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Aibu to not want to go to wedding when I know the bride isn't being exactly faithful

(45 Posts)
mawi Thu 14-Feb-13 03:45:10

We are invited to a wedding and I don't want to go. The wedding is in Spain, is going to cost a fortune to go to and we are not exactly flush.

The bride has cheated 3 times in the last 8 months that I know about so I don't think I should be paying out to go to a wedding that I think shouldn't be happening in the first place.

I have says to her about cheating and she denies it but it happened in front of me in nightclub. I am debating with myself whether to tell the groom but they have a family and I don't want to be blamed for tearing their family apart.

I have told her that I don't think they should be getting married & yet I am still invited. Would I be unreasonable to tell her that I am not going because it is a sham in my eyes, all for show & nothing to actually so with the sanctity of marriage?

Teapot13 Thu 14-Feb-13 04:00:33

Personally I wouldn't get involved or make any more commentary to the bride. I think you're probably right, that the marriage sounds like a bad idea, but it isn't really anyone else's business besides the bride and groom.

Definitely don't go if you feel uncomfortable. The financial side of things gives you a perfect excuse. Just get them a nice card and wish them well. It sounds like you aren't the best of friends anyway? Who knows -- maybe it'll be a happy marriage and you'll be glad you didn't say anything. If not -- not your problem!

whiteflame Thu 14-Feb-13 05:05:18

I wouldn't go because of the financial side of things. I would tell them why, and then wish them all the best.

But I wouldn't get involved in the possible cheating side of things, unless the brother was (e.g.) my brother. Other people's relationships are their business, and theirs alone.

Nombrechanger Thu 14-Feb-13 05:18:36

See, this is what pisses me off.
If your other half was a cheating scumbag wouldn't YOU want to know?!?
This poor bloke is entering into a marriage with a person who doesn't respect him one bit and he is none the wiser.

We just mind our own business. Great.

OP, I wouldn't go and I would be tempted to make an anonymous phone all to the poor guy telling him he is about to marry a cheating whorebag.

HollyBerryBush Thu 14-Feb-13 06:28:32

Other peoples relationships are their business. As said before, you dont sound like you like her much and I doubt your reasons for stirring telling would be completely altruistic.

Brideandgloom Thu 14-Feb-13 06:37:50

Yabu. From your op you saw her once in a night club misbehaving. Am presuming it was a drunken snog not full on sexual intercourse.

You do sound like you dislike her. Most people have done stupid things after too much alchohol at some point. Keep your beak out.

If you dont want to go then don't. But don't use it as a vehicle to wreak havoc in other people's lives because you dislike her.

Rhiannon86 Thu 14-Feb-13 07:18:44

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BigAudioDynamite Thu 14-Feb-13 07:22:38

Maybe he does know, nombre?

FamiliesShareGerms Thu 14-Feb-13 07:25:05

You have other reasons for not going. Use these to excuse yourself from attending.

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 14-Feb-13 07:32:20

Just say you cannot attend. Not sure if it is your place to tell the groom to be unless he is the closer friend? Surely he has an inkling as to how she is?!

RubyGates Thu 14-Feb-13 07:32:27

Just decline the invitation.
The bride should be expecting some people to decline because they have chosen a foreign location.

It's not your job to predict how sucessful a a marriage is going to be.

ithasgonetotheopera Thu 14-Feb-13 08:47:33

I wouldn't go, don't need to say why though. Telling the groom would depend on how well I knew him I think.

phoenixrose314 Thu 14-Feb-13 08:54:40

Quite astounded at the number of posters who think this behaviour is okay??!! If my husband was tongue wrestling with girls in anightclub, I would be heartbroken and betrayed. No such fucking thing as levels of betrayal.

Anyway, back to point - I wouldn't go. Just send a card declining politely. But leave the state of their relationship alone - it's her conscience under trial here, not yours.

fluckered Thu 14-Feb-13 09:04:58

Rhiannon86 is "copping off" acceptable and not seen as faithful?

i would be inclined to say mind your own business but on the other hand this poor guy deserves to know! surely your not the only one to have seen her behave like this.

fluckered Thu 14-Feb-13 09:05:26

meant unfaithful obviously

Rhiannon86 Thu 14-Feb-13 09:09:43

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expatinscotland Thu 14-Feb-13 09:11:24

I wouldn't go because I don't go to weddings abroad that cost a bomb.

Johnnysknickers Thu 14-Feb-13 09:13:19

I went to several weddings when I was younger where one or other of the parties had cheated (more than just a kiss too). All three are still together and seemingly happy now so I think people get through these things.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 14-Feb-13 09:17:39

You could just say you can't afford to attend but wish them all the luck in the world.

I am debating with myself whether to tell the groom but they have a family and I don't want to be blamed for tearing their family apart.

Out of interest, take away the fact that this is in Spain. If this wedding were taking place where the participants lived 20 miles up the road, would you tell?

DontmindifIdo Thu 14-Feb-13 09:21:51

I would just say you can't afford it and not go. Other than that, I'd say nothing to the groom unless he is a lot closer to you than the bride.

DontmindifIdo Thu 14-Feb-13 09:22:24

(sorry, to make that clear, I'd say nothing unless you are closer to the groom than you are to the bride, not suggesting the groom is closer to you than his future wife!)

fromparistoberlin Thu 14-Feb-13 09:26:29


just dont go, but I wuld be say be prepared to lose her as a friend if you dont go, IYSWIM?

and IO would err against NOT saying anything, just say you cant afford it

bowerbird Thu 14-Feb-13 10:36:27

Mawi, the "sanctity" of anyone's marriage isn't actually for you to judge. As other posters have pointed out, you don't sound as if you like this woman at all, and are using this situation to feel morally superior. Is it possible that the bride is trying to "get it out of her system" before committing to marriage?

Even if she's a complete slut, it's none of your business.

If money's tight, then why even consider going? Just politely decline, wish them well. Who knows, they may surprise you and have a long and happy marriage. Stranger things have happened.

yaimee Thu 14-Feb-13 10:42:40

phoenix of course there are levels of betrayal, I would be raging if dp had a drunken snog, if he spent months having a physical and emotional relationship with another woman I would be heartbroken (and probably sick).
I know both are betrayal but they're definitely different!

Floggingmolly Thu 14-Feb-13 10:53:00

I wouldn't go. If she's that reluctant to commit it won't last the year anyway.

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