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to be v annoyed with DH for not cleaning up after himself?

(71 Posts)
glossyflower Sat 16-Feb-13 10:14:04

I have resigned myself to not relying on him to do any meaningful housework. So I just get on with it myself, and occasionally ask him to do a small task (fill dishwasher) or something I can't manage since I'm 7 months pg, huge and been ill most of my pregnancy.

All I ask him, and expect him to do is tidy up AFTER himself, and one of my bugbears, is that when he makes his sandwiches in the morning, he chops up tomato and doesn't wipe down the chopping board afterwards.
The tomato seeds and juice then dries, by the time I get up I'm cleaning up after him. I've told him a million times before, and he'll do it once or twice then after that forgets.

Another major bugbear is he'll take his socks off in the living room after work, and leave them on the floor.

This morning was the last straw! I am totally pissed off. I sent him a picture of the tomato mess and told him the chopping board is going in the bin.

His socks, I'm pushing underneath the sofa from now on until he runs out of socks and finds them gathering dust under there.

He had a day off yesterday, and I started the housework but couldn't finish as I was going to work. I asked him to hoover and wipe the kitchen tops down. He did the kitchen but not the hoovering. This morning, as he's been in the kitchen, you would never think it was even cleaned. He just leaves a trail of destruction wherever he goes.

He did in his defence, tidy up his soldering equipment into a box in the living room (still bits of metal and wire on the floor), after he spent yesterday evening making electrical components on the sofa. I told him before work today, make sure his stuff is tidied away before he goes. So he did do that.
I don't even like him doing that kind of stuff in the living room, he has his own studio he can go to that's much more suitable.

Oh yes, and while I'm on the subject of being pissed off with my dh; we have two bathrooms, one up and one down. We ran out of toilet roll, so he buys a big multipack yesterday, and puts it (still in sainsbury's carrier bag) in the downstairs toilet on the floor. Not even in the cupboard away where it is usually kept that is right next to where he placed it, and didn't replace the toilet roll upstairs either. He opened it to use a roll, and left the rest in the bag on the floor.
I didn't even bother saying anything, just put it away myself.


Feel a bit better for getting all that off my chest now! xxx

BookWormery Sat 16-Feb-13 11:25:51

Women who have partners like this who keep putting up with it: do you think your sons will turn out as equally useless?

glossyflower Sat 16-Feb-13 11:31:23

Well we have only been married for 5 months lol.

When I first met him he did live with his parents, his room was small so it was hard to keep tidy. Then he moved in with another man, sharing not as in gay lol, and he looked after himself quite nicely there.
When we first moved in together he was not so lazy, but it seems as times gone on he's worse.
He has a paid job but he's also working from home with his own business, although its too early to be productive.

Yes I know I have been facilitating his behaviour, even though I tell him all the time I still eventually tidy up after him because I just don't like living in a mess. I feel that by compromising in a sense that I don't expect him to do any housework should be enough, I only want him to tidy up after himself.

He's never been a manually practical person, I do all the gardening, most of the housework, washing, I do minor DIY or ask my parents to help out.
I have a leaking gutter that I got hold of a ladder to fix myself, but can't now because I'm pregnant so will wait til after baby is born. To ask him doesn't even cross my mind because he's useless at that stuff!
We have two large dogs, who will only get walked if I ask him to come with me.

The only thing he does do is cook and most of the food shopping.

I might add, when he needs work clothes he's happy to put his clothes in the washer and drier but leaves the rest of the laundry sitting there if it doesn't all fit in!

Halfling Sat 16-Feb-13 11:32:40

Just ask him and ask him and ask him all the time - Please put the washing away, please clean the sink, please refill the loo rolls - unrelenting and unemotional. No wailing, no nagging and no asking for explanations.

This worked with my DH who was brought up as a man-child by my very proud MIL who was aghast once when I asked DH to change my DS's nappy.

A few years in, there is not much I can complain about. He has his own set of housekeeping chores which have now become drilled into a routine.

He has high threshold of tolerating mess and I do accept that, but that doesn't mean that he can shy away from making our house a clean and safe home for our family.

Don't give up hope!

diddl Sat 16-Feb-13 11:34:33

He´s got it made, hasn´t he!

BillyBollyDandy Sat 16-Feb-13 11:42:30

I have a DH like this.

Ultimately you just have different standards of what is acceptable mess. Mine is much lower than DH's.

He isn't a man child he is just messier than me. And while I have been known to scream put the fucking knife in the dishwasher you fuckwit whilst a little cross, I would much rather it this way round than living with someone who thought I was untidy.

When he lived on his own it was a hovel untidy but he was quite happy. He is always clean and presentable and lovely and sweet and... he just doesn't understand crumbs need to be wiped away.

I tell him what I want him to do. He does it. It works for us.
Be specific when asking would be my tip.

BillyBollyDandy Sat 16-Feb-13 11:45:02

Okay, just read your last post. That is him completely taking himself out of the equation when it comes to anything he doesn't fancy doing. That is unfair and will need a complete attitude change.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 16-Feb-13 11:46:29

He's never been manually practical but usues soldering equipment? (In your living room - sounds dangerous and really will be when you have a baby putting every little thing it finds on the floor in its mouth).

Housework and washing require practice, not skill. Stop making ridiculous excuses for him.

Frankly, if you carry on like his, being the put-upon wife-servant you will bring up lazy boys who no snesible woman will want and girls who are either similarly put-upon themselves, as they know no better or, more likely, choose not to marry a man, as they see marriage as demeaning and life-limiting. Sorry to be harsh but think it through.

Viviennemary Sat 16-Feb-13 11:48:48

He is just an untidy person. There isn't a solution. I am untidy sometimes and don't clear up after myself. And get told off by DH. blush

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 16-Feb-13 11:53:43

Jesus wept woman!!

Do not resign yourself to doing all the housework - he lives there as well and it will cause resentment. You are also saying 'I am your skivvy - feel free to treat me that way'.

You don't honestly think that everytime he leaves that tomato covered board there he's not giving it a second thought? Of course he is, but what he's thinking is 'I can't be arsed, she'll clean it up, of course she'll moan - but so what <shrug>. This will ruin your marriage if you don't stop it NOW.

I would say to him 'We are both adults, we both live in this house. It needs to be tidy and clean enough for us both, and a baby, to live in. I will not spend the next 60 years doing it or nagging about it & picking up after you. You have two choices - do your share willingly and without being asked/directed - or move back to your Mothers. They are the only two options'. and mean it.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 16-Feb-13 11:55:18

Vivienne - there is a solution, but you aren't going to like it grin Grow the fuck up and stop expecting others to pick up after you!!

cathpip Sat 16-Feb-13 11:55:20

Is your dh related to mine? We don't have the tomato problem but the breadcrumbs wiped into sink and then NOT rinsed away. ARRGGHHHHH. smile

seeker Sat 16-Feb-13 12:00:49

And they say we don't need feminism any more.......

ukatlast Sat 16-Feb-13 12:01:05

I would advise you to get him involved from the get-go in the duller tasks of looking after a baby. I had my OH who is v untidy willingly changing baby's nappy as soon as he walked through the door after a long day at work because he wanted to interact with his child as much as possible. That will be easier to bring about than him giving a toss about untidiness. Good luck.

catladycourtney1 Sat 16-Feb-13 13:25:41

I think what you should do depends on how much it bothers you, and to what degree your DH is just taking the piss (rather than just being generally untidy). Obviously it does upset you, since you've posted on this, and if he managed to clean up after himself when he was house-sharing or when he needs something then, to me, that sounds like he just can't be arsed and knows you'll sort things.

I have a similar problem with my DP. He'll help out if I ask him to do something specific, but he'd never look around and think, "oh it needs hoovering/bed needs changing/pots need putting away" etc. And he leaves his dirty clothes lying around and food wrappers and dirty pots piled up next to wherever he's been say playing bloody computer games when he's not at work. He'll get up and do what I ask, although I do wonder whether it's just because I'm heavily pregnant (we've only lived together properly for about a month, so until then when he wasn't here I was doing everything myself anyway). He doesn't expect me to clean up after him though, he genuinely doesn't notice the mess. When he lived on his own his flat was bloody minging, and he thought nothing of inviting his family and friends over. I have to blitz everything just for the gas man! I don't feel terribly put-upon, I just remind myself that he's been up for work since 5.30 and I don't really start my day until about 11! But I do wonder how much help he's going to be when the baby comes, and whether he's going to need telling when to change her nappy and stuff.

Viviennemary Sat 16-Feb-13 13:34:48

Oh dear MyHead. I can just hear my Mum saying that is you told isn't it. grin You're right. Being tidy is such a huge effort for some people if they weren't brought up to clean up after themselves. I do see that things need doing but I just don't do them often enough.

sooperdooper Sat 16-Feb-13 13:38:43

I feel your pain, my DH is the same, I know I shouldn't keep tidying up after him but I seem to have fallen into a routine of doing it

I point out to him constantly that he needs to put his clothes in the wash basket, not the floor, and only today I've retrieved x3 dirty cups and a half drank carton of milk shake from the spare room he's just left there gathering mould and filth

He just doesn't seem to 'see' mess in the same way I do, he'll happily sit in the livingroom surrounded by crap and do nothing about it unless I ask him to - to be fair he will then hoover etc but he doesn't do any cleaning off his own back

He does cook and put washing on, it's when things need cleaning he just doesn't seem to clock it, drives me mad

Chottie Sat 16-Feb-13 13:41:14

OP I hear you smile My DH does not replace toilet rolls, he has never done it in nearly 40 years of marriage. Believe me, I have tried everything. Now I just accept it is a part of him which is unchangeable.

I focus on his positives, he is kind, caring, would do anything for me and the DC (he always cleans dog poo off everyone's shoes smile) he cooks, does DIY, decorating, gardens and has worked full time supporting us all. When he refitted our kitchen he moved the boiler 4 inches so I could get a tumble drier in the kitchen. So I let the loo rolls go......

seeker Sat 16-Feb-13 13:44:42

Poor men. All these things they can't do because their penises get in the way. It must be SOOOO inconvenient for them! Bit of an evolutionary error. Or is it because the big penis sort of balances them when they are throwing spears at sabre toothed tigers?

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Feb-13 13:52:22

This guy is a selfish wanker.

Imagine being an adult man and leaving all the domestic tasks to your pregnant wife.

What a fucking embarrassing failure he is at life.

It's shameful.

When this baby is born, being treated as this chump's skivvy is going to look a lot less appealing.

I hear divorce bells.

drivingmisspotty Sat 16-Feb-13 14:01:27

The thing that mystifies me is the lack of shame. If I was doing something that consistently peed my partner off I would want to change. I love him and I want him to respect me not resent me. And don't these DP/Hs think about how their behaviour chips away at a relationship?

Bottom line - surely picking up your socks is a really easy and simple way to guarantee more sex?

Sorry unhelpful, OP.

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Feb-13 14:07:12

"If I was doing something that consistently peed my partner off I would want to change."

Only if you accepted that what you were doing was wrong.

If you thought you were fully entitled to behave in the way that pissed him off, you wouldn't stop it.

In fact you would feel resentful at his nagging about something he had no right to complain about.

If you let your working wife do 100% of the housework, you don't think you should have to pick up your own socks.

You think she should do it.

And you think she'll get the idea eventually.

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Feb-13 14:11:38

glossy whatever you do, don't stop working.

You really do not want to be financially dependent on a man who treats you this badly when you are both working and there are no children.

glossyflower Sat 16-Feb-13 14:13:20

All your comments are overwhelmingly voting in favour of not being unreasonable. I agree maybe I need to change the way I look at things and to approach this in a different way to how I have been.
He's proven he CAN do things when he wants to, like someone else said about their partner he just doesn't think.
He does have his good points too, I'm not going to divorce him over this but I doubt I can change his patterns of behaviour.
I will sit down with him and tell him that at times I do feel like a doormat and now that we are having our first baby things have to change.
I tell you if my baby is a boy there's no way I will bring him up to be lazy and reliant on a woman to tidy up after him. Boy or girl they will learn to be completely self sufficient by the time they leave home.

BTW some people have mentioned washing left on the floor not in the trick for this is I simply fold it all back up and return it to the wardrobe. He hasn't noticed he's been wearing clothes, pants, socks that haven't been washed yet!

glossyflower Sat 16-Feb-13 14:19:18

athinginyourlife you have a very good point there.

After experiences with my ex boyfriend I always promised myself I'd be financially self sufficient. I am now the main earner. In fact when DH and I discussed future child care plans he suggested that he give up work to be a house husband whilst I continue full time earning.
That could work if it weren't for the fact he doesn't do much around the house now, so him being at home with the baby all day would possibly be another excuse to sit around doing bare minimum!
I told him no.

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Feb-13 14:19:43

"I tell you if my baby is a boy there's no way I will bring him up to be lazy and reliant on a woman to tidy up after him."

Not if this twat is living in your house treating you as a second-class citizen.

Nothing you try to teach them will counteract a daily lesson in make privilege and female compliance.

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