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To ban my daughter from seeing 2,of her friends

(63 Posts)
northcountrygirl Sun 17-Feb-13 11:54:12

My 12 year old daughter has two friends. I'll call them Molly and Jane. I don't like Molly anyway and never have. I think she's rude and seems to run wild as her parents don't seem to know or care where she is. She has made my daughter cry on numerous occasions as she seems quite spiteful.

On Friday all three girls were involved in an incident that I found completely unacceptable. They trespassed on a neighbours driveway and were hanging around in their garden along with approximately 12 other children ranging in age from 12 up to 15. This was just after school on their way home. The neighbour came out and told them all to leave her garden as they were trespassing. The children then starting hurling abuse at the poor women, calling her names such as "fat bitch" and "racist" (not sure where that one came from).

I left work as soon as I could and took my daughter round to apologise for her part in all this. My own daughter was one of the quieter ones but she was rude to this lady. The lady was clearly still upset by this and said she would be reporting to school. She appreciated my daughters apology and I assured her my daughter would be punished at home and I would support the school if they also issued a punishment.

I am best friends with janes mum so I told her what had happened. For reasons I absolutely do not understand janes mum is angry at the neighbour fir being rude to her daughter and doesn't have a problem at all with her being rude to an adult and shouting and screaming on the street.

This is the 3rd time Molly has been cheeky to a neighbour. On one occasion she was trespassing and the second occasion she was bullying a much younger child. Each time when "told off" by the adult Molly has shouted abuse back at the adult.

I am disgusted that my own daughter seems to be heading down the same path as these other girls and have told her she is not allowed any contact with these other girls until they apologise to the neighbour. I am worried about my daughters attitude and the fact she got involved in a situation that she should have known was totally out of order.

My friend now seems to have fallen out with me as I've banned my daughter from associating with hers. What else can I do though? I don't want my daughter being known as "one of the 3 asbo girls". I cannot trust my daughter to make the correct decision when these other girls behave badly. My daughter does have other friends who behave well and I don't want her jeopardising these friendships by associating with "wrong UBS"

spanky2 Sun 17-Feb-13 12:46:36

I used to like hanging around with the bad girls at school . I grew out of it and became a 'responsible member of society ' Just trying to reassure you. I think you need to point out to her how would she feel if she was that poor woman . Possibly warn her you will pick her up from school and walk her home if you can'ttrust her to behave responsibly.

BackforGood Sun 17-Feb-13 12:47:04

I totally agree with what ILove JJ said.
You can't really dictate who your child hangs around with at school, but you can hopefully help her to think for herself and think about what options she has.

northcountrygirl Sun 17-Feb-13 12:49:35

The justification janes mum has given is that she thinks the neighbours drive is a public footpath. It isn't its private property but just doesn't have a fence round it. That's secondary really though - main issue for me is that they were threatening when asked to move.

xxDebstarxx Sun 17-Feb-13 12:51:14

Usually I would say don't get involved in your children's friendships but this situation is different. I wouldn't want my children being friends with other children who act this way and see nothing wrong in it. Or who have parents who see nothing wrong in such vile behaviour.

Your poor neighbour. Maybe ask her if there are any jobs she needs doing that your daughter can do for her. Kind of a community service for her bad behaviour. It is good that you are showing your daughter that there are consequences to her actions, this is the only way she will learn.

Lafaminute Sun 17-Feb-13 12:52:00

I think that this is the junction where they either continue with this sort of totally unacceptable behaviour or they discover the severe consequences of anti-social behaviour and learn to act as a positive part of a society. The other girls parents are not willing to put in the effort to correct their childrens behaviour so I would definitely say you are NBU by banning her from seeing these girls - encourage good friendships and discourage bad - your daughter will appreciate it someday. It must be so upsetting that your best friend reacted so badly about Janes bad behaviour.

mrsjay Sun 17-Feb-13 12:52:36

Do you think you being friends with the parents is keeping the friendship going IYSWIM friendship groups shift and change all the time with girls and perhaps because you are friends witht he mums it is keeping them all together I am not saying stop being friends with these women not sure what im saying really but I do think your dd has outgrown these girls she needs help to move on from them,

noddyholder Sun 17-Feb-13 12:53:10

I found the less things I over reacted to between 12 and 16 the better They do eventually work out who is and isn't a good friend and if you try and ban them they become very attractive and a bit risque. I had a problem with one of ds mates but he came and went in a few months as ds did work it out!

Branleuse Sun 17-Feb-13 13:02:19

yanbu I would definitely ban her, and ask the school to seperate them at school.

possibly even consider moving schools if it carries on

racingheart Sun 17-Feb-13 13:04:26

You've done exactly the right thing. If you've fallen out with a friend over this, then count yourself lucky, as she isn't a mum who will help your daughter stay on the right path as she hits adolescence. Really I think being as strict and shocked as you can as early as you can over this sort of behaviour helps knock it on the head.

Any child whose parents send them the message that it's OK to trespass, be aggressive and rude and hang round in groups intimidating others, is going to get further into trouble as they grow older.

Your DD may as well learn now, the easy way, rather than later, the hard way, that she's better off with a few, really trustworthy friends than a gang of dodgy ones.

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Feb-13 13:13:45

I don't think you should worry too much about your DD carrying on like this indefinitely going on what you've said OP, you're taking it seriously and doing things to change the way she thinks about it.

It's 'normal' ish behaviour from groups of children, but the crunch time is when the parents find out what they've been up to, same as when toddlers hit/kick etc.

Could you go down the route of giving some examples of how groups of young people can affect people living in the area? It might be OTT I'm not sure, but the story of Fiona and Francecca Pilkington is pretty hard hitting as to how strongly it can make someone feel (even though the police let them down too).

It's only going to get worse as they get older though isn't it? How can you stop your 14/15 YO from going out, unless you start to get physical? Stop their money and you'd worry they'll find somewhere less acceptable to get it from, taking away their stuff would just make them go out even more, and I can't imagine trying to reason with them would go down that well.

I'm dreading it (even though DD isn't too bad ATM).

MissMogwi Sun 17-Feb-13 13:14:37

YANBU. I'd do the same in your position.

northcountrygirl Sun 17-Feb-13 13:19:01

Yes that's what I think racing heart. I've said to my daughter that the road they all seem to be going down is the road to a criminal record, drinking cider in the park and long term unemployment.

My friend is a nice person she's just unbelievably protective over her children to the point they can do no wrong. I know we all feel a natural defensiveness over our children but sometimes they really shouldn't be protected.

My daughter has totally changed from the girl she was last year. She seemed to change instantly the day she started at high school. It's not just this latest incident to be honest. She's also had detentions at school over late homework and I got a letter from school on Friday saying she was wasting time in pe and not taking in the correct kit. She needs to buckle down and work much harder. She has dyslexia and dyspraxia so finds school work harder. She is the last person who can afford to slack off and she really needs to understand this. She has a twin brother who is totally different - he's had 6 postcards from school complimenting him on his effort in different subjects. My daughters not had one....

SparklyAntlersInMyDecorating Sun 17-Feb-13 13:24:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

northcountrygirl Sun 17-Feb-13 13:26:24

That's a good idea agent zigzag. Actually some of her friends are involved with a church youth group that get involved with community projects. They meet up a couple of times a week and mainly just hang out and play games but they do things in the community too a few times a year so that may be good for her.

I'll look around locally I think and see what I can get her involved with. Maybe a bit of volunteering if they'll take someone of her age. I think she would be up for that actually.

northcountrygirl Sun 17-Feb-13 13:28:07

Sparkly the school would get involved as they were all in school uniform at the time so were representative of the school. There was another boy who was caught shoplifting whilst wearing uniform. It was after school so in his own time but the school got involved and punished him quite severely.

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Feb-13 13:29:34

Mine's the same and has just shot up physically and mentally over the past few months, she's also had two detentions since being there for late homework/not having right PE kit as well hmm

I'm sure you don't do it out loud, but try not to compare her to her brother, it might make her wonder why she should bother even trying when she knows she can't come close to how he behaves.

Could your friend have had words with her DD in private? Just giving you a knee jerk reaction and mouthing off?

It's early days yet in showing what they'll turn out like eventually, they can still be having trouble into their 20s and still get it together in the end smile

northcountrygirl Sun 17-Feb-13 13:41:16

I don't really compare her with her brother as academically he achieves much much higher than her and to be fair up until last year she did actually work harder and put more effort in than him. I have asked where her postcards are though as these are given out for effort rather than achievement.

It is disappointing though as obviously being twins they've been brought up the same. All my sons friends are lovely, well behaved, polite and law abiding. My daughter seems to prefer the thrill seeking "wild child" type girls though...

In fairness I was the same. I remember my parents banning me from seeing certain people and I ignored them too. I turned out ok eventually but not sure i would have if my parents hadn't been as hands on as they were.

mrsjay Sun 17-Feb-13 13:50:46

Why should a school deal with this? I am not being confrontational, just curious. It didn't happen in school, or on school property?

because when they are going to and from school they are wearing their uniform and representing their school, you wouldn't report a group of kids to the school on a weekend for doing the same thing iyswim.

northcountrygirl Sun 17-Feb-13 13:52:39

No but they wouldn't be wearing he uniform at he weekend. To be honest I know it's not the schools responsibility really but I am glad they involve themselves the way they do.

mrsjay Sun 17-Feb-13 13:54:00

thats what I meant because it is a week school days and then the school can get involved, I am in agreement that the school should know and be involved,

ajandjjmum Sun 17-Feb-13 14:30:29

I thought the schools involvement would come from the fact that the neighbour said she would report the behaviour to the school - and as they were coming back from school, quite fairly imho.

Narked Sun 17-Feb-13 14:38:06


I don't know what to suggest. I just feel so sorry for that poor woman. As you've said your daughter has been on the sidelines of things before, though not involved until now, I might try telling her that this is her last chance - one more incident and you'll change schools.

McNewPants2013 Sun 17-Feb-13 14:44:13

Well done to your neighbour, it must have taken gut to approach a group of teenager who was in her garden.

You sound like a good mother and banning this frienship seems the right thing to do.

I would very very angry if any my DC did this

socareless Sun 17-Feb-13 14:57:25

Well done OP for taking this seriously. Please ignore the 'it is normal behaviour for children her age' - it is not!!

Be very firm. Racingheart makes a very good point about showing her how shocked you are. This will help in getting her to see how unacceptable that sort of behaviour is. Do not worry about not being able to control who she interacts with at school. Right now the priority should be to get her to understand how bad what she has done is.

Hopefully if she does see that such behaviour is unattractive she can then manage how she interacts with those girls.

As a child/teenager I did know girls who were up to no good, and I found them fascinating but I never joined in because I knew what would be waiting for me at home and I also had a clear understanding of right and wrong.

Good luck.

Narked Sun 17-Feb-13 15:03:31

Is she getting enough support for her dyslexia? Senior school can come as a big shock in terms of workload for DC generally and maybe more so in her case.

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