirl Sat 02-Mar-13 14:22:22

They sure are challenging! I don't think I'll ever stop worrying about them. My mum says she still worries about me and I'm 40!

I've never worked in a school so don't have any experience but I would imagine the mum would crop up in staff room conversation. I've never heard of anyone ever not supporting a school punishment.

mrsjay Sat 02-Mar-13 14:10:29

and Janes mum well I think you are well away from her and Jane she sounds hard work

mrsjay Sat 02-Mar-13 14:09:37

My daughter is still not friends with "Jane" and "Molly" and seems to have found a much nicer group of girls to hang round with. Both me and her father have seen a massive improvement in her behaviour and attitude and so far there have been no negative comments in her school planner. No positive comments either but we live in hope...

^ ^ this is what is important in all this that your DD is happy with her new group of friends children go through peaks and troughs with friendships so just stick with it smile

I think the school dealing with it was great glad it has worked out high school Children are a erm challenge eh wink

northcountrygirl Sat 02-Mar-13 14:03:10

I thought I would update this thread as a lot has happened in the space of a week.

The school has been absolutely fantastic. They came down really hard on all involved and asked them to write a letter of apology. They called the children into an office and four of the senior teachers gave them a big telling off and have told them they are still considering their punishment but are thinking about police involvement/banning from residential trip/banning from end of year trip/isolation unit. So the kids are all waiting for he axe to fall! The teachers went round to see my neighbour at school home time and told off any children thy saw trying to use the garden as a cut through and also spoke to my neighbour.

My daughter is still not friends with "Jane" and "Molly" and seems to have found a much nicer group of girls to hang round with. Both me and her father have seen a massive improvement in her behaviour and attitude and so far there have been no negative comments in her school planner. No positive comments either but we live in hope...

So that's all good. BUT Jane's mum has de friended and blocked me on Facebook and also posted comments about me. Jane has not written her letter of apology as Jane's mum has told her not to. I think both myself and my daughter have actually had quite a lucky escape in truth, as I think it's probably best not to be associated with people who behave that way. Oh, and also I didn't mention in my previous posts but Jane lives next door so summer should be "interesting".

northcountrygirl Thu 21-Feb-13 00:20:02

That's supposed to be a pm. Obviously not got the hang of that!

northcountrygirl Thu 21-Feb-13 00:18:29

Thank you for your comments on my thread. I really appreciate your honesty.

I did actually read your comment on Sunday and have been mulling it over since then. I think in a lot of ways you're very right and now that I've calmed down I'm not as against my daughter as I was in my original post. But having said that you are right and my daughter has had a very fragile self esteem in the past, a point I'd completely forgotten about.

As a direct result of your post I put my annoyance aside with my daughter and we spent a girly evening together where I dyed her hair (against my better judgement cos my daughter has the most beautiful copper colour hair) and then we watched our all time favourite films of mamma mia and of course matilda.

So thank you (very genuinely) x

I will of course update my thread because unfortunately as I'm sure you can imagine it doesn't have a happy ending all round!

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Feb-13 17:05:19

No guarantees there won't be a similar group of children where the OP moves to though mrsb.

mrsbunnylove Sun 17-Feb-13 16:56:19

ban contact, move away, save your daughter's future.

mrsjay Sun 17-Feb-13 16:44:21

I said it can be 'normal' ish behaviour for groups of children when they get together socareless, so not including all children in every situation, but I'm surprised you think pre-teens/teens don't get a bit rowdy and mouthy when they get together with all their friends out in public.

^ ^ that even the best behaved children can be a bit gobby and even cheeky when they are with their friends especially at around this age no child is perfect and most will try and show off,

CheerfulYank Sun 17-Feb-13 16:34:16

I'd be furious. YANBU.

My brother and some neighborhood friends of ours harassed an elderly neighbor once, I'm ashamed to say. (Nothing like calling her those kinds of names, but still bad.) My mother marched us round immediately to apologize profusely and promise to do her yard work forever. Literally. (My brother did end up mowing her lawn for a few years.)

I had a "bad friend" when I was younger and my parents let me hang out with her but talked, talked, talked to me all the time about choices, etc. Finally they only let me see her at our house. At that age I was so jealous because she got to do whatever she wanted, but my parents were always telling me it'd come back to bite her in the end.

They were right...she's got two kids by fuckwit fathers now who live with her mother as she is only allowed supervised contact, numerous jail and rehab stints, her brother's entire college fund used up to pay for her court fees...

You are doing the right thing OP. Your poor neighbor!

Peggotty Sun 17-Feb-13 16:13:01

I'm sorry if you won't want to hear this but I think you sound a little 'down' on your dd. She's a 'bloody sheep' that you're 'so disappointed' in and she doesn't measure up to your academic ds? I understand that you're angry and upset at the incident that's happened, but I would be looking for the deeper cause of WHY she is 'a sheep' i.e easily led and influenced. Is she lacking in confidence and therefore hanging around with stronger characters? Her dyslexia and dyspraxia must be difficult for her to cope with. I think you're doing the right thing in teaching her what the consequences of her actions may be but she sounds a little vulnerable to me.

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Feb-13 16:02:35

I said it can be 'normal' ish behaviour for groups of children when they get together socareless, so not including all children in every situation, but I'm surprised you think pre-teens/teens don't get a bit rowdy and mouthy when they get together with all their friends out in public.

What do older DC do around your area when they meet up with their mates? Is it always inside? Do they always have somewhere to go? What about walking home together from school?

Narked Sun 17-Feb-13 15:03:31

Is she getting enough support for her dyslexia? Senior school can come as a big shock in terms of workload for DC generally and maybe more so in her case.

socareless Sun 17-Feb-13 14:57:25

Well done OP for taking this seriously. Please ignore the 'it is normal behaviour for children her age' - it is not!!

Be very firm. Racingheart makes a very good point about showing her how shocked you are. This will help in getting her to see how unacceptable that sort of behaviour is. Do not worry about not being able to control who she interacts with at school. Right now the priority should be to get her to understand how bad what she has done is.

Hopefully if she does see that such behaviour is unattractive she can then manage how she interacts with those girls.

As a child/teenager I did know girls who were up to no good, and I found them fascinating but I never joined in because I knew what would be waiting for me at home and I also had a clear understanding of right and wrong.

Good luck.

McNewPants2013 Sun 17-Feb-13 14:44:13

Well done to your neighbour, it must have taken gut to approach a group of teenager who was in her garden.

You sound like a good mother and banning this frienship seems the right thing to do.

I would very very angry if any my DC did this

Narked Sun 17-Feb-13 14:38:06


I don't know what to suggest. I just feel so sorry for that poor woman. As you've said your daughter has been on the sidelines of things before, though not involved until now, I might try telling her that this is her last chance - one more incident and you'll change schools.

ajandjjmum Sun 17-Feb-13 14:30:29

I thought the schools involvement would come from the fact that the neighbour said she would report the behaviour to the school - and as they were coming back from school, quite fairly imho.

mrsjay Sun 17-Feb-13 13:54:00

thats what I meant because it is a week school days and then the school can get involved, I am in agreement that the school should know and be involved,

northcountrygirl Sun 17-Feb-13 13:52:39

No but they wouldn't be wearing he uniform at he weekend. To be honest I know it's not the schools responsibility really but I am glad they involve themselves the way they do.

mrsjay Sun 17-Feb-13 13:50:46

Why should a school deal with this? I am not being confrontational, just curious. It didn't happen in school, or on school property?

because when they are going to and from school they are wearing their uniform and representing their school, you wouldn't report a group of kids to the school on a weekend for doing the same thing iyswim.

northcountrygirl Sun 17-Feb-13 13:41:16

I don't really compare her with her brother as academically he achieves much much higher than her and to be fair up until last year she did actually work harder and put more effort in than him. I have asked where her postcards are though as these are given out for effort rather than achievement.

It is disappointing though as obviously being twins they've been brought up the same. All my sons friends are lovely, well behaved, polite and law abiding. My daughter seems to prefer the thrill seeking "wild child" type girls though...

In fairness I was the same. I remember my parents banning me from seeing certain people and I ignored them too. I turned out ok eventually but not sure i would have if my parents hadn't been as hands on as they were.

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Feb-13 13:29:34

Mine's the same and has just shot up physically and mentally over the past few months, she's also had two detentions since being there for late homework/not having right PE kit as well hmm

I'm sure you don't do it out loud, but try not to compare her to her brother, it might make her wonder why she should bother even trying when she knows she can't come close to how he behaves.

Could your friend have had words with her DD in private? Just giving you a knee jerk reaction and mouthing off?

It's early days yet in showing what they'll turn out like eventually, they can still be having trouble into their 20s and still get it together in the end smile

northcountrygirl Sun 17-Feb-13 13:28:07

Sparkly the school would get involved as they were all in school uniform at the time so were representative of the school. There was another boy who was caught shoplifting whilst wearing uniform. It was after school so in his own time but the school got involved and punished him quite severely.

northcountrygirl Sun 17-Feb-13 13:26:24

That's a good idea agent zigzag. Actually some of her friends are involved with a church youth group that get involved with community projects. They meet up a couple of times a week and mainly just hang out and play games but they do things in the community too a few times a year so that may be good for her.

I'll look around locally I think and see what I can get her involved with. Maybe a bit of volunteering if they'll take someone of her age. I think she would be up for that actually.

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