Can I ask for a little perpective please?

[YulaBaker]

I think I may have been very unreasonable this morning and I need a little perspective. I never thought in a millions years I'd be making a DP AIBU, let alone a bloody Valentines one but here goes.

DP works full time and gets up at 630 each morning and goes to work. I have ASD and can only work part time. (and need a lot of sleep) Today is my day off. I also make the odd cake and I have one due to be delivered tomorrow.

Yesterday I was helping a friend out, being a companion while they went though a difficult day and arranged my time so that I would be making the cake today while I was alone at home (I can't work when people are about to distract me).

This morning as the sun starts to come through the curtains I think 'DP is going to be late' when it is obvious he isn't going to work I ask him and he tells me he has booked the day off so he can spend it with me.

I realise that on the face of it this is a lovely thing to do. But...

I have ASD, he changed my plans very last minute without telling me. The shock caused a almost meltdown. This happens. I don't know why he never saw that coming.
I'm busy today. He knew this also. he says he just wanted to hang out but apart from him watch me work what could we have done?

The main thing is though, it wasn't just the change of plans. I was soo tired I just wanted him out my hair so I did fuck all to reassure him. I don't sleep well and when he is at work I'm scared of waking him in the night so I don't sleep properly. When he has gone to work I fall into deep sleep for a couple of hours. On the days I am working I just sleep in the spare room.

He has now gone off in a huff and he is taking about leaving me.

Erm? Confused.

[YulaBaker]

Perspective....sorry.

[SashaSashays]

To me it seems like yabvu but I don't really have experience of asd so I'm not sure what to say.

Your DP is presumably used to making allowances but it sounds as if he was just trying to be nice and spontaneous, probably just didn't think it through then you hurt his feelings with your reaction.

[SweetSeraphim]

Yeah, ASD apart, you've hurt his feelings. Unintentionally, I know.

To be fair, my face would fall if DP 'surprised' me with a day off and I don't have ASD - just hate my plans being changed. Creature of routine, me.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

Sorry, what is ASD?

I know what you mean about sudden change in plans, I don't like them either. However, your DP was trying to be considerate, and I'm sure that cake making won't take all day. Could you pop out for a walk whilst cake is in the oven?

[countrykitten]

I would LOVE it if my DH did this. You are ungrateful and unreasonable. And before I get the mandatory slagging - just imagine if SHE had done this for him and HE had reacted so ungraciously.

[YulaBaker]

He has gone to his parents and keeps texting me saying that I would be happier without him.

[Maebe]

I don't have any knowledge about ASD but if your DP knows about this, he possibly should have expected that you would be thrown by a change in routine.

However it sounds like he was trying to do something nice for you on Valentine's Day, so it's no surprise that he is hurt and upset when you reacted so strongly to his surprise day together.

So it seems like you are both being U and also not U, if that makes any sense. Could you maybe sit down and try and explain to him why you felt so upset and reacted so badly?

[ChairmanWow]

I'm guessing that one of the issues with your ASD is feeling very stressed about surprises or stuff which is unplanned, hence the upset at this change of plan, but please correct me if I'm wrong. I don't want to make assumptions.

If that is the case then I don't think YABU in the sense that your partner should have had a better understanding of your needs, but equally I don't think he is BU because it sounds well-intentioned so I understand why he has stormed off. I guess you need to wait until things have calmed down and have a talk about it.

[badguider]

It's tricky, because if you didn't have ASD you'd have been COMPLTELY unreasonable.
BUT, you do have ASD. Are you sure that your DP understands your ASD as well as you think he does? It sounds to me like he really doesn't understand how important time to yourself is to you and also how much a change of plan would freak you out. You need to talk to him, apologise for the freakout (I know it's not really your fault but I'd apologise anyway) and tell him that if he'd TOLD you his plans to take the day off you'd have loved to have spent it with him.. (really emphasise this, as he's obviously feeling very hurt and unloved) and tell him how much you appreciate the nice thought but that your disorder means you can't deal without prior notice of things like this.

[Pandemoniaa]

Hold on a minute though, countrykitten, if the OP has ASD then she is unlikely to accept sudden changes of plan easily. Admittedly, I can see why her DP is so upset because he's come up with a nice surprise and it's been rejected out of hand.

[SashaSashays]

I think you should apologise, explain to him how you felt, and then try and recover the day.

How long will this cake making take, can't you go out this afternoon or prepare a nice dinner together?

[YulaBaker]

Puds - Yes, the cake was going to take all day, now it will take all night. I'm decorating 2 tiers.

Country kitten - I know I WBU, but there was no reason he couldn't have told me last night.

Trying so hard to to drip feed here and just stick to the topic in hand.

[FellatioNels0n]

What are you confused about exactly? Regardless of your justification for it, you had a screechy meltdown when he tried to do something romantic and thoughtful for you. He is upset. He is considering whether he wants to continue living with someone who makes him have to walk on eggshells. It doesn't seem confusing to me.

[Justforlaughs]

ASD = autistic spectrum disorders. I don't think you were being unreasonable PURELY on the grounds that you have ASD. I think you need to sit down with your DP and apologise for your reaction while at the same time explaining why you reacted as you did. I'm sure he does already know it and just didn't think this through, but it would have been a lovely gesture for most people. Why not make him a really nice romantic meal tonight?

[coppertop]

I have two boys with ASD so can understand why you had such a shock when the plans were changed without warning. I also get why it would seem completely illogical for your dp to take the day off when you can't actually do anything together.

It sounds as though your dp had the best of intentions but just didn't think it through.

I would sit down with him and explain that you know he meant well but that you absolutely need some warning in advance so that you can prepare for the change and arrange plans together.

[countrykitten]

Yes but a relationship is not just about one person's needs is it? There are already people posting that he should have known better than to surprise her etc but maybe just once he wanted to try something special. Maybe the OP could have made more of an effort? He will be extremely hurt right now - I feel for him as I would be really upset if my DH reacted like this if I had done a similar thing.

[tabulahrasa]

I don't have ASD and I think him having a surprise day off when you're too busy to spend it with him is massively unthoughtful anyway. If you have plans that you can't change, what do you get out of it?

[Pagwatch]

I think he did a daft thing given his awareness of your ASD.
But he did not intend to upset you and our reaction, whilst understandable,is hurtful.

Ds1 does lots of things which hurt my feelings and I don't blame him because they are not choices for him and he doesn't mean to upset me.
But they still hurt.
And if I am ever upset he does try to comfort me.

I think your DH sounds hurt and is possible more so by the fact that you are taking his upset as just annoying and unreasonable.

Even if he misjudged he was upset. Can you not react to his hurt feelings rather than being defensive about why your rudeness was justified.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

Oh sorry Yula i thought you meant you just had to bake it.

Does he normally do things like this? Is there any chance he is trying to push you?

[GirlOutNumbered]

Changing plans at the last minute for a partner who has ASD is very unreasonable, but perhaps you could have handles it better. You sound like you know you have upset him, perhaps you can make it up to him.

Although I would be questioning why he would spring a surprise like that... He does know about your condition doesn't he?

[KenLeeeeeee]

Neither of you is BU. He tried to do a spontaneous, romantic thing but it backfired because spontaneity and ASD do not go well together. He should have been aware of this (assuming you've been together for some time and he is familiar with your needs) but there's no reason you can't do your best to make it up to him and recover a lovely day together. Put this one down to experience, don't dwell on it.

[YulaBaker]

He storms off a lot. He knows about the ASD and read my books. Before he read them he was constantly trying to 'fix' me. When he read them he apologised to me and said he believed me and realised I wasn't just being difficult, but has slowly reverted back.

His personality changes so much I never know what mood he will be in. for example I started a thread not long ago about lone cinema trips. I was actually scared to tell him I had been in case he shouted at me for spending money.

He can lie in bed all morning waiting for me to get up then when I do he will take his 'wasted day' out on me.

I can tell him some information 2 or three times but he doesn't take it in then gets mad when he feels left out of the loop

My ASD means I don't have many friends and no female friends. My best friend is male and DP hates me spending time there. Is always slagging my friend off. Its tiring and makes me feel like I have to take sides.

He will give me his bank card and tell me to get some food and fuel or whatever and then he blames me for having no money when I have just bought what he said.

I drip feed sinning here. I just feel like once again I'm getting punished for a situation that he has brought about in the first place.

[Pandemoniaa]

I think he spoke a deal of (possibly unintended) truth in the texts he sent saying you'd be better off without him, OP. Does he have redeeming qualities because from your last post he sounds like a complete arse?

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

Its starting to sound less like a romantic gesture and more like a way of having a go at you.

Your relationship doesn't sounds very good to be honest Yula