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AIBU to be hurt by DP's comment.

(131 Posts)
honeytea Wed 13-Feb-13 08:40:24

I have posted about my in laws before, so far DP has been supportive of me but yesterday he did something that really hurt my feelings.

Last night we were at SIL's house for dinner. My 8 week old DS had just fed and was sleeping in my arms. I don't have a problem holding him whilst he sleeps. he sleeps in his side car cot very well at night so I don't resent holding him in the day time. WHen we are home he sometimes sleeps on me, sometimes he sleeps on a blanket on the sofa next to me and sometimes he sleeps in a cot in the kitchen whilst I cook/clean. DP said to me "why don't you put DS in his car seat so you can eat dinner" (I have become very good at eating one handed anyway) I said to DP that it is very likely that DS would wake up but we could try and I would take ds back if he woke up and cried. (we don't often sit him in the car seat when not in the car it was only in the house because it was really cold outside and ds goes into the car easier if the seat is warm.)

DS woke up and started grizzling, SIL took DS out of the car seat and walked around rocking him, I said I can take him and you sit and eat your dinner, I'm fine eating with him on my knee, she said no she was enjoying having a cuddle with him. After about 10 mins she came back into the room we were eating in without DS.

I was sat in the corner blocked in by DP I said to him can you go and get the baby. He went and got the baby, SIL went after him. DS woke up and was talking to DP, DP said to him "I know it was unnecessary to disturb you" I said actually it wasn't unnecessary I don't want him left in another room in an unsafe sleep enviroment. SIl said "yes it was absolutly unnecessary." I didn't mention it for the rest of the evening.

I am really struggling with anxiety at the moment, DS has been very ill with RS virus and spent a week in hospital I think that experience has made me realise how fragile he is. I appreciate that many people would be fine with their baby being in another room on a safe bythemself but I felt worried about it and I expect DP to support me. I wasn't asking for any help and I wasn't moaning about having an unputdownable baby but SIL took it upon herself to show me that DS would go down by himself. A friend tragically lost her DS to sids last year, she posts on facebook often about ways to reduce the risk such as putting babies under 6 months down to sleep in the same room as you and having a safe place for them to sleep.

SIL has previously put DS down in a really really hot room wrapped in a doubled over fleece blanket with it wrapped around his head. At the time I said I wasn't happy with him being wrapped up so warm and I didn't see the reason for her to put him down (on a sofa at another sister's house) when I was there and I was happy to hold him.

I asked DP how the baby was sleeping and he said SIL had put a cusion under the sofa cusion so it was on a slope towards the back of the sofa, DS was wrapped in a blanket again going over his head. DS can roll by himself but I am not sure he could roll away from the edge of the sofa with his arms wrapped up if his face became pushed into the edge of the sofa. The sofa was leather so the risk of him sliding in the blanket towards the edge was fairly high.

I feel like SIL is constantly trying to prove that I am doing things wrong, she knows how anxious I feel and she knows I want to keep ds in the same room as me (or DP or whoever is looking after him) Everytime we see her she takes DS into another room and leaves him alone. What has upset me is my DP saying "that was unnecessary" I feel like I need him to support me and not contradict me. I could understand if I was not managing with DS and needed help but DS is such an easy baby and I am doing great with my energy levels.

I have said to DP that I won't be going to any of the SILs houses because every time we go something happens that I feel is unsafe and if he isn't going to support me then I am not willing to go there. They can come to us where DS can go in his cot whist we eat.

AIBU to expect my DP to support me even if my actions are driven by anxiety?

fluffyraggies Wed 13-Feb-13 08:46:06

Anxiety about our children is what keeps them safe! There's no need to feel you are in the wrong being anxious about your 8 week old.

Next time you want to hold your baby - hold him. Tell your SIL's (and your DP) firmly 'no, i'm happier to hold him'. Thank you.

Repeat, repeat, repeat smile

RedHelenB Wed 13-Feb-13 08:46:51

How far do you go though? DP is as capable as you by the sounds of it and SIL.

ivanapoo Wed 13-Feb-13 08:47:02

YANBU to be hurt by his comments and annoyed at SIL. I would be furious at her actions and his lack of support.

I know the risk of SIDS is small but why not follow the guidelines, it's not like they're complicated.

You were doing the right thing. Don't let them undermine you.

I suggest you find the guidelines online and send them to your DH to read (or re-read).

Ashoething Wed 13-Feb-13 08:47:05

Sorry but I think YABU-and you should perhaps consider speaking to your gp or hv about your anxiety. Nothing wrong with enjoying a cuddle with a sleeping baby but constantly worrying about your baby when he is out of your sight for 5 mins is not healthy for them or you imo. But I am sure you will get a million posters come on and tell you that they have carried their 5 year old in a sling everywheregrin Horses for courses.

Wishiwasanheiress Wed 13-Feb-13 08:49:06

Yes. Sorry but I'm not sure dp should support u willy nilly over every request or else ur saying he has no viable opinions. I'm sure u don't mean that, but that's unfortunately how I feel ur post came across. That's just my feeling and others will agree and disagree so don't feel disheartened yet.... .

As u know that some of ur opinions are anxiety driven and potentially not all reasonable or possibly logical to someone else I think u need to give and take a bit here. Pick ur battles wisely is all I am suggesting as otherwise u will end up fighting about more than u expect and u sound a happy unit generally until ur worries surface.

Do u get advice/help for anxiety? Does ur dp? Must be hard for u both. Hope it works out.

Pagwatch Wed 13-Feb-13 08:50:08

I note everything you say about anxiety and it is good that you are managing well and enjoying your baby.
But I think saying that you never want to go to your SILs again does seem to be something of an over reaction.
You sound tense and the fretting when baby isout of the oom and the 'I am getting quite good at eating with one hand' does paint a picture of your being quite intense.
Is it possible that you were at dinner and the others were just trying to get you to relax?

I think they handled it badly and I would feel ganged up on. But by seeing them all in such a negative light I wonder if you are a bit defensive.

It's hard to say. But do worry that you are seeing everyone as reckless with your baby when presumeably your dh loves your child too ?

oscarwilde Wed 13-Feb-13 08:50:41

He's 8 weeks old, Yanbu but possibly coming across as a little PFB. I'm guessing your SIL has kids if she so comfortable swaddling someone else's child albeit incorrectly.
You need to be firmer less polite about what you want but don't refuse to take him out would be my advice. You'll just alienate your DP, isolate yourself and you never know (I don't know the background) your SIL's might be a big help in years to go.

diddl Wed 13-Feb-13 08:50:44

Well I can´t see a problem with a baby sleeping in another room whilst you are having a meal.

But then tbh I don´t understand why your husband didn´t just say that-or let you fetch him if you wanted.

fluffyraggies Wed 13-Feb-13 08:51:15

This baby is only 8 weeks old remember. That's so tiny. If we were talking about a baby of, say, a few months then i would agree with you ashoe.

The risk of SIDS is real. The OP is in a natural state of high alert at this stage, and should be allowed to indulge her instincts.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Wed 13-Feb-13 08:51:41

You are entitled to do what you wish with your baby, especially at 8 weeks.

I think you need a chat with your DH that you & him work together and the rest of the family keeps their beaks out.

He needs to support you to find your way.

I would be a lot more strategic, for example do not let them put you n a corner, always go where you can get out etc., put foot down at the start, so before you sit down for the meal say 'if baby cries I will have him on my knee, if anyone has a problem with baby at the table I will eat later.

They sound like interfering types, I hate people who take your baby away when you don't want them to, it isn't helpful!

ivanapoo Wed 13-Feb-13 08:53:03

Ashoething being out of sight for 5 mins is not the problem - being out of sight in an unsafe situation is. And regardless of that, it's HER baby and if she wants to follow the guidelines to a T why shouldn't she??

You are undermining the OP as much as her family members are. OP I don't believe you are being over anxious.

Flisspaps Wed 13-Feb-13 08:54:18

Actually, I think you're right.

SIDS advice has been developed for a reason. It's shown to have reduced the number of SIDS fatalities (even if they're not sure which bit of the advice it's due to!)

Babies shouldn't be left unattended on a sofa or where they can roll, they shouldn't be allowed to overheat. Before 6mo they should sleep in the room with you and this does include naps (there's another thread ATM with all this info on and links).

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Wed 13-Feb-13 08:54:55

And ignore people who say you sound PFB. You dont. You sound like a nice mum who wants to hold her baby and not leave it to sleep on an unsafe sofa at eight weeks.

Hullygully Wed 13-Feb-13 08:55:04

I would be really upset too. I would feel they didn't take my anxieties (rational or not) seriously which shows a lack of both understanding and caring. People that are scared of spiders don't get over their fear by having a large spider dropped on them.

You need patience, love, understanding and time to feel safe and for your anxieties to calm. SIL is effectively saying you are being silly and dh isn't standing up for you and supporting you. So yanbu

diddl Wed 13-Feb-13 08:55:46

It does sound as if he is overwrapped though-which is obviously a big concern.

bigfuckoffpie Wed 13-Feb-13 08:57:20

I wouldn't have been happy about the sofa or the swaddling, but I don't think it's that unreasonable to have put your DS in another room while you finish your dinner. But then, I'm not sure it's always reasonable for your DH always to support you if you both know you're being driven by anxiety.

Could you take a carry cot and a monitor next time you go? That way you'll have somewhere safe to put him, and you can listen to him breathing so you'll feel less anxious and get to eat in peace.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Wed 13-Feb-13 08:58:21

But Pag, it is not helpful for relatives to impose their parenting ways on the op, so I can underStand not wanting to go rather than get hassled.

fluffyraggies Wed 13-Feb-13 08:58:34

My XH took our eldest DD off me when she was about 8 weeks old and locked himself in the bathroom with her.

I can't remember why now - it was over some silly argument about how things should be done. What i can remember is going absolutely apeshit and i literally nearly broke the door down to get to her. This was 19 years ago and i still remember it.

I'm not comparing my experience to the OPs - but i can sympathise with her feelings of anxiety and i know from experience that trying to separate her from her baby, even in subtle ways, is not the answer!

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Wed 13-Feb-13 09:00:05

People seriously put an 8 week old in another rom while they eat dinner? How nice for the baby, really welcoming.

Littleturkish Wed 13-Feb-13 09:00:43

I'm shocked anyone thinks that is a safe place to leave a baby to sleep!!

Your SIL is an idiot- what does it matter??

I'm so sorry your DP didn't support you- have you spoken to him about how it made you feel?

surroundedbyblondes Wed 13-Feb-13 09:00:57

I'm prepared to admit that I was precious and anxious about both DDs when they were tiny. But I would do the same again. It's instincts and hormones and intense, intense love all bundled up together. In 'outside' situations I did and do always expect DH to back me up and vice versa. We can have the conversation/discussion/argument at another stage, but we present a united front.

I'm sure plenty of people will be on here telling you "it takes a village..." and all that, but just like you, when my babies were tiny I wanted them close to me, and them cared for according to my standards.

That said, I think you have to be prepared to become more flexible with time. But at 8 weeks? You call the shots!!

ivanapoo Wed 13-Feb-13 09:03:12

The thing I don't get is why babies should be in another room while peo

ivanapoo Wed 13-Feb-13 09:04:42

...people eat? Can anyone explain?

Pagwatch Wed 13-Feb-13 09:05:47

I understand that YellowandGreen

I hoped my post was expressing that I understood how she felt and that they handled it badly.

But I just asked because I had huge anxieties around DS2 when he was little and it did affect me quite badly - mostly in terms of my seeing everyone else as hostile and me being the only human in the whole world who could attend to him. The result was effectively standing between DS2 and everyone else who loved him. After 6 months I was a wreck and DS2 was worse.

I just asked the question. Is it possible that the OP is seeing people's actions and attitudes as hostile. Possibly not. I certainly don't mean to undermine her. I just think deciding who is right and who is wrong is only going to draw up battle lines and I am not sure that will help in the long run.

That's all. Quite possibly I am wide of the mark.

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