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to think my mother is a bloody nutter at best or bloody horrible at worst?

(32 Posts)
StuckForAUserName Fri 15-Feb-13 12:48:48

I have just had a surreal telephone conversation with her where she has said that me seeing terrible domestic violence between her and my father (alcoholic) and their very acrimonious divorce when I was 6 together with my father buggering off and never seeing him again (he was never mentioned again and she once strangled me when I said I wished I'd gone with him), then her immediately remarrying for money, not love, would have had no impact on me at all. I was fine apparently. I did not get as far as to mention the psychological abuse she inflicted on me all through my teens until I left home at 18 and the outrageous favouritism she bestowed (and still does) on the children she had with my stepfather as I could see there was no point. She said that me almost dying of german measles would have affected me though which I was never aware of until today. Although I was only kept in hospital overnight so hardly on life support.

As an adult I have suffered panic attacks and waves of fear and dread constantly that has made me feel I am going mad and I have isolated myself so have no friends. I believe I have PTSD as I suffered further trauma in the death of my 2nd child and apparently childhood trauma is a mitigating factor and I NEED to get to bottom of it so I can live a normal life but I have blocked most of my childhood out and wanted her to tell me what went on but she won't.

I feel so much anger at her when she tells me 'just move on' and that is what I want more anything (so I can get an actual life rather then waste time on MN grin) but I feel like I need to get to the root of the problem to be able to do that and I need her help which she won't give because then she will have to face up to the damage she inflicted on me. She was never there for me as a child (which she admits) but she is not here for me as an adult either.

AIBU to feel such fucking rage to her? I was not looking to blame anybody, I know she had a terrible life, I just want to know why I am such a fuck up so I can do something about it sad.

StuckForAUserName Fri 15-Feb-13 14:08:13

Such wise people on here [thank you]. Wilson yes.

TheSkiingGardener Fri 15-Feb-13 14:21:26

Oh that sounds awful stuck.

I haven't got much time, so will post and run, but look up Complex PTSD, it sounds like you may be a candidate. Also have a look at EMDR therapy, your counsellor may know something about it, it's reported as having very good results.

Good luck.

MeSoFunny Fri 15-Feb-13 14:32:39

This all sounds so familiar to me. I have battled every day for the last 8 years with those feelings of panic and anxiety following an abusive childhood and an ongoing disfunctional relationship with my mum. The anger I felt was overwhelming.

I have only just got into therapy now, but in the 5th session I hit rock bottom and realised that it was hopeless. Nothing was going to change. I despaired. For me I am pretty sure that I have been looking for replacement parent figures all my life and I went into therapy secretly hoping that here would be another one who could fix it for me. Then I realised that that was impossible. I was incredibly low but then the realisation literally hit me - I can not change the past, my mother's reactions, her ongoing shittyness - and I felt acceptance. I think that that is the point that you are actually striving for. Acceptance that the answers will not be found, that the sorrys won't be given and that your mother will continue to let you down for as long as you expect her to be anyone different.

These are things that I have always known intellectually but, trust me, when you FEEL them you will be liberated. I promise. And I think that I had to feel the anger, the despair and the sense of being lost before I could be ready to say 'you know what, this doesn't need to drag behind me like road kill for one more day'.

I know you will get there too.

WilsonFrickett Fri 15-Feb-13 14:46:54

::applauds MeSo::
Brilliant post and well done. OP you should print ^^ and laminate it thanks

YouWithTheFace Fri 15-Feb-13 15:16:26

What MeSo said. It has helped me distance myself emotionally from my anger and reactions to my mother, who was not herself abusive, but was enabling of the abuse, and who refuses to recognise or acknowledge that she might have some responsibility for all the shit that went down (and our resentment!) when my counsellor pointed out that she will never admit these things because of her OWN defence mechanisms. Now that I have stopped wanting that recognition from her, a lot of our interaction has become much less traumatic.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 15-Feb-13 16:04:12

Stuck I would write her a letter, laying out exactly how you feel, but not blaming her, then do not contact her and see how long it takes for her to contact you.

She wont listen to spoken words, maybe she'll understand the written.

TheBigJessie Fri 15-Feb-13 16:32:27

Think about what you're asking for. What you want is a rational, detailed, impartial, truthful chronology of events, that covers all your blank points.

I can already tell from your post that she will not give it to you. All you will get is her own impassioned self-defense, her denial of events, an unhealthy amount of blame (directed at you), her self-rationalisation of her actions, and general painting herself in the best light. Tbh, I don't see that as helpful, unless you want to develop false memories about how everything was your fault as a small child. Sounds like you've already put in lots of work moving on from that perspective! (I'd like to say a genuine well done here. Well done!)

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