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To think it's unreasonable for my aunt & uncle to be annoyed

(64 Posts)
Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 14:49:50

about me and DH not attending my cousin's wedding?

Cousin is getting married in another European country later this year. We were unable to attend his brother's wedding a few years back due to other commitments here in the UK, but had fully intended to go to this one. However, have now been told that it is a child-free wedding so dd isn't invited.

I could arrange for her to stay with a friend for a couple of days, but I really don't want to spend lots of money on an overseas trip without dd, I'd rather put it towards a family holiday instead. If I'm honest, I don't particularly like the whole child-free wedding thing anyway, but it's their day and I respect their choices. At the same time, I expect them to respect mine.

I don't suppose my cousin is that bothered either way, but my aunt and uncle are apparently "hurt" that we aren't going to make the effort. I'm not BU am I?

Itsaboatjack Sat 16-Feb-13 18:19:08

YANBU, but if its just a weekend is there a possibility of leaving your dd with your dh and going on your own? Only if you wanted to though. I wouldn't be guilt tripped into going to a family event that I didn't want to go to.

creativevoid Sat 16-Feb-13 17:42:16

Is it possible to speak directly to your cousin and explain you don't feel comfortable leaving DD for a few days while you are in another country? They might make an exception for your DD.

I know a lot of people will say it's not polite to ask to bring an uninvited guest. We had a no children wedding- not because we don't like children but we just didn't have space and the expense would have been huge to invite a lot of children (many of whom we didn't really know.). We did make some exceptions, for example for a cousin whose son has downs. This wasn't a problem at all and I would think family visiting from abroad might fall into the same category (at least for reasonable people).

At the very least it would show willing and make your aunt and uncle feel better.

whiteflame Sat 16-Feb-13 17:03:14

YANBU. Don't be guilted into spending your precious holiday time doing this that you don't want to do (i.e. spending it without DD). Life's too short and stressful.

Inertia Sat 16-Feb-13 16:49:54


When you indicated that you hoped to attend this wedding , it was on the basis that your whole family were invited, especially as it's a close family wedding.

I'd be inclined to tell aunt and uncle that you are very disappointed that DD isn't invited to a close family wedding, and you know she will be very hurt and upset to be left out of this family occasion. You respect your cousins desire to have a child free wedding, but the family need to respect your wish to make your own child your first priority . If this wedding would use family holiday budget and time, it would be unfair for your daughter to go without a holiday this year to save face for aunt and uncle.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Feb-13 16:30:12

Well then, they are being silly trying to guilt you.

Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 16:22:19

Unless the invited guest says " I am not able to attend your wedding as I do not condone you getting hitched" then you have no right to be upset.

grin Well, I certainly haven't said that!

Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 16:16:27

I don't know lemon, we're quite a close family though. They were quite understanding when I couldn't go to their other son's wedding, so I thought they'd be ok about this one too. Obviously not.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 16-Feb-13 16:15:39

I have no issue at all with child free weddings nor do I have any issue with child friendly ones.

I've planned a few weddings for friends and have noticed that often including children can add a huge cost for whoever is paying for each couple you wish to invite as can it add additional costs to the couple attending.

When you arrange a wedding you have to understand that what ever choice you will make may lead to guests not wanting or being able to attend. Sometimes its distance sometimes its venue sometimes it could be the theme and it could just as easily be having children there as it could be not having them there that could do it.

Unless the invited guest says " I am not able to attend your wedding as I do not condone you getting hitched" then you have no right to be upset.


LemonBreeland Sat 16-Feb-13 16:14:12

I don't get why it means so much to your Aunt and Uncle that you are there. It is really strange to be so upset at people not being at a wedding.

Floralnomad Sat 16-Feb-13 16:13:50

Even more reason to do it then , and at least it would show your aunt and uncle that you are not the odd ones because your parents agree with you .

Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 16:09:47

Perhaps your parents should suggest that they don't go so they can have their GD so that you can go and see how your aunt and uncle like that idea. At least that way it might get them to put it into perspective a bit better

haha, yes that might put it into perspective a bit! But my mum wouldn't miss it for the world, and I'm sure they know that! smile

Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 16:07:39

No, I realise that they may have good reasons for wanting and/or needing to exclude children, and I am genuinely not taking offence at that. It wouldn't be my choice, but it isn't my wedding either.

And I get what you're saying about the fact that we are effectively telling them that we no longer want to go. I guess I'm just surprised that they might think we would want to go, given that we can't take dd with us. If I were planning an event to which children weren't invited, I would assume that quite a few parents might opt out.

Floralnomad Sat 16-Feb-13 16:04:55

Perhaps your parents should suggest that they don't go so they can have their GD so that you can go and see how your aunt and uncle like that idea. At least that way it might get them to put it into perspective a bit better .

fedupofnamechanging Sat 16-Feb-13 16:04:53


While I respect someone's choice to have an adult only wedding, I would expect my choice not to leave my child behind, to also be respected.

I would also not be happy to give up precious holiday time with my dc and like you, would rather have a family holiday.

dreamingbohemian Sat 16-Feb-13 16:02:22

Sorry OP but you are never going to get a good response to 'I could come but I don't want to'.

I know you feel like your DD is being excluded but that is obviously not what they intend, child-free weddings are not personally directed at anyone. For all you know it's simply to save lots of money because there's a gazillion children on the other side.

Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 16:01:01

It's my mum's side of the family alibaba, and she has spoken to them - that's how I know that they're hurt and that they think we are being petty. My parents can totally see it from our point of view, and understand why we're not going, but I think they feel bad for my aunt and uncle too.

Corygal Sat 16-Feb-13 16:00:48

YANBU - please, let the backlash against insanely pricy wedding 'invitations' continue.

Who do you know who isn't sick of it? The inconvenience, the time, and most of all the entire year's family holiday budget sent down the toilet for someone else's celebration meal.

Yama Sat 16-Feb-13 15:58:22

I have a 7 year old dd too. I believe she would be hurt at being excluded from a family wedding that I had been invited to. Children have feelings too. She's been to a few weddings and understands their meaning.

Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 15:57:33

I don't really know if they have thought through what we'd do with dd tbh. They do know that none of my in-laws are in this country, so it's not like we could leave her with DH's family. Having said that, I'm pretty sure my friend would have her if I asked - but they don't necessarily know that!!

Floralnomad Sat 16-Feb-13 15:56:04

They'll get over it ,think no more about it ,its not like you've left it to the last minute to say no .

Jinsei Sat 16-Feb-13 15:54:01

Thanks lljkk. I know I shouldn't really, but feel a bit sad that this seems to have soured what was always a good relationship with my aunt and uncle. I just assumed that they would understand, I suppose, but obviously they didn't!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 16-Feb-13 15:52:57


Can whichever of your parents is their sibling have a word? Who exactly are they thinking that you can palm your DD off on?

We had this exact issue when my DB got married. Childfree wedding so DS wasn't invited, but they got the hump when we said we wouldn't go. Now bearing in mind that all my family were going to be at the wedding, and MIL was at that time waiting for a knee operation and pretty disabled - where were we supposed to leave him??
DB even e-mailed me a list of nurseries close to the venue - which a) wouldn't have been open, and b) we were hardly going to dump him with a bunch of strangers.

In the end SIL was able to have him for the afternoon and we went just for a bit and then went home - which didn't go down well, but what else did they expect us to do?

SomethingProfound Sat 16-Feb-13 15:52:55

YANBU to not want to go.

Your cousin and his DF have decided that they don't want children at their wedding, fair enough but by making this decision they run the risk that those who have DC's may choose not to come.

I don't have children, but if I did there is no way I would fork out to go abroad and use my holiday allowance when my child wouldn't be there it would feel like a waste and I would resent it.

lljkk Sat 16-Feb-13 15:52:00

Hold firm Jinsei, You shouldn't let this bother you any further.

nancerama Sat 16-Feb-13 15:50:07

YANBU. We had a child-free wedding. It was a small venue and we simply couldn't have accommodated everyone if children had been added to the mix too. The venue was also on a river bank, so parents of toddlers wouldn't have had a relaxing day!

None of our guests were invited to make up the numbers - they were people who were special to DH and me and we wanted everyone we invited to attend, but if anyone couldn't come for whatever reason, we didn't take it personally.

The only people who I found rude or annoying were those who struggled to grasp the concept of RSVPing at all.

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